The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

I got confirmation that my blue badge will arrive with 10 days and will be valid until October 2025. Yay. Fingers crossed I don't lose my licence, and I get to use it as a driver and not just as a passenger. I just need to add a blue badge holder to the AWE list just in case it doesn't come with one that it easy enough to keep the cards together. I've seen them on Amazon for less than £5, so I'll see what it comes with and take it from there.

The DVLA received the medical form today as I checked the tracking on the Post Office website, so at least it was received before the deadline of 14 October, so at least it won't be automatically revoked. Now I just have to wait 6 weeks and see what happens.

I'm housebound today and more or less attached to my bed as I did too much activity yesterday so I feel really weak and in a lot of pain. It's been getting me down a bit, but I'm trying to remain positive. But it's a struggle. I'm glad that there is a lot of support in place for me and that there is light at the end of the tunnel for getting this help. But I do feel sad, as it just's a reminder that I'm indeed disabled. I know that sounds silly, as I obviously am otherwise I wouldn't have disability benefits or a carer. But I still grieve my old life and the old me. 

beanielou

Tens can be good~~hope it continues to help.

Blue badge for £10 is great.  Think mine was £30.

Sun_Addict

I’m glad you’re getting things sorted. Try not to look back just forward and concentrate on what you can do now. I know it’s hard not to think about how things used to be, it took me a long time to come to terms with it re Mr SA. In answer to your question earlier, Mr SA has permanent brain damage and will never be able to drive again. 

cinnamon123

Good news on the blue badge and your recent assessment!

I'm eternally hopeful that life improves for those who are disabled. More attention needs to paid to their issues (attention, research money, government funding, respect for these individuals, etc). It's important to grieve your former life while you, at the same time, keep up the daily fight towards a good life in the present and future.

Hoping you can spend some money on (or are given) some of the items on your AWE list soon! 

Keedie

The TENS machine is amazing @beanielou, I think it might be a little bit addictive 😂. That's strange about the difference in blue badge price, maybe they've reduced the price if you've had yours a while?

Accepting the change in circumstances and what you know about life is really hard isn't it @Sun_Addict? I'm trying my best to look forward, I really am, but some days it just gets the better of me. I had a good cry today and I felt better for it. It's hard to pretend that life isn't beating me down, but I cried whilst I was under the covers and my son wasn't at home. Since I wrote my AWE List, and I am able to start to cross items off, it's made me feel better. But I think I've been in denial for a while that I've not allowed myself to properly think of everything that I do need to live an adapted life, and that has been hard. I am sorry, as I didn't realise that Mr SA's brain damage was permanent, I only discovered your diary recently and incorrectly thought he was temporarily unwell.

I'm not sleepwalking through life anymore, and I've had to rethink my health priorities and most importantly my limitations, but I think I am ready to properly grieve and let go of the past and create a new future @cinnamon123. The main thing I've realised is that I need to start putting myself first, as I am always my last priority and I am so burnt out with everything. I feel incredibly stressed all the time, and from speaking to the consultant yesterday, I have realised that I need to create as much zen as possible in my life. I also need to give my body its best fighting chance to heal as much as it is able, and doing things the way that I have been, is not working. 

Now that I have redone my budget and been kinder to myself and reclaimed my PIP, I'm hoping that my quality of life does improve, mentally and physically. I've been working on my repayment plan with my debts, so that I can ensure that it's realistic and I can keep my PIP to myself, as I've been allowing myself to dream of all of the things that would make a difference. I've been looking at things in Brighton to plan my trip, and I was really happy to see that the freedom pass gives me free bus travel from 9.30am to 11pm throughout England. So I am glad that I will be able to get the bus and explore whilst I have my break and I won't have to walk too much, as Brighton is quite hilly.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day pain wise. 

AntoMac

Oh Keedie, sorry to hear how tough things are.
I do think having a good cry can work wonders, and allows us to express some of our emotions.  Not much of a cryer myself but if someone cries near me I encourage them to keep crying and not be embarrassed. Typical of you putting your son first by hiding your pain from him as much as you can.  He knows how much you do for him of course and how difficult it is.
it’s understandable that you feel low at times but you’ve done so much to be proud of.
Keep going. Being kinder to yourself won’t stop you being kind to others. Anyway, I don’t you could stop being kind to others even if you tried.
Every day is a new day. If only I could work out why some days I feel like the King of the World and other days don’t want to face leaving the house. You more than most have a right to feel aggrieved about har hard your life is. I do think we need the bad days to appreciate the good ones.
Here’s to more good days coming your way. 

Keedie

Thanks @AntoMac, things are really tough at the moment and I feel quite burnt out. I guess it was inevitable, as too much stress isn't good for the body or the mind. But crying yesterday really helped me. I needed to let it out and not always be in a position of always being strong. I need to learn that it's okay to stumble at times, and it isn't a sign of weakness. And you're right, I couldn't be unkind to people no matter how hard I tried, but I do need to be kinder to myself. Thanks again, your support and everyone on this forum really does mean a lot to me. Hoping today is a better day.xx

Keedie

Things are definitely looking up. My blue badge came today which was super quick! And so I've paid the £10 application fee for the congestion charge discount and also added my sister's car to my account, as sometimes, we take her car to share the driving as she has an automatic car and can't drive my manual one. It's really helpful when I'm tired or in pain or we're travelling a distance, and it really helps. She's as excited as I am that life will be easier moving forward with parking etc. I need to do the Dart Charge one next and the reduction in car tax (thanks again @IndiJonesi).

