The Mental Debt Struggle...

WelshmansDaughter

That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. He is only 16 and has some difficulties that mean his journey might need to be non traditional. That list idea will help. There is also the option to make a list that covers all the things he could do if this path isn't for him. If he is set on business there are non traditional routes into that. There is volunteer work and part time work on the side etc etc

abaka

Just been catching up on everything.  So great to be up to date on your journey.

And as others have said here, you can only do what you've done.  So much of your diary has been about detailing sacrifices you've had to make for your sons well being and education....You can only do so much!!

Speaking of myself, I was never academic, I was a very lazy student and it took me 3 years of wasting my life between 16-19 before I got myself settled into an academic path.  At 16, I left school with 3 GCSE's, enrolled to do a GNVQ in Science which was equivalent to 4 GCSEs....I literally just applied for something to do and my mum was going on about having an option.

I failed miserable and didn't even attend past Xmas that year...and didn't tell my family until my "results" came out.  I ended up switching to do the same course this time in Computers and for a combination of personal out of control reasons and still being an immature kid...I messed up again, and failed the second half of that year (so one better than the previous year!)

Then 3 years after my "GCSE year" I resat the second half of that course and passed it, this allowed me to go do A-Levels and then do my degree....I have then went onto have 9 GCSE's or equivalents, 3 A-Levels, a degree and teaching qualification.  Whilst this was 3 wasted years in many ways....This was also 3 important years in my own development and transitioning from a kid to adult.  Every thing I've achieved in life I can credit to those 3 years.

My parents were like you, outlining all the reasons why I needed to work hard, doing what they could to support and push me, but that can only go so far.  So even if your son doesn't have his wake up moment until a while later, never think of it as wasted time.  Kids and their development can be complicated, one approach doesn't suit everybody and if there is a hint of intelligence, the penny will eventually drop.  Your son has shown signs and progress that perhaps he is somewhat getting their.

Sometimes, failing is the best motivation for success.

Keedie

Thank you all for your advice and pearls of wisdom (I think that's the correct saying???). Nonetheless, it really does help.

I think you're right @AntoMac, that some of my anxiety dreams are about things outside of my control and I do put a lot of pressure on the both us @WelshmansDaughter, which is something I am working on. I realised that some of the middle of the night panic was due to the fact that at his interview yesterday for one of the colleges, that we saw one of those toxic bullies from his old school and it freaked me out that he might go to this college that he's applied to. But I can't control where that kid goes and I can only encourage my son to make the right choices in terms of the company he keeps. He was a bit freaked out as well.

Thanks for the reminder of the list of things I can and cannot control @LittleMissDetermined, as I remember my therapist making me do this and it was really helpful. So I'm going to do this tomorrow. I think writing down middle of the night worries is a great idea @Makingabobor2, so thank you. I do need to learn to let go of my anxieties, as they're really not doing me any good.

Great to hear from you @abaka and to see you back on the forums! Your story has really settled something in me, so thank you very much. I think I've been trying to enforce my way of doing things on my son a bit too much, and I have a lot of anxieties about his future due to him being excluded and the struggles with his homeschooling. But I saw him today at the other open day we went to, for another college and he was calm, confident and weighing up his options, so I think he'll be just fine. He's got an interview next week for the college we visited today and he's really excited about it. I think going to open days is giving him the motivation to try harder. And since he has decided to do a Level 2 course instead of a Level 3 course, he's a lot happier. I think he needs to go through these hardships and uncertain times to build more resilience, and I'm probably not really helping him in the long run by always trying to 'rescue' or help him. And to be honest, I'm fairly burnt out by it all. So I've been taking more of a step back because I'm so tired, and as he's 16, he's quite ungrateful and entitled when the mood takes him.

I've got some face to face and online courses with the Recovery College for my NHS Trust starting from next week and I am really looking forward to it. I've also got that Clubhouse assessment. I'm trying to do things more for myself, as I spend a lot of my time and energy focussing on other people. It's quite an alien feeling, but I'm slowly starting to feel better for it, and for giving myself permission to put me first for a change.

As I've got my holiday sinking fund fully funded, and I am not taking unpaid parental leave, I can now start to pay some more towards my MBNA credit card, as the 0% runs out on 15 August 2023. I won't have cleared the balance by then, but I want to clear as much as I can, to reduce the amount that I need to balance or money transfer. 

