First timer seeking accountability

HearThem

Quick update while I’m on a high. I took the two younger kids to a home ed group today and despite initial overwhelm both took part in some activities and would like to go back again. Very pleased!  

Current debt £8614.05 which will reduce by £1400ish when our fancy sofabed refund clears. Had bought this to free up a bedroom for the youngest but it was faulty on arrival so we decided to stick it out sharing the space until we can afford to buy a bigger property. 

Husband will be going back to work full time soon as self employment isn’t for him. There is no shortage of work but he struggles to time manage effectively and struggles with paperwork so it’s added to my load. Hoping he finds something that allows him to be home for bedtime each night 🤞🏼 

HearThem

Hubby is putting the littlest to bed tonight and I’ve just sat and read through my own diary. What a turbulent year. I’m embarrassed at how reckless we have been at times and how difficult it has been to make any headway in decisions moving forward. 

Nothing seems straightforward. We have three wonderful children with very different needs and it’s super overwhelming trying to balance it all. 

I think I am possibly autistic and ADHD but also have imposters syndrome and the fear of finding out for sure. Husband, and many professionals around us suspect husband is autistic.

Our 4 year old has also now received official documentation from the paediatrics team to confirm he has a diagnosis of hypermobility and a ‘working diagnosis’ of ASD. 

We went to view a different small school for them but it was quickly apparently mainstream just isn’t going to work for either of them so we intend to home educate the younger two for the foreseeable. 

This makes a work/home life balance difficult as we are very rural and feeling rather isolated with no support network. It seems so full on, even with both of us home a lot! 

We are going to have a couples meeting tonight and try decide how to proceed. I can see these possible options. 

1. Stay where we are (renting a 3-bed detached housing association house with lovely garden in a small rural village). This would be the cheapest option with no upheaval but as our youngest grows he will definitely need his own bedroom so I’m unsure how to ‘fix’ that here. We tried a sofa bed but unfortunately it was faulty and didn’t seem ideal as a long term sleep solution. 

2. We go on the waiting list for a 4-bed rental. We have been told we would gain priority due to 3x disabled children in the home in need of their own space. This however would mean a move into town which our eldest would struggle with most. It would also mean we’d lose a lovely big garden and our ‘detached’ home as the houses in town have small gardens and are semi detached of 4-in-a-block flats. I know this sounds really snooty of me but I feel so self conscious of noise levels within our home and worry about upsetting neighbours. 

3. We work as much as possible and save hard with the aim of buying a larger home. 

Options 1 & 2 mean income is less important so husband can be a bit more selective on days he works and shift patterns etc when looking for work. They do however mean we stick to this area which is pretty isolating. 

Option 3 means we could move further afield to gain more house for our money, access to more activities and resources and potential for a larger/more active home ed community. It also means however, husband would have to go back into full time employment with overtime to earn enough to make this possible. I’m not convinced I won’t buckle under the pressure. 

Since middle child was diagnosed in December last year I have really struggled mentally. I want the world to accept my children for who they are, I don’t want them to ever feel like they have to change to fit in or that there is something wrong with them. 

Eldest is such a beautiful, kind, loyal soul. A justice seeker. 

Middle is so creative, funny and has an incredible connection with animals.

Littlest is such a bright spark, so curious and fact driven and retains so much knowledge! He is also the sweetest soul. 

They need a lot of accommodating and support but they are incredible people and I can only hope they grow up knowing that. 

If anyone has any other suggestions or would like to help guide us with a ‘what would you do?’ answer please do! 

HearThem

I’m still putting middle child to bed, it’s always a lengthy endeavour, so no chat with husband yet! He’s up at 5:30am for work tomorrow so unsure if we’ll get the chance now tonight. 

MFWannabe

Is buying current property an option? Not sure how long you’ve been there and what/if discount you would get? Then in future years you could maybe extend? 

dawnybabes

Have you looked at all the schools, my DS struggled with his first and middle school but we got him in a resourced provision for high school about 12 miles from home  (ASD/ADHD/hypermobile possibly PDA) and he thrived there. 

HearThem

MFWannabe said:

Is buying current property an option? Not sure how long you’ve been there and what/if discount you would get? Then in future years you could maybe extend? 

Unfortunately not, I don’t think right to buy exists in Scotland. We had applied through OT to extend with disability funding but were denied on ground of how extensive the works would be and the fact they could move us into a 4 bedroom in town, 30 minutes away. 

HearThem

dawnybabes said:

Have you looked at all the schools, my DS struggled with his first and middle school but we got him in a resourced provision for high school about 12 miles from home  (ASD/ADHD/hypermobile possibly PDA) and he thrived there. 

We have looked at all the local provisions within a 30 minute radius. We are 20 miles outside the nearest town and our nearest school which middle child previously thrived in has a new head and within 18 months has lost half of it’s pupil roll due to staff leaving, new positions filled then new staff leaving. It had 26 kids and is now down to 13 so even if we decided to try again, their close friends have moved on into larger schools. 

There is one other small school within commute and 3x larger schools in town. The larger schools won’t work due to size and overwhelm that comes with busy/noisy spaces and the smaller schools are having significant staffing issues which make school very difficult for middle child. There is a small learning centre in town but they only accept children with disability combined with severe learning difficulties. 

Our home ed community covers an area of about 50 miles and has about 10 families we know of but not much regular activities going on. 

in_need_of_direction

No advice on the housing but great that you see your children as differently abled as opposed to disabled.  Well done. Stick with that attitude and it’ll spread.

HearThem

in_need_of_direction said:

No advice on the housing but great that you see your children as differently abled as opposed to disabled.  Well done. Stick with that attitude and it’ll spread.

Oh definitely. They are disabled by the society they are expected to live in but individually have so much to offer the world. 

HearThem

We are still no further along in longer term decision making but alas, life goes on! 

Yesterday I took the younger kids to a home ed pop up group exploring the ocean from space. We were the only family there and the children both really enjoyed it.

Today we have made chocolate brownies and we are about to head for a swim. This will be a challenge but trying to force myself to get out doing things as I know it will help everyone in one way or another. 

Tomorrow I’m hoping to go a long dog walk with a friend while husband is home. Have managed to do this once a week for the past 2 weeks which doesn’t seem massive but it really is. We then have middle child’s friend over for tea until bed time as per our usual Wednesday routine. We also have little sister join us alternating weeks for our youngest but she’s pretty tired after a day at school so couldn’t manage every week. 

Thursday afternoon will be our local(ish) home ed group meet with another 4/5 families. 

We also have a very dear friend’s birthday celebration this weekend so have finally cashed in all the family favours and my sister is going to babysit for a couple hours. We don’t like to ask as she is a solo working parent to two boys (9 & 3) so has her hands full without adding our chaos to the mix! Very grateful for the time we can get.