My radar key for the toilets also came in the post today, and so that has also put a smile on my face. My AWE list is very steadily being ticked off, so I am very pleased. I'm in a lot of pain and missed going out tonight to a party, and I'm struggling to sell my £15 ticket, but my body can't handle too much movement or being up into the early hours of the morning. Bit gutted that I'll miss the birthday celebrations ☹️, but I have to listen to my body.

I think I'll treat myself to a take away tonight, as I'll save money on drinks as I'm not able to leave my flat, let alone go out dancing and drinking. My son seems to think I should go out every other weekend! Bless him, I don't know where he thinks that energy and finance would be coming from. But I appreciated that he was thinking of me enjoying life more, so I just smiled and said I'll think about it.

I've decided to go to birthday money and the £35 I found (£115 total) towards my hotel for my trip to Brighton. I've decided to go next month, instead of waiting until January 2023, as I just really need a break. I've not had any time to myself, not properly in the last few months with everything that has happened. I'm going to go for 3 nights instead of 2, and the hotel at the moment is £161.50 for 3 nights, so I have to find an extra £46.50 to take from my PIP which is due on Tuesday. I'll use my early payment feature on Monzo and get the money on Monday after 4pm, and so I'll be able to book it then. So hopefully it won't increase too much, or fingers crossed, not at all before then. 

I've got £18.50 in Tesco Clubcard vouchers, so I'll cash in some of them to treat myself to Pizza Express or Zizzi, as £0.50 clubcard vouchers is worth £1.50 in the restaurant, so I'll just have to worry about drinks and I have some Nando's chillies to sort out a meal there as well. I feel excited knowing that my break is coming sooner rather than later.

AntoMac

Hooray for a much better day Keedie. Some good wins to celebrate. My Mum has a blue badge and I can tell you it’s a real life changer. She uses a stick or a push along trolly with a seat on. It’s so much easier taking her places. You honestly won’t know yourself
It’s so good to have a break to look forward to. Long time since I’ve been to Brighton but I remember it having a really nice vibe. The kids of 2 of my cousins study down there and both of them love it.
Random thought on your outstanding debts. If some of your siblings owe you money couldn’t they owe it to your mum instead? You could then knock it off what you owe your mum? Maybe it’s not possible as your mum might not be impressed that you lent to them in the first place. Just a thought as it might simplify things slightly.
Continuing on the theme of random I got talking to some Millwall football fans today, as they were here for a football match. Me and my teen helped guide them back to the train station. Contrary to reputation they were very pleasant young men.  Was good to talk football with them. They looked like they could look after themselves but were  perfectly down to earth. One said they get fed up of being portrayed as racist thugs as they’re nothing of the sort.  I usually find that if you talk politely to someone without making assumptions they’re usually fine with you.
Anyway, here’s to tomorrow being another good day for you after a nice takeaway and a good rest.

Keedie

Yes @AntoMac, it will make such a difference having the blue badge. I've got a lightweight folding rollator on my AWE List, so I'll be pushing along like your mum soon enough 😁. As soon as I get my blue badge holder, I'll be good to go. There's a high rise in blue badge thefts in London, and so my local council also has something called a white badge, where I can reduced benefits of a blue badge without needing to display anything. But I think for peace of mind, as I can't afford to have my car broken into, and the badge stolen, I'll need to get a display holder that locks to the steering wheel. Why some people prey on the vulnerable, I'll never know.

I've been sworn to secrecy by my mum about the loan that she has given me, so I can't ask my siblings to repay the debt to her. She lent it to me on the condition that I didn't advertise the fact, as she closed the Bank of Mum a long time ago. She still helps us from time to time, but she doesn't want us to get back into the habit of coming to her, so I have to keep them separate, and just use what I receive from my siblings to pay off the credit card. It's a bit frustrating if I am being honest, as I have to keep chasing my brother especially, only to be given a token £5 at a time, when he's using stockpiling money for other things like a holiday with his girlfriend 😏. But he knows when the 0% interest plan expires so he has to pay it by then, so he's not seeing the urgency. Despite me explaining that my minimum payment is a percentage of my total balance, and the amount he owes contributes to my balance. My sisters are better at paying things back, but as it's in small amounts, I have to make sure that I put it straight to the debt and not for bits and pieces if it's in my account and I have realised that a payment has been made.

My nephews used to play for Millwall Academy when they were in primary school and so we'd get tickets to go and see the actual proper Millwall matches and the U21 matches. The fans are crazy and passionate, but I've never felt like they were racist. Just plain crazy and hyperactive. I remember at the end of the season, despite there being a rule where you can't go on the pitch, as soon as the match was over, the fans flooded the pitch and were talking selfies and cutting bits of the grass to put in their pockets! Absolute nutters, but a great atmosphere to watch football matches. And if the truth be told, I don't even like football 😂.