Find the SecondStar and soar, and then straight on till the morning…

SecondStar

I got more of the chicken run wire done, but ran out of cable ties so it’s not finished yet.

My review went very well this afternoon, it was my favourite manager conducting it and we get along very well. He listened to my concerns apologised on their behalf, and made notes to brief the other managers. We went over my probation documents, which I have passed, and outlined plans for me to do some in-house training, as well as a craft skills audit of my extensive textiles capabilities which may be called upon. I left feeling heard and understood, and much more confident.

I returned a few decorating items which I’d bought cheaper elsewhere, and preemptively bought the wallpaper for the bedroom . If the bathroom goes well then it’ll attempt to paper the bedroom, if it doesn’t then I’ll return the bedroom paper!

I also picked up 2 dresses from the charity shop - a brown gingham in a big size which I’ve turned into a tiered ruffled skirt, and a blue and white striped cotton one with a pretty lace trim. Right now I’m wearing it with skirts layered over the top, but I may alter it into a skirt and top set to wear as separates. I want to make a few pairs of knee-length cotton bloomers to wear under my skirts and dresses, I just need to try some patterns first before cutting into my good fabric.

SecondStar

A good couple of days.

My partner and I had a lovely Sunday together, we nipped around the car boot until it was too windswept, went for lunch, and then went over to The Range. I got another couple of extra bedroom wallpaper rolls just in case, and a cute soap dispenser shaped like a daisy.

I showed my partner the kettle & toaster set I was thinking of getting - pink - and he remarked on how pink-oriented I’ve been lately. I explained that I had never really allowed myself to like pink, because it seemed too frivolous and feminine, and I had always wanted to distance myself from that. It’s only recently that I’ve felt comfortable enough to experiment with my tastes and outward expressions. I didn’t wear dresses outside of wedding or formal functions until my mid/late 20’s, and now I’m rarely in jeans. I’ve not dyed my hair for over a year(?), and have stopped obsessively plucking the greys out. I’m not hacking at it with the scissors every time I’m in a bad mood. I’m far more at peace with and accepting of myself. He got very emotional at this in the middle of The Range, bless him, and gave me a huge cuddle and said that of course I could get the pink kettle & toaster set if I wanted!

I inherited my current kettle & toaster when I moved out my the last house. My ex had chosen & bought them, and he bought new ones when we separated and so I kept these. I have never liked either of them since he brought them home, but they are both in working condition, and so it had seemed frivolous to replace them for aesthetic purposes. It’s the same with my flatware - it’s the set that I chose with my ex-husband for our wedding registry. They’re *fine*, and I don’t *mind* them, but they’re not something that I chose purely for myself.

It’s weighing up whether it’s mindless consumerism over changing tastes, and whether it’s ‘OK’, or ‘allowed’ to replace something which still works, just because you don’t like it all that much. Some little voice tells me ‘it’s a waste of money’, ‘it’s frivolous’, ‘it’s unnecessary’, ‘you could use that money for something else’, ‘you could be saving that money’, etc. The argument of ‘well, at least you’re not one of those people who changes all of their decor because it doesn’t match the season, or the colour scheme anymore’, feels like a flimsy shield. But then, there aren’t prizes for being the most frugal, or the most mindful. No one wins under capitalism after all, and as long as you’re conscious about your consumption, perhaps?

I didn’t get the kettle & toaster (yet), because I actually do have other things I need to spend my money on this month. But I think I will get them, or a similar set, in the future.



Today I wallpapered the bathroom! It took about 3 hours, and I was so nervous I had to take an anti anxiety tablet first.


My head was full of voices. My mum saying that wallpapering was too hard, and too messy, and she had never felt the need to use it, so why should I? My frugal mouse voice saying that the paper I chose was just *so* expensive (it wasn’t really, and it was on sale too), what if I mess it up and it gets ruined? Other voices asking who do I think I am? why do I think I can do this, when I clearly can’t? Lots of weird worries about being judged or criticised, which is a wild thing to be worried about,p as I never have visitors, so who would be judging my bathroom wallpaper?!

