A Better Life.

warby68

Oh Buffy, something has to give.

I'd get paper plates and ready meals etc for a few days - not ideal but needs must.

Some paid for domestic help - don't worry about the state of the house. Cleaners are double value because they get through much more than we do in any given time. 

Ask or really even tell mum to change bedtime so you can have enough rest to function. From experience bedtime carers come much earlier than this and she would have little choice.

You are so in danger of carer burnout - me and my mum have some tough decisions coming and discussions with various services do stress this risk. Mum has already had to accept some things being done my way rather than hers because after a few years I am now toughening up through necessity.

badmemory

Basically what they have said.  Why is her bedtime 11pm. Is it because it has always been at 11 or is there something she likes to watch on TV until then.  If it is the TV thing then get her set up with one in her bedroom.  Preferably one which turns itself to standby if nothing is done in an hour.  You'll probably find she is fast asleep before 10.10.  This is the stage where you have started having to be the parent, it isn't a nice change to have to make but it is needed.

liselle

Yes, the previous two replies say it all really.Except, I used to feel so guilty for not spending enough time with my Guinea pigs. I found a local farm with a Pets Corner and donated them.They’re so happy there and I can visit anytime.It was a huge weight off my mind, hard though it was to make the decision.
As others have said, it’s imperative that you carve out some time for yourself.
Thinking of you, Liselle x

beanielou

I am amazed that your mum stays up til 11!!
One weekend on & one weekend off (to see friends & have a life for you) seems good to me.
If you don't do this you will burn out & be of no use to anyone.  xx

Willowtree222

Nothing else to contribute that hasn't already been said. 
You will burn out if something doesn't give soon. 

Big hugs x

liselle

Yes indeed, just like the ‘plane analogy about getting your oxygen mask on first…..xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Thank you all so much XXX We have had the conversation a few times re bed times. She always says she will and then something happens, and Rosa you are correct, whilst when I point out something or breakdown - which has happened a couple of times now she does understand but in the day to day stuff she does forget. I mean tonight I feel ok, I saw my best mate yesterday and some work friends who are fab company for lunch today so I feel quite normal but at some points in the week I am so tired and lost I could cry. 

I have started to reorganise the kitchen to my liking which is good, Very simple dinners this week. I have made a point of coming downstairs in my nightie to show I am going to bed soon! 

XXXX

liselle

Oh Buffy you’ve solved it! Just get your nightie on earlier and earlier……xx

efes_shareholder

This brings back so many memories of when I looked after my mum in the final year of her life.

Its tough , its challenging and its also very very lonely at times - I was fortunate that I was able to work from home but the constant juggling and trying to manage everything left me pretty much exhausted by the end of the day.

It really is important that you make time for you , to escape reality and just to feel normal for a while.

Firstly I would suggest you take some pressure off yourself , whatever gets done , gets done , whatever doesn't is no biggie. 

Maybe take washing to the laundrette and have it service washed , get the slow cooker out over the weekend and pre cook some dinners so thats not another thing to do off an evening , have the groceries delivered , 

Maybe consider having a cleaner in for a few hours to do a sweep through the house and just get it back on track , once everything is clean and tidy its much easier to keep on top off then starting from the bottom - you dont have to make this a regular thing just one long session to make everything more manageable and generally more pleasant 

carers are used to going to homes where there are not adult children there to oversee these things and would have seen and experienced probably every domestic scenerio and untidiness etc 

Your rest right now is so important , when you are caring for another you really need the wind down time and a good nights sleep , If mums up watching TV I'd absolutely suggest a bedroom set , do continue to start your bedtime routine earlier so she can see that you are winding down , its difficult to switch off until you know that they are settled and safe but if she takes herself to bed , what is the worse that can happen?

milann

I’m pleased you’ve seen a friends. Would your mum be able to take herself to bed if you went first. I’d call her bluff for a few night and take yourself to your own room ready for bed and maybe listen out to see what happens. If she manages ok - start going to bed and leaving her up…..if she doesn’t give her the ultimatum of you helping her to bed before you go or paying for carers to put her to bed at whatever time they arrive. BUT YOU NEED TO GO TO BED BY whatever time as you’re working the following morning. Maybe allowing a later evening at weekend ? Not sure if it would work…..