Diary of a 30-something idiot

foxandflowers

Hi everyone.

Still here, still poor, still in the same job. I've been ill for the last week, and its showing no signs of shifting. My mental health has been awful and last week I called in sick to work because I couldn't get out of bed without crying.

House move wise - draft contracts & tr1s are signed, enquiries have been answered on my part (I need to service the boiler at the end of the month) and i'm just waiting to hear back on enquires raised on my purchase, so that's exciting. I'm starting to believe we may actually be in for/around Christmas. 

I absolutely take on board this point by @ET22: I would see it as the debts being paid off but not being out of the woods yet. Yes, I agree. I think if fundamentally nothing changes, I could end up in trouble again. And I don't want that to happen. I've run and re-run my budget a few times for the new place, and I know its manageable, even with the annual price increase in bills. I've built in my savings, and I've built in some money for general spends which always creep up unexpectedly and have no place in my budget as they're not really regular enough to need their own category - like stamps! Which I maybe buy twice a year. Furniture is going to be from FB marketplace/upcycled. 

One of the things I miss most about having 'spare' money, is the food. I miss freshness, I miss fruit and fresh fish, and steak from the butchers, good quality bread, and fresh cream pastries from the bakery. I dream of living in a house with fresh flowers on the dining table, and a fridge full of fresh produce. We are subsisting off cheap pasta and bread. And it sucks.

I watched a really interesting documentary/video essay on YT the other day about the infantilisation of millenial women - all about how terms like girl dinner and girl math are based off the idea of "adulting" and how by not ever achieving "adulthood" as a fixed state, we are condemning ourselves to not take accountability of our adult lives. The term adulting arrived in 2008 on the internet, and that was when I officially became an adult, and in a way the whole "adulting" thing has haunted my decisions ever since. So that has really stuck with me. I suppose part of the journey towards debt freedom is taking accountability for all the terrible decisions I have made, as an adult human woman. 

Minifox has had her dyslexia assessment, and she scored as 'moderately dyslexic'. It rates on a scale of 1 (awful) to 9 (normal to high level of ability) in different topics such as reading, writing, vocabulary, understanding and filling missing gaps. Her teacher then showed me the scale, and the only thing below moderate was severe. Her vocab was a 5. Everything else was a 1 or 2. The vocabulary pulls her out of the severe category. I suppose that is because I have spoken to her like an adult for much of her life, and the reading we do together. She will need a lot of intervention. She also had cognitive reasoning tests done and scores lower than average across the board with those. I am so sad for her, but also so relieved that its being taken seriously before she reaches secondary school. 

Love, 
Fox.

Cherryfudge

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, made all the harder with concerns for Minifox. If it's any help to know, one of my children has dyslexia and wasn't diagnosed until young adulthood but a few years later has a Masters degree and a good job. The other side of dyslexia can be the strengths the person has, which is certainly what we see in our family. 

As you say, a timely diagnosis really helps, and reading and talking with her will give her a much stronger grounding. Only five levels means each level has to be quite wide, taking in a broad range of abilities, so that means she could be near another point on the scale - and if she did the test again, the score might not be identical. What it does is flag up where people need to be aware for her sake, and where she can benefit with help. I doubt it also says she's good at things, because it's looking for the difficulties, but the strengths will be there too. 

I hope things continue to go well with the house purchase, it would be great if you could be in by Christmas.

helensbiggestfan

Just chipping in to say try to not to worry too much about Mini Fox. (Although of course you will because that's what parents do, it's part of the job description) My son, now 38, has mild dyslexia and dyspraxia, (difficulties with fine motor skills and poor co-ordination). He also had weak organisational skills, difficulties in sequencing and some short term memory issues. He was diagnosed at around the age of 13.  

