Watty's Awakening

ajmoney

SandyShores said:

its so refreshing to just do what I think - and I'm left wondering why I didn't give myself permission to do this before! 

I have been trying something similar to this so far this year. After years of conditioning it isn't easy but I am finding it quite liberating!

Greying_Pilgrim

daisy_1571 said:

.... Mr d had a nitpicky boss who had to see EVERY  communication.   She ALWAYS  had changes.  Then when the changed document was presented, more changes.  Ad infinitum.  Till it jo longer made sense sometimes.  Often it ended with her changing some bits back to how mr d had started.  With me, I'd have just done it and known she was an @ho!e.  He was high up grade by this time for heaven's sake...........  Hes not like me though and it really knocked his confidence that he couldn't even write a stupid letter without it being 'wrong'.  

daisy - I too could have written that about a (female) boss I had very nearly 30 years ago.  Forever nit-picking and re-writing reports or letters that she'd initially delegated to me to do.  Even to the point of switching words around, just for the heck of it - not to make any phrase more transparent, or pointed, or clearer.  Nope, personal style/preference.  She eroded any bit of confidence I had in my role.  Thankfully she was a thrusting, ambitious and married to her career (dressed up as a caring/sharing, floaty, Mary P0pp1ns type), and was soon promoted up and then (rather tellingly) 'out' of the organisation.  

The one thing that I did take away from her 'management' style was not to get hung up with people changing your work (although it is blessed annoying when they 'tinker' for tinkering sakes, and not overall improvement of the project, letter, proposal or whatever), and that my 'skill' was actually writing a first draft/straw horse.  It is always easier to correct/improve/change something when it's written down in front of you - but sometimes it is quite hard to mould the initial draft.  But it's taken until very recently - and getting 'old' to shake off the feelings of inadequacy, or that my opinion didn't count/matter.

Watty - thank you for talking about 'estate management' and making things 'easier' for others left behind, on your thread.  I know they're not easy topics to talk about - but necessary for us all, irrespective of our wealth/reach/or asset levels.  In the recent past we've had similar issues arise when family members have passed away, and a little more 'curated' filing, and a little less hoarding or hiding away would have made matters much easier for those left behind to deal with.  

Greying X

CCW007

daisy_1571 said:

Mr d had a nitpicky boss who had to see EVERY  communication.   She ALWAYS  had changes.  Then when the changed document was presented, more changes.  Ad infinitum. 

Alchemilla said:

daisy_1571 said:

well done starting the push.  It will undoubtedly help him to feel he's making progress.  

I find awkward difficult people easy enough to deal with.  If they consistently find fault with reasonable things, I feel theyre gonna hate everything therefore might as well do what I feel is right secure in the knowledge they will complain and its actually nothing to do with me so it can slide off.  I know some folk can't do this.  Mr d had a nitpicky boss who had to see EVERY  communication.   She ALWAYS  had changes.  Then when the changed document was presented, more changes.  Ad infinitum.  Till it jo longer made sense sometimes.  Often it ended with her changing some bits back to how mr d had started.  With me, I'd have just done it and known she was an @ho!e.  He was high up grade by this time for heaven's sake.  He though used to tie himself in knots trying to 'get it right'.  I tried to help telling him that was madness, nothing would ever be 'right', its her issue  nothing he has done or not done.  Hes not like me though and it really knocked his confidence that he couldn't even write a stupid letter without it being 'wrong'.  I hated that woman.   (Funny, i rarely get annoyed about people who slight me, but upset him and I hate you lol.)   Vnms mum sounds like that and it seems he's more like mrds approach, still hoping for a kind word from someone who withholds it. 


Hoping he finds it easier as time goes on


Dxxx

That is my boss. Except mine is male.

SandyShores said:

Alchemilla said:

daisy_1571 said:  

I find awkward difficult people easy enough to deal with.  If they consistently find fault with reasonable things, I feel theyre gonna hate everything therefore might as well do what I feel is right secure in the knowledge they will complain and its actually nothing to do with me so it can slide off.  I know some folk can't do this.  Mr d had a nitpicky boss who had to see EVERY  communication.   She ALWAYS  had changes.  Then when the changed document was presented, more changes.  Ad infinitum.  Till it jo longer made sense sometimes.  Often it ended with her changing some bits back to how mr d had started.  .....

That is my boss. Except mine is male.

Omg I have had a couple of bosses like this and I react like Mr d so can emphasise.  Although before xmas I had some advice from a new manager who does the same as daisy_1571 and I've been putting it into practice - its so refreshing to just do what I think - and I'm left wondering why I didn't give myself permission to do this before! 

I had a boss and their manager who were like this. Always had to change something. Submitted a report, boss changed something (incorrectly). I forwarded to their manager (with tracked changes) who changed it back to how I had originally written it. 

