Can’t afford to rent or buy - don’t know what to do

[Deleted User]

Titus_Wadd said:

I'm a tad frustrated.  

As a Northerner who moved South nearly 30 years ago I wasn't keen on North/South stereotypes.  But there is truth in the chatting at a bus stop or the Tesco queue comments.  We also faced buying a much smaller hime for more money.  And I did have to make more of an effort to be sociable down here, like introducing myself to the neighbours and being the first one to invite them over for a cuppa or a beer.  Lonely folk of London ask yourself when you last struck up a conversation with or befriended an outsider who just moved close to where you live or joined your work? Why should you expect anyone anywhere in the country to befriend you without being open to doing the same on your home turf?

The store that is set by "living in London" with access to shops and theatres/museums...when did you last go to either?  If it's less than twice a year you can stay over and do that from anywhere in the country, or from Scotland, NI or Wales for that matter.

OP wants to be close by his family and old friends...but how many of them came over to visit you and hang out in Norwich?  Why do you only perceive travelling back to the smoke to keep in touch with them?  If they don't think it's worth the journey are you correct in setting store by their friendship, esp. if it is holding you back from moving to achieve your plan for home-ownership or any other long term goal?  By asking these questions I'm not trying to plunge you into fearing that you don't actually have a great social life with genuine friends!  I'm just trying to help you ask a few more questions to help you make a decision.

Once you get to 30+ I'm sure some of your contacts from school or college or early jobs have moved away.  Every 18 year old who moved across the country to start Uni this October will have had at least one cold sweat wondering if they'll hate it, or if no one will speak to them, or whether they should have gone to Uni nearer home to have the safety net of old contacts and family nearby.  I told my son when he left home that he should think about making other folk comfortable enough to talk to him, even if he starts a conversation that doesn't get a good reception.  There's always someone who will chat back, it just requires effort.  I don't doubt that it seems more difficult at 35 than it might have at 18, but I'm still doing it in my 60s and I'm losing more friends to old age and cancer than I used to so I need to keep going, to keep making friends.

My Mum (born in 1925) was the first person in her family to go to Uni (during WW2 there were few male students to pair up with), when she did marry her in-laws expected her to give up working saying she needed to "Cut according to her cloth" meaning adjust to her budget to reduced income.  Her reply was "I'm just making more cloth".  In your mid-30s you are master of your own destiny and being single you can take risks like taking a slight pay-cut to live somewhere cheaper.  Once you are tied to a location or job because of a partner's career or because you have to keep a roof over your family's head it gets harder to take risks, not easier.  

All I would say is be prepared to take another risk: what does it matter if you meet your future life partner whilst still living at home, who gives a monkey's chuff?  Probably not your soul-mate!  Tear yourself away from the smoke and maybe visit a few towns around the country, apply for a few jobs further afield and posts that are more advanced that your current post or in a parallel field and see what happens.  Take a risk!  Push yourself because even a very minor "win" will help with your self-esteem and depression.  Life is too effing short to stay at home with Mum and Dad doing the same job until you retire.  You won't regret the odd set back or failure 30 years on but, you will reflect on missed opportunities.

I was medically retired at 40 but I can't dwell on all of the "what might have beens", I just have to keep on keeping on.

I replied towards the end of your previous thread and I would suggest you have a think about all the positive scenarios and suggestions folk have presented; start with something small and achievable.  Spend less time posting about the insurmountable obstacles you believe are in your way because that is making you think negatively which will keep you in a downward spiral.  Make a few minor changes and report back because folk are genuinely trying to help you on here, but it's really down to you.  What changes for the better have you made since Norwich? - I don't need to know, but it could be a starting point for change rather than convincing yourself that the world or the country or the city is hampering you achieving your fullest potential. 

I'm not very good at making friends. Never have been and never will be. And I'm ok with that. It does place you in a difficult situation when you need to move away from everyone you know, because you don't earn enough money. 

I will start using weekends to try and explore different places in the UK. I'm not too well travelled within the country. I've never been too interested in Birmingham, Sheffield, Leeds etc but perhaps that's my loss. I do find it hard to talk myself into moving to one of these places, just to have a modest place to live. 

I think the cost of doing anything in the UK is also a bit of a turn-off. Trains and accommodation will make weekend trips very expensive.

After failing to adjust to life in Norwich, I am quite reluctant to make another wrong step. I know that's a negative mndset though so I'll try to be a bit more daring and optimistic. 

Thanks for your advice. 

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't recommend  Birmingham, sure it's got great train services, and I have no doubt there are lots of interesting places there, but have you seen the number of stabbings in that area? ( live within the county so see this on the local news) but for actual stats on knife crime:

"ONS data shows that in 2022/23, West Midlands Police recorded the highest rate of 178 offences per 100,000 population. In contrast, the North Yorkshire recorded the lowest rate of 35 offences each, per 100,000 population." 