Anyway, with shaking hands and full of nerves, I pressed on. And it looks bloody marvellous! It’s a bit crooked in places, it sort of has a pattern but not quite, so it looks a bit off if you look closely. Some of the corners ripped, and some of the cuts are off a bit. But it’s up, and I did it all myself! Papering around the pedestal sink and pipes was hard, and I’ll be pleased to not do that again. I think I’ve learnt enough to try and paper the bedroom next - it has no curves, just more corners involved.

I still want to replace the lino in the bathroom, and have got a few samples to pick from. The supplier will fit it for £55, or I can try and do it myself. £55 seems quite reasonable tbh, so I may take them up on that offer.

4 more days of work, and then a week off! Hoping to get the bathroom finished with new floor, and the bedroom decorated too.

Chicken run still needs the wire finishing, and I feel guilty about it, but the weather has been bloody awful. Still on the list.

weenancyinAmerica

Good job doing the bathroom by yourself. As you say, on to the bedroom next. I painted my office by myself - it felt so good to have done something myself. I can understand how you feel. 

SecondStar

Finished the chicken wire yesterday, got the run pegged into position, and moved the girls in. They’re enjoying all the new space, and it’s lovely to be able to see them from the window again. I am still a little miffed that the run didn’t fit where it was meant to, so will need to go back to the drawing board with that area.

2 more days of work until my week off! My new glasses should have arrived at specsavers today, so I’ll go over after lunch to pick the, up. I’ll also grab some ancillary decorating bits from the discount shop - they do caulk etc., for £2 rather than the £5+ that B&Q charge!

The plan for the bedroom is to delineate between the bed area and the rest of the room, to create a cosy sleeping space. The whole room will have a picture rail put up, with the body of the room having a pale pink ceiling extending down to the picture rail, and then a pink and green patterned wallpaper below. The bed nook will have a green ceiling down to the picture rail, and then beadboard wallpaper put up and painted in the same green shade for continuity. I’ll also add a trim to the plain skinny 80’s skirting board, so it’s more in keeping with the rest of the house. The bed nook has the window in it, which will also get trimmed and the windowsill painted green to match. The other woodwork, trims, and doors will be the same pink as the ceiling.

Need to do the prep work first, which is my least favourite, have to scrape out and fill a crack in the ceiling, then sand and prime all the woodwork before any of the fun painting can begin. I know that it’s necessary, but it’s sooooo boring!

lucielle

Well done you for all your diy challenges. I am in awe!
L

SecondStar

I’ve had a little bit of a realisation lately. The online spaces where I spend the most time are mostly full of people asking questions. Not questions to learn things, but questions for advice, for opinions, to be told if they’re right or wrong, if people agree or disagree with them.

We can learn a lot from asking questions from people who know more than we do about a certain subject, but the questions being asked seem to be more rooted in needing support, approval, or validation.

These things are vital sometimes - when we need to hear the voices of our nearest and dearest upholding us and our choices; or to have an impartial party reassure you that you’re not crazy, when you’re being made to think that you are - but for the most part it is an essential skill to learn to make up our own minds. To pick our own routes, to make our own choices; to problem solve on our own, and to *make mistakes*.

I see this a lot reflected in myself - this soul-deep fear of making mistakes, and so I stutter and question and outsource my decision making, because other people must know better than I do, because…??

If we don’t develop the ability to trust ourselves, and to know our own minds and our own tastes, then we will never be living our own authentic lives. We will always be comparing ourselves to others, and always coming up short and dissatisfied. And that includes making mistakes! It includes impulsively painting your bathroom blue, realising halfway through that you don’t like it but ploughing on anyway, hating it for a year, and then finally redecorating it again; and realising that none of it really matters! Realising that no one is judging you for changing your mind, that you don’t loose points, or really have any major consequences whatsoever.