I was able to submit report exactly as I had written it and they both felt that they had made the necessary changes 🤷🏼‍♀️

CCW007

Greying_Pilgrim said

Watty - thank you for talking about 'estate management' and making things 'easier' for others left behind, on your thread.  I know they're not easy topics to talk about - but necessary for us all, irrespective of our wealth/reach/or asset levels.  In the recent past we've had similar issues arise when family members have passed away, and a little more 'curated' filing, and a little less hoarding or hiding away would have made matters much easier for those left behind to deal with.  

Completely agree with this.

On a related note, we are having to have some very uncomfortable conversations with parent who is coming to end of life, not only about their wishes afterwards but also as things progress.

As hard as it is, it's preferable to the alternative of having to guess at a time when emotions are running high and there is the potential for conflict in interpreting what the loved one would have wanted. 

Watty1

I think we all have been or will go through this @CCW007  

Nice to read my musings have helped some, I know it has helped me to realise how much of my admin is online or in files which it occurs to me is the digital equivalent of hording in some ways.   I will continue with the decluttering and thinking about moving to the next stage of my life but I will also do my own inventory this year too.

Up early and at work as the office has a planned power cut for most of the day.  Will fill flasks with warm water, make sure the wood burner is going and then do the admin that does not need anything driven by electricity (very little I suspect)   

Alchemilla

greenbee said:

My dad was sent off in his very scruffy sailing gear. He'd have hated to be wearing a suit for eternity!

I don't think I knew your Dad had died. Sorry to hear it.

Alchemilla

SandyShores said:

Alchemilla said:

daisy_1571 said:  

I find awkward difficult people easy enough to deal with.  If they consistently find fault with reasonable things, I feel theyre gonna hate everything therefore might as well do what I feel is right secure in the knowledge they will complain and its actually nothing to do with me so it can slide off.  I know some folk can't do this.  Mr d had a nitpicky boss who had to see EVERY  communication.   She ALWAYS  had changes.  Then when the changed document was presented, more changes.  Ad infinitum.  Till it jo longer made sense sometimes.  Often it ended with her changing some bits back to how mr d had started.  .....

That is my boss. Except mine is male.

Omg I have had a couple of bosses like this and I react like Mr d so can emphasise.  Although before xmas I had some advice from a new manager who does the same as daisy_1571 and I've been putting it into practice - its so refreshing to just do what I think - and I'm left wondering why I didn't give myself permission to do this before! 

I do say to myself I'm getting paid 37 hours a week so if he really wants me doing the same thing over & over he is welcome. I'm also supposedly senior ...

When things go to jis manager they often go back to my version.

Greying_Pilgrim

CCW007 said:

On a related note, we are having to have some very uncomfortable conversations with parent who is coming to end of life, not only about their wishes afterwards but also as things progress.

As hard as it is, it's preferable to the alternative of having to guess at a time when emotions are running high and there is the potential for conflict in interpreting what the loved one would have wanted. 

We had a similar situation with my mother - who was entirely lucid, but hadn't planned anything, despite having  a terminal condition and was in receipt of palliative care.  I think she thought by not thinking about death, it wouldn't happen.  Her wishes were simple, straightforward and actually very thoughtful; but after she was gone the arguments started.  I think I secured pretty much what she'd requested and just walked away from the drama llamas.  There would have been less room for 'whataboutery' if she'd at least made a few straightforward, clear notes.

Greying X

greenbee

Alchemilla said:

greenbee said:

My dad was sent off in his very scruffy sailing gear. He'd have hated to be wearing a suit for eternity!

I don't think I knew your Dad had died. Sorry to hear it.

It was 7 years ago now, but thank you.

Greying_Pilgrim said:

CCW007 said:

On a related note, we are having to have some very uncomfortable conversations with parent who is coming to end of life, not only about their wishes afterwards but also as things progress.

As hard as it is, it's preferable to the alternative of having to guess at a time when emotions are running high and there is the potential for conflict in interpreting what the loved one would have wanted. 

We had a similar situation with my mother - who was entirely lucid, but hadn't planned anything, despite having  a terminal condition and was in receipt of palliative care.  I think she thought by not thinking about death, it wouldn't happen.  Her wishes were simple, straightforward and actually very thoughtful; but after she was gone the arguments started.  I think I secured pretty much what she'd requested and just walked away from the drama llamas.  There would have been less room for 'whataboutery' if she'd at least made a few straightforward, clear notes.

Greying X

My dad spent his last couple of weeks arranging his own service, which I guess is unusual. And leaving detailed instructions for various things that we then took our own judgement as to whether to comply with or not - he was happy knowing we'd said we'd do things, and we then decided what was right for my mum. I found that during my dad's last few months, saying yes to things was easiest (e.g. he wanted to give certain things to friends who were worried that they were 'family' things we should keep - I told them to say yes, and we'd sort it out later, which we have done, perfectly amicably). 

Suffolksue

Delurking .My DH had a foul progressive neuro degeneration illness ( like MND but different ) Mentally he was lucid but his body didn’t work .
we knew from the diagnosis what the outcome would be .
whenever my son and I broached the subject of what he would like the reply was always the same 
“Do what you want ,I won’t be there “!