Feeling torn about family trip

newparent77

I'm in my late 30s, have a brother who is five years older and have parents in their mid-70s. In the last few years, my parents have discovered family who emigrated to the Netherlands from the UK and so have been over to visit them a few times. The relationship is quite distant, it's like my mum's second cousin.

My parents are starting to struggle more with mobility - they can still get around but more slowly than usual, and dad is in the early stages of dementia. As a result, they think their visit to the Netherlands this year to see the family may be the last time they take the trip. As a result, they are keen for me and my brother and our families to take the trip with them (my brother went last year, but I have yet to meet this other family).

While my brother is planning to go with his family, the issue is that I am already short on annual leave days to do the things I want/need to do this year. My wife and I both have milestone birthdays so are taking each other away for trips. With that, a summer holiday and childcare for our two kids (aged 10 and 8) during the school holidays throughout the year, I'm already really low on days without factoring in anything unforeseen that might come up during the year.

When I look at just going on the trip just for the weekend, the cost comes out at around £350-£400 for flights, hotel, airport parking etc (before any other spending) for less than 36 hours in the actual place.

I've explained this to my parents, and said I'd prefer to spend the money on other things - taking them out for a really nice meal for their anniversary for example. But my parents, mum in particular, see this as me prioritising my own things (and those with my wife and kids) over what they hold as important. 

Above and beyond the lack of time (and to a certain degree, the money) I don't actually feel much of a connection to these distant relatives. My parents tells me how they keen they are to meet me and if they lived closer I'd be happy to go meet them, and likewise if they came over to the UK, but they haven't yet and it doesn't seem to be on the cards either. 

It's created a bit of tension with my parents and wanted to get an outside view. They see it is a 'last chance' trip and feel I'm being selfish not going. I see it that we can spend family time in many other ways and that this particular trip to see distant relatives doesn't have to be the be all and end all.

What would you do?

elsien

I’d probably be torn as well because I’d want my parents to be happy and I suspect it’s more about them than it is about this other family, and a way to get all of you together.
On the other hand you do already have arrangements and it feels it a bit one way if there’s no plans for the other family to come over this way. I suspect they’re happy to meet your side of the family if you are there, but don’t feel strongly enough about the link to make any more effort than that.
So I would suggest you think about it less as meeting new family and more about your relationship with your parents and whether you will regret it later if you don’t go. They may not be being entirely reasonable, but that sometimes comes with age and a sense that they don’t have much time left to do the things that they want to do. 

Devongardener

I’d show your parents exactly what you have written above.  Sometimes having time to read and understand a problem makes the points clearer than a conversation where they may not be listening properly.

Don’t feel obligated,  I’m with you, your immediate family and finances must take priority.  Maybe suggest a FaceTime call while your parents are there so you can speak to the relatives.  Above all don’t feel guilty!

comeandgo

I would say it is perfectly correct for you to prioritise your own things, wife and family, before your parents.  If you don’t have the time off nor the extra money I’d just apologise and say the timing is wrong.  

Flugelhorn

Not unusual for parents to expect their offspring to consider them first above all especially their own families. 

Just say no, that you haven't got enough leave and sorry but holiday money has already been allocated to other trips. 

They will mope and look peeved but that is just the way people do this to get their own way. 

If it is  anything like my own family, they will have already foolishly told the Dutch family that you are coming and now have to get out of it - maybe best if you contact the Dutch family directly 

LightFlare

newparent77 said:

I'm in my late 30s, have a brother who is five years older and have parents in their mid-70s. In the last few years, my parents have discovered family who emigrated to the Netherlands from the UK and so have been over to visit them a few times. The relationship is quite distant, it's like my mum's second cousin.

My parents are starting to struggle more with mobility - they can still get around but more slowly than usual, and dad is in the early stages of dementia. As a result, they think their visit to the Netherlands this year to see the family may be the last time they take the trip. As a result, they are keen for me and my brother and our families to take the trip with them (my brother went last year, but I have yet to meet this other family).

While my brother is planning to go with his family, the issue is that I am already short on annual leave days to do the things I want/need to do this year. My wife and I both have milestone birthdays so are taking each other away for trips. With that, a summer holiday and childcare for our two kids (aged 10 and 8) during the school holidays throughout the year, I'm already really low on days without factoring in anything unforeseen that might come up during the year.

