The Mental Debt Struggle...

Cherryfudge

Don't underestimate how much you are achieving! When your health isn't good, it's hard to do anything, yet you have looked after yourself and done some things that will help your long-term goals, like sending your son to get the shopping, and ordering gifts for family.

I'm not a driver and my circumstances are different, but how would the cost of taxis compare to running a car? Things may be better next winter, but sometimes it's useful to look at a worst-case scenario and plan for that. At the least, you wouldn't have to be concerned about what happens in a bad phase. You know that life is harder in colder weather, also that driving is stressful and costly, so could a taxi, or using a car sharing app give you access to driving without the downside?

I really hope you get back to better sleep soon, not sleeping is an absolute rubbish experience.

Keedie

He was very proud of his Lidl shop @PennysIntoPounds, and I was quite impressed. He even suggested that we have a think about what we want to eat in advance, and I explained that was meal planning and he said we should definitely do that. He's really shaping into an intelligent and kind hearted young man @Sun_Addict, and he does make me laugh as we have a similar sarcastic sense of humour. The teenage years are so stressful and not always very rewarding, but as he's getting older, it's getting easier in some ways.

I'd not given much thought to how I'd properly get around next winter @Cherryfudge, but you give great advice. There's a London taxi scheme that is run London Council and the local authorities for people who have disabilities and you get cheaper taxis as the local authority makes a contribution. I'll have to look into that and the Access to Work transport scheme as I won't be able to drive into work with no car, and the easiest journey is 2 buses, one of which is a long bus ride, or a bus, two different tube lines, two sets of stairs coming out of the tube and another bus to get into work. It's a lot. I think I'll need to start a pot to get saving for next year so that I have more options available to me.

I checked the Christmas presents that I'd ordered and they all seem to be really good quality for what I have paid for them so I am very happy. I'll drop my sisters to her later, as she ordered some as well and they all came to my house as she's working and I'm at home. I need to go through my monthly summary and see what progress I've made, so that I can post that later.

AntoMac

Lots to be positive about there Keedie. Getting under £10k will be a huge psychological boost and how wonderful that your son really understands your situation and is giving positive input. 

Keedie

Thanks @AntoMac, things are slowly but surely getting there.

I paid £50 to my mum today, so moving ever closer to the £9k bracket for my total debt 🎉. I also managed to sell some of my son's trainers and old coats over the last few weeks as I've been decluttering and I managed to put another £170 in the emergency fund. That'll go towards my fridge freezer along with half of the cost of living payment when it comes through. As I remembered that I needed to factor in delivery and recycling of the old fridge. I don't know if it's more economical to just get a mid-range one and know that in a few years or so it'll need to be replaced, or if I just keep saving and get a better one that won't need replacing anytime soon? I don't know if I should be kinder to current me or future me...🤨. Adulting sure does suck sometimes 😂.

I had a check-in with my GP today and she's signed me off until 2 January 2024, as I told her that I am going to try and go back to work in January. We've also discussed the possibility of increasing my bipolar medication, and she's going to speak to my old community mental health team and see what they advise. She also said we'll have a check-in nearer the time and then see if I'm in a position to do a phased return to work. My sisters and my son keep asking me when I'm going back to work, and their questions are making me really anxious and frustrated. I don't enjoy feeling broken and struggling on a daily basis. And I'm not rushing back into an environment that I find incredibly toxic and stressful. But apparently, I don't appear to be that sick (whatever that means 🙄). I think sometimes those closest to us get so used to us being ill or struggling but getting on with things, that they don't always see the full extent of how much things are difficult. As it just becomes another layer of your existence or personality I guess 🤷🏾‍♀️.

One of my sisters is very worried for my job, and how much it is costing my employer for me to be off and to pay for additional staff. She thinks they'll try and get rid of me. I don't particularly care about the financial impact on them as we've been severely short staffed since our service was created, which led to a lot of the stress in the first place! They now have two full time members of staff managing the workload that I was doing part time on my own... Just shows how much they were exploiting me and I was letting them 😤. So if they are now adequately resourcing a service that they launched initially with the incorrect headcount, then it's about time. I won't be compromising my mental health to go back to work in a rush because it'll save them money. But she does have a point in that I could lose my job. But sometimes I wonder if that would even be the worst thing in the world?? Touch wood, I'm not tempting fate. I'd prefer to leave than be dismissed, but I must say, it's not enough of an incentive to go rushing back there before I've recovered enough to implement and maintain boundaries for a work/life balance.

