Asked to leave family home, I don't want to

badmemory · 15 May 2023 at 3:01PM

Is anyone on here thinking about the stink there would be if the stay at home parent had been female even if unmarried, who was told when their child reached secondary school to get out their services were no longer required. 50% would be the starting point not the "there is no way they are getting that much" point. Get a good solicitor, they could well be worth their weight in gold

Exodi · 15 May 2023 at 3:41PM

badmemory said:

Is anyone on here thinking about the stink there would be if the stay at home parent had been female even if unmarried, who was told when their child reached secondary school to get out their services were no longer required. 50% would be the starting point not the "there is no way they are getting that much" point. Get a good solicitor, they could well be worth their weight in gold

Completely agree, though I think forum members have been relatively unbiased in this thread.

But as you say, flip the genders and you would have the common scenario where crowds of people would be echoing "you've been stuck at home looking after HIS child! You should take half the house, that's what you're entitled to".

I think the OP is definitely selling themselves short, which is why I recommended they stop making knee-jerk offers until they get legal advice. Once they recruit a solicitor, I expect the recommendation will be to pursue half the equity.

I'm still not clear on the childcare situation? Where will the daughter live after the split? The mum currently works full time.

Again, if genders were reversed, there might be more people suggesting that the OP's ex should be the one moving out.

lisyloo · 15 May 2023 at 4:25PM

Madness to accept.
You need proper legal advice.
Don't sign anything.

Not sure if it's been mentioned (sorry haven't read everything) but there is a lot of help for menopause these days. She should be engaging with her GP service who may well have a specialist menopause practitioner (nurse).

onomatopoeia99 · 15 May 2023 at 8:53PM

badmemory said:

Is anyone on here thinking about the stink there would be if the stay at home parent had been female even if unmarried, who was told when their child reached secondary school to get out their services were no longer required. 50% would be the starting point not the "there is no way they are getting that much" point. Get a good solicitor, they could well be worth their weight in gold

On this forum, certainly, Possibly also with suggestions to contact Women's Aid regarding his coercive and controlling behaviour and / or financial abuse by trying to "steal" that house from her.

Instead the critique of her actions has been positively restrained compared to how it would have been, had the sexes been reversed.

Gycraig · 15 May 2023 at 10:54PM

Sorry.

“I want my daughter to stay in the same house” that will not be your decision you won’t own the house she can sell it the day after you sign it over and it would be none of your business.

You paid most of the deposit and gave up your career and earning potential to raise a disabled child. Now she is acting like you are a free loader lucky to take scraps away from the relationship. Why are you enabling this ? You aren’t a couple anymore you aren’t friends she is strong arming you with a solicitor and Lying to your face. The woman you dated has gone you need to accept that.

Take your FAIR share of house and look after yourself no one else will.

Exodi · 16 May 2023 at 8:43AM

Gycraig said:

Sorry.

“I want my daughter to stay in the same house” that will not be your decision you won’t own the house she can sell it the day after you sign it over and it would be none of your business.

You paid most of the deposit and gave up your career and earning potential to raise a disabled child. Now she is acting like you are a free loader lucky to take scraps away from the relationship. Why are you enabling this ? You aren’t a couple anymore you aren’t friends she is strong arming you with a solicitor and Lying to your face. The woman you dated has gone you need to accept that.

Take your FAIR share of house and look after yourself no one else will.

When in the moment, (especially if you're not the one who wants to break up) it's very easy to make generous offers, maybe to continue looking after the person you love, maybe in hope that the incredible gesture of kindness may have them rethink their decision.

Been there, done that (then found out the reason for the break up was because of an affair I was clueless to, but irrelevant to the discussion).

My point is - I'm not so sure the OP would so remain confident in his generous decision, when the OP quickly moves in a new partner and soon decides to sell the house and use the ~£100k equity the OP has so gracefully agreed to leave her towards another house (which may or may not be further away from the OP).

To the OP, you are no longer working towards shared goals - she is obviously completely aware of this (and speedily recruited a solicitor), yet you do not.

On a personal note, I hate these situations where a solicitor has been recruited before proper mediation, because you then have a solicitor (who is commonly viewed as a person with great judgement, knowledge and authority) telling one party they are entitled to absolutely everything and that the other party would be lucky to walk away with the clothes on their back... because obviously if they told them that they'll probably get half, then there's no point in paying for the solicitors services. They couldn't care less what the actual outcome turns out to be.

So you have one person confident they are entitled to everything which then scuppers any chance of meaningful negotiation between the parties, meaning the second party then needs to recruit a solicitor who surprisingly tells them that they are also entitled to heaven and earth. Unable to agree among them, it inevitably goes to court, the parties inevitably agree to split the money and the solicitors each walk away with a fat wodge of cash, laughing to each other as they stroll out the building together.

