Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

debtfreewannabe321

Bargainhunter30 said:

The grass is always greener. Wait until Ex has to do all of mundane stuff constantly or DS is asked to look after himself. Does ex need help with the other kids maybe? Agree with others, just tell him the door is always open and you're looking forward to seeing him in the holidays.

I don't know how ex will cope with routine I mean he has routine as he works but he's not been a full time parent ever and when we were together he came and went as he pleased the entire time. I think the appeal to him is DS is 16 soon he doesn't need to do much now. And the step daughter who stays with him is 19 so she's self sufficient too....
I just hope he wants to come home for holidays still 🙂...

debtfreewannabe321

I'm having massive technical problems trying to post I hope ten versions of this don't post now 😆.

@Lauraebrad thank you, ex manipulates people without realising it I think sometimes, he likes to maintain control because of unresolved issues in himself. He's not about to do any inner work on himself (I remember trying to help him years ago) and so he progresses himself forwards in life by Holding others down and manipulating people and situations for his own gain. Sadly as DS 2 is parroting his behaviour I can only imagine how this move will go if they both don't change. I am sat in my chair as I type (for the third time as keep losing posts!) as it's too hot outside for me at the mo 🥵.
@daisy_1571 yes you do make a good point about the fact he can re-sit exams any time. I did my maths and English GCSE again at 27 (I did pass the first time but I lost all certificates and it was £40 each I think to get re-printed or re-sit for free 😆😆 I stupidly decided to do it all again lol). 
And DS is stubborn. I've never met anyone more stubborn. So cute as a toddler. Impossible as a teenager. So need to let him go to preserve what's left of the relationship with him I think. 
@slm6002 I wish DS wasn't so gullible and trusting and naive (as I used to be at his age) he will have to learn the hard way...thank you @Watty1 ♥️

debtfreewannabe321

I want to thank you all for supporting me with such kind comments. I have literally told two real life friends (and one of them is off here!) and kept it to myself at work whilst I process without outside influence. I've meditated and cried and stressed and not slept and then slept too much and omg I am all in a tizz 😆 I am feeling better about it for today at least. Tomorrow is tomorrow and I won't worry about that now. DS is being very quiet. I keep trying to engage him in small conversations nothing big or heavy but he's like a rock 🪨 he's stonewalling me. Basically.
Then it sets me off again 🙄.

I've around a month until he probably moves out as I assume he will want out asap. 
I've sent a letter to the current school and asked for it to be put on record. I stayed with my ex for far too long and with this all coming to a head I can see now that some of the reasons were to do with the fact I don't trust my ex with the kids. And when he used to take them I liked the fact he would always take them to his mum's/ sister/ gf (whomever was current) as they were there to do the parenting almost. So the school rang me yesterday and we had a chat, they were very kind and it may have been lip service but I appreciated it anyhow. I can't legally do much unless I take him to court and even then they're likely to ask DS who has been pitted against me by ex so he will choose that route. And It will no doubt make everything worse. So instead I've done all I could, I asked that a safeguarding incident that involved my eldest son at the same age as my youngest son now be put on record so if his behaviour or mental health decline with the move they might have an idea as to what is the cause. Social services were involved and the police and I guess that's all I can say without outing ourselves but I was fully cleared as wasn't there but ex must have it on record somewhere. It would be remiss of me not to say this and put It on record. However I think when ex finds out he will hit the roof he preserves his reputation and image like his life depends on it......

And so I'm going to try and move on from this mental place now. I will send spiritual protection with my son and keep checking in on him, the letter to the new school with my concerns and I know two people that still live on the estate he's going to....and then I need to heal myself. I realise I've never been able to fully heal from ex whilst I've had a mini him in the house lately. He looks like him, his mannerisms are him, he sounds like him and when he's annoyed he imitates his passive aggressive intimidating technique....

