The Mental Debt Struggle...

Baileys_Babe

Makingabobor2 said:

Oh no, that's not good. But good that Argos will replace it. We were only talking about MWs last night as I read that the average life span of one is 7-10 years and ours is over 18 years old now.....

Our microwave is at least 28 years old, I can't remember if OH had it before we met.

How frustrating Keedie, I hope you get a replacement microwave pronto.

Keedie

in_need_of_direction said:

i bought my still working microwave with my first month's full time salary in June 1987!

Wow you got a good run @in_need_of_direction! And 28 years @Baileys_Babe 😳. The saying that 'they don't make them like they used to' is really true. My mum's on her second washing machine that I've ever known. The one that she had when we were little kids and taught us how to use finally gave up in the last year and she now has a new one. But I remember that machine cleaning the clothes for a family of 7 since I was in primary school and my son is now an adult.

They really do cheapen products nowadays so that we're forced to replace them or they bring out fancy versions and people get excited and upgrade before it's truly necessary. I'm not remotely impressed by that microwave. I've only just cleared the Argos Card to finish paying for it 😤. I don't know how it will work in terms of a replacement. I can't see the microwave at my local Sainsbury's and it's no longer on offer. I don't want it credited to the Argos Card as it will take an age to get a refund as there is a zero balance on there at the moment and I don't want that card in credit. So we'll just see what they say. I'm going to box it up now and my son will take it to the car. Luckily our Argos is inside Sainsbury's, so we can use their trolley so that he doesn't have to carry it throughout the store.

Makingabobor2

in_need_of_direction said:

i bought my still working microwave with my first month's full time salary in June 1987!

Wow, that is incredible

beanielou

in_need_of_direction said:

i bought my still working microwave with my first month's full time salary in June 1987!

Wow. Just wow. 

KajiKita

I’m glad that you are getting a full replacement for the microwave but just for reference you can buy new turntable plates online. I had to do it for my cheapy SM microwave a while back as it had a properly dodgy chip on one side of it - sooner or later it was either going to propagate into a full blown crack or cut one of us! 

KK

AntoMac

That must have been a nice surprise having more than you expected in your emergency fund Keedie and hopefully more than offsets the faff and inconvenience of the microwave turntable.
I have a question about your Bipolar support group if I may.  I have a cousin who I have grown a lot closer to recently as she has just lost her dad. I knew for years that she has real highs and terrible lows with her mental condition but she only told me the other day that she’s actually bipolar. I mentioned the possibility of joining a support group but she said the ups and downs of group members would likely trigger a reaction in her so has never joined  a group.
You mentioned you got real benefit from your group. If it’s not a daft question how do you avoid being triggered by how others are coping at the time. Hope the question makes sense and doesn’t come across as insensitive. I’m trying to understand better and have said to her to be comfortable just  to o be however she is when she’s with me

Keedie

The turntable for the microwave @KajiKita was one problem, but it also overheated. It wouldn't cool down properly and putting my hand in there, it was scorching hot. And as it's a microwave combi oven, the turntable is rather large. And I was rather put out by the fact that I spent £225 on this thing and it's just gone crazy and the turntable exploded and it wouldn't cool down. So I'll get a replacement, and fingers crossed 🤞🏾 there's no more issues. 

When I went to Argos this afternoon, I'd just missed the manager (as it never occurred to me to ask his about his working hours 🙄🤦🏾‍♀️). I'm in Cambridge tomorrow so I'll be going there on Saturday and I know that he works 11am to 7pm this Saturday, so hopefully that should help with actually getting things sorted. The lady at the counter told me that they will only refund to the Argos Card if they can't exchange. I told her that I have a zero balance, and don't want money being put on there. The microwave is sold out in my local store, but it's available at another store for full price, so I need to see if the manager will also give me credit for the difference, if I then have to buy it again using the Argos Card. Well there's a lesson in saving up and paying for things with your own card. But I'll get there at some point.

I'm sorry for your cousin's loss, and yours @AntoMac 💖. Your question isn't insensitive and I have no problem with people asking me questions. It's imperative that people talk about and normalise mental health conditions or poor mental health. That's why I choose to be so open about my own struggles. The support group I go to is run by Bipolar UK, and it is a peer support group so it's facilitated by someone who has lived experience with bipolar, and the attendees either have bipolar or are a family member, friend or carer of a loved one with bipolar. The group has been amazing for me, as it has helped me to meet other people that 'just get it'. You can find the closest one to your cousin on the Bipolar UK website if you search for 'support groups', and some are online and some are face to face.

If I am not well enough to attend, or I have unavoidable scheduling conflicts like a birthday, then I don't go. But usually, it is the highlight of my month to be able to be around like minded people. As for being triggered, sometimes people say things that are hard to digest as you can see that they've had a hard time. But it doesn't upset me, as I can empathise, but I can also learn a lot from other people's experiences. But most of the time, people give good advice and we can have a laugh. There are certain topics that are not allowed to be discussed, such as self harm or su*cide (in terms of methods - but you people can mention if they have ever felt su*cidal) as the can be very triggering. We don't give advice on medication, as we're not medical professionals and so we can only talk about what has worked for us as individuals or side effects etc. Each group has its own format/structure for the meeting. The one that I go to in central London is split into two parts, with the first part being a go-round, where everyone gets to check-in and say how they're doing, and if they have any topics that they would like to discuss or any support that they need. Then we take a break for about 10-15 minutes, and then in the second half, we discuss as much of the topics that were raised in the first part. Then we go to the pub afterwards (which isn't affiliated with Bipolar UK and is just a long standing social tradition that occurs. If I feel drained by a meeting then I don't go to the pub, but most of the time I do. 

