Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

KajiKita

Don’t worry too much about the ‘I hate him’ mode. Reframed, that is anger and far more powerful and far stronger than the angsty paralysis I was reading from you a week or so ago. You can direct anger - you are already starting to by deciding that you need to set up your life so you have further contact with the ex. 

Maybe, just maybe, the next manifestation board should be how your life looks when you are living your best life with your kids but with minimal influence from ex? I know you like to be settled and relaxed when doing these normally, but use the carefully directed, dispassionate, clean, cutting fire of your anger to set this intention. You will know perfectly well if it is tipping into something less positive; you have strong instincts, but you need to do something constructive with this energy to settle your spirit, I think.

KK

KajiKita

Oh, and he is an asshat, but we all knew that 🤷‍♀️🙄

Actually, there is a bit of me wondering if he is somehow aware you are slipping away from his control so he’s having to up the ante to feel he is ‘reaching’ you any more? That’s a positive sign from where I’m sitting, however horrible it is for you to have to experience his thrashing and lashing out on the hook of his own karma …

KK

slm6002

I hate how our XH's are still controlling us even though they are our ex's.  Sending hugs x

daisy_1571

I think you are always going to hear about things that he does anyone are forever linked through the joint children.

Kk makes some good points, if you are in the right frame of mind there's some good plans.

To get into the right frame of mind you maybe want to ask yourself (privately of course, not asking you to share) why his doings affect you still?  If someone at work said they were going to Egypt, would it bother you?  Why care what he's doing?  Plus its a long way from telling them he's taking them to actually getting the money together,  getting things booked and them organised then actually going.  From what you say, he's great at coming up with ideas, less good at following through.   Anyway, even if they do all go, treat it like a wonderful holiday that your kids are going on and other than that take 3 or 4 steps back.  Its definitely not 'your' holiday he's going on, its his.  He'll decide to fly when it suits him, take trips where it suits him, stay in a hotel that suits him.  None of that would be what you would lovingly plan and look forward to for yourself.  Which you will, when circumstances are right.

Now, get him out that last part of your head, he doesn't pay rent to stay there, nothing he does affects you unless you let it, your children are becoming adults and will live their lives, you know how well you parented them, its up to them to make their own minds up about the differences between you both but your foundationswill stand them in good stead once they mature more.  Live your life with your partner, enjoy your building work knowing it will help your children have a lovely home, look forward to eldest coming next year, all the good things 


Hope you take this in the spirit intended, ignore any parts that aren't accurate of course.

Dxxx

missymoo81

Hey! I’ve just caught up! Wow love,  you have been through it, but you have done so well in dealing with it all. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but the fact that you’re rising above it. Still trying to be normal With DS, and not flying off the handle at ex. You should be proud of yourself. 

Like a lot of other people on here I also have a passive aggressive, toxic ex that somehow manages to call the shots. It’s really easy to think things are done to spite you as that is what has been done to you in the past but ( I’ve also had to realise this). Sometimes they just convince themselves they want things that you’ve mentioned, and it’s not actually about you at all. 

But although saying all of this, your ex is a first class pen15 a tw@ and a see you next Tuesday. He  doesn’t deserve any of your tears or thoughts or time. Be there for DS, but just be non emotional and completely flat when you speak with ex. It’s easier said than done I know. But I am true believer in karma. And bad people get theirs. Keep your chin up and keep meditating. Also choose to get lost in books or films to give you time to breathe. And please do rant and vent on here. We’re all here to help and many are going through the same thing. Big love. 

Staffordia

Wise words from Daisy. I had the same thought, saying 'we're off to Eygpt next year' is a long way from actually booking, paying and going.

debtfreewannabe321

@KajiKita funny you should mention the VB as DP did this after my angry outburst I am always of the opinion that it is healthier to just feel the emotions, sit with it, expel it and move on. We did a VB based on thrive mode, rather than survival which is what we have been in for far too long now. We have been together a mere 5.5years and it feels like we have already lived a lifetime together the amount we have been through.....and both still, kinda, smiling he has always had control over me and I think you're right in the fact he knows it has slipped and he cannot bend me to his will anymore. He's been turning up unexpected, he was wandering around our car the other day, peering in through the windows, looked at the model number, surveyed the house, was being really downright intrusive and nosey....I think in part this is where some of my anger comes from, and I saw it all- he couldn't see me sat in the front room because of the blinds. But I saw him. 

