Money Moral Dilemma: Is it fair for my parents to penalise me for not having children? 25 October 2022 at 6:09PM edited 25 October 2022 at 6:11PM in Deaths, funerals & probate 176 replies 93.4K views

elizabethhull

Chris_Jay said:

The OP (what does OP mean, anyway) hasn't mentioned the children's mother; is her brother a single parent? Unless I missed that bit.

OP = Official Poster

pixiebel81

elizabethhull said:

Chris_Jay said:

The OP (what does OP mean, anyway) hasn't mentioned the children's mother; is her brother a single parent? Unless I missed that bit.

OP = Official Poster

It's original poster

Mars28

It is unfair to penalise someone for not having children, but it's also unfair to criticize somebody for spreading their wealth in any way they see fit in their will. Some will pass it to their own children equally, others may decide their children have been given as much support as they need already and decide to give more to their grand children to help them pay for college/uni/first house/business start up etc. Others might just give it all to charity (the most needy?)

Katecooks

It's sad that inheritance often causes problems between siblings. My sister and I used to care for my parents alternate weekends. When my Mum died my husband and I moved in with my Dad to care for him which is a 24-hour a day exhausting job (he can't get as far as the toilet so uses a commode). My sister has completely turned her back on us and refuses to stay for even a couple of days a year to give us any respite, yet will eventually inherit half of the house we have maintained with our own money and 'saved' the estate nearly £2000 a month by keeping my Dad out of a care home. Such is life; my parents didn't know how little she'd care for them when they made their will,  but why does she expect to get a friendly reception from me when she arrives for a very rare visit?

Londonfirsttimer

That's completely different from how we are doing it in my family. My dad died a few years ago, and we sold a family property we thought of as "his". My mum split the money three ways between me, my brother and her. I paid my mortgage off, she bought a rental property, my brother had a larger property and mortgage than me so he paid some of his off with his share.

He has a wife and kids, I'm single. But my mum says she is leaving the rental to me with the residue to be split equally between me and my brother - so essentially I get more. She explained this was precisely because I'm single. My sister-in-law's parents are also relatively well off and she also has a child free older sibling. She can expect to inherit about the same as my brother.

Meanwhile I have made out my will in favour of my brother. So ultimately his kids get everything anyway - and from their uncle too! (Uncle's wife is an only child)

I should also mention I have MS and although I'm very fit and healthy, it's impossible to predict what my future care needs may be and how much that might cost. That's a factor in my mum's decision.

Katecooks

Pmatt said:

Perhaps your parents could either provide a specific amount of payment to all grandchildren and include similar relationships. They could then provide an equal share of the remainder between their own children and allow their direct dependants to decide how to disperse their remaining inheritance. This is always a potential issue where there is multiple issue on one side of the family and fewer on another side.

Perhaps they could, or perhaps they could do entirely what they want with their money - which is what they have done. 

REJP

Challenge their wishes and see how fast they decide you are money grabbing and change the Will to give the lot to your brother and children.  Their money, their right to distribute it as they wish.
As with most of these socalled dilemmas, not enough information given.  

REJP

kdevans said:

this happened to me - my mother left everything to my sister and her kids.  both me and my brother would receive nothing even if we had had kids after the will was written.  things like this  really splits families.  no good came to her though - she died soon after my mother so what goes around comes around.  I used to look after my mother (cleaning etc) my sister did nothing.  shows how much i was appreciated in the end.  hope they are both nice and warm where they are now!!

No need for the last sentence on this forum please.

Alphatauri

What about those who can’t have children rather than chose not to. It can rub in that you are infertile and so not viewed as equal to your sibling.

In my situation my parent was one of four and inherited 25% from their parents and also their Uncle, at that point they very clearly stated they did not believe in leaving inheritance to grandchildren. My parents wrote wills over 30 years ago which left their estate to each other then 1/3rd each to their children. They always treated us fairly but one parent died and the remaining parent has already gifted 25% to one brother and is proposing to change their will so, if they don’t need it, their remaining estate is split into 7ths with 1/7 to each of their children and 1/7 each to my brothers 4 children so 2 children receive just over 10% and one child and their family jointly receive 78%.  

Guess who are the ones looking after the parent? 

Katecooks

bananaroad158 said:

I feel your pain. When people diminish us because we don't have kids, it's hurtful. I imagine it's not even to do with money for you - it's about your worth as your parent's daughter and them making their decision to split the inheritance like this can appear as punishment for not "giving them grandchildren". The truth is that inheritance from parents is best split equitably between siblings. What they've done is unusual and hurtful. Thinking of you. Female, London 😥 X

I don't think it's anything to do with the daughter not 'giving them grandchildren' - they've provided for the four people they love most in their life. And I think it's definitely to do with money. I never diminish anyone for not having kids - on this overcrowded planet I think 'good for you' (and lucky you!)