The Mental Debt Struggle...

AntoMac

Sorry Keedie I’ve been a bit ‘absent’ from your diary lately. Got a few things going on making it hard for me to think constructively. Could there still be a case made for no longer having a car? I know you weighed it up before. Just thinking with the relatively low mileage there might be alternatives ways to get around when you need to? At least cutting back on the servicing based on mileage rather than length of time will help. Not sure how much your insurance and tax is? There’s always things to weigh up and no easy answers eh? 

Try and use your time being signed off to distress as much as you can. 

Can’t you pay in some of your penny challenge cash rather than get more tins? 

Don’t lose track of the very good financial progress you are continuing to make. 

Keedie

No worries or need to apologise @AntoMac, and I hope things settle for you very soon xx. I'm grateful for anyone that bothers to read my mental ramblings, let alone comment lol.

I have been tempted to give up the car I won't lie, it would make things a lot easier in terms of my finances and I think when I quit work, I'll most likely have to get rid of it, as it's a big expense and I don't really use it that often. I tend to either do silly short journeys that I can take my time and do by public transport or by walking at my own pace, or I do very long drives that leave me burnt out. I've been finding excuses to not drive to be honest, mainly because I have a manual car and sometimes it really hurts to drive. I really need an automatic.

Hopefully my licence will get renewed as it's currently for a year with the medical restriction because of the bipolar, and expires mid-January 2024, and that will be a big deciding factor in driving next year anyway. And I don't know if being signed off for all of these months will affect the renewal assessment in a few month's time...

In terms of the penny challenge, I need to use a reusable tin, as the ones I have require a can opener, which is great and all in terms of temptation, but I don't dip into the money jar that I currently have that is easy access. So I could bank what I have so far, and move the £2 coins into a sealed pot as that is a very slow burner and is to pay for a holiday to Jamaica in 2026. It does make more sense to use the digital counting jar that my sister and her husband gave me for Christmas, to house the penny challenge as that will be constantly added to and banked. I think because I've been getting the tins in Poundland, I've not considered that it's probably a false economy to keep getting them. Eventually, I'll have two reusable ones.

I'm looking forward to going to Metro Bank and paying in my coins, as their machine is rather slick and they're open 7 days a week which is nice.

Keedie

I paid my coins into Metro Bank and had £178.39 banked, which means I seem to have either initially miscalculated or I lost £0.55 in the machine. The slot at the bottom for ejected coins had a hole and no tray, so I'm assuming it's the latter. But I only worked out that the total was short when I got home. Oh well.

I've put the money in my holiday fund, so that now has £279.75/£700 saved and so it's 39.96% to target. My Chase round-up account currently has £171.55 in there collecting 5% interest and when that pot matures in '77 days' according to the app, the money will go into my holiday fund, and by then it should hopefully have £175.

But as it stands, the actual overall figure for the holiday fund is £451.30 (£279.75 pot money and £171.55 round-up money), so it's actually 64.47% saved, but I don't want to count the round-up money as I've not received it and if I manage to reach my target without it, then I'll put the round-up money in the Noose PAD Pot towards my MBNA balance at the end of July 2023.

I wrote an email to my director and manager to let them know that the fit note has been extended to 5 June 2023. And I've officially requested to cancel my parental leave after speaking with ACAS (thanks @LittleMissDetermined for that advice), as I realised that I would have to give 28 days notice for any changes to the parental leave dates/duration. As my fitness will not be reviewed until the end of May 2023, there wouldn't be enough time to make any amendments if needed, as the parental leave went up to 15 June 2023. I've also requested that my reduction in hours occurs when I actually return to work and not whilst I am on sick leave.

I am going to try and return to work on a phased basis from 6 June 2023, and I have asked for annual leave for 7 June 2023 and 12 June 2023 as my son has two exams on those dates and will need me to get him between exam centres. The other exams are all in the morning and they give them breakfast at the college from 8am, so I will be back home to start my shorter days. 

I've been very overwhelmed trying to do college applications and it's kinda stressful, so I've been doing one every few days and he's starting to have interviews scheduled in the exam period. I really dropped the ball on that one, as I should have done this before, as this would have allowed him to get them out of the way before the exams. He seems freaked out about everything and is just blindly following my lead, but I'm having impostor syndrome at the moment as I feel like I'm unsuccessfully trying to mimic a good organised mum and it's not going very well...

LittleMissDetermined

Don’t put any pressure on yourself to return to work my a set date, and definitely don’t suggest it to your employer.

Glad you spoke to ACAS, I hope they put your mind at rest and gave you some good advice. I’ve always found them to be great in the past if I’ve needed to check anything.

Try not to get too overwhelmed, I’m sure it will all work out. Sometimes I think our stress can be reciprocated by those around us so if you stay calm it may help your son x

beanielou

Agree, do not put pressure on yourself to return or to even suggest a potential return date.

