Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

dawnybabes

I stormed out of my mums when I was 17 and moved into my dads / grandads - my mum just left the door open with no blame / strings - I lasted about 6 months before I realised what I was missing. ((Hugs)) 

Bargainhunter30

The grass is always greener. Wait until Ex has to do all of mundane stuff constantly or DS is asked to look after himself. Does ex need help with the other kids maybe? Agree with others, just tell him the door is always open and you're looking forward to seeing him in the holidays.

Lauraebrad

I couldn't read and run - I really feel for you.  The sense of being manipulated must be beyond awful.   But your home sounds a loving place, and open doors always leave the possibility.  Love that your response was buying the chair to claim space for you. 

daisy_1571

It does sound like an awful situation but (looking at it as an outsider therefore without the emotional side of things so feel free to ignore if I'm offtrack) I suppose he is still a little boy but he's also rapidly becoming an adult which is exactly what you were helping and guiding him towards being.  Part of that is having the confidence to make decisions and if you can gracefully give in on this one, help him pack and think about all the things he will need, wish him well and hope that he has a great time with his dad, send him off knowing without doubt you all love him and will miss seeing him every day, remind him he always has a home with you and youd like him to keep in touch and tell him you will send little messages to him from time to time and it would be lovely if he sends a message back when he has time etc etc so letting him know you miss him but trust him to make the right decisions and enjoy being closer with his dad - its not a competition you both love him - you will keep the communications open like everyone is saying. 

Simply because he's a boy and son not wife you might find his dad is different with him and they can get along together.   You said your older boy had trouble for a while but knows how much you did for him when he was younger.  Same thing is likely to happen again so it might well work out very well.  You'll gain some space and time to yourself to get through the building process, you can both come back to the relationship refreshed, your relationships with dd and your partner will get more attention for a while. 

It might be the making of your son, he might well come back with a more mature outlook, the teen years are so hard and sorry to say but there's a time you just think your parents are clowns and you can't understand how they've managed to get to that age and be so stupid.  Its only in later years you actually realise how much they had to put up with lol.  If both your parents are together they are united but in your case he thinks its going to be all jam and cheese at his dads.  Well maybe it will and maybe it won't but either way its something he's got to do and he can hopefully learn from the experience, good or bad.

Its not the end of the world if his schoolwork suffers for a little while, exams can be resat, college can be applied for at 17/18/25/38 nothing is set in stone for the rest of his life so try not to worry about his future future too much, just concentrate on the next few months 

Good luck xxxx

slm6002

Just had a catch up and can feel the pain you must be feeling - it was my worst fear before my kids realised what an idiot their father is.  Like others have said, while you really wont be happy with the plan, make sure he knows that you are there for him and support his choices even if you don't like them.  Make sure he knows that if he needs you or his old room back you are just on the end of the phone and will be there for him.

You never know 6 months down the line all 3 of the children may have written XH off for good (I know DD and DS1 already have little to do with him).

Big hugs

Watty1

What lovely and sensible comments on here.  Nothing to add but sending love.  I know it’s hard right now but leave the door open and he might walk back a very different person.  

debtfreewannabe321

beanielou said:

No idea what to say TBH. Although I think if your DS does move to his dads the blinkers will come off quickly. Sometimes there is only so much you can do. You & I both know that you have been a fantastic parent. Be kind to yourself xx
& enjoy your new chair. 

I hope they do but you're right there is only so much anyone can do in this scenario as he will be 16 end of next month. That is the difference between ex and I ..I have been a parent, he's been their bestie. 
The chair is amazing 😍 and I've not a single regret getting it 🤭😁 ♥️

debtfreewannabe321

skint_spice said:

Just keep communicating with DS and let him know he is free to visit or move back at anytime. 

He's being non communicative atm, since we spoke about it he seems to think everything is black and white. I'm still talking to him normally hoping he will come round a little bit before he moves out but every conversation is one sided and I feel like I'm interrogating when all I'm trying to do is keep lines of communication open....sigh...it's hard. 

debtfreewannabe321

KajiKita said:

Oh hun, that sounds utterly horrible. I just hate that kind of manipulation and game playing. It’s pretty sadistic. 

I think Beanie and SkintSpice are both right - hold space for your son with compassion and love for the child he still is within him, don’t rise to any nonsense and let it play out. Keep communication open with your son and just tell him you love him and wish him all the best with his choice and then stand back. He will see through it eventually. 

I find it interesting that your instinctive response was a f-it moment and you finally bought something for you that you’ve never chance to have before. Keep doing this. Not the spending! 😉 But the standing your ground, holding YOUR boundaries and what is important to you. You are a warrior, you are strong, we believe in you, we see you, believe in yourself. 

Sending huge, huge hugs and love and masses of Life-light. This will pass - ride the wave of the storm on your love for your son, DP’s love for you and your hard won self respect which your ex has no right to even touch or look upon, let alone taint. 

(I will say there is part of me that is RAGING on your behalf right now. It’s a good thing that I don’t know your ex or where he is - I can feel a Light-sword, a big one, twitching in my hand!! 

✨✨✨✨😡✨✨✨✨)

KK

Thank you 🙏🏻 and I was truly raging when I heard them laughing almost at my expense as I cried my eyes out. I've meditated A LOT the last week on this and I have managed to take myself out of it, view it from a higher perspective and deal with it in a different way to overwhelming emotions clouding everything. It's hard though, I'm still up and down over it ♥️

debtfreewannabe321

dawnybabes said:

I stormed out of my mums when I was 17 and moved into my dads / grandads - my mum just left the door open with no blame / strings - I lasted about 6 months before I realised what I was missing. ((Hugs)) 

My friend has said the same, I actually recall her moving out! But her parents were truly awful so domineering and rude to friend all any of us if we dared to visit her. She never moved back in again but she's been okay, she survived and moved on. And I know I'm not like that and he does have it easy enough here it's just I have boundaries and ex doesn't. That's the pull of his house over mine ☹️