big debt owed to me from friend

tiger135

A fair few people know about it now, which is obviously embarassing for him ( alrhough i dont think he cares what anyone thinks) and makes me look like a mug.
He has no assets, an average job  which he says doesnt pay enough to live.
He pays his dad 1k a month including bills to live in his dads 3 bed investment  house.
  Ive tried offering to help with his budgeting but its a case of " no point because im not earning enough". he has no interest in small amounts, but I am certain any more income would result in more spending. He has an iva already and owes his dad as well as me.
Just an absolute liability.
 I've no doubt he would sign something to admit the debt is owed so if theres a way I could set up a claim based on that, it could work.

bluelad1927

Unless you've got some written agreement write it off never have any contact again and move on.

This person is no friend. They have abused any relationship they have had with you and nothing will change in the future.

_Penny_Dreadful

tiger135 said:

I'm on the wrong end of a debt which accumulated over several years, there was definitely an element of bullying involved and false promises. The debtor, a long term friend, is still insisting they will pay the debt, even if it ends up coming from inheritance of a parent dying!
Now due to a lack of solid progress being made in the last 2 years I am looking to give this 'friend' an ultimatem.
If I am correct, I believe that debts to companies / banks are eventually 'resolved' by agreement, often a very small regular payment which is unlikely to clear the debt. Am I right here? Also if I am right, then this small regular repayment is a sign of intent, and to the owed party  is better than writing the debt off. 
I have tried to make clear I would like the same. I want a gesture of intent, every week. Even if its £20-30 its useful to me and shows willing.
However, this debtor friend appears to want to do things his own way. 
A lot of the money went into businesses and equipment which eventually came to nothing. Looking back it was my money funding a lifestyle he wanted, appearing to be a company director and making his own diary every day ( not working for anyone else). 
I was promised it would all be paid back no matter what, even if he had to stack shelves all night.In reality this guy does not like working for other people. He also does not like having to budget like everyone else. 
Part of me is glad he is now having to live like everyone else and not a grand business owning illusion.
Its also become apparant he has some form of Adhd. He may mean well but does not think things through and often bullies people into doing things. 
So my question now, should I give him the ultimateum of paying me a small regular amount, which could easily be budgeted, perhaps easier by stopping smoking, but thats not my problem. 
Or should I write off this huge debt and be done with him?
Its rather sad as we had been friends since school and I know his parents quite well also. They struggle to control him and he often treats them badly too.
Like I said I feel I am being extremelty reasonable to ask for £25-50 a week, anything is better than nothing!
The worrying thing is he still has some delusions that the way out of this mess is starting up yet another business!
Thanks for any thoughts on this. 

Is this the same friend you posted about earlier this year who’s in the throes of an IVA?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6437812/long-term-loan-to-friend

The money is gone, stop flogging the dead horse. The first time you lent him money which he didn’t pay back should have been your last. 

tiger135

Thats what im saying, I need to make a decision , not willing to go through another year like the last two of false promises, nothing being delivered. 
So an ultimatim needs to be delivered  pay me weekly a minimum amount if you want to stay as a friend or I will be gone for good.

Pollycat

tiger135 said:

Thats what im saying, I need to make a decision , not willing to go through another year like the last two of false promises, nothing being delivered. 
So an ultimatim needs to be delivered  pay me weekly a minimum amount if you want to stay as a friend or I will be gone for good.

Do you really think that will work as an ultimatum?

tiger135

the way i see it ,if i owed anyone money id be paying it back however it suited them and working hard to do it. id have a conscience, id feel guilty. 
for example if i lost money gambling but it was borrowed money, id swallow my ego , quit the gamblling and work hard to pay it back.
i certainly would not be thinking about more bets and trying to get the money back that way.
its like hes trying to keep me sweet, and has seen me as a soft touch.
allmost like he thinks we can still be friends despite the money owed.
i feel like i need to make a stand now, even if it ends the friendship. 

Pollycat

tiger135 said:

the way i see it ,if i owed anyone money id be paying it back however it suited them and working hard to do it. id have a conscience, id feel guilty. 
for example if i lost money gambling but it was borrowed money, id swallow my ego , quit the gamblling and work hard to pay it back.
i certainly would not be thinking about more bets and trying to get the money back that way.
its like hes trying to keep me sweet, and has seen me as a soft touch.
allmost like he thinks we can still be friends despite the money owed.
i feel like i need to make a stand now, even if it ends the friendship. 

But your 'friend' obviously does not see it the way you see it. He doesn't have the same viewpoint about debt to friends as you do.
You can't change that.

This has been going on for 10 years.
Do you really think you have any chance of getting any of your money back?
Things have not changed since you posted 8 months ago.
Why didn't you act back in April?
You are no further forward now than you were then.

To remind you of a post you made:

tiger135 said:

let it go and be done with him..  
cut all ties.. delete numbers.. 

Emmia

tiger135 said:

the way i see it ,if i owed anyone money id be paying it back however it suited them and working hard to do it. id have a conscience, id feel guilty. 
for example if i lost money gambling but it was borrowed money, id swallow my ego , quit the gamblling and work hard to pay it back.
i certainly would not be thinking about more bets and trying to get the money back that way.
its like hes trying to keep me sweet, and has seen me as a soft touch.
allmost like he thinks we can still be friends despite the money owed.
i feel like i need to make a stand now, even if it ends the friendship. 

I think you should soft exit, no ultimatum just put distance between you and him. Don't respond to texts / calls / messages etc. quickly, ignore any about borrowing more... He'll eventually get the message you're not friends.

You do need to accept you'll never see the money you loaned (gave) him again.

_Penny_Dreadful

tiger135 said:

Thats what im saying, I need to make a decision , not willing to go through another year like the last two of false promises, nothing being delivered. 
So an ultimatim needs to be delivered  pay me weekly a minimum amount if you want to stay as a friend or I will be gone for good.

This person is not your friend. Friends do not treat each other the way he has treated you. An ultimatum is not required, it would be pointless. Move on without this leech in your life. 

Angelica123

Whether you offer an ultimatum or not, the outcome is the same. This guy is never paying you back. At this point, you should have enough respect for yourself to end the friendship.