@slm6002 it's not nice, and I feel he does it because he has no actual control over his own life path so he likes to keep others down with him...I suspect it is the same for your ex too *insert angry face at all exs who do this!*

@daisy_1571 for the most part his comings and goings and life don't enter my head for one second, just before he got with his new GF though he was being particularly rude to me and tried several times to change the amount he pays on child maintenance because he has the kids too much (his words not mine- and he has barely seen them he is supposed to have them every other weekend and half the holidays....I think we can all agree that hasn't happened but I never chased CM for more money I left it.......and yet he blatently lied to them to get them to reduce it- which they didn't). I argued with him over it and that is when he started becoming nasty, the kids were coming home saying how poor dad was, how much debt he has, how he pays all his money to mum and how he can't afford to do anything with them how he wants to unalive himself. Rolls eyes heavily at this.....he was getting his digs through my children (our children - saying that makes my skin crawl). It angered me even further. He literally got immediately under my skin by going through the kids. And he knew it. SO he carried on.
I should like to add, this man has always been in debt since i met him. In fact there are diaries on here from years ago in the DFW section (hence my name) with me trying to cut everything back and pay it all off. He carried on living it up as he always had with no thought about the kids and I going without. There was a time I couldn't afford a winter coat for 2 winters. He carried on down the pub. And carried on spending on other women and whatever else. We split and I struggled to feed our three kids and myself and keep up mortgage payments and ended up in debt whilst he swanned off to Australia to sort his head out. Oh I won't go on but basically I have almost 30 years of stories such as this and he has somehow manipulated and twisted everything to make me out to be awful.
And my DS2 believes him for months now he has been pulling away from me and going towards his dad - he avoids me all day long in the house. I am devastated by it, I have always put my children first, hence me having no pension, no career, staying at home with them and working around them. And I feel it's been ripped from me. My DS2 might be 16 in July but he is still my baby and extw@t knows it. He's pushing buttons, and controlling me from afar. I have worked so hard on my inner peace. I was so happy. AND he knew he had no influence over me anymore.....this was his only way to get to me. Oh and the holiday destination- we once, when together made a list of where we would love to go- his was full of vegas and ibiza type hols, mine was full of places with some history to look at for which he made relentless jokes about......hence why this has really really got under my skin.
I'm so sorry i have gone on and on, I am really really trying to not let it affect me because that is what he wants...........but it is hard. I am having good and bad days regarding this if I am completely honest. Bad days I am in complete freeze mode and devastated, good days I am making plans for living, ones that DS doesn't go straight back to ex with making me feel like I am being spied on.
In fact DD has been making innocent tick tock videos with progress of the extension on and my stomach twists every time I see a new one because I know he is seeing them all and I feel once again he is there in my life.
Raaaaaaa. Right I am over it for today. Moving on..........sorry (again) too much info and ranting.

@missymoo81 thank you. I think many of us have an ex or family member we can relate to with this type of behaviour. I joke about it but it isn't really funny- I say I spent my first 18 years being abused by my father and he handed the reigns over to my ex who then did it for another 18 years until I thought I had broken free but then DS and ex were still trying to subtly abuse and gaslight and manipulate from the side. I am so thankful to my new DP every single day. @Staffordia DP said the same as you. We will see if gf and him are even together by next year. 

Right I have other boring MSE news I will make a new post  

debtfreewannabe321

Right well, new month, so the boring updates. Money has been moved about. We have £2850 in the 'EF' which is kind of a float for flooring/ underfloor heating/EF all in one atm. It would be at almost £4k but ya know - 'chair' ....ps I love the chair, I am sat in it now. It is the james bond Villain chair from the '60s...so comfy. No regrets  

So, all of Ex idiots money has been moved to savings of one kind or another so we can just get used to not having that. £500 went to the EF, and £60 into the yearly bills saver. 