This week we have a concert, which I hope will be okay. It was an early birthday present for DS and DD. I also have a summer solstice camping weekend with my best friend whom I barely see anymore so a nice catch up I hope and also some downtime and healing time. Next week is my last week of work and then I can mentally and emotionally relax and release....this week at work I have only worked 5 hours so far. I've taken toil owed to me and I'm hoping I can take the rest next week too. So work has been a doddle. 
I also had my uncle come and visit me yesterday which was nice. I haven't seen him for years. He was like my big brother growing up and I'm closer to him than my cousin's so it was really nice to chat 😊.

We had the mortgage valuation this morning and it couldn't have been more disastrous if we tried. The man was tiny but my gosh was he big in energy. And the energy was spiky, aggressive and rude. I'm going to cleanse my house in a mo to get rid of that bad energy actually 😆. He kept cutting me off and said right well we value as the property stands. Well basically the property stands without one external wall downstairs right now 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ because they took the old conservatory off yesterday and the bay window. Brilliant. So he will probably UNDER value it now. So unsure if they will refuse to borrow the money or whether the interest rate will just be higher. I've come across a few valuation guys and I have to say most are rude. Do they just not like their job? Or what? We have had one really nice chatty one and that was it. 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄😆. Oh well. My motto this last week is- it is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ so I will report back on that one!

KajiKita

Oh lord, we had a miserable F'er (as Mr KK put it! ) for our last valuation for the new mortgage deal. It must be something they put in their water!! It still went okay for us so hopefully it will for you too  

That's an interesting insight about the effect having a 'mini Ex' in the house with you has had on you. It will have affected your relationship with your son too, whether you can see it or not. Some space all round is probably the best option. Will your DD keep in touch with him do you think? So you can get a real sense of how he is?

Absolutely the right thing to do, to tell the school.

KK

daisy_1571

definitely doing a good job dfw, keep on keeping on for now

Dxx

pennywisepoundstupid

So sorry to read about your son moving out, as others have said keep the door and lines of communication open, hopefully he will see the true side of your ex and also realises what a fantastic mum he has. 16 is a horrible age for boys there are neither a boy nor a man, hormones are everywhere, they don't know who they are or who they want to be and don't tend to talk and open up with friends like girls do. Sending you a huge hug and i hope things get better.

Well done on spoiling yourself with the chair xx

Queen_of_the_Hive

debtfreewannabe321 said:

skint_spice said:

Just keep communicating with DS and let him know he is free to visit or move back at anytime. 

He's being non communicative atm, since we spoke about it he seems to think everything is black and white. I'm still talking to him normally hoping he will come round a little bit before he moves out but every conversation is one sided and I feel like I'm interrogating when all I'm trying to do is keep lines of communication open....sigh...it's hard. 

Sorry you are going through this, as others have said, some great advice which I would agree. I said to my OH when we are younger everything is black and white and as we get older the more greyer choices and decisions become. Hang in there 

debtfreewannabe321

For some reason I cannot post from my laptop it just keeps refreshing and kicking me off. Perhaps I'm not meant to post 😉 I am persevering on my phone though - one last time. If this doesn't work I'll be back if they ever fix the tech issues..

So the valuation guy was as I suspected a miserable so and so and undervalued our house hugely. A house opposite, same style and size sold a couple of weeks ago for 275k. It has a bedroom less and a much smaller garden. We valued ours 10k more and the valuation guy valued it 45k less. 🫩😒🙄 Quite honestly I needed to move on from how I was feeling about this because my emotions have been up and down for a couple of weeks now. The mortgage lady got back to us and said because of this the interest rate will be higher. £5 something more a month. I said whatever fine, let's get on with it. Less than 48 hours later we had the money in our bank 😃

The builders are here pretty much full time now Monday to Friday. We have a wall missing, and the foundation has been half dug out. We've also had a few skips already.