Gycraig · 16 May 2023 at 9:46AM

Exodi said:

Gycraig said:

Sorry.

“I want my daughter to stay in the same house” that will not be your decision you won’t own the house she can sell it the day after you sign it over and it would be none of your business.

You paid most of the deposit and gave up your career and earning potential to raise a disabled child. Now she is acting like you are a free loader lucky to take scraps away from the relationship. Why are you enabling this ? You aren’t a couple anymore you aren’t friends she is strong arming you with a solicitor and Lying to your face. The woman you dated has gone you need to accept that.

Take your FAIR share of house and look after yourself no one else will.

When in the moment, (especially if you're not the one who wants to break up) it's very easy to make generous offers, maybe to continue looking after the person you love, maybe in hope that the incredible gesture of kindness may have them rethink their decision.

Been there, done that (then found out the reason for the break up was because of an affair I was clueless to, but irrelevant to the discussion).

My point is - I'm not so sure the OP would so remain confident in his generous decision, when the OP quickly moves in a new partner and soon decides to sell the house and use the ~£100k equity the OP has so gracefully agreed to leave her towards another house (which may or may not be further away from the OP).

To the OP, you are no longer working towards shared goals - she is obviously completely aware of this (and speedily recruited a solicitor), yet you do not.

On a personal note, I hate these situations where a solicitor has been recruited before proper mediation, because you then have a solicitor (who is commonly viewed as a person with great judgement, knowledge and authority) telling one party they are entitled to absolutely everything and that the other party would be lucky to walk away with the clothes on their back... because obviously if they told them that they'll probably get half, then there's no point in paying for the solicitors services. They couldn't care less what the actual outcome turns out to be.

So you have one person confident they are entitled to everything which then scuppers any chance of meaningful negotiation between the parties, meaning the second party then needs to recruit a solicitor who surprisingly tells them that they are also entitled to heaven and earth. Unable to agree among them, it inevitably goes to court, the parties inevitably agree to split the money and the solicitors each walk away with a fat wodge of cash, laughing to each other as they stroll out the building together.

Seen many family members/friends go through it. Taking paltry amounts and screwing their own future to help someone who doesn’t care about them anymore / to get it over With, Every single one has regretted it at a later date.

Op needs to step back and assess the situation as it is, she probably isn’t coming back and he need to look after his best interest because she certainly isn’t.

If op does what he’s thinking of doing he’s basically giving 35k to someone who doesn’t love him anymore and is actively trying to screw him over. If she gave you 75k you wouldn’t turn round and give her 35k for the fun of it.

Hopefully he gets sorted

jonB · 20 May 2023 at 2:03PM

Last update, and thank you all who offered advice. I've spoken to my solicitor. He advised and gave several scenarios. Take what is offered, counter offer for £40k or counter offer for half the equity. Take what is offered and a straight forward case, should be complete within a month or so. Counter offer for £40k, less than the £60k and that, as far as my solicitor is concerned, is being slightly generous to my ex, but a fair amount considering there is a child involved and the chance my ex can't afford to service an extra £60k added to the mortgage. He says if she was to turn down the £40k, it will most probably go to court, and that is where she can say all sorts to sway a judgement in her favour to keep the house and pay me less. Same goes for £60k. He said if it was to go to court for half the equality, I am looking at between £2 and 5k to finance the case, more if its not going my way.

He said that if there was no child he'd get me half the equity, and most probably get her to pay my costs, but the courts wouldn't like to see the house being sold when there is a child involved.

So the counter offer to her is £40k. He's writing to her solicitor in due course. If she agrees with no further conditions, then I won't sign the paperwork until I find suitable accommodation, or if there are conditions, he will counter that with not leaving the house until I have accommodation.

Since my initial post a month ago my head has stopped spinning and I can now see more clearly. She wants her life back. And now, so do I, something I can't do with her in it. Moving out will be hard, but at the same time, a new start for me. Of course my daughter will suffer for a few weeks/months, but I have promised her that its a new adventure for us both, she'll have a new bedroom, something different to do every weekend.

£40k will afford me to pay up to 6 months rent in advance, breathing space to find employment. Then furnish the flat, most probably just over £30k left over. I've also been astonished to find that at my age, 55, I can apply for over 55 social accommodation! Not ideal, but from what I have read, its guaranteed lifetime occupation (so long as the rent is paid). I've applied for several locations.

Thank you all again.

"Let everything happen to you / Beauty and terror / Just keep going / No feeling is final."

Rainer Maria Rilke