Like many cities there are good bits but you do really need to do your research, wherever you decide on. I'd go North!

RHemmings

Given the distance to London, Swindon appears quite cheap. 50 minutes or thereabouts to London Paddington. I've never been to Swindon, so can't comment. 

Luke451

[Deleted User] said:

I wouldn't recommend  Birmingham, sure it's got great train services, and I have no doubt there are lots of interesting places there, but have you seen the number of stabbings in that area? ( live within the county so see this on the local news) but for actual stats on knife crime:

"ONS data shows that in 2022/23, West Midlands Police recorded the highest rate of 178 offences per 100,000 population. In contrast, the North Yorkshire recorded the lowest rate of 35 offences each, per 100,000 population." 

Like many cities there are good bits but you do really need to do your research, wherever you decide on. I'd go North!

UK has criminals everywhere, and regarding knife crime, just give them what they want, majority of bad knife crimes happen between gangs. 

Plus, it's enough to avoid certain areas and certain people in life completely.

You can't recommend Yorkshire if he wants to travel to London to see family and friends, though I agree that it's nice up there.

Luke451

[Deleted User] said:

Titus_Wadd said:

I'm a tad frustrated.  

As a Northerner who moved South nearly 30 years ago I wasn't keen on North/South stereotypes.  But there is truth in the chatting at a bus stop or the Tesco queue comments.  We also faced buying a much smaller hime for more money.  And I did have to make more of an effort to be sociable down here, like introducing myself to the neighbours and being the first one to invite them over for a cuppa or a beer.  Lonely folk of London ask yourself when you last struck up a conversation with or befriended an outsider who just moved close to where you live or joined your work? Why should you expect anyone anywhere in the country to befriend you without being open to doing the same on your home turf?

The store that is set by "living in London" with access to shops and theatres/museums...when did you last go to either?  If it's less than twice a year you can stay over and do that from anywhere in the country, or from Scotland, NI or Wales for that matter.

OP wants to be close by his family and old friends...but how many of them came over to visit you and hang out in Norwich?  Why do you only perceive travelling back to the smoke to keep in touch with them?  If they don't think it's worth the journey are you correct in setting store by their friendship, esp. if it is holding you back from moving to achieve your plan for home-ownership or any other long term goal?  By asking these questions I'm not trying to plunge you into fearing that you don't actually have a great social life with genuine friends!  I'm just trying to help you ask a few more questions to help you make a decision.

Once you get to 30+ I'm sure some of your contacts from school or college or early jobs have moved away.  Every 18 year old who moved across the country to start Uni this October will have had at least one cold sweat wondering if they'll hate it, or if no one will speak to them, or whether they should have gone to Uni nearer home to have the safety net of old contacts and family nearby.  I told my son when he left home that he should think about making other folk comfortable enough to talk to him, even if he starts a conversation that doesn't get a good reception.  There's always someone who will chat back, it just requires effort.  I don't doubt that it seems more difficult at 35 than it might have at 18, but I'm still doing it in my 60s and I'm losing more friends to old age and cancer than I used to so I need to keep going, to keep making friends.

My Mum (born in 1925) was the first person in her family to go to Uni (during WW2 there were few male students to pair up with), when she did marry her in-laws expected her to give up working saying she needed to "Cut according to her cloth" meaning adjust to her budget to reduced income.  Her reply was "I'm just making more cloth".  In your mid-30s you are master of your own destiny and being single you can take risks like taking a slight pay-cut to live somewhere cheaper.  Once you are tied to a location or job because of a partner's career or because you have to keep a roof over your family's head it gets harder to take risks, not easier.  

All I would say is be prepared to take another risk: what does it matter if you meet your future life partner whilst still living at home, who gives a monkey's chuff?  Probably not your soul-mate!  Tear yourself away from the smoke and maybe visit a few towns around the country, apply for a few jobs further afield and posts that are more advanced that your current post or in a parallel field and see what happens.  Take a risk!  Push yourself because even a very minor "win" will help with your self-esteem and depression.  Life is too effing short to stay at home with Mum and Dad doing the same job until you retire.  You won't regret the odd set back or failure 30 years on but, you will reflect on missed opportunities.

I was medically retired at 40 but I can't dwell on all of the "what might have beens", I just have to keep on keeping on.

I replied towards the end of your previous thread and I would suggest you have a think about all the positive scenarios and suggestions folk have presented; start with something small and achievable.  Spend less time posting about the insurmountable obstacles you believe are in your way because that is making you think negatively which will keep you in a downward spiral.  Make a few minor changes and report back because folk are genuinely trying to help you on here, but it's really down to you.  What changes for the better have you made since Norwich? - I don't need to know, but it could be a starting point for change rather than convincing yourself that the world or the country or the city is hampering you achieving your fullest potential. 

