How can I find out details of someone’s death?

ellectrastar

tooldle said:

Would the same relative answer your husband’s questions, if he makes it clear that he is seeking only some detail / clarifications?

Said relative is generally not a nice person, very self-centred and loves a bit of drama where they can be the main focus. In short, I know for a fact they would only make my husband feel worse than he does already and very doubtful they would divulge any details. The feeling around it all is so uncomfortable it just makes it feel like we can’t ask anyone at the risk of either getting denied the information or being flat out blamed for everything. Like I said, I don’t know how my husband has been portrayed, I don’t even know the reason behind the ban other than being told not to come “out of respect”. Not sure what the eff that means when we haven’t done anything to warrant being told that. 

Spendless

ellectrastar said:

tooldle said:

Would the same relative answer your husband’s questions, if he makes it clear that he is seeking only some detail / clarifications?

Said relative is generally not a nice person, very self-centred and loves a bit of drama where they can be the main focus. In short, I know for a fact they would only make my husband feel worse than he does already and very doubtful they would divulge any details. The feeling around it all is so uncomfortable it just makes it feel like we can’t ask anyone at the risk of either getting denied the information or being flat out blamed for everything. Like I said, I don’t know how my husband has been portrayed, I don’t even know the reason behind the ban other than being told not to come “out of respect”. Not sure what the eff that means when we haven’t done anything to warrant being told that. 

In that case I hope this relative is being truthful by telling your husband he isn't welcome at his Mum's funeral, rather than making it up due to whatever 'agenda' this relative is on. 

By your own admission you don't believe you've done anything wrong to warrant being told that. Your MIL was even planning on visiting later this year so things weren't that bad between you all. 

I hope this isn't going to be a case of people wonder why your DH didn't turn up at his Mum's funeral and said relative denies all knowledge of what he's said. 

tooldle

I’d just give them a call and ask straight out. Keep it simple and pleasant and see what happens. Would it help your husband to remind him that others cannot make him feel anything, it is his choice how he responds.
A call to the husband might be sensible, if there is concerns around the other relative being unreliable. I wouldn’t read anything into the husband not calling with the news. My Fil told only one person and expected them to spread the word. Everyone is different. 

ellectrastar

I managed to find out when the funeral is by calling the local crematoriums. When I asked they said they had it booked but had to check with the funeral director whether they could give the info out as it was restricted. Gave a fake name as had an inkling they may not tell me if I gave them mine. Not sure why in general details of a funeral would be secret, or restricted?? Of course it makes us think the family have instructed not to speak to us if we call.

Yes I regularly tell my husband that you can’t control other people’s actions, only the way you choose to deal with them. It’s just a shame that not one member of the family has supported him in any way. 

So now we know when it is and we can do our own thing on that day. Who knows what will happen to the ashes, I imagine they may be spread somewhere but that’s not important. And I will look into the cause of death in time.