The Mental Debt Struggle...

LittleMissDetermined

Is it worth having a 'lifestyle' discussion with him about his future?  Like, what job does he want, where does he see himself living? What car would he like to drive? Where would he like to go on holiday? And then look at what kind of salary he would need in order to achieve this and what grades he needs... or do you think that would make him feel it was less achievable? Not sure how he reacts to pressure.

It's a tough one for certain, but you can't do it for him. He needs to be the one driving it for certain.
LMD x

Keedie

The (Not So) Sunday Summary (Retro Fitted)

So the last few days have been tense and I've not posted an update as I've been really feeling down mentally and incredibly overwhelmed and tearful. I've spent a lot of time lying in my bed staring at the wall. Crying on the inside when I've not been able to produce actual tears and I've been in a lot of pain because stress causes my body to shut down and I've now had a fibromyalgia flare up 🤕.

Through my numb and pained state, I've been thinking a lot about what I want my daily life to be like and what will make me happy. And I've decided to live my life more for me. And I really want to be debt free, but I need to be able to mentally withstand the journey and right now, I just feel broken. So I'm focussing on what I need to do to heal.

I've not really done much in terms of my finances this week, aside from going over and over my budget and no matter which way I did it, it was all too tight. And that was taking a mental toll on me. The increase in income from taking on more freelance work would be great, but the more I work and earn, the less universal credit I get (which is logical and fine), but as the outgoings are so high, there's a gap between what I'll actually earn and have available to freely use. And the two ends just couldn't meet, unless I was in a constant state of high stakes stress and I don't want to become so unwell that I become hospitalised. 

My mum went away this week on a break to Wales with her walking group and when she came back and saw me yesterday, she said that she could see the stress in my face and that I'd aged (she's a bit blatant even when her blunt observation is the truth), and that my grey hairs had multiplied in the last few weeks. 

I told her that the tension with my son and the issues with my finances were just getting on top of me, and that I felt like I couldn't breathe at times. She really helped me to calm down and told me not to give up on my son, and that he's got no choice but to get his head down and fix up and stop feeling sorry for himself. He's created the situation that he's in and he just has to get on with it. He's going to stay with her on the days that I work, so that I can have some much needed time away and to try and get back to functioning as an adult, and he can benefit from her discipline and structure and get his head on straight for Year 11 and life in general.

She said my gut instinct of keeping him at the online school was the right one, even if he was always moaning, deep down he appreciated it, he just doesn't have an understanding of the extent to which I am making sacrifices etc, as he's a teenager and the gratitude won't be evident until he's older. But I had to ask for help and to stop trying to be so independent as she could see that it was completely draining me and that he'll be an adult soon and I needed to still be standing so that I can live my life, when he get to that stage in life.

So I swallowed my pride and asked her to lend me the £4,800 for the school fees, and that I would repay her at £200 a month, as this is half of what I would be paying if I was paying the school directly. As I've not paid the fees yet or physically borrowed the money, I've not updated my signature but I'll change around my spreadsheet in the meantime.

All of this would give me breathing space and allow me to get on top of saving for the exam fees and clearing up other debts. The school gave us the exam details and they have a partnership with an exam centre that offers 15% discount and charges per subject and not per paper. So for the 6 IGCSEs, it comes up to £1,027 instead of the £1,500 it would cost at the exam centre across the road from me, and I will save for that to book them in September/early October 2022. As I won't be paying the school fees in instalments, the £500 that I'd put aside as the deposit, is now nearly half of the exam fees fund and I've amended my signature to reflect this, and I feel so much better.

I'm frustrated and ashamed that I've had to ask my mum for help, and that my debt has gone in the other direction, but at peace with this course of action, as it means that I can mentally and emotionally function and get my head above water and still meet my debt free target date of 31 December 2024. Even with the higher balance.

It would also allow me to get more money set aside in my bills pot, to change the way that I manage my budget, starting from the 1st of the month for the entire calendar month, instead of basing everything on on my employed earnings pay date of the 24th. I'm going to be PADding whatever I can into a holding pot on Monzo and then whatever I have not needed (as I have locked my emergency pot to stop me from dipping into unnecessarily), I will transfer to my bills pot at the end of each month. That should hopefully by Christmas help me to build enough surplus to be a month ahead. I also need to track everything I spend, so that I can start to work out what my true costs are and what this equates to annually and where I can make savings.

I've also been doing meter readings on the 1st of the month, so that Octopus can generate my bills so that I can see what I'm actually using. They had the direct debit fixed at £162.86 until April 2023 as I had arrears and the rates had increased. But I used the £150 council tax rebate thingy to clear the arrears and I've been doing the monthly readings to prove that it was too high. My gas for last month was £14.29 and my electricity was £29.60, so £43.89 is a massive difference to £162.86. In May the gas was £23.49 and the electricity was £28.12. I've now got £230.22 credit in my account and after a few months of doing these readings and constantly checking if I could amend the direct debit, I've finally been able to do so as it's no longe locked, and i've  reduced it to £100 so that I can still build credit for the winter. I'll be able to PAD the leftover £62.86 into my pending PAD pot.