I'm not very good at making friends. Never have been and never will be. And I'm ok with that. It does place you in a difficult situation when you need to move away from everyone you know, because you don't earn enough money. 

I will start using weekends to try and explore different places in the UK. I'm not too well travelled within the country. I've never been too interested in Birmingham, Sheffield, Leeds etc but perhaps that's my loss. I do find it hard to talk myself into moving to one of these places, just to have a modest place to live. 

I think the cost of doing anything in the UK is also a bit of a turn-off. Trains and accommodation will make weekend trips very expensive.

After failing to adjust to life in Norwich, I am quite reluctant to make another wrong step. I know that's a negative mndset though so I'll try to be a bit more daring and optimistic. 

Thanks for your advice. 

Yes, UK is a defaulted country, but guess what, it's better to find a solution here rather than hammering your feelings on how bad it is.

Birmingham is too expensive? Well Norwich is pretty much same distance (can't check now) and it has zero young social life...

If you don't have the car and never travelled in UK, I see now... I travelled for more than 50k miles just for leisure, I saw the country up and down, I probably visited 100 nice spots, nature, museums, castles etc...

Birmimgham is for you mate, and it's not bad at all, plus, your family and friends could also come sometimes, right? If they don't, they simply don't care at all.

In the meanwhile, you would have a nice apartment in a vibrant city and from time to time travel to London, your life quality will be higher and you'll feel a bit more safe in your "own" apartment, but make sure you insure yourself etc...

Coming from Norwich then, lol, you'll love Birmingham, nice pubs/clubs, man it's impossible you won't like it, unless you have some Southern or extreme Northen stereotype against Birmimgham , and I would suggest to get rid of it right now.

[Deleted User]

Of course there is crime everywhere, in the smallish place I live, near a large and ever expanding town, the problems are largely drugs related, that doesn't mean there is no serious crime, nor do the Birmingham crime stats mean there are no nice areas to live/work in. But you do have to go and look, wherever. 

I didn't "recommend Yorkshire" I said I (note the word I) would move North, there are other places North that are not as far North as Yorkshire  eg North of London you find several counties before I even begin to call it "North" lol. 

 However you can't say that it is hard to travel to London to see family and friends, from where I used to live yes, (but that was very rural West )  from Liverpool for instance it takes abt 2hrs 20 on the train to London, hardly the other side of the world is it, for family visits. 

As i said personal choice, having lived around the UK I've seen a few places I like, some not too keen on, and have found people generally friendly in most places. 

Titus_Wadd

OP, it is hard.  Life is hard, but most of us survive and end up with a handful of friends.  

I like being near the sea, so don't dismiss coastal towns that aren't quite cities...they are also good for tempting city-bound friends and family to visit.  Just keep an open mind, and you will be ok, I'm sure!

I'm sorry that your thread has been hijacked so I'm checking-out.

[Deleted User]

It's something a lot of people say to me, aren't you lucky to live in (county) because they have seen the nice bits on tv, the 500K plus  houses surrounded by fields, and would that I could afford that. But even a decent local salary precludes anything like that. 

My point being wherever you are, unless you have the money there usually has  to be a compromise. It's finding one that you can live with.  If being close to family and current friends is the important thing to the OP then settling for the accommodation might be the compromise worth making or at least looking for better as close to them as is affordable. 

[Deleted User]

Luke451 said:

[Deleted User] said:

I wouldn't recommend  Birmingham, sure it's got great train services, and I have no doubt there are lots of interesting places there, but have you seen the number of stabbings in that area? ( live within the county so see this on the local news) but for actual stats on knife crime:

"ONS data shows that in 2022/23, West Midlands Police recorded the highest rate of 178 offences per 100,000 population. In contrast, the North Yorkshire recorded the lowest rate of 35 offences each, per 100,000 population." 

Like many cities there are good bits but you do really need to do your research, wherever you decide on. I'd go North!

UK has criminals everywhere, and regarding knife crime, just give them what they want, majority of bad knife crimes happen between gangs. 

Plus, it's enough to avoid certain areas and certain people in life completely.

You can't recommend Yorkshire if he wants to travel to London to see family and friends, though I agree that it's nice up there.

I’m not worried about knife crime. If you get stabbed, you get stabbed. It’s very unlikely and I’m not worried about it. I’ve lived in South London for several years and I’ve had knives pulled on me but it wouldn’t discourage me from living there again. 

I don’t know anything about Birmingham. I think most people see it as somewhere that is quite deprived and where people have dodgy accents. I should visit because there’s always more to places than stereotypes. 

elsien

I don’t live in Brum, but I live quite close to it. Good theatres good places to eat, handy  countryside not too distant if you like walking. Good for the motorway networks in all directions.
As with anywhere, some lovely areas and others that I wouldn’t touch with a bargepole.

For what it’s worth, someone was stabbed and killed at the end of my road last year. And they have been some issues with drug dealing. I still consider my area a  perfectly safe place to live.