I made 3 PADS today, with £10 to MBNA, £2 to the £2 challenge and £1.21 to the penny challenge. The money from my brother will now go straight to MBNA each week, plus whatever my sister repays. The balance is £2,2140 after today's payment and I'm hoping to get the balance to £1,500 by the time of transer.

AntoMac

That sounds a lot more positive Keedie
And what a great post about your own experience @abaka.
Reminds me that my wife only took her education seriously once we were married, and went on complete her A levels and Degree. So much depends on the mindset of the individual themself.
Your son could still well pass his exams of course but if he doesn’t it’s all life experience and life lessons for him. 

badmemory

I don't know if this will help you to stop worrying, but my son was bullied at school but found once he got to sixth form college the problem ones had either not been accepted or had dropped out of education.

Keedie

I am feeling cautiously optimistic about everything as I'm trying to focus more on myself and easing my anxieties, and trying to equip him to deal with his own stuff. I think he'll start to come into his own from college onwards, and he'll probably chop and change things a bit, but he'll work it out himself. 

My friend told me yesterday that he also left school with 3 GCSEs and he went on to do his CIPD (HR Masters) without having gone to uni as he got through on work experience and an essay submission and he's now got a very senior role and is making a very good living. He told me that I need to let my son make his own mistakes, but he's a good kid and he'll find his way. And I do hope that his bullies don't end up in the same place as him, as he really does need a fresh start. 

My mum marked his history mock exam that she gave him and she said that he's getting there and she's proud of him and she'll let him know tomorrow when she helps him with his next topic. When we went to the open day yesterday, I told him that I didn't want to walk around to do the tour as I was tired, but really, I just needed him to do something independently, and it felt nice to sit in the cafeteria and read on my kindle instead of always being on the go.

I still couldn't sleep properly until it was around 3.30am, and today is another busy day, but I do feel better, even though I'm still really depressed overall. I definitely won't be in a position to return to work in just over a month.

But, I had a boost as my credit rating has improved slightly and my likelihood of getting a long term balance transfer is increasing as the months go by. So hopefully by December when I really need a transfer for my Barclaycard I'll be able to have a good deal in place. If I can swing a 24 month card on 0% interest it will make everything so much easier to handle.

I've got another open day this evening and I'm so I'm doing some laundry today and will start working on my May 2023 budget. 

LittleMissDetermined

Good news on the credit score improvement, I hope it continues  

I'm sure your son will find his feet, there are so many ways to get an education, whether academic or a more vocational route. My OH went back to Uni as a mature student when he was 33 and my sister is just doing a course for teaching in her 40s. Try not to fret too much. 

Don't let your employer make you feel pressured into returning to work too early, make sure it's the right time for you.
LMD x

vampirotoothus

Hi Keedie you mentioned that your salary is too high for your son to get help with his travel, but then mentioned that your hours will be reducing. Will this affect your pay and if it does will that help with the bursary? V x

beanielou

My DS is just finishing his teacher training now!
He dident get the grades he needed at school, went to college then uni & has a degree & a Masters .
Worked for a while &  then back to uni.
It does all work out in the end~~however that may be!
Some of the best people I know finished formal education after school as it was not for them!

Keedie

My mum went to uni in her mid-40s once my younger sister was nearing the end of primary school/early secondary school and she became a teacher. I think once he gets college out of the way, it might be in his interest to pause and work out his next steps from there. I do think the unconventional route often builds more character and people study because it's what they want to do instead of blindly following a path. He definitely needs something that is more practical/vocational than very academic.

I just need to know that he's mentally okay and able to move forward. The last year has been so stressful and I would not wish it on anyone. I feel utterly drained and I'm just holding out for our holiday.

Depending on the college he goes to @vampirotoothus he might get a bursary, as some have increased their threshold for the 2023/24 academic year onward in light of the cost of living crisis and they now take household expenses into account and not just income so we'll see. The college that he's really interested in, has an income threshold of £30,000 and I'm definitely below that, so he may qualify, but I earn over £21,000 so he won't get free college meals. He had free school meals since primary school, and as a teenager he eats a lot, so I'll have to save for that too. He said he wants to get a job so that he has his own money as well, so that will help.