Money Moral Dilemma: Is it fair for my parents to penalise me for not having children?

PeteKDevon

So many angles for debate here but having read all the responses up to 27th October 22 it seems to me that nobody has approached the topic suggesting. exploring what your  ' conversational relationship history'  about this type of subject is with your parents? Compassion to your feelings seems to have been ignored by most in the forum

To pre qualify anything in my post, I'd like to say ( as so many others here)  anyone, via their will, can choose to leave their assets, generally, to whomever they wish. It's evident you understand that ... that is the legal situation  

BUT 

if you have in the past had discussions with your parents  ( and also maybe your brother )  about your parents wills and this is causing you confusion or upset then of course you should ask them what their thinking is? They are your close family why shouldn't you approach any subject that is making you feel this way? This isn't greed , this dilemma is one that stems from needing to understand a family matter that you think is unfair, regardless of what others outside your family feel. 

To also consider and look at it another way, maybe your brother has already spoken to you parents and that's why they changed the will? Do you know that? Where wills are concerned 'influence' by beneficiaries isn't uncommon.  Again to qualify, you alone understand your relationship with your close family, nobody else. 

Some things to maybe consider before chatting.  All these things effect your decision, method and content with an approach 

1. is there a catalyst for this decision for them to change the will and what was in their previous will, do you know. 
2. Are the grandchildren new to the family, did this come out of the blue or discussed previously?  

3.  Ensure you clarify to them you understand that of course they can do what they wish in their will  so your conversation is merely to understand & not to get them to change their will. 

4. Ask yourself why they have told you this? 

There is no definitive answer to a dilemma like this but surely one of open discussion, I feel, within a family, has to be best for the overall relationship between you all.  Diplomacy will be your key, think out well the approach and guage the tones if you decide to approach.

Im afraid you do have to accept their final decision, just like people in the future will have to accept the decision in your will, it's clear you get that.    Well, apart from the ability to contest it in the future,  but of course if this will is written by a lawyer it's very unlikely to be a successful challenge in this particular situation. It common for grandchildren to be substantially included in their grandparents wills 

By the way my background is senior management in a division of a FTSE 100 company specialising in Wealth and Investment Management / Wills, Trusts & Probate.  My experience often took me down this dilemma route with Estate Planning amongst close family

Hope you find your answer and are able to rationally understand and accept the outcome  

TIGERSQUEEZE

This exact scenario happened in our family. As one of 3 children the inheritance was split so that 2 of us got more because we have children. As a group we realised that 1 of us was being penalised for not having children. We made a decision to talk to our parents about this. They kindly wanted their grandchildren to be left some money so we said those of us with children would do that out of our inheritance pots. They amended their will. 

As parents ourselves any money we have will be split equally between our 2 children.  It stops there. My daughter has children. My son does not…..yet. 

Pennylane

In my family somebody died and in her Will she specified that £100K she had in her name should be divided between her 2 adult children.  This was the first her husband knew about it and he was very upset that she specified this because he said he would have ensured that they were left well provided for anyway!  They will also get his entire estate when he dies which will be substantial.  It’s a funny old thing because that £100k was left to her by her mother to enjoy and she always thought her grandchildren were greedy and uncaring and that their mother spoiled them.  So what her Mother hoped would happen never did! 

SarahJT21

Caused a problem when my ex-laws did the same between my ex and his brother.  Brother was loaded with one child, ex had much less money and no children.  Both worked hard in relevant jobs.  Then the brother had another child it highlighted the nonsense terms of the will.  The ex had spoken to his parents about how he felt sidelined in the meantime and they made another will that split it in what was a fairer way.  Ex and his brother would inherit, but if either predeceased the parents, their share passed down to their children so neither family was 'ignored'.  Having said that, it is their money to do what they like with but totally unfair if another grandchild makes an appearance.....

silverwhistle

Doc_N said:

The reality is that it's all made up.

Possibly, but there have been enough people posting on here with experience of similar scenarios to show that it could be true.

Some people never receive inheritances, so we should all consider ourselves lucky if we do. I'm a pensioner and have never received an inheritance but suspect I might do soon. I'd rather have my mum.

sheramber

Would it make any difference if everybody agreed it was unfair?   What could you do about it?

Be thankful you have your parents alive and be thankful for anything you receive. Your parents could spend it all before they die or leave it to  a charity.

Your brother is not getting more than you. You are both getting the same share.

 Your parents think that is fair.

What his children get is not his.

annabanana82

I wonder if people of the same mindset as the OP also get annoyed that the siblings with grandchildren will also have more spent on them as a household at Christmas and Birthdays too? 

TIGERSQUEEZE

annabanana82 said:

I wonder if people of the same mindset as the OP also get annoyed that the siblings with grandchildren will also have more spent on them as a household at Christmas and Birthdays too? 

I don’t think this is relevant to the dilemma. 

JGB1955

I now realise how much easier our lives are in that we have 2 children, both of whom have 2 children.  I like even numbers.  Our 'estate' (well, a 4 bed detached house rather than an estate - but you know what I mean)  will be split 50/50 between our children.  We've already said that we're not leaving anything to the grandchildren - if their parents want to 'do' a DOV upon our death, that's up to them.  My own parents treated our children unfairly in life.  In death, my father's bequest to me ended up being 'varied' far more equitably than he would have ever considered.  Grandad '0', grandchildren '2', me '1'.  All happy.

JAParker

Hi,

I completely get why you’re feeling the way you do, and your post has definitely made me think about what my husband and I would do if we find ourselves in a similar position in the future. As it is, and I’m hoping that, even if it isn’t true, it might help you feel better about their decision, by doing it this way, you get exactly the same amount of inheritance as your brother. I agree, they could do it 50:50 and left your brother to split his if/as he wants to, but, in this day and age, they’re probably thinking how hard it is for youngsters to get on the housing ladder and wanting to help their grandchildren. One thing I do know for sure, as a parent, they would definitely never do anything to deliberately hurt you, or penalise you, however much it feels like it x