The Mental Debt Struggle...

abaka

Great news on the place for your son!! 

Keedie

Hi everyone, thank you for support, it's much appreciated. Things are definitely looking up in terms of his education and prospects moving forward. He's had another conditional college offer for the college where he does his Elective Home Education programme. He's no desire to go there in September as he wants to draw a line under the sand, and he associates that college with home learning 🤷🏾‍♀️. But he has 3 options now, so I'm happy 🤗.

I went to the Clubhouse today and had an induction tour which the guy thankfully cut a bit short, as he could see me struggling with my stick, but I was glad to see that they have a good range of topics and classes to get involved with. I'm going to try and go one day a week to the wellbeing sessions and build up from there. It will help me to get out of the house and have something to do and to establish a routine. When I get back on track mentally, I'll be able to trial returning to work there, as they have 3 different job role areas that I can get involved in. Once I can do that 2-3 days a week, then I will be able to start getting things in place to go back to actual work. But I am going to be taking it very slowly. I was a bit delusional thinking I could possibly be back early June. I'm being much kinder to myself and taking my time to heal properly.

I paid my Sky Mobile bill today, so another £32.87 off the debt for the phones. I can't believe I spent that money on these handsets, but you live and learn 🤦🏾‍♀️😂.

I've also gone back to cash budgeting, and finally went to the cashpoint after my Clubhouse induction, and I got some coins in my change for the penny challenge and then my son came back with coins and asked me to transfer them to him. So I managed to put £8 in the £2 coin challenge and £0.75 in the penny challenge jar.

Keedie

It's been an interesting few days... I went to my bipolar group and had a lightbulb moment yesterday about my recovery and being creative and carving out a routine, and time for myself. I had great conversations with the people there that are becoming my friends, and they gave me such insightful advice on how to keep going, even when it's really tough and how to be kinder to myself.

It's always good to speak to people that understand your struggles, and people that are older than you and can advise your or give insight into how they navigate life. I no longer have a timeline at the back of my head about when I will be ready to go back to work. And in the conversations we had yesterday, it gave me more confidence to start to identify what recovery means for me. And one of my colleagues contacted me yesterday morning to see how I am doing, and he told me that there is nothing to rush back for, and when I'm well enough he'll clue me into what has been happening. But I get the sense that the toxic behaviours there have not gotten any better, and have probably escalated, and it's definitely safer to be off work and heal properly.

So I need to sit down and rework my budget again to remove as much, if not all, of my PIP from my monthly budget, so that I have that money to do things that will improve my wellbeing and to tick off more items on my AWE list. The PIP got sucked back into my budget, as I was overspending on food and take aways as I became unwell as I wasn't organised at all and unable to function properly. I've nearly balanced it a bit, so for next month I will be able to make some changes for July 2023. My May 2023 bills are covered from my April 2023 income, and bits of this month's income. I used to be on top of things and each month's pay covered the bills for the following month, but I got out of sync when I started emotionally spending... 🤦🏾‍♀️. 

As May is a 'magic month', I will get two PIP payments this month as there are 5 weeks in May and the first PIP was paid on 2 May. That will help me to get back on top of covering all of June's bills, and it'll be another tight month, but once I get money in June it'll make July 2023 easier. Especially as we'll be on holiday, so food shopping and transport etc will be lower in that month. 

But moving the stuff around for the credit cards has made me feel better, as did seeing this nil balance. I know the debt isn't gone and it's relocated to Barclaycard, but having one less creditor feels like a weight off my mind. So I guess that's something... 🤗.

Keedie

I forgot to say that my overall debt went up to £22,573.30 from £22,189.87 because of the transfer fees.

In my signature I've reduced MBNA to £875 from £3,000 as that is now marked as  repaid. I've also marked this as repaid and increased Barclaycard from £9,587.80 to £12,096.23 to take into account the increased balance. My repayment percentages overall are lower, but it's better now as I have less things to think about.

Keedie

Starting to get some more coins in my change and put £4 in the £2 challenge tin and updated my tracker. There's £140 in there now! Hopefully I'll fill up my tracker (that's worth £300) by the end of the year so I can wipe it clean and start again on 1 January 2024. 

I'm off to my friend's house this morning to help her with her budget, which is kinda strange, as no one ever listened to me before when I used to mention my finances. But now everyone sees me chipping away at my debt and getting a handle on my cash budgeting and they want my help. It's a nice feeling I must say.

Today's going to be busy, as I'm taking my son to the Imperial War Museum so that he can explain WW2 to me via their exhibitions as part of his revision as the exams start on 16 May 2023. I can't wait for them to be over. 

