Flying solo

Purplelady65

I would just say that it’s not possible and leave it at that. 

twiggy86

Thank you all for your comments. This forum does give me strength, so it is very much appreciated -  despite the fact that I am serial stalker and very rarely comment myself! 

My response was to the effect of - the legal advice says your not entitled and I will not be paying or discussing further unless ex gets legal advice and seeks to tell me differently. 

It was delivered in a firm but as nice as possible - i.e. I said that it didn't come from being malicious for how things ended but "it's now time for my to protect myself financially in a way I didn't when we were together". I opted not to go down the route of "I can't afford to as I'm still paying off your debts" - as that is about affordability, whereas actually we need to address the entitlement first and foremost. Of course, I got abusive texts back but haven't responded and don't intend to unless I deem it necessary for my benefit. 

I know this probably seems stupid to all you reading, but those around me were genuinely shocked that I have finally come to the place of saying I'm not paying anything to him. It's obviously taken me time to heal and to get the inner strength to stop acting to my detriment i.e. not letting my nice (to my own detriment) side rule. So on that same note, it probably came as a massive shock to ex! 

twiggy86

Anyway now that big update is done... 

I didn't do a few things on my list yesterday I was distracted by the development with ex. However, I did go to acro which I thoroughly enjoyed and was a welcome distraction (and yes I paid the lowest amount)! Also had a good chat with bf beforehand, even though I feeling like I'm burdening him with my "eastenders-ech" week!! 

I was meant to be going to my stitch night before netball tonight, but have decided to meet a friend at the pub before the game as she also said she's having a bad week. 

So today's bits and bobs:

• Finish crochet present 
• Look into balance transfer deals and make a decision 
• Start on June budget 
• Eat leftover pasta which I didn't have yesterday
• Order a security camera for front of the house - will take the money from the "house" pot 
• Dinner from stores 
• Wrap present so that I can give to friend tonight to save a separate trip to deliver it 
• Park for free at netball

And just generally hope for a better day today!!! 

badmemory

I agree with your approach.  He is not entitled to any.  If you pleaded affordablility he would just keep coming back until he mithered you into affording it.

twiggy86

Exactly @badmemory ! And what if he saw I'd been on holiday or bought myself something? I'd just be inviting "oh you can afford X so you can pay me"! That was part of my thinking as well! 

foxgloves

Absolutely agree with this approach. I cannot see how he is entitled to any money. If he seeks professional legal advice & it turns out that there is some kind of a case, then that's different. He would need to pay for any legal advice, which I suspect won't happen. My feeling (without knowing either of you IRL of course) is that he did pretty well out of you financially while you were together, & that his new independent life has been a bit of a financial shock to the system. That's his hard bun. There's not a lot of dignity on tapping one's ex for money which isn't owed. If you keep telling him he isn't entitled to anything, then hopefully he will give up.
F

PennysIntoPounds

That sounds like an excellent response twiggy, well done to you. Says it all that you got abusive messages in response doesn't it.

I'm sure nothing dramatic will happen but I'd prioritise ordering and installing the security camera in case he feels like having a silly moment and taking a random thing or causing minor damage in a fit of petulance!

Floss

I think the phrase "time for my to protect myself financially in a way I didn't when we were together" is excellent - and I agree with the security camera suggestion.

twiggy86

Thank you all! Unfortunately @PennysIntoPounds I am concerned about his behaviour as he can be fiery and given everything he's going through I just can't predict his behaviour at the moment. Hopefully that's just me being a bit paranoid, but a camera will definitely give me some piece of mind. Although I do have a "dummy" camera set up at the moment - i.e. I couldn't work out how to set it up properly so it doesn't actually work but I put it in the front window anyway!!!   

Floss

I think this would be a valid reason to ask your dad to set it up for you. He would probably be happy to do so.