I contacted the Access to Work service called Maximus that provides 9 months of support to help people with poor mental health, get into or remain in work. So I am hoping that they can give me some tips and support to help with the transition when I do go back. 

I've been thinking about what I'm doing in 2024 financially, and I figured I need to find a way to reduce my monthly bills. I'm definitely going to cut back on subscriptions as I won't renew most of them once their current year has finished. So they'll drop off at various points in 2024. And I found out that I can get an Amazon Prime Duo account, which is a personal account that I can link for free to a business one and benefit from business pricing and deals etc. And I realised that if I did do that, when the Prime membership renews on 1 August 2024, I can claim it as a business expense, which is rather handy.

I'm a bit anxious about returning to work and I figured, just in case I go back and can't actually handle it and need to quit, then I need some sort of contingency fund. So if I reduce my overall monthly bills and save for things like water rates, TV licence, my Kindle Unlimited subscription so that I have a yearly amount, then that will keep my monthly bills lower. And I need to save for half of my monthly debt payment for a period of say 6 months, so that would take the pressure off if I need to find another job.

I think savings in 2024, considering my tenuous employment status, instead of blitzing debt repayments, is the safer thing to do. Psychologically I'd absolutely love to be completely debt free, and free from that burden and as quick as possible. But on a mental health standpoint, I need to have the flexibility to adapt if I can't cope, and be kind to myself on a day to day basis. There's no point having no debts but not having done the much needed work on my mental health that led to such debts in the first place. Being debt free will undoubtedly be a massive relief and I'm desperate to be able to have that as my reality, but not at the expense of losing myself along the way. It really is The Mental Debt Struggle huh?

Cherryfudge

Hi Keedie, we definitely have work-related stress in common. My mental health broke down earlier this year over a mixture of work pressures and a particular incident , but the union has since told me I was being asked to work above the terms of my contract and could have refused - though knowing the place as I do, they couldn't have continued without people doing more than they were contracted to.

Long story short: I'm still on a sick note, but it applies only to specifics around the old job. I resigned in the end: my contract runs out later this month and until then I'm on half pay. I'm also starting a new job next week: a relief post, so fewer hours but I have no qualms abut it as I'll be in control of what hours I work and the job itself sounds like something I'll enjoy.

I've had all sorts of counselling and it's helped to some extent, but the most helpful thing has been not having to be at that place of work. I'm really sad to leave in many ways - it used to be my perfect job, but I can see now that aspects had changed over several years. Resigning was actually the best step I could have made for my wellbeing, as it's enabling me to move on and disengage with the pressures that are deeply embedded in any association with them. I'm in a position to have funds to fall back on and another income in the house, which of course takes a lot of the pressure off, as does having a new post to look forward to.

I suppose what I'm saying is - what if you had a different job? What's keeping you in this one, and is it something you could take control over? Would it be worth keeping a lookout for something else? Not necessarily in the same field as at present - you are bound to have transferrable skills. Could you perhaps coach students, or something like that?

Keedie

Thank you so much @Cherryfudge for your insight and encouragement. I'm glad that you've found another job, that will allow you to have more of a balance. I'm terrified of going to an interview and I can't handle trying to fill in application forms, so job hunting isn't a reality for me right now. There isn't anything specific keeping me there to be honest, I like my colleagues but not the work itself. But if I only did what I was employed to do, then I wouldn't find it stressful (boring, but not stressful), and it wouldn't be so detrimental. 

I like the routine of having a job and the structure it gives me, although mentally and physically, it is very difficult to work (in any job role). I feel like I need to go back to work so that I can almost prove to myself that I can just go to work, do my job and not over do it and establish and maintain boundaries. Otherwise, I will find myself in the same position in another job, where I over commit and work too hard and then get burnt out as I've been taken advantage of. So I'm working towards that and will see how it goes. But, if after going back it turns out that it is all too much, and the reality is that I don't need to practice with boundary setting and having a better balance in a job role that is very busy, then, I will leave sooner rather than later, whether I am in a position to line up another job or not. Part of the problem is that I've not really got any savings and my debts are hanging over my head. So I'd feel very insecure if I had no employment at all.