I realised that scrolling through pages and pages of wittering, worried questions from people desperately wanting to be told that they’re doing life right, wasn’t doing me any good. So I’ve removed those online spaces from my commonly used devices, and I’m taking a bit of a break to see how it helps my own head.

Sarahwithlove

Could you find ways to earn the money for the kettle and toaster so you don't feel so bad about the frivolous purchase 

KajiKita

I have a policy that things I touch or interact with a lot - door handles, plates, cutlery, underwear, things in my bedroom etc. have to be aesthetically appealing to me or pleasant to use. 

I also have a fairly brutal policy with presents. If I don’t like them, they are ‘oot the door’ as soon as I get them! Why would I allow something disappointing and ugly to live in my space 🤷‍♀️

It’s taken me a very long time to get to these positions though. 

KK

SecondStar

KajiKita said:

I have a policy that things I touch or interact with a lot - door handles, plates, cutlery, underwear, things in my bedroom etc. have to be aesthetically appealing to me or pleasant to use. 

I also have a fairly brutal policy with presents. If I don’t like them, they are ‘oot the door’ as soon as I get them! Why would I allow something disappointing and ugly to live in my space 🤷‍♀️

It’s taken me a very long time to get to these positions though. 

KK

Thank you for the insight @KajiKita !

I have the same outlook on presents, but I struggle to assign that outlook to replacing things I already own, but have never liked or found comfortable to use x especially if they’re ‘useful / using’ things.

So if I think one of my cushions or pictures or ornaments is ugly, I don’t mind giving it away or donating it. But if it’s something like a kettle, a toaster, or a mixing bowl, and it still ‘works’ then it feels frivolous - even if I don’t like it.

For example, I have a set of 3 cheap plastic mixing bowls that I bought about 14 years ago from Poundland or somewhere similar. I’ve never *liked* them, but I needed mixing bowls and I didn’t have much money. Again, they still ‘work’, and they’re *fine*, but they don’t spark joy the way that a set that I find pretty would.

I think I find it hard to justify that idea that I am worthy of having nice things? Not necessarily high-end luxury brand things, but things which I personally find nice?

May I ask your reasoning behind your outlook KK, and how you reached that outlook?

KajiKita

I think it's because I came to realise that every single one of these interactions with things that 'didn't spark joy' (like your mixing bowls), zaps another little bit of my energy, mainly mentally but also, over time, physically. It's like a death by 1,000,000 teeny-tiny cuts.  

There are some things that 'bug me' more than others - the sharp ended door handles that dig into my arms or back were the first to go as I am clumsy and walk into them or catch myself on them a lot. (Mr KK 'gets' this now ) But there are other things that I might be able to 'persuade myself' to be neutral about e.g. the mixing bowls, as they are functional. But, and this is important, be super-aware of whether these things are actually fully functional. I once had a set of plastic mixing bowls, for similar reasons as you. But they weren't FULLY functional for me - they contained ingredients and I could mix in them etc BUT they weren't stable enough for me - I found that they tip when I put the big hand whisk in them or I would knock them by mistake (told you I am clumsy!  ;-) ) and slop ingredients. So, in the end the plastic bowls were replaced by Perspex ones (not beautiful, but neutral (they live in a cupboard 90% of the time, so being plain glass was fine) AND fully functional for me, not energy zapping any more) and the plastic ones made their way out into the garage, garden, various other places until they were worn out.

I would remind you as well to look at your own signature:
‘When you only have two pennies left in the world, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will sustain life, the flowers will give you a reason to live.’
Why should you go without beauty and comfort, especially in your own home and sanctuary?

You won't replace everything at once, but work your way through them slowly, going from the ones that cause you the greatest dis-ease (I suspect memory-triggering ones like the kettle and the toaster will be high on that list as it reactivates your ex-husbands presence in your life) and working through to the ones that cause you the least. Your quality of life will improve more than you would think could be possible.

KK