Money Moral Dilemma: Should I take legal action against my daughter?

MikeJXE

Bonnypitlad said:

There’s lots of good advice in previous posts, hopefully you have some form of formal agreement, or records of previous regular repayments .
Speak to your daughter again giving her the opportunity to restart payments before informing her husband, if neither cooperate your only option is to take legal action.
Your relationship will have broken down but you are not at fault 
I hope you have a successful resolution 

No one is at fault they are both at fault, it takes two to tango

I wouldn't be discussing it with her husband either 

My priority would be family in agreement even if she won't pay 

Right or wrong support the family and it's better if she comes round and starts paying again.

Take her to court ? 

Never 

That would be the end and no going back

MalMonroe

You said - 

" she'll never speak to me again."  But she's not speaking to you now, from what you say.

I always think it's really sad when family members fall out and stop speaking. Life's too short. I have one daughter and we argue and say what we think and I just think that's how some families (most?) are. We never ever fall out and stop speaking. You helped to bring that person into the world, she can't turn her back on you! Don't let her.

Lending anyone money is always fraught with problems. And I always think that if I lend someone money, I should be prepared to never see it again.

However, in your case it was obviously a really large amount that you couldn't really afford to spare and I think that you should approach your daughter by whatever method is best for you - but you have to start talking. Just because you've had an argument doesn't mean that she doesn't owe you anything. I'd want to know exactly why she stopped paying. Even if she doesn't want to speak to you, she still owes you a big chunk of money.

As for whether her husband knows or not - she may or may not have told him, you can't possibly know. But if she hasn't told him, what way is that to start a marriage? Lying by omission from the outset. He needs to know really. It's not for you to tell him but if he doesn't know already she has to tell him. What's the big secret anyway? How does he think she got the money?

If they are earning good money between them, then there's really no good reason why your daughter can't take out a loan and pay you back the money she owes you, instead of just paying you on a very informal basis - as and when - or, as now, never.

Do get in touch with her, she's your daughter. And tell her that you're struggling and can't manage without her repaying the money, as she promised to do. 

Take legal action? Against your own daughter? Never, ever, ever, ever. Never. No.

keithyno.1

Yes, take whatever legal action against her is necessary to get her to repay the money back to you as per the original agreement. A debt is a debt, full stop. Why should you be financially worse off when your daughter’s taken absolute advantage of your generosity in a most dishonourable fashion? 

As for whether it will cause problems in her marriage, well she should have thought about that before she took this disgraceful course of action. For good measure, if you’ve previously made a will and she’s a beneficiary, have another one drawn up and write her out of it. She’s not deserving of you.

ripongrammargirl

Never a borrower nor lender be, especially with family and friends, but what a horrible “trick” to pull on you when you have done nothing but help her. Regardless of whether you fell out or not she should never have stopped paying you as that’s just not on. I bet the husband doesn’t know about any of this so I would consider speaking to him in the first instance if things are strained with your daughter, but it is definitely in both of your interests to sort this disagreement before things get ugly regarding money.
I really hope you have all this in writing as a contract for the loan, repayments made and your name on the mortgage documents, otherwise, according to many Judge Rinder cases I have watched, you won’t get anything as it’s often seen as a gift between relatives with no legal intention  of taking the defaulter to court if payments should cease. Unfortunately that is the law according to the judge so please find that mortgage document or loan contract and get some legal advice (15-30 minutes are usually free).
I hope all goes well for you and you feel better soon. 

J63320

Eileenpamela said:

Are you sure you own 50% of your daughters’ property? When I was needed to help my daughter to get a mortgage to buy her house, she could not get a mortgage if I had any portion of it, I had to prove the money I was letting her have would be a “gift”. You may have had an agreement with your daughter to pay you back independent of the property, but that doesn’t give you any rights in the property. This is just so sad, and taking legal action just wastes more money on legal fees for both parties, as there could be a dubious agreement, against the terms of your daughter’s mortgage.  Your daughter is being very shortsighted as you are less likely to leave her money from your estate. Good luck

So has the daughter in the MMD told their mortgage lender that the money from the mother was a gift when it was actually a loan? Wouldn’t that be mortgage fraud?

donny_jim

As hwbt2020 states, if you gifted your daughter the money, then you would lose if you took her to court. So all you can do is hope she changes her mind. If however you are on the mortgage, that is a different matter. Without knowing the full details, your question is hard to answer.Have you thought about equity release, I don’t personally like them but if you are struggling then it could be an option. You could also change your will, leaving her out. At the end of the day only you can decide.

All_Ears

Oh dear. You seem to have created your own dilemma by not formalising the agreement. I know that sounds harsh, because she is your daughter, but she need to learn that money matters are serious; which, in this case, she seems to be taking advantage of you for not formalising the agreement in (cue Martin Lewis loud voice here) IN WRITING. If she then stopped payments, she would also realise the consequences of breaking that technically legal agreement that you had (and would have been made clearer with witnessed signatures). As it is, it only appears to be a 'ladies agreement' and she could argue that it was not a loan. Incidentally, did this loan have any interest added to it? If so, then this strengthens your case that it was a loan and not, say, a gift. While you may not be talking to her, I think one way forward is to write her a letter outlining how you feel and how it is affecting your lifestyle. Perhaps the mildest of hints that, at this rate, there will be little or no inheritance for you to pass onto her or any grandchildren. If this fails with her heartstrings then maybe a letter from a solicitor may bring her to her senses that you really do mean business. If that fails then, yes, sue her.

MikeJXE

OH dear a special thread to drum up what ? 

You seem to have decided it's a big deal

Mother/father falling out with daughter is an everyday happening somewhere 

She has been paying for 4 years and only recently stopped because of a fallout that could blow over tomorrow 

We don't know how much

Give them chance 

Once you go down the route of solicitors and the courts it's over and no going back 

Any children they might have you won't see, is that what you want ? 

If you pass don't you want her to come and pay her respects 

Surely family means more to you than money 

My sons never spoke for 4 years, I the father never got involved now they are inseparable 

FreedomBringsPeace

You have basically helped your daughter deceive her new husband into thinking she was better off than she was. 

Send a text to your daughter advising of how much she owes and remind her of the agreement i. e. £500 pcm and that she hasnt paid since. X date/month and that the money needs to be paid going forward.

Give her a date to pay by

Shebear

Oh dear, how sad that your relationship is so strained. I would want to approach her and tell her you love her and want a good relationship with her, but that you are suffering because she is not paying back what she owes. I suspect that going through the courts would be very damaging to your relationship, as well as financially crippling, and that the best way to tackle it is to try to repair the relationship so that she restarts paying. I think it is all about communication. I would also be praying for her and for the situation, for restoration of the relationship. Miracles do happen. All the best to you.