If your cousin wants to ask me any questions directly, then I am happy to help AntoMac, just send me a message and we can work something out. The groups are for family too, so you're always welcome to go to a meeting, either online or face to face. Everyone is really welcoming and I've been to 3 different support groups (all Bipolar UK) and they're all slightly different, but so helpful nonetheless. It is very daunting to go your first meeting, but I've gained so much out of it, and I've made some really good friends who understand me, and we have a bond because I don't have to mask with them, as I can just be myself.

I dunno if I mentioned that my Head of Service emailed me a lovely email (that was a bit too perfectly constructed) raving on about how great I was and what a loss it is for the team. Well anyways, I didn't respond as she really upset me that day that we had that meeting which led to me resigning. Anyways, I was speaking to one of my friends, and he told me that I should take a case against my old employer. And that I would likely be awarded damages. I explained that I don't have the mental capacity to deal with something like that. And he kept insisting that I look into it. I think he was hinting at a constructive dismissal case or discrimination case. I know that I have a strong case and I saved all my evidence. But the thought of doing any of that just doesn't sit right with me.  The psychological cost of fighting, I don't know if I have it in me to do so. I'm very slowly starting to feel a semblance of peace. And I feel like that is priceless...

Keedie

Also, I forgot to say @AntoMac that in terms of actively avoiding being triggered by other group members, and their ups and downs, the meetings structure helps with this. I've only been to one or two meetings when someone is actually unwell and in the midst of an episode with elevated mood, but this was more noticeable in their rapid or disjointed speech pattern. Some people are quite down at times, but they tend to just not say very much. But the facilitators are trained to redirect conversations and everyone is very patient with each other. As the atmosphere is very supportive, and structured so that everyone is respected and gets a chance to speak, it's not a mentally challenging environment that may typically induce an episode or trigger someone. But if someone is not happy, then they can just simply leave. 

If someone mentions a topic that is inappropriate or may be triggering, then the facilitators shut it down and offer to speak to the individual at the break or after the meeting if they need support or advice. 

But most importantly, to protect myself (as you never know what a topic will be or the meeting dynamic), I just listen to what people say, but I don't try to imagine it or put myself in their shoes as we're all different. And as I've been going for a while now and made a few friends there, it's become a part of my social calendar and so I look forward to it. Hopefully your cousin will get to that stage, but if she doesn't, then that's okay too. And soon after my dad passed away, I wish I had my group already established at that point, but I didn't and so I wouldn't have necessarily started doing something new and so monumental when I freshly grieving. But if I had, I know it would have helped as I felt so lonely during that time and the grief made me very mentally unwell and I couldn't fully relate to my family or friends to articulate my moods, as they just didn't get it.

Cherryfudge

I've read with interest about your bipolar group, @Keedie. Thank you for the information: although it's not something I'm encountering in person, I know that there will be people I come across who might benefit from a support group. And the voice of lived experience is the most valuable because, as you say, these are the people who get it.

With regard to taking action against your former employer, I'm now two years on from the point I went off sick, and only just beginning to feel I might be able to address issues with management. Up till now just going through the material again would have been triggering and I can't guarantee I'm past that point. So perhaps note things that come to mind - though I think your diary will be a reference if wanted - but focus on your new life and healing from any grief around what's happened.

Have fun in Cambridge 

Keedie

Replacement microwave sorted. The manager at my local Argos Sainsbury's gave me a gift card to the value of the microwave and me and my son went and collected a new one at a different Argos that was reserved for me to pay for with the gift card. So I'm glad that's all sorted. I've not unpacked it yet, but I will do so tomorrow. I have a few other things to sort out at home tomorrow as well.

I'm glad you found my account of the bipolar support group interesting @Cherryfudge. It has really made all the difference in enabling me to take control of my bipolar and feel a sense of autonomy in my care and lifestyle management. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it's been invaluable to me. And as for recovering from toxic work situations, it's an incredibly long process. I'm grateful that I walked away, but it's not something I could consider confronting without being seriously triggered. And it's just not worth it. I have the evidence, very strong evidence, but it's so stressful even considering it. I'm nowhere near the point of not being triggered, and I don't think I would be after two years either. 

Cambridge was really good. The kids had so so much fun! And I did waaaaay too much walking, which I'm paying for now, but it was worth it. The gaming cafe was so much fun. And for £2 an hour per person, it wasn't a very spendy day either.

I've been offered a freelance copyediting/web editing job to rewrite an entire website and to do ongoing blog articles and potentially a newsletter. I think my gap year of not working isn't going to really go to plan. But it's such a great opportunity so I won't be turning it down. I just need to figure out pricing the job. And a very gentle timeframe for getting everything done. I might split into a series of mini projects to break it down.