I eventually paid for him for a private test at the Dyslexia Institute because I was so frustrated both with him and the school who weren't terribly helpful.   He was bored, unhappy, frustrated and was becoming rude and disruptive.  I was worried that he was going to go off the rails so that's why I decided to pay for his tests because I sensed that there was an issue, but the school just assumed he was being difficult on purpose.  I knew he was intelligent but he just couldn't seem to function well at school.  He also found it difficult to socialise and make friends.  It got so bad that he began to develop stress related stomach problems and I had to do something.  I felt I was losing my boy.  He was becoming angry, bitter and morose and I knew trouble would lie ahead if we didn't act quickly.  

Paying for that test was the best thing I could have done, because not only did they determine his difficulties they also were able to assess his strengths.  They gave him an IQ test and it turned out that he was very bright indeed. I suspected as much because his conversational skills were off the chart and he was extremely knowledgeable across a whole range of subjects that he hadnt even studied at school. He was to all intents and purposes self taught.  

It turns out that because of his intelligence, helped by a near perfect photographic memory, he had learned to mask his dyslexia and his teachers just thought he was being lazy, disobedient and obnoxious.  

Once we had a diagnosis we were able to help and he quickly went from strength to strength. Going on to university and acquiring a whole range of skills.  He currently works as a highly qualified senior electrician working on large commercial projects.  

Tbh it was the dyspraxia that seemed to cause him more problems than the dyslexia.  His high IQ meant he could usually find a workaround for his academic work.  However, his lack of coordination meant he was incapable of acquiring any ball skills which ruled out most team sports which are often the bedrock of learning how to function as a team player, not  just in sport but also his school work. It destroyed his confidence and he became withdrawn and rather solitary.   It also meant that finding the right sports, hobbies and pastimes were problematic.  He would try something and then get frustrated because his lack of manual dexterity and poor co-ordination made life very difficult.  He could swim but that was about it.  

As a very young boy he developed a passion for photography, film making and computer games so we encouraged him to develop his skills along those lines. My husband taught him computer programming.   Then, around the time of his diagnosis I asked if he would like music lessons.  He settled for guitar lessons, taking to the instrument like a duck to water and quickly becoming very proficient.  It did wonders for his confidence.  He went from being a socially awkward lone wolf with hardly any real friends to suddenly being the popular cool guy in his class.  Then at 14 puberty kicked in and he grew 6 inches in six months.  Suddenly he was this tall (6ft 3") handsome guitar playing heart throb. Lol. 

He even became less clumsy, perhaps due to the surge in testosterone aiding further brain development and stronger neural pathways. I don't know, I'm no expert but that's what seemed to happen.   He also suddenly found he could run so finally he found a sport he could enjoy.  The guitar practice definitely  helped with his fine motor skills and manual dexterity.   

The good thing is that Mini Fox has been diagnosed early, a real plus.  Now you know the issues you can work with her and help her find her strengths.  She will probably have a lot of skills that you don't  even know about yet and which just need time to develop.  As Cherryfudge says Mini Fox may turn out to have been blessed with many gifts.  Nature or God (whichever you prefer) often has a way of compensating and many dyslexics turn out to be very gifted and accomplished individuals in later life.  

Good luck with the house.  Hope all goes smoothly. Hopefully you will be less stressed and your struggles will ease once you have settled into your new home.  

Purplelady65

It’s good that you have an official diagnosis as the right support can be put in place for your daughter. I have work colleagues who have dyslexia and who are in senior roles. I wouldn’t know they have dyslexia apart from they have told me and one has a statement about it on her auto signature so people can function very well in the workplace with the right support. 

I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling well this last week. Just eating bread and pasta can’t be good for your mood or physical health. Are there any food banks you could use or co op style places where you can get fresh food in return for a small payment? Have you factored good nutrition into your new budget as it’s important to eat a good balanced diet especially with your daughter still growing. I would be miserable if I couldn’t afford to eat well so I can understand you wanting to be able to afford decent food. 

helensbiggestfan

Mrs Fox. I have been thinking about your comments about your diet.  I agree a long term diet of cheap carbs won't be helping your physical health or your mental well-being.  Unfortunately it's food prices that seem to be suffering the worst from inflationary pressures. I think a lot of people are having to be more creative in their cooking, making substitutions and choosing cheaper alternatives than some of their old favourites.  

