Getting the balance right

badmemory

Have you tried the usual unplug (as in turn off) & then turn on again.  Who would have thought 20 years go that this would be a thing!  Back then if something was broken it was actually broken.

elantan

badmemory said:

Have you tried the usual unplug (as in turn off) & then turn on again.  Who would have thought 20 years go that this would be a thing!  Back then if something was broken it was actually broken.

Yep tried that, I think it's the pixels or something ( look at me trying to pretend I know what I'm taking about) 

I'm not in a rush to replace it, hopefully it will last long enough for us to save up for a new one, we cant really complain weve had it for 10 years and got it second hand when it was 7 years old, the tv we had before it was over 20 years old so we havnt had to buy a tv for the living room for well ever I think, we have bought one for our bedroom from a dent place and one for the down stairs using all our nectar / work discount things, so over a 30 odd year period have spent about £500 on TV's. 

elantan

meant to say, spoke to Mr El about the alcohol budget plan, he has agreed to try, we have 16 days till we next get money, Mr El has said he is going to try and cut down and will drink for 12 days, so 12 days money given and we will try it out, my ideal would be of Mr El could be an occasional drinker but I dont see that happening, however, if I can even get him down to 2 or 3 days a week I really will count that as an excellent change for the better, anyway he is going for 6 days and we will take it from.there 

beanielou

Maybe pay off all your extra money from this month to the CC if you are paying interest on it? 

savingholmes

I think giving yourself pocket £ / adventure £ at least equal to his alcohol spends (if you can) might reduce the resentment... 
Good luck with balancing everything.

elantan

beanielou said:

Maybe pay off all your extra money from this month to the CC if you are paying interest on it? 

I nearly have, sadly even putting the whole amount to it wouldnt have meant it was paid off but i have managed to out enough to it that i wont have to pay any interest next month, which is a good start, wont be long till it is paid off thankfully, now to learn not to spend willy nilly on it again 😁

elantan

savingholmes said:

I think giving yourself pocket £ / adventure £ at least equal to his alcohol spends (if you can) might reduce the resentment... 
Good luck with balancing everything.

sadly whilst a great idea I dont think it would work in reality, I'm hoping that the 75 I have for adventures helps the resentment feelings. 

LadyWithAPlan

elantan said:

meant to say, spoke to Mr El about the alcohol budget plan, he has agreed to try, we have 16 days till we next get money, Mr El has said he is going to try and cut down and will drink for 12 days, so 12 days money given and we will try it out, my ideal would be of Mr El could be an occasional drinker but I dont see that happening, however, if I can even get him down to 2 or 3 days a week I really will count that as an excellent change for the better, anyway he is going for 6 days and we will take it from.there 

I am firstly sending you a virtual hug, you are managing to do so well with a hurt heart. I hope you don't mind my response but I saw you asking for suggestions.

Are you seeing a counsellor to help you process all this?   There are many support groups for families of addicted people. You are doing so well but you really need support watching someone you love drink like this. 

Your language such as  'if I can get him down to 2 or 3 days' -  I really wish you could, for you and him but you can't I am afraid, it's his choice and his decision, his life. It also wonderfully will be his choice if he quits.  I have friends who have turned alcoholism around and their lives and finances completely around but they have had  to be completely AA and NA. Obviously he needs to decrease slowly not stop suddenly as he can get serious withdrawals.

Important as budgeting and your next plan for your pensions is, I think it is inevitable you feel resentful cos of all your budgeting focus yet  £250-300/month going to his alcohol . The resentment is probably also wrapped up in worry and fear for him and anger.

Maybe have a listen to Dr John Deloney - he is a qualified US psychatrist  often in the Dave Ramsey shows and  he always talks with great compassion and sense from the heart - maybe some of these videos - not exactly the same situations -  will help give you guidance as I am not an expert - this one below is about the wife's resentful feelings and how resentment is poison.
https://youtu.be/zIq0yVRrEyM

On a female https://youtu.be/LLQsZTD96vA

and another - I googled and there are dozens as this is a major and common issue
https://youtu.be/DTTSxvZfMvs

I would suggest you equal his drinking budget to cover your counselling and your adventure treats. Is he going to a support group himself  as that could be  a step maybe you can ask as a return if you are OKing the £10 a day drinking budget.