Keedie

Was a bit disappointed yesterday to get 4 x £2 coins in my change as I wanted to spend the money 😂. But I put it in my tin this morning. I have £148 in there now! I'm nearly halfway through my target of £300. Hopefully I'll achieve that before 31 December 2023, but if not, I'll just restart my tracker for 2024 anyways. 

I've not slept well at all and I feel quite weak and I'm in a lot of pain as I did too much yesterday. But my son was able to recount a lot of information for WW2 as we went around the Imperial War Museum so I think it was good revision for him. The exams starts next week and I am so proud of how far he has come in the last few months and weeks especially.

I still feel very out of sorts within myself, so I've just been taking some time to myself whilst my son is at college and I'm going to try and clean my room later today. I've got laundry to put away and the pile is just staring at me, but it's just hard to get motivated. I think I might try journalling, that seems to be a popular wellbeing practice. I used to write a diary all the time and it was great, but after I lost it at school and a teacher found it and read, then gave me a detention for what she read, I've never been able to commit to paper in the same way. And an online journal doesn't really gel in my head in the same way. I have a lot of nice notebooks just lying around, so I'll see how I feel later in the week, but I might try to start again. It did used to really help me.

I paid £50 to Clearpay for my son's trainers as I paid both payments due this month. I won't be buying that way again, it's much more stressful having something every two weeks, whereas Klarna is every 30 days. I think Clearpay for Americans makes sense as most of them are paid fortnightly. But I can't get my head around it. But his trainers were on sale and he's needed new trainers for so long and he's so happy with them he's even given up his beloved crocs in favour of trotting around with these ones, so that's good. At least they're being well used. I need to save up and get some new trainers myself. Everyone is telling me Skechers are amazing, so I will see what I can get there.

WelshmansDaughter

Amazon do payment per 5 months interest free

LittleMissDetermined

Hi Keedie, it sounds like the museum was a good affirmation of his knowledge and a fun way to do it too.

I have started bullet journaling and watched a few videos on YouTube before starting (mapped out on pencil first 😂) and I have to say I’m loving it.

LMD x

Keedie

Been AWOL as I've not been feeling well and having trouble moving around etc and still not sleeping properly. 

I don't trust myself with Amazon on a payment plan @WelshmansDaughter! 😩 I go on Amazon everyday and add things to my basket and I just know that if I allowed myself the ability to pay things slowly, then I would be uncontrollable. It was like that with my Argos Card all them years ago. But if it's an urgent item, it's good to know that is an option, so thank you.

I brought a bullet journal years ago @LittleMissDetermined and then I didn't do anything with it 🤦🏾‍♀️. But I will definitely look into this more. YouTube is definitely my friend when it comes to budgeting and decluttering and learning new things. I think it would be good to see how others journal as well.

We attended another college interview on Wednesday and he's been given another college offer, so he has 4 at the moment and 3 of them are in writing. So that's been a nice motivator. The exams start on Tuesday and he's got 5 next week. Which seems like such a big amount, but I swear I had about 8 or 9 exams in my first week. He's doing a mock exam now, and it's all a bit of last minute stress, but he's still going strong so I'm proud of him. I've got to do a big food shop tomorrow and work out what we're eating in the week, so that I can get it all sorted, so that we have one less thing to think about and he has healthy snacks and water nearby.

I've paid the increased standing order to my mum so she got £100 instead of £50 on Wednesday and I've amended the standing order from November 2023 to £175 to include the Creation snowball. I cleared out the Noose PAD Pot and made a payment of £52.62 to Creation, so I now have 4x £72.62 to clear the mattresses and the last payment will be at the beginning of September 2023. As the increase to my mum doesn't start until November and my birthday is in October, I've decided that I will treat myself with that money and enjoy my birthday. 

Having a more relaxed approach to my finances is definitely helping, and I'm trying to get into better habits with my spending and budgeting. Especially as my wages will decrease when I eventually return to work. I need to develop better habits and I need to do my self assessment so that I can see how much tax I owe. I've got some saved up, but not enough, and so I can't really use any freelance money (although this has dropped off a lot since I've not really done anything in the longest while, but will do some sporadic bits when I am well enough to work again). 

I've got a meeting with the Mental Health Practitioner on Monday and the Social Prescriber at my GP surgery. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything, so it will be good to check in with them. 

WelshmansDaughter

Ugh I know. The temptation to get things now is unreal. Luckily they don't offer the 5 month payment plan on most of the stuff I look at!