A few ideas for you to think about.......

Do you have a Lidl or Aldi near you. I still find them to be cheaper than the Big 4.  

  Some Lidls do a box of fresh veg for around £1.50, but if not then if you stick to seasonal veg such as root vegetables such as carrots, parsnips, turnips, swedes and then greens such as cabbage, leeks, sprouts then adding more veg into your diet should be doable.   Not very exciting perhaps but at least you would be getting fresh ingredients.  Any fruits need to be seasonal, so basically apples or pears, oranges should be coming into season around now. A trip to a local farm shop for a sack of potatoes might be good investment for you.  Packed with vitamin c and high in potassium potatoes are a much healthier starch than pasta, which has virtually no nutritional value.  And potatoes can be cooked in loads of different ways.  They are one of the most versatile foods out there.  

Our Lidl has an in store bakery.  No fresh cream cakes alas but really good breads, croissants etc.  

I know you specifically mentioned local butchers but I find Aldi do sell good meat and Lidl have even started selling grass fed beef.  The prices aren't too bad, especially if you can stretch the meat by adding pulses and vegetables.  Served with starches such as potatoes or rice to fill you up.  Fish seems to be more expensive than meat these days but frozen fish can be more reasonable. 

Have you ever tried making bread, it is really easy and cheap to make but obviously a bit time consuming but that's only because you have to allow time for "proving" (when the yeast does  it's thing)  so bread making is perfect for multi tasking because it doesnt require 100% of your attention. If Mr Fox is still mainly at home during the day he could easily fit baking bread around his other activities.  

I know you are moving so you won't be bothered starting a garden now but definitely something you can do next year.  Plant fruit trees and bushes, and grow some vegetables, salads etc.  in the meantime you could maybe try some sprouting seeds to add some "greens" into your diet,  they grow very quickly and can be grown on window cills. .  

I know what you mean about fresh flowers.  They are so nice to have in the house. If you have nothing in your garden can you go for a walk in the country and gather some greenery.  You can make lovely displays with just greenery, some twigs, pine cones, conkers. "Green" arrangements are very fashionable just now.  Another cheaper alternative to cut flowers are pot plants.  They often cost a similar price and of course they last much longer.  When you plant your new garden you can grow flowers for cutting.  

I can appreciate you are feeling low and somewhat depressed. It's been a long haul for you and you have been struggling for a long time.  You must be exhausted.  It sounds as if you are teetering on the edge of burn out.  But there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure your spirits will lift a little once you have cleared the debts and get your finances on a more stable footing.

Dont give up now, you are nearly there.  

helensbiggestfan

Just another quick thought re Mini Fox and something which might also help you.  There is an excellent book called "Late Bloomers" by Rich Karlgaard.  You can get it second hand on Amazon. Well worth reading, explaining the damaging effects of our obsession with early academic success.  

Sometimes all a person needs is a little more time.  We also need to remember that square pegs don't fit into round holes.

Dyslexia, dyspraxia and, in my case, discalculia (problems with numbers) are not illnesses or flaws, it just means we think differently and we are often late bloomers.  

Karonher

Sorry if this is just digging up old issues but would now be a time to set up a new budget that just covers the normal household bills? Any extras that anyone else wants - apart from Minifox as she is too young, and you as you are bringing in the money- need to be funded by the person requiring them?

foxandflowers

Thanks for all your lovely comments re: Mini Fox. 

I feel a bit better about things than I did. It's not the end of the world for Mini Fox. The teacher said she must be doing incredibly well to have got this far, especially on her one to one reading sessions. There are so many more resources nowadays for a dyslexic child than when I was growing up. She is creative, and loves to draw and build things with her legos. She wants to work with animals when she grows up in a rescue/sanctuary environment. I will focus on the positives. 

Our van has been off-road for the last six weeks. I couldn't afford to fix it, so we traded it in yesterday for a caddy van instead. No cheaper in terms of tax/insurance but at least it starts and stops me spending £60 on trains every weekend. New caddy is in the garage already (insert eye roll emoji) as we drove it yesterday and it started spewing oil and smoking. Luckily it is under warranty, so hopefully nothing major wrong. I'm so tired of things going wrong. The green van broke down 35 minutes after leaving our house. I didn't think it would make the journey to Cheshire, but the garage was insistent on having a driver instead of hiring a tow truck. 