Sorry if this seems very blunt but I have just lost a friend at 45 years of age through consistent alcohol abuse so organ failure, his memorial was so hard a week ago as even more difficult to face  facts came out so  I am angry and upset - he even got people to make him a last supper as he refused to let them take him to hospital, he was gone the next morning.

elantan

I don't mind blunt at all, in fact I appreciate it thank you. 

previously I did go to Alanon, it wasnt for me, I have done counselling before also and that wasnt for me either, I kindve had the same issue with both, my husbands drinking as you rightly say is his problem, i cant solve it for him and if i tried i would fail, he has to do that, i do have to try and organise finances etc around him, and yes i would totally love if he stopped or cut down, but my hope for him to cut down for two to three days a week is just that ... a hope. 

I have accepted that he will die young and have selfishly made some plans, things like light weight tents that I can carry up a hill with me, should I get a dog for safety? Mr El saw me looking at tents one day and remarked that's a 1 man tent we need atleast a 2 man, my reply was yes we do but i dont, to which he looked at me and i replied, well you will be dead or in a home with korsakoffs or something and I will be living my best life. We have discussed his deterioration and what may happen and how I plan to deal with it, he accepts that his choices are his choices and I will carry on with or without him ( preferably with), we are a very close couple that way, we dont keep secrets and we both like blunt truthful honesty with each other.

And I think that's part of the reason why counselling and Alanon didnt help, I'm a practical person, I found with Alanon the other people there were focussed on how bad their lives were and how the alcoholic in it affected them detrimentally ( some of the stories were horrific) there seemed innsome of the people an almost pleasure in self pity, I dont do self pity for extended periods, I have had far too a traumatic life for it. The counsellor kept trying to focus me on my feelings and yet struggled to understand my feelings as well. 

I have a brilliant life, I have a man that adores me, who does his utmost best for me every day in life and puts me first, sadly that man is an addict, his addiction does not define him, it is not the whole of him, just merely a part of him. I do get annoyed when he drinks constantly but i get annoyed for his health, it is hard watching someone you love kill themselves, but love him i do and whilst i hope he gets on top of his addiction i have accepted he will die far too young for his age and in great pain, i will do my best for him but i cant do it all. 

I am very aware that although to many my life may seem troubled and a burden I am also aware many people would love to be loved as well as I am. 

He tried AA himself and didnt like it, he is a very different type of drunk to the people in our local town that attend these meetings, Mr El would never drive drunk or hit me or be abusive to me and was finding going to the meetings upsetting as the other members talked about smashing cars into walls and battering their wives/kids so he stopped going, he went for counselling on and off for the last 15 years or so at one point was seeing a counsellor for over a year, that seemed to help a little bit but it didnt help him cut his drinking down. 

I wont be taking £300 for my adventure budget as that is a sure fire way of not being able to afford to retire, and retiring and going on adventures are too important to me 

We are both aware that he cant stop suddenly he knows he needs to cut down hence the reason he is going to try for 6 nights instead of 7 and maybe see how he can go with one less bottle of wine a week, but I am not holding my breath,  been there done that wore the t-shirt till it was done. He wants to give up, he has said so so many times but that's his journey not mine. 

I am lucky ( unlucky) in that my job deals with a lot of social issues and death, so I know roughly what to expect and how things will progress, clearly dealing with it on a personal matter is very different to dealing with things on a professional level, but I think it will help me. 

Cheery_Daff

Also sending big hugs, such a lot to deal with for you. I do sympathise - I think you know my previous partner also struggled with drinking, it's rotten to see someone close to you going through that. He too tried and hated AA, and didn't manage to quit or even cut down, even after being hospitalised with pancreatitis and nearly dying. When I finally left, he took himself off to hospital, and thank goodness they admitted him for a fortnight, and he did manage to stay off it for a couple of years - but then started again, and very sadly died of heart failure at the age of 31 😕

You do seem to have your head screwed on about the realities of what might happen, and what you can control. It's quite understandable that you'd be resentful about the money (I always was, and we were young and not even anywhere near retirement!) I also don't think it's selfish for you to make plans for yourself in the future either, and it's good that you can talk openly about that.

Sorry to hear you've never found anyway that's particularly helpful for you in dealing with it. I did get a lot of comfort from AlAnon myself, and stayed on for many years after that relationship ended, but you're right, so much depends on the people around you. My group had quite a few older women who'd been there a long time and who were very practical and wise, and were always less focused on moaning (although in my opinion they would have had plenty of reason to!) and more focused on living a good life despite their situation, and concentrating on the good things they have - like you say about being in such a loving and open relationship. It's always hard to listen to people who just list their woes (however understandable that is) rather than learning something - especially when that's what you're there for. 

Anyway, I'm rambling because it's 4.30am (I was woken up by a mouse running over a guitar 🙄😂😂) so I'll shut up now, but just wanted to send a virtual hug - I know you're practical and dealing well with the situation you're in, but a virtual hug every now and then hopefully won't do any harm 😊 (((((())))))))