Money Moral Dilemma: Should I take legal action against my daughter?

jenniewb

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Four years ago I remortgaged my cottage to help my daughter buy a house, and since then she's been paying me back in monthly instalments. But after her recent wedding we fell out, and she's stopped repaying me. I'm not well and live on a low income, and have started to think the only way to get my money back is to take legal action. Yet her husband has no idea I bought half the house, and I worry that if I do take legal action I'll cause problems in their marriage and she'll never speak to me again. But why should I struggle when they have a decent joint-income?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

As a last resort, but not without trying as much as you can to explain to your daughter that you need the money, that you are worried about creating tensions by asking, but that you are in a position where you feel you have no choice. Fact is she's already not speaking to you- at least "not speaking" by paying back what she agreed to. That's not just an oversight, no one forgets that sort of agreement. If she can't be honest enough to pay her side of the bargain, maybe marriage issues caused by you are the least of her concerns if you can't make any headway yourself asking nicely or being open and honest.

I'd start with trying to make a phone call, sound out the ground, check she has the time and capacity to talk. If not your next step would be a written letter. Kind but fair, and honest. Be as open as you can be if you want her to understand rather than not assume it is all about her. And if she refuses to communicate further, then you've done your best to ask and made your warning clear, you are boxed in, she would understand your aims. If she can't be nice then it's clear that never talking to you has already happened, so there's nothing really for you to fear on that scope. 

Cambsmum

How sad that money has soured your relationship. Perhaps you set that aside and make bridges. She must be very hurt over something to put you in this position. Perhaps a relationship counsellor or a trusted family friend could help you rebuilt that relationship and then sort out the money

BethP

I fear that unless you put a signed contract in place between you and your daughter, then you have no basis to recover your money through the courts.  Remortgaging your own property to help her was incredibly generous of you.  Maybe go see her, and her husband, and ask for monthly repayments to recommence.  I loaned my daughter £10,000 but she only repaid £7,000. I failed to put a contract in place. Lesson learned

pollypenny

Doesn't your daughter realise that you are now in financial trouble?   Make her aware of this - nicely - before a gentle reminder of how you helped her. 

elsien

gem007 said:

The last thing any Mother would want to do is to well and truly close down their relationship with their child over money.
 In the grand scheme of things is a polymer worth that sacrifice!? 

Yes, we all need money to survive, but it is only plastic, and we are only visitors of this planet for a very short time.
Try and try again to talk to your Daughter, if that fails talk to her Husband. Don’t let legal proceedings totally jeopardise your relationship because no amount of money could ever buy that back again.

This does rather seem to suggest that the onus is all on the mother, and none on the daughter.
And it’s all very well saying it’s only plastic when you have enough of said plastic to get by. It’s slightly different when you’re struggling and it’s impacting on your health.
 Of course no one wants to see such close relatives fall out, including the mother in question I’m sure. But the daughter has to bear her share of responsibility for things going pear-shaped because she’s reneged on their agreement.
There isn’t enough information here about anything for anyone to really be able to offer anything in the way of advice.

Having said that, the poster could maybe consider mediation or if there’s someone that they both trust who can start to build bridges between them and get them back on track. Which depending on how serious the falling out was and what it was about, which we just don’t know.

Bougainvillea

If you have health problems, do check for possible benefits. If over 66 years of age you may be able to claim Attendance Allowance. if under 66 then there is PIP. Age UK have an adviceline for benefits 0800 678 1602 or see https://www.entitledto.co.uk/
I hope you are able to find a solution to your situation

DitanicIce

If you are on a low income, in poor health and finding things difficult and they are on a good income, then yes, if that is what it takes.  However as previously suggested, write letters nicely at first and then firmer later if you don't get the result you are after.

1.  Write a nice letter to both of them separately (so her Husband is aware), outlining your situation.
2.  If no joy, ask them both formally (they are married, so joint liability)
3.  If still no joy, threaten legal action and to write them out of your Will
4.  If still no joy, take legal action against both if you can and action point 3.  This can always be reversed later if relations improve.

PJHL

Don’t act in haste.

 You’d be surprised how common a problem this is so you are not alone in needing help to patch up a relationship with a family member.

Don’t rush to solve your problem too quickly it’s not worth busting up a family relation by being badly prepared or ill informed.

Don’t rely on online sources of help such as this forum. It’s always better to sit down and talk things through with an expert adviser.

Seek advice from a variety of sources before you decide what to do

There are lots of sources of help that you can turn to. Including sources of free legal help should you decide that’s what you want to do.

Maybe start gathering information about the options available to you by seeking an appointment at your local Citizens Advice Bureau. Tell the your story, ask what kind of help is available local to you.

Before the appointment gather as much evidence as you can that proves you made a loan to your daughter, and that she has been repaying it.  Takes the evidence with you to your appointment.

Take notes at your meeting, ask the CAB adviser to send you a summary of the advice given to you.

Have a clear idea of what you want to achieve before the meeting e.g do you want to make-up with your daughter? Do you need the loan to be repaid as soon as possible?

Ask the CAB adviser about local sources of mediation,  a family mediator may help you to have a non threatening meeting with your daughter to explore possible solutions to the problem facing you.

If you wish to consult a solicitor the CAB ought to be able to provide a list of local solicitors with relevant experience. However, in my opinion consulting a solicitor ought to be your last resort.

In my opinion you ought not to go down the route of a no win no fees agreement with a solicitor. I know someone who entered into this kind of agreement, but tried to withdraw from it a week or so afterwards, and was charged all the solicitors fees for work done up to the point of withdrawal , substantial fees I might add.

If you are an elderly person you might find it helpful to call the We are Hourglass Advice line. They have lots of experience in the kind of issue you are facing. I think the advice line is open 24 hours a day and it’s free .080 8808 8141

honestcove

To add and probably repeat some of the sage advice.
The loan is presumably a fairly large amount and so taking legal action will be costly as you will need proper representation and that will be on top of the court fee which will be circa £500 for every £10k being claimed.
If you can resolve this amicably before legal proceeding then ensure any agreement to continue is documented in clear and unambiguous terms.
Possibly not mentioned before but might be worth bearing in mind tax. A substantive gift of capital is potentially liable to inheritance tax as it disposes of part of your estate. A loan isn’t so clearly setting out what the arrangement is has wider implications to you and others.
On this same subject - if you have got a will, make sure it’s up to date. If you haven’t, get one asap.

JayD

As so often with these dilemmas, there just isn't enough information!

Are you registered as joint owner of that property - or did you just lend your daughter half of the money needed?

Did you notarise the loan and repayments agreement in any way - even if it was just in emails or texts?

I can only guess the answer to both of the above questions is no, in which case you have no legal recourse anyway!

If no to the first question but yes to the second, then I can only advise as so many above and enter into discussions with your daughter first and then her husband, explaining how you need the money and, if no agreement can be reached, you will have no option but to take legal action.

However, I would also advise that legal action is both a painful, slow, disruptive, stressful and extremely expensive route to take. So it may be better for your finances, relationships and mental health to write if off if no settlement can be reached the personal way.

Sadly, it has long been said that parents should always treat loans to their children as gifts which just might be repaid - but unlikely to be.