The plan is once the caddy is driveable again (!!!!) we can do the tip run / clothing bank run / hit up Lidl's for their veg boxes. I miss being able to go to Lidl but it isn't feasible on the bus. I've been trying to do Asda orders, but it never quite works out for me as the meat tends to be short-dated, or the veg is already going off when it arrives. I hate throwing food out. 

Made a family favourite dessert on Wednesday - strawberry jelly, custard, strawberry angel delight & whipped cream. Like a splodgy trifle. 

When we move I've allocated an extra £100 a month to the food budget. As there are only 3 of us living here now, the budget is a lot lower, but I think it may be bordering on too low at present. 17 days until payday. I have been poorly for the past week, and it's either my diet or the stress. I think I ought to do a week of clean eating and see if I can reset myself, but we just haven't got the money for it right now. Anything I eat makes me feel sick. 

I've asked work for a referral to Occupational Health, because I am very down and it is affecting my productivity a bit and I don't want them to think I just can't be bothered. I am trying, but I am just tired.

New house the budget roughly looks like:
£425 savings : £200 PBs for emergency fund, £100 Holidays, £75 Vehicle Fund, £50 Gifts
£100 budget per child under 18 for Christmas/Birthdays = £600 a year, or £50 a month.
£200 monthly "emergency fund" savings = £2,400 a year. Goal is 10k EF. 
£75 monthly 'vehicle fund' = £900 a year. £625 a year annual insurance, £200 service, £75 MOT.
£100 monthly 'holidays' = £1200 a year, one annual UK camping trip, tri-annual abroad trip ideally. 

£440 bills : council tax, water, gas & electric, internet, mobiles x3, van insurance, dvla, home insurance, monzo max.
council tax is band A. hurrah. gas & elec is currently on a meter, that needs to be changed to direct debit. mobiles will be a max of £15 each as handsets will be paid off. monzo max covers railcard, travel insurance, breakdown cover, and phone insurance for whole family, and is cheaper than getting rac separately! 

£350 variables : clothes, eating out, general spends, personal care, subscriptions, vaping.
maybe i could lower this... but the eating out is a monthly thing that we a) end up doing anyway when it's not budgeted for via getting takeaways and b) anything leftover in this category is going to be put into the emergency fund. clothes will continue to be second hand except for mini fox's uniform, and things like underwear and socks. vaping is down to £10 a week. 

£750 living costs : food, fuel, transport costs. 
variable again. anything leftover goes to savings. 

Total = £1965 a month. Income thanks to backpay is £2165 a month, so that leaves me £200 a month as a cushion, but I ought to have a solid emergency fund to cover any major mishaps, and then the monthly that is unaccounted for can cover any minor ones. At least, that is the plan. 

Sarahwithlove

Seems like a solid plan. How much does your current plan differ as seems like you are struggling at the moment to make ends meet. Is there anywhere you could cut back now? 

Bluegreen143

Looks ok to me. I would probably increase gifts on the premise that you’ll buy gifts outwith the kids under 18 (even if just small ones) eg each other, the adult stepkids, gifts for mini fox to bring to parties etc, the odd time you get invited to a wedding or someone has a new baby or whatever… I would aim to build a little pot here to be realistic. Christmas usually has extra expenses like tree/decor, extra treats, teacher gifts, wrapping supplies/cards or whatever so again best to overestimate a bit. 

One thing I’m now implementing is a bit of a misc/contingency fund. So I’d maybe take your fixed/needs expenses (ie bills and living expenses are roughly £1,200) and have a cushion of £120. It’s there for unexpected small expenses or grocery overspends but it goes into your emergency fund if not spent. My aim is also to add 10% contingency to all holidays, Christmas and home projects because I find if my budget is so tight and I overspend, it feels really rubbish.