When I look at just going on the trip just for the weekend, the cost comes out at around £350-£400 for flights, hotel, airport parking etc (before any other spending) for less than 36 hours in the actual place.

I've explained this to my parents, and said I'd prefer to spend the money on other things - taking them out for a really nice meal for their anniversary for example. But my parents, mum in particular, see this as me prioritising my own things (and those with my wife and kids) over what they hold as important. 

Above and beyond the lack of time (and to a certain degree, the money) I don't actually feel much of a connection to these distant relatives. My parents tells me how they keen they are to meet me and if they lived closer I'd be happy to go meet them, and likewise if they came over to the UK, but they haven't yet and it doesn't seem to be on the cards either. 

It's created a bit of tension with my parents and wanted to get an outside view. They see it is a 'last chance' trip and feel I'm being selfish not going. I see it that we can spend family time in many other ways and that this particular trip to see distant relatives doesn't have to be the be all and end all.

What would you do?

They are doing exactly the same - you are grown ups and have your own life and priorities. Part of being a parent is recognising this and learning to accept this

At the end of the day, only you know (or will have an idea) of how this might affect your relationship with your parents.

Is there not the option of the Dutch family coming to the UK to visit ?

gwynlas

It is obviously important to them increased by the likelihood that this is possibly the last time that they see this part of the family. I think that you should go. You say that you would not begrudge spending the money on taking your parents out for a meal which might make a happy memory but any meal shared with family might do that. I do not know what other extended family you have but you mother especially wants this opportunity to show off her sons. You might not hit it off with this side of the family but on the other hand you might make a connection by sharing this experience. Explore all travel options as other airports might offer cheaper flight and parking and we are on the MSE forum

mark_cycling00

I'd say go on the holiday. 
It doesn't sound like this is about logic and money.

It must be petrifying to know that you're slowly losing your memory or know that you'll probably never have a holiday again and find normal life increasingly difficult to manage.

Sounds like they've picked this trip because they want their final holiday to be about family being all together. They could have just gone on a fancy cruise by themselves. 

If you don't go it may be very upsetting for them.

One day this might be you. 

RAS

Given this is the Netherlands, have you explored using the ferries? Overnight crossings include a cabin and even the restaurant meals booked ahead aren't expensive. 

You can also get sail and rail packages that include transport on the day of travel to/from any station in the Netherlands at a reasonable price. Just check the deal if your destination is near the port.

Stateofart

I think you should suck it up and go.  It sounds like to me that there will always be something 'preventing' you from going so just bite the bullet and go.  You said yourself you haven't been yet and are planning to not go again, making it very likely you'll need to go next year.  Obviously, it's entirely up to you but I bet they'll always been something in the way.  How about suggesting they come to you as a compromise?  If they haven't, I suspect they're not willing and your family are doing all the traveling.   

newparent77

Thank you all so much for your comments, really helps to get other people's insights! Just to answer a few points that have come up:

• I've asked if the family in the Netherlands are planning to come to the UK (they haven't yet) but there is nothing concrete planned. If they did, I'd happily meet up with them. For example, they have apparently expressed an interest in visiting a city about 90 mins from where we live (I live quite close to my parents) - I would happily travel there to meet them and take my parents too so they could see them.
• It does seem a little one sided in that it has always been my parents who have done the travelling so far. However, they've been happy to do so but hopefully the other family would be more willing to come over here if and when my parents decide they can't do the journey any more. This family are themselves in their early 60s.
• I've had a look at ferry, train etc as alternative travel options but not in great depth I must admit. Where they might have been cheaper, they ended up resulting in less time at the destination than the already short amount of time we'd get there from flying. But still, I could do some more investigating.
• Absolutely appreciate what everyone says in terms of future regrets. I live fairly close to my parents (my brother lives a couple of hours away) so I naturally see them more - they tend to come to mine for Christmas, Easter etc for example, and I can pop round to see them easily. As mentioned, even if I didn't go on this particular trip, would still make the effort to do things with them through the year.

Thank you again so much for everyone's thoughts, I really do appreciate it.