Feeling torn about family trip

Sea_Shell

Do they NEED you to go with them, to assist with travel/mobility etc. or do they just WANT you to go?

If you don't go with them are they still able to go?    

newparent77

Sea_Shell said:

Do they NEED you to go with them, to assist with travel/mobility etc. or do they just WANT you to go?

If you don't go with them are they still able to go?    

They will still go whether or not I go with them. My brother will be going, along with his wife and 9 year old daughter. It's more a case of they want us all to go as a family, to see the other family, and see this as the last chance as they may struggle more with mobility and my dad's dementia.

Sea_Shell

newparent77 said:

Sea_Shell said:

Do they NEED you to go with them, to assist with travel/mobility etc. or do they just WANT you to go?

If you don't go with them are they still able to go?    

They will still go whether or not I go with them. My brother will be going, along with his wife and 9 year old daughter. It's more a case of they want us all to go as a family, to see the other family, and see this as the last chance as they may struggle more with mobility and my dad's dementia.

In that case I would decline.   

If you aren't bothered about visiting this family and they still get to make their "last" trip, then why should they be that upset if you didn't go?

They might feel that the trip won't be perfect without you, but then not much in life is.

Your wishes count too, not just theirs.

thegreenone

Have you had a look at the Leave calculators, perhaps someone from MSE could add it in please? They help to give you the most time off for the minimal annual leave which in turn will, hopefully, help with childcare.

When our son was studying in Maastricht, way in the south of the Netherlands, we would take the Eurotunnel and if all went well we could get there in five hours from Surrey.  No idea where you live, but just a thought.  The Dutch/Belgian versions of Centre Parcs are, apparently, very good and cheaper than those here if you wanted to/could factor in a few family days too.

Just throwing out thoughts but if you really can't do it, you can't.  You'd already made lots of plans before this was put to you.  I hope you can find an amicable solution.

Alikay

Your parents have already visited these relatives several times, so it's not a "once in a lifetime" experience, so I think it's fine for you to decline. I'm nearer your parents age that yours, and am realistic that travel will become more difficult as DH and I get older, and accept that, in time, foreign travel will stop for us. Don't feel guilty - they've visited before, and the Dutch family can always come to the UK to meet you all if they wish

Spendless

What about looking at a long weekend? Pricing up for one of the bank hols in May. Schools are only closed for the Monday of the Mayday BH so that used to be my fav BH to go away as the prices didn't go ridiculously high. What about any inset days your kids off any join to a weekend so you go away then? 

Savvy_Sue

If you're looking at trains, bear in mind Eurostar may not be an option after June as they are re-modelling Amsterdam Central station.

Does the trip have to be at a particular time? Can you work some of your other plans for summer holiday / special birthdays in alongside it?

Do your children get on with their cousin? That would be one reason for me to want to do it. My boys have two sets of cousins: we saw so little of one set that they tend to forget their existence.

And finally, before my parents died, we'd always try to go out for lunch near birthdays etc. It was a logistical nightmare, not helped by siblings ignoring emails etc. And one of them once said "I don't really enjoy these occasions" (reasons followed). I explained as politely as I could that NONE of us necessarily enjoyed these outings, but we weren't doing it for our own benefit, IT WAS FOR MUM. 

I'd also add that The Netherlands is an excellent holiday destination. We haven't personally taken children, but I know those who have, and really enjoyed themselves.

Sea_Shell

Savvy_Sue said:

If you're looking at trains, bear in mind Eurostar may not be an option after June as they are re-modelling Amsterdam Central station.

Does the trip have to be at a particular time? Can you work some of your other plans for summer holiday / special birthdays in alongside it?

Do your children get on with their cousin? That would be one reason for me to want to do it. My boys have two sets of cousins: we saw so little of one set that they tend to forget their existence.

And finally, before my parents died, we'd always try to go out for lunch near birthdays etc. It was a logistical nightmare, not helped by siblings ignoring emails etc. And one of them once said "I don't really enjoy these occasions" (reasons followed). I explained as politely as I could that NONE of us necessarily enjoyed these outings, but we weren't doing it for our own benefit, IT WAS FOR MUM. 

I'd also add that The Netherlands is an excellent holiday destination. We haven't personally taken children, but I know those who have, and really enjoyed themselves.

An observation.    Why is it that we feel that we have to relegate our own feelings and sometimes our mental health, to make family feel better.   Who then makes us feel better?   Do we not count?

Would anyone want their own children to do things that they really didn't want to, that upset them, or caused them anxiety or distress?    Is it not a 2 way street?

BungalowBel

My own gut feelings :

This trip (with all of you there) means a lot to your parents.  They want to make the memory while your dad can still appreciate it.

Just do it, out of love.  Chose a long weekend like someone has suggested and then you won't need to use your annual leave.

Sometimes life isn't about 'rights' and 'fairness'.  Sometimes it is just about do it because it means so much to this person you love.

(NB: I am a similar age to your parents).

_Penny_Dreadful

Sea_Shell said:

Savvy_Sue said:

If you're looking at trains, bear in mind Eurostar may not be an option after June as they are re-modelling Amsterdam Central station.

Does the trip have to be at a particular time? Can you work some of your other plans for summer holiday / special birthdays in alongside it?

Do your children get on with their cousin? That would be one reason for me to want to do it. My boys have two sets of cousins: we saw so little of one set that they tend to forget their existence.

And finally, before my parents died, we'd always try to go out for lunch near birthdays etc. It was a logistical nightmare, not helped by siblings ignoring emails etc. And one of them once said "I don't really enjoy these occasions" (reasons followed). I explained as politely as I could that NONE of us necessarily enjoyed these outings, but we weren't doing it for our own benefit, IT WAS FOR MUM. 

I'd also add that The Netherlands is an excellent holiday destination. We haven't personally taken children, but I know those who have, and really enjoyed themselves.

An observation.    Why is it that we feel that we have to relegate our own feelings and sometimes our mental health, to make family feel better.   Who then makes us feel better?   Do we not count?

Would anyone want their own children to do things that they really didn't want to, that upset them, or caused them anxiety or distress?    Is it not a 2 way street?

That’s quite a leap from someone not enjoying something to that something leading to upset, anxiety, distress and a downfall of one’s mental health. Sometimes we just do things, that we might not particularly enjoy, because the ones we love do enjoy them. Do I want to listen to Taylor Swift, not particularly, do I relish going to a multiplex cinema, nope but I go along with it because the people I love do enjoy those things. I’m pretty sure my OH doesn’t enjoy the ballet but that didn’t stop him buying us tickets and going with me because he knows I like it.