AntoMac

I think it’s never a bad thing getting cash safely banked Keedie.
On your point of having imposter syndrome and not seeing yourself as an organised Mum. Sounds to me like you’re being far too unkind to yourself again. I’m sure nearly all of us are winging it to some degree or another. I know I am at times.

You are undoubtedly doing a brilliant job, in spite of all the challenges and hurdles you are constantly having to battle.
And what a great idea of LMD to speak to ACAS. As you say, this forum is brilliant for sharing ideas. Glad that worked well for you. 

LittleMissDetermined

I think AntoMac is right. I have imposter syndrome about being a good wife, good person in general and definitely when it comes to my job (and I’m a specialist in my field 😳 )

WelshmansDaughter

I've been reading your diary over the last few days after it was recommended to me. 
I just wanted to throw my two pennies in on a couple of things:
Have you considered joining a car share scheme? This would give you access to automatic cars in some areas. I am not sure how it would work given restrictions on your license though.
If your sleep quality is affected by pain you could try an alternating air mattress. I don't know what you can get supplied, I bought mine off amazon. They relieve pressure on your body. Might be something to add to your AWE list (an idea I have stolen)

LittleMissDetermined

Just popping in to see if you’re doing OK? I hope that you are x

Keedie

Hi everyone and sorry for being AWOL. This has been a tough week for me as I've not been feeling mentally well, I over did in my physio class and ended up having a fibro flare up and feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday was also the third anniversary for my dad since he passed away and it was my mum's birthday too, so a mixed emotional day. But today I am feeling a bit better. I went to the cemetery with my family and we had lunch together and just caught up with each other and it was really nice. I had a banging headache by the evening though, so I'm taking it easy this afternoon as this morning was all running around (alright hobbling with my crutches), dropping my son to maths and english tuition and then taking him and my nephew to a college open day. I'm pretty sore now so I'm lying down with my heated blanket.

Thank you all for checking in on me and for the support and advice, it really does help and is much appreciated. I'm quite touched that someone liked my diary enough to recommend it to you @WelshmansDaughter, and hopefully you won't be disappointed 😂.

I'm trying to deal with my imposter syndrome by having a list of things to do, so that I am not so overwhelmed but I've made the list of tasks more realistic. Some of them are as simple as taking the bins out or doing the dishes, so that I feel a bit more on top of things. I think my mental disintegration in the last few weeks and the burnout was a long time coming, but I've stopped feeling so frustrated with the fact that I am unwell and I am embracing all of the support available to me.

I did tell work that I might be able to come back in June, but told them a very long list of things and conditions that would need to be in place (on their part), and that I may not be ready, but we'll see. To be honest, it's not looking likely, although I would prefer to have the routine, as being idle is making the depression worse. I realised when I spoke with the Mental Health Practitioner, that my desire to get back to work was due to having a lack of purpose outside of work. As not working makes me feel untethered, but working in such a toxic environment makes it too difficult to function and the stress is debilitating. 

So we're working towards me having a routine and structure and to get back on my feet and have proper mechanisms in place so that I can recover. I've been referred to a Clubhouse that is a mental health service that is run by staff alongside service users, and you can take part in activities that encourage you to get out and about and get back into work, or pick up new skills. So I am going there in a couple of weeks for my induction and then I can take part in the activities when I am able to. I've also been referred to a social prescriber, which from my understanding is also to help me get involved in activities and services that aim to improve wellbeing and community and social interaction from what I can gather. 

I'm still not sleeping or eating very well, so we'll see what happens in terms of fit notes and returning to work, but the likelihood of it being in June is appearing slimmer by the day, especially as April ends next weekend...

On an academic front, my son seems to be a lot more motivated and he thanked me for taking him to tuition today and said he really enjoyed it! I was stunned but praised him for trying anyways. He said that he'd prefer to study a Level 2 BTEC in business, which is the same level as GCSEs but all focussed on the actual subject he's interested in. He's quite excited to go to college in September and he's applied to the same colleges as his friends, so hopefully he'll see one or two of them wherever he ends up. The applicants he has made (well me, as he didn't do them), are for Level 2 and Level 3 courses. The Level 2s are more realistic, but if he does better than anticipated, then he has Level 3s. So the next few weeks will be a round of interviews and more open days. 

Financially speaking, because the parental leave was cancelled, there's no drop in income and so the £500 that I had managed to save, I combined it with some other savings and my holiday fund is now fully funded. So I've booked our train tickets from Gatwick back to London and it was only £14.90 for the both us, which I think was a bargain! I just need to sort travel insurance as TUI emailed me to tell me that was a requirement of my travel, which kinda annoyed me as insurance is never cheap because of my pre-existing medical conditions. But I've skim read the MSE travel insurance guide for pre-existing medical conditions, so I'll see what I can find. The last time I went on holiday in April 2019, I was quoted nearly £450 for single trip cover which is ludicrous! Especially as we'd booked a Teletext holiday that was £150 each for a week half board in Spain. I wasn't impressed and I've not had travel insurance for years, but I need to sort something.