Concert was good, DS disappeared after a vape fell out of his pocket 🙄 to meet his friend. He said. He came back about an hour later (we had lots of waiting time and smaller acts before the main event). He seemed in a better mood then after seeing friend. Then DD disappeared to see her friends. The concert is a five minute walk from their school so I was thinking this might happen as lots of locals were there 😆. It was good. We enjoyed it but we don't think we'd see him again. It wasn't really our fave. My fave was seeing Texas I thought Sharleen was absolutely amazing and I'd go see them again! 🤩 

Camping at the weekend - amazing 🤩 cacao ceremony, lots of meditations, solstice altars and rituals and blessings, sound baths, forest bathing, chakra dancing - absolutely loved it all. My friend brought drama and when she had a huge very loud fight over the phone with her husband Sunday morning, I said, perhaps it's better if you go 🤷🏻‍♀️ so she did. He is such a horrid controlling entity and I despise how he treats her but it's her lesson not mine. I got back on with my day and had a lovely time. I knew two healers there anyway so sat with them a lot of the time and chatted. And it was peaceful and i could just be me. 😃
I was grateful for a shower and proper toilet when I got home though let me tell you. Also grateful for my bed! 🛏️ 

I came home to DP having prepped dinner so I didn't have to make anything. He made a fab sausage and mash casserole 😍. He also had tidied around where we had a load of furniture shoved so everything makes more sense and flows better. He is absolutely a treasure compared to my ex and my poor friend's choice of husband. 

Today I've looked in the fridge and found enough dinners to do until Wednesday. Then I will do a top up. I will actually go today too as we're enjoying eating less snacks and eating more fruit each day. So I'll get some fresh fruit and veg. 

Oh and I also got today off work. So I got all the hours I worked back 😃.

The builder has been into the house to look at where we want to put our new kitchen and given some valuable advice to dp. It really feels like things are progressing well.

DS has avoided me since I've been back from camping. I'm leaving it be. I'm in a good place 🙂.

I've done the budget for next month (I was paid today) and I'm about to pay off my CC that I've been using all month for expenses. Probably my last month of maintenance next month and it's come at the best time - when the mortgage is upped with the new portion. As the first month is inflated so I'll use the maintenance for that. I've also done a projection for August- without any maintenance. And it's all fine we still have excess so I'm pretty happy and sure things will all work out as they're supposed to.

Right building inspector is here I best go....

debtfreewannabe321

Ps In the three versions already lost on my laptop I thank you all and replied Individually to all comments! All lost! But thank you for replying x

debtfreewannabe321

I've done some life admin today. Asked the school for a refund for the ski trip. Will probably lose the deposit 🙁 but not much I can do.
We've sorted out what needs to be done with the kitchen being moved i.e building works to make it happen, we had the building inspector here today and the builder was at a loose end as the skip hadn't been swapped over so they both spent a good hour helping us figure out how we can do some of the building work ourselves and the builder has offered to lay the pipe work for the sink drainage as we are moving it to a new spot. They've taken the what ifs and which route shall we take questions out of the equation by telling us exactly how to do it..I say we... obviously I mean DP 🤣 I will happily be labourer for the day though. So we're off to buy some pipes tonight as the builder has pretty much said he will lay it if we cut a hole in the floor where we want the new sink. The other big job was our chimney breast we are knocking it wider than it currently is so we can fit the cooker in there. We were quoted 2.5k to which I said no way. Thankfully the builder also agreed it was too much money for the job and said we could probably do it ourselves and has walked DP through exactly what needs to be done. Building inspector said if we can get It done before his next inspection he will sign it off as part of the other job. 😁👍🏻
I've paid the CC off.
Checked my savings so I know where it is (🙈 I have too many dormant savings accounts open and forgot where I'd put It..the rest are empty so I should shut them down really). 
I'm now moving things out of the dining room area so that we can get to the chimney breast to knock off some plaster to assess what's underneath. 
Ahhh the skip is here...right after the builders just left! So typical. 
I've furniture everywhere at the moment 🤣 and soon it will be dust so I'd rather all the furniture squashed and squeezed into the small room at the front of the house so it can stay relatively clean! 
Right I've had a little sit down best move some more bits 😁.
Oh and school has just emailed back and said they are trying to sell the space on so fingers crossed 🤞🏻...