The Mental Debt Struggle...

Chrystal

Hi Keedie, just checking in and hoping that you're feeling better.  (((hugs))) XX

Keedie

Hi @Chrystal, thanks for checking in on me. I've taken some time out of everything as I just became more unwell.

I've struggled a bit lately and I've been signed off work for a few weeks due to work related stress. I kept telling them that I was struggling and overwhelmed and it wasn't fair for me to be solely dealing with pay queries when they're so demanding and the volume of incoming queries is non-stop. I was working extra hours unpaid to try and manage everything and when I pointed out that I work part time and I'm disabled and it isn't fair for me to have the burden of their poor resource planning, it was met with a blank look and I was more or less ignored in my requests for support. I ended up crying at work last Tuesday and booked an appointment with my doctor and she signed me off. 

I've not been doing much of anything in the last few days and I just lie down in my bed and look out the window. But not being under all that pressure at work has meant that I've started to dream again. I'd lost my ability to have any meaningful sleep or remember my dreams and that was just sad. But it's slowly coming back. I'm due back at work next week, but I don't think I'll be ready.

Although ironically, they've suddenly got people to help with the pay queries and the other stuff I've been doing since I've been absent, yet they couldn't be bothered to give me any support to prevent me being burnt out in the first place...🙄.

I need to sit down at some point in the next few days and do a proper budget as I'll need to leave my job much sooner rather than later. My savings are not very high at all, so I need to work on that. I continue to pay my debt payments, but I do need to think of a solution for when I am unemployed as the benefits will not be enough to meet all outgoings, and I have begun to cut back on some already.

beanielou

Sorry to read this.
Take care.

Humdinger1

@Keedie I am muttering like Mutley in sheer indignation at how work is treating you! Their incompetence is surpassed only by their inhumanity.  When they have to pay a lot more to cover a fraction of what you do, the penny will drop.  You are strong and capable and will come through this. Onwards and upwards love Humdinger xx 

Keedie

Thank you @beanielou and @Humdinger1. 

It's been a long time coming that things would reach a crisis point at work, and I kept making the mistake of trying harder to accomodate them in the hope that I would get more support in return. But that didn't happen and isn't going to happen as long as I keep putting others above my own needs and health. So I have decided to just step back and heal, as I feel rather fragile at the moment.

I'm trying to establish a routine that will help me to feel less overwhelmed and I managed to shred a handful of papers today. It's all still quite chaotic at home, but I'm hoping that by not working all hours being burnt out, I'll have a better home environment for me and my son. And not living in chaos means that I can spend more quality time with him and truly have my home as a sanctuary.

I started a fibromyalgia phsyio course last week called FAME (Fibromyalgia Active Management and Engagement Programme). It's been really useful and I have been learning more about the condition and over the 7 week course, they'll help us with everything from sleep, diet and nutrition, exercise, pain management and coping strategies. And it's been so nice to be able to the session and not have to rush from work to get there and then run back home to work again 🤗.

My cash budgeting is going well, and I've managed to save a few £5 notes so that I can use this for our spending money in Turkey. My penny challenge is also ticking along with my weekly clearance of my purse, as that means I can cross off more big numbers, and I've nearly finish the £3s.

I'm not sure if it's cheaper to book excursions for Turkey here via something like Tripadvisor or to do it there? I'll have to get googling.

But I need to book airport parking when I get paid on Friday and let TUI know that I need special assistance as I keep forgetting to do both. I'm a bit anxious about travel insurance though, as it's usually so expensive with my pre-existing medical conditions. I've not had travel insurance for years as it's sometimes as expensive as my flight just for a single trip. So I need to see if I can find a good comparison site or something, as I realised that TUI's conditions of travel is that you have travel insurance 😬.

Keedie

£50 to MBNA today and some exciting news! That payment has taken me below the £14,000 mark as the total debt is now £13,990.50. That means I've paid off over £1,500 since the start of the year. It also means I'm roughly back where I was before my debt increased in August 2022. So I am very happy with that.

I've also had a think and decided against transferring MBNA to Barclaycard in the summer, as I realised that I need actually do a money or balance transfer from Barclaycard around November/December 2023. As I have two 0% interest deals I have no hope of paying off before the interest is charged. One ends on 1 February 2024 and the other larger balance on 1 April 2024. As I won't have cleared the February balance on time, there's no way I can clear the April balance two months later.

So a Barclaycard money transfer would ideally be needed, as they have a lower transfer rate and offer a longer repayment period. It means that whilst I'm in between employment next year, I can continue to pay a fixed amount and not pay lots of interest whilst I get back on my feet.

So I will clear MBNA by December 2023, and get rid of as much as I can via the direct debit and whatever is left in my Noose PAD Pot once my unpaid parental leave ends. And I'll raid my sealed pot a little early and put that towards it as well.