So the actual financial freedom figures are:

Debts
*Bank of Mum 1 (car) = £433 (45.88% repaid so far)
*Bank of Mum 2 (family holiday = £300 (26.82% repaid so far)
*Bank of Mum 3 (school fees) PENDING = £4,800 pending (0% repaid)
*Barclaycard = £8,511.75 (9.88% repaid so far) - the statement has been produced now and the minimum payment due at the end of the month is £255.35.
*Creation Finance = £1,070 (22.50% repaid so far) - the minimum payment of £72.67 was paid on 04/07/2022
*MBNA = £954 (29.33% repaid so far)
*SKY Mobile = £1,038.90 (7.30% repaid so far)
*TUI Turkey = £2,560.54 (18.18% repaid so far)

Savings Goals
We're off to Blackpool this week so it will be an expensive/spendy week. But I will only be spending the money put aside for this week and aim to stick to my £150 budget, and using my Chase account for expenses so that I earn cashback and interest on my round-ups. If there's anything left, it will go into my emergency fund.

Mental Health/Wellbeing
I'm setting myself 3 goals this week to improve my mental health and to try and feel better about life in general.

1. Have a shower every day (this may seem obvious, but when I am depressed everything falls apart, even the most basic of actions).
2. Go for a walk without the boys, preferably along the promenade in Blackpool and to sit and watch the sea without any teenage drama/distractions.
3. Start journalling again and focusing on checking in with myself instead of trying to be a saviour to everyone else. I aim to write in my journal everyday and I have packed it in my rucksack, so that it's on hand at all times. Keeping a diary was a lifesaver when I was a teenager, and has really helped in times of great struggles and uncertainty.

Anyways, that's enough of my whining on. Hope you're all going to be enjoying the great weather tomorrow, and this week in general. I've got a long drive ahead of me from London to Blackpool and I can't sit for long periods of time, or walk a great deal, in one go so I'm packing the wheelchair and hopefully I won't be too stiff by the time that I arrive, that I'll need it on the first day/night... 😂.

Squirrelz92

Morning Keedie, I am so sorry to hear that you have not been in a good place mentally the last few days My heart really does go out to you. From reading your diary since the beginning I have nothing but pure admiration for you. Such an incredibly strong person who doesn't give up! YOU CAN DO THIS! Don't think of yourself as going backwards on this journey just because you have decided to accept your Mum's offer of loaning you the tuition fees! Like you said, this has already released some of the financial stress and you feel more positive for it. Everyone needs a helping hand and there's no shame in it at all! You are still moving forward and always have a plan so please don't put yourself down

Really hope you enjoy your week away at Blackpool (down the road from me!). I am sure the family getaway time is just what the doctor ordered! You definitely need time to yourself and those walks alone and journalling I bet will make the world of difference!

Brilliant news regarding Octopus!!!! I bet that has helped with a little bit of the worrying too now you can pay less on the DD!

Keedie

Morning @Squirrelz92, thank you very much. Your kind words do make me feel a bit better about accepting the help. The pressure was too much, and I can feel myself becoming more and more mentally unwell. And to be honest, his selfish teenage ways made me realise that I was doing everything I can to make sure that he was living his best life, and here I was, all stressed out and suffering on a daily basis. Something had to give and I refused for it to be sanity. As without being mentally sound, I cannot work or function and considering that my life is like a house of cards at the moment, I can't afford for my ability to earn to be sabotaged. I was too unwell physically and mentally to work for over 2 years and that was incredibly hard, and I don't ever want to experience that again. It took about a further 2 years of being in work to improve my credit rating, get on top of bills and payments and to have a little bit of a work/life balance.

I don't think I'm a very strong person at all, but that's very nice of you to say, and I really do appreciate it. This forum has been so helpful to me, and I don't think I would be as focussed on my journey if it wasn't for the support and advice that we all give each other. I actually managed to fall asleep last night and for the first time in weeks I was able to dream. Asking for and accepting help has really lifted a load of tension from me, and I didn't realise how bad it was until I was able to actually sleep. Hopefully my appetite will come back soon as well, as I've not been able to really finish a meal and I've been getting really bad headaches.

My carer is coming around 10am for her 1.5 hour domestic shift, so she'll be able to help me clean and tidy up so that when I get home on Friday evening, everything is nice. There's nothing worse than going away on holiday and coming back to messy chaos! 

