Money Moral Dilemma: Should I take legal action against my daughter?

Danien

If this dilemma is real...

It seems to me that from what you have described your daughter might be in a difficult situation herself. If her husband has a drug problem, then that costs money and may be why your daughter can no longer make repayments.


Drug addicts are often manipulative and controlling in order to ensure they get money off of family/spouse/partner/friends in order to fund their drug habit. Your son in law has separated your daughter from the support of her mother - is it possible he has separated her from others too? Your daughter may well want to pay you back but feels stuck between a rock and a hard place, being controlled and manipulated by her husband and not really realising the extent.

It may well be that there are other things than money at stake here - your daughter's wellbeing and future. It is difficult for many people to admit they've made a mistake in marrying, especially when others have also been hurt. Your daughter may not even understand the situation she in, or the damage her husband is doing to her, her life and her relationships.

Were it me, I would not engage with the husband at all, you cannot reason with him or appeal to his sympathy- he has none. Is his name on the deed of the house? Has he paid anything towards the house? Will he be entitled to part of the house if they divorce?

You are currently in a position where you need to accept reality:

If you have no legal means to get the money back (get kegal advice to be certain), then that money is in all probability lost to you.

Once you accept that reality, you need to go forward and sort out the problems now in front of you, the two main issues are what relationship if any you want with your daughter and how to ensure you don't lose your own property.

Is your relationship with your daughter irreparable on your side? Or do you still love her regardless of whether she is able to pay the money back? My advice would be that the only possibility of ever getting the money back is to make the relationship with your daughter the priority. This is very difficult as you obviously feel very bitter, and you may not be able to do it. For myself, I would put my daughter above everything, tell myself that it is only money and that I need to save my daughter from this controlling drug addict - if I lost my house I'd find somewhere to live, or I'd take in a tenant to help meet costs before that happened maybe another older woman. To me my daughter would be more important than any money. The only way to repair your relationship may be to meet privately and perhaps secretly with her away from the house. Be a caring, listening Mum and express how worried you are about her. Try not to be critical. This money is a giant dark cloud over her relationship with you. She can't pay it back because of the controlling husband, but she sees no way to have a good relationship with you while this hangs over her.

We all have limited time on Earth, we have to decide what is most important. If you can't get over this money not being paid back and you have no way to legally get it back then write off the relationship with your daughter. If you are always going to feel bitter and betrayed you are just stressing yourself out by continuing to pursue trying to get the money back. Change your will so none of the money goes to your son in law's addiction.

If you can forgive your daughter and can accept you may never get the money back, then try to rebuild your relationship with her, but in private outside her house and hope that with love and support she can find the insight and strength to leave her husband, but you shouldn't suggest it unless she says she is unhappy. If you push it first you'll push her away.

Sometimes you need to cut a family member out of your life. Sometimes you need to get over your own pain, bitterness and financial loss in order to keep that person in your life.

For yourself, go to a welfare rights or CAB and get advice on your financial situation. If you have a spare room consider taking in a elderly woman as a lodger. Take care of yourself - stress is very bad for your health and letting yourself move forward with a new plan rather than clinging to the possibility of getting back a debt you can't legally pursue will be much better for your health.

TBagpuss

Mrs_mouseThrostle3 said:

I went round to see them after the fall out at the wedding. The husband wouldn't let me in said I was mad and did nothing for the wedding (I did nearly everything) and also said how dare I go to HIS house uninvited! I was heartbroken. 
I have written since...it was ignored. I have been around again and she promised to pay. That was months ago. The husband has a drug problem and his family were relieved to get him off their hands. I think they have been stirring things. I am now destined to pay his mortgage for the rest if his life.
My income is less than £10000 a year and I have just had major surgery for cancer. 
No one deserves this from their child. £130000! How am I expected to pay this? It's disgusting. I'm ashamed of their behaviour. I'm now  on antidepressants. 
They can't be allowed to get away with this. She has paid the mortgage every month for 4 years up until the wedding. I have the bank statements. I was forced to sign the paperwork from her bank or she'd lose her 
own mortgage. I took no legal advice. I trusted her. I loved her.

The first thing you need to do it to go to get some proper legal advice now, to make sure that you are 100% clear about what your position is and what you legal options are.

The situation is likely to be different depending on whether the house is in your name, joint names of yourself and your daughter, daughter's name with you having a formal charge or daughter's name with nothing formal, and while you will have legal options in each of those case the options and risks are different for each of them. 

It does sound as though her husband is not aware of the situation and that your daughter may be struggling, perhaps try to speak to her when he isn't around, explain that you are struggling financially and can't afford for her to not pay - if the reality is is that that means that your  mortgage won't get paid and your house risks being repossessed then maybe be explicitly clear about that, so she understands that this is not just you being demanding or unsympathetic. Unfortunately if the mortgage against your house and in your name then simply not paying and letting the house be repossessed isn't an option (if it was a mortgage against her home then 

On a practical level, it may be worth also taking financial advice, to see whether there are any other options for you - for instance, whether you could switch your mortgage to an interest only one for a while while you try to sort out the situation with your daughter, or even look at equity release which might enable you to stay in your home.

Do aslo check whether you have any entitlement to benefits to boost your income.

sheramber

can you clarify?

You  have a mortgage to pay on your house?

You took money out of the house value to help you daughter buy her house. 

Does she have a mortgage on her house?

Are you on that mortgage?  

Are you on the title deeds of the house?

What was the statement you signed for the bank?