I had a very good chat the other day about my work situation with one of my friends that I've known since we sat next to each other from Year 7 to Year 11 in our form class. She told me that leaving early will help me mentally, but only temporarily, and it lets my employer off the hook, and they need to put things in place to support me so that I can leave when it's financially and mentally beneficial for me. As leaving with no savings or a lower debt balance just makes my life harder and will ultimately affect my mental health.

I realised she was right, so I'm going to contact my manager and director today, so that I can arrange for the management referral to OH to be sorted out so that I can speak to OH before I go back to work. That way, I will have things in place to properly support me and I can make it to December 2023 in employment without making myself ill.

LittleMissDetermined

Your friend is completely right, and if it's not addressed, they could end up treating others the same way. Be as open and honest with OH as you can be and hopefully they'll arrange for the support you need x

Keedie

Yes you are right @LittleMissDetermined. I'm going to be very honest with OH, as the way that I have been treated cannot continue. I actually feel scared at the thought of going back to work with no changes or OH report and recommendations in place. 

I just want to go back down to my normal part time hours, as the hours I'm doing at the moment is too much as it's 110 mph of stress and I can't sustain it. If the workload and duties made sense, then it would be tolerable, but that's not the case as they don't have enough people and they won't change their structure. So I need to step back and only do the work that anyone else doing my role would be expected to do.

It's been a funny sort of day today. I got discharged from my Community Mental Health Team and it feels a bit surreal. I think my Care Coordinator tried to make me feel better about being dropped, by telling me that I was a 'role model' for receptive and compliant behaviour as some service users don't engage with the interventions that are offered to them. I felt like I'd graduated from some weird programme if I'm being honest.

I understand that I was taking up space on the books that someone else could utilise, and I wouldn't want to lengthen the waiting list for anyone else as I know what that feels like. But it does kinda feel a bit like being abandoned because I'm exceptionally good at masking and appear to be coping better than I am. I can articulate and advocate for my needs and recovery, but it's still a very painful and daily uphill battle. She said that I can call and ask to be re-referred if things go south and gave me a contact number, but I don't know what constitutes as bad enough?? 

Anyways, from a money perspective, I moved my Noose PAD Pot into my emergency fund so that now has £493.53 in there so nearly at 50% of my £1,000 target. I decided that I'd feel better being on unpaid parental leave if I have a fully funded starter emergency fund. May 2023 is a bonus PIP month, as the payments are every 4 weeks and so 13 payments a year so there's usually a point where you get two in one month, and I looked at my calendar and realised that's in May this year, so this takes a lot of the pressure off for June 2023's expenses. 

I also updated my spreadsheet where I built a universal credit calculator, and realised that the reduction in income is not as drastic as I thought for those two months if I finish off some of my freelancing projects whilst I wait for my son to sit his exams. He's been given extra time, so it means more sitting around and an even tighter gap between morning and afternoon exams when he has to change location. But at least I can read and relax in that time when I'm not wrapping up my projects, and I've found a library not too far from his college and the exam centre to go to whilst I wait.

Keedie

So it turns out that I can't count very well 🤦🏾‍♀️😂.

When I did Take 2 debt restart on 01/08/2022, I'd miscalculated my balance for Creation as I couldn't get into my portal and I'd included a payment that I'd intended to make but never did 😬. I finally remembered the portal details, So I've had to change my overall starting balance for Take 2 by £7.35 so it's now £22,189.87.

It still means my current balance is (just) under £14,000 at £13,997.83, but I was baffled for a little bit trying to work out where I went wrong 😂.

I've PADded £9 today, with £4 in £2 coins and a £5 note, with the £2s going to my £2 challenge that's now £110/£300 and the £5 has gone towards our Turkey spending money. 

I had a look at airport parking and I just can't justify £147 for 10 nights, so my brother has agreed to drop us and we'll get the train back home. We have to be at the airport for 6am, so that would be rather awkward by bus and train. But we arrive back at 7pm, so it'll be easier to get a train and take 25 minutes then get a bus home. I didn't really fancy all that driving, so it being cost prohibitive works in my favour 🤗.

Keedie

Morning all, I've paid £250 to Barclaycard and that's my final scheduled debt payment for the month.

That means I've paid £1,741.62 off my debts since 1 January 2023, so I'm quite happy with that. As my target with the Debt Free Before Christmas 2023 is £6,000, Iso 'm on target as I am at 29.03% paid after the first quarter of the month. Hopefully I should reach my target or close to it by the end of the year. 

But in non-MSE news, I have had the most amazing care package sent to me by a friend as she knows that I am off work at the moment. I cried some happy tears, and it was so thoughtful and everything I didn't know that I needed. I will be pampering myself later today and will start journalling again and the Wine not? book is hillarious and put a big smile on my face. I don't know when I last had a laugh - how sad (literally) is that? I'm going to enjoy being creative with the clay on the weekend once my new desk has been put together. I brought a desk for my room so that I can write and have a space to colour in and be creative to help with my wellbeing so this is all perfect timing... 🤗🥰.