This month we have the car service which we prepaid in a service plan. 

I guess I should do a new kinda SOA, so here is the new monthly bills vs income

Income Combined is £3420
(not included is child benefit as I suspect heavily ex will go after half so have just omitted it).

Outgoings:- 
FIXED(ish)
Mortgage (new figure) £988
Council Tax                  £147
Mobiles                        £21
Gas/elec                      £180 (I am reducing this though after next month as the bill will be paid then will pay £120)
Internet                        £40
Water                          £60
Insurances                  £50
Glasses/contacts        £60
Mortgage OP              £200

((NB I have rounded everything up to nearest £.))

Non fixed
Xmas/birthdays               £150
Yearly bills                       £250 (OP this at the mo to make sure there is enough for car insurance, MOT, boiler service it will go back down to around £100 soon)
Fuel                                  £50
Food                               £600
EF                                   £100
=£2896

Leaving over £500 for pocket money/ holiday/ whatever else. 
Once I reduce those two outgoings I should have over £700 to divvy up elsewhere. 

In a way I am almost glad I don't have to deal with child maintenance any more or his lies he sends them. We are making the final break I guess financially....one child each should mean no one pays anyone right? Esp as he earns more than us anyway. Hopefully he can pay his debt off now and it was worth ruining our child's GCSE year for. 
Sorry last dig today I promise.....

 

Here is where the 'pots' are at the moment:-

food- £600
yearly bills- £881.82
Xmas/birthdays - £565
EF - £2850
Kitchen/ downstairs bathroom- £10k.

Regarding the yearly bills- I have on there at the mo:-
Car insurance, green bin, Prime membership (DS1 and I go halves), boiler service, car service (any extras not covered by the payment plan) and MOT (again anything not covered by the plan). Am I missing anything? I would also like to add the house insurance to this as I have been able to get good deals every year in the past when you pay in one rather than over 12 months. 

I have dipped into the xmas/birthday fund as one of the concerts we went to was part of their present so I bought them a band t shirt (for ds)/ bag (for dd) ((HOW MUCH?????????!!!!!!) so money was taken out for that. I also took some out for an event in August for DP & I and also an event before Xmas in the cathedral for DD/DP & myself. The fund is actually a days out/ hols/ xmas and birthday fund so maybe I need to up the amount going into this to make sure there is enough in there......

DP has matched shares at work which I think I mentioned before, we could buy lots of shares but I am glad we stayed a little reserved on it because of everything else, so he pays £66 per month which is the max they will match. This is for my pension according to DP as he has over £100k in his pension pots and i have ummmmmm about £40 probably 😏. Because of this our monthly income has reduced a little. We are also paying for dental care for DS which I'm pretty peeved about because we intended on using it towards the braces which won't happen now so this is kind of a waste of money now and won't be used I guess. Next year we will get rid of that but that seems a long way off for now. 

Anyway it has been a while since I sat and looked at finances (the whole picture) so that is where I am at with it all. OPs will still continue albeit not very much considering the new mortgage (which is now £165k rather than £115k). But I am trying to live more rather than worry for the next 20  19 years of the mortgage. 

RIght off to do a few jobs now I have cooled down hope to report back with a fully functional bedroom later!

greenbee

It might be worth checking with your dental insurer whether you can remove DS, explaining that he is no longer living with you. If not, consider making your ex aware of it so DS can use it (and at least go to the dentist!)

debtfreewannabe321

greenbee said:

It might be worth checking with your dental insurer whether you can remove DS, explaining that he is no longer living with you. If not, consider making your ex aware of it so DS can use it (and at least go to the dentist!)

DP had it on his list to do! He's just done it and they will stop payments from next month 🫶🏻 £40 odd quid back to us every month which goes a long way to evening out the shares we're buying. 😁