My manager let me know that my request for an increase in my hours was approved, so from 1 August 2022, I will go from 17.5 to 21 hours a week. And that's about £177 extra a month take home pay. So once the Universal Credit adjustment is made, I'll see where I stand with actual available extra income, but I predict it will be around £80 which will help with the rising cost of food etc. I'm very happy about the reduced direct debit for Octopus, as it was painful to pay it knowing that I was going out of my way to keep my bills down and I was paying 3 times as much as I was actually using.

I love Blackpool, ever since I went there as a child and stayed in Pontins and went to the Blackpool Pleasure Beach and on the South Pier. So I'll be enjoying your lovely neck of the woods this week Squirrelz, and taking full advantage of those walks and being by the sea 😁. Nature is so soothing, so I'm looking forward to just having a break.

LittleMissDetermined

Oh Keedie, I’m so sorry you’ve been in such a bad place, I did keep wondering where you were but I thought you might have been in Blackpool already.

You have made the right decisions, and your mum is wonderful 🥰 I love that she’s going to have your son whilst you’re at work so she can keep him at his schooling… I think this will work really well for all of you.

I hope you have a fab time away and you get the downtime you need. Well done on the octopus payment, that’s a fair amount extra you were being charged!

Keep your chin up, you’re really strong and doing wonderful

Sending you lots of love 
LMD x

AntoMac

Crikey Keedie, you really have got a lot going on and times are clearly hard for you.

My thoughts, for what they’re worth… I understand you feeling a sense of shame for going to your Mum for help, but my guess is that she’s delighted to help you, and to feel useful. My own Mum tells me over and over again to go to her If I’m ever struggling financially. 

I don’t think you son can help his selfishness. My own teenager has been horrendous at times. I think it’s part of growing up and being a teenager is hard. Who better to hit out at than the one who loves you almost unconditionally? 

That’s some great work with your energy bills. Worth the effort of taking proper readings to get a more realistic monthly payment in place. I heard of a £650 payment coming soon for certain households. Not sure if that’s something you will qualify for? 
Enjoy Blackpool. I have had some good holidays there. I was there in February to watch football (400plus mile round trip in a day) but that was a very grim midwinters day and we got soaked. The things we do to keep our teenagers happy!!
You are doing your absolute best. What more can anyone do but their absolute best? You have some good plans in place so keep going and you’ll be fine.
I’m quite envious of you seeing the waves of the Irish Sea crashing in. It will be lovely. Hope it’s nice and warm but not too hot.

Keedie

It was a horrible drive up here, as there were so many parts of the motorways being technologically upgraded so there were a lot of speed restrictions in place, and that lead to a lot of traffic. But we finally made it and I felt like an uber the whole way as the boys sat in the back in silence on their phones and listening to whatever on their headphones 😂. My car was making a strange sound by the time we arrived, like it was dehydrated or straining or something 😩. So I think I need to put some water in it tomorrow. Or something. 

It's been really tough lately, but just getting out of London has been so nice. I've been struggling more than I cared to admit @LittleMissDetermined and I think I needed a few days of death by duvet to try and recalibrate. I think no matter how old we get, we always need our parents and I've been really missing my dad through all of this stress but it's been too painful to go to his grave because some wicked and heartless people stole half of the fence that we put around his grave! But I'm very grateful for my mum and I know that she will help him with his routine and to see the importance of the gift that he's been given, as she's a retired teacher. It'll help me as well, so that I can concentrate on my work and not have to keep getting up to check that he's logged into his next lesson, and isn't trying to doze off or go on Netflix or the Playstation. He won't have those things at my mum's, so he'll be able to get focussed and as he will be spending part of the week there, we'll have some much needed time away from each other as we're living on top of each other at the moment.

You're right @AntoMac, my mum jumped at the chance to help me and told me, "Well it's just sitting there... and this is to help you and it's for my grandson's future." So I've been trying to take that all in, and not feel so guilty. It's still there, but in the same way that I'm trying my hardest to be there for my son, I realised that I wasn't allowing her to be able to that for me and so I do feel better. I can't believe you did over 400 miles in one day in the winter! And yes, I think you're right about kids and teenagers especially, it is a hard time and there's no amount of money that could make me go back to being a teenager, especially nowadays with the pressures of social media etc. But that selfishness does grate on me at times, but he knows I'm not going anywhere, so I get the brunt of his frustrations, so it's nice to be in a different environment this week and to know that we've got some time apart coming up.

Keedie

I managed to get away from the boys after dinner and went for a walk whilst they went back to the hotel room. I walked along the promenade and was able to just sit down and watch the sea for about 15 minutes then my bum went numb and the sun was starting to set so I slowly walked back. 

LittleMissDetermined

Great pictures, have a really wonderful week xx

Squirrelz92

So pleased that you are enjoying your time away even though the traffic and speed restrictions weren't all that great! Lovely photos! I have lived here for just over 3 years and only ventured to Blackpool once!