So I have to reconcile of all that somehow. As so much of our self-worth is often incorrectly tied in with work, and I'm not fully at the stage where I am able to successfully separate my sense of self worth as an individual and my sense of self-worth as someone who happens to do whatever job I'm doing. I know logically that being kind to myself and living life on my own terms and doing the things that I love and find intriguing or refreshing is the better way to live my life. But I've been a single parent since the day I found out I was pregnant and I've never been in a position where I've had a partner that I live with, or shared any bills with someone. It's such an alien concept to me that I could share the rent or bills with someone. And I think that has made me weirdly independent, but not necessarily in a healthy way, as I find it hard to accept help, and because I know it has always been on me, and everything is my responsibility, I've never felt comfortable enough to properly relax and do what I want to do. I've always been focussed on doing what is best for my son and my household, and having the stability of employment, even if the mental and physical cost of that stability has often been too high a cost to wager. But I'm trying to gain better perspective and understanding, and working towards having stability for myself as a person, and having more confidence that when I do eventually complete my copywriting and proofreading courses, and I am certified, I will be able to get clients and work. Ideally, I'd be part time freelancer, and work when I'm able to do so, but there's a few things I will have to have in place before before that becomes reality.

I've been pondering all of my options in the last few days to the point where I've not slept much. But I think I'm slowly approaching a conclusion. My friend advised that I reduce my budget to fit what I would have as income if I didn't have a job and my only source of income was universal credit, PIP and child benefit, that way, should I be unable to work, I am able to survive. I took his advice and sat down and did just that. I am £99 over that budget amount but not sweating it. So my aim for the next few months, is to live on that reduced budget and save the difference between that amount and my actual total income. That should hopefully help me to save up for things like paying the water rates in full, having the TV licence sorted, saving up for my subscriptions etc, so that my monthly fixed expenses are lower. I'll then work out what extra goes towards debt reduction as well.

I think I'll play around on Canva this weekend and make some savings challenges to help me to stay motivated with it all.

Keedie

October 2023 Financial Summary

Starting Balance = £10,600 | Amount Repaid = £300 (1.33%) | Closing Balance = £10,300
Total Repaid to Date = £12,273.30 (54.37%)

Bank of Mum 3 (school fees)
Starting Balance = £2,600 | Amount Repaid = £50 (1.92% repaid) | Closing Balance = £2,550 | Total Repaid to Date= £2,250 (46.88% repaid)
This debt still bothers me the most although it's like 1/4 of my Barclaycard debt as I don't like owing my mum money. But I will keep plugging away at it all, and hope to get into a position where I can make overpayments once I get on top of my new budget and start to save.

Barclaycard
Starting Balance = £8,000 | Amount Repaid = £250 (3.13% repaid) | Closing Balance = £7,750 | Total Repaid to Date = £4,346.23 (35.93% repaid)
I'll keep paying the direct debit of £250 and eventually, the gap between the minimum payment and the payment amount will grow bigger and bigger. Then I'll be in a position where I am given another money transfer offer, which I will need between September 2024 to December 2024, so that I can use it to extend the interest free period on this card whilst I pay it off. Depending on the amount I owe my mum at that time, I might also borrow enough to repay the last amount to her as a lump sum.

Debt Free 2023 Target = £6,000
Amount Repaid = £5,622.88/£6,000 (93.71% cleared)

Debt Reflection vs Savings Focus

I've gone from one savings goal (emergency fund) and one debt goal (the debt buster pot), to literally just focussing on the emergency fund 🤦🏾‍♀️.

1. Emergency Fund = £848.94/£750 (113.19% saved) ~ target date of 31 December 2023
Although this appears to be overly funded and exceeding my £750 target, I'm not celebrating as I will be using the money to buy my fridge freezer. I'll then see what I'm left with, and then keep saving again to reach the original £750 target. I didn't see the point in having multiple savings for different things, I was getting confused, so just one bucket of money will work for now. I also need a new cooker at some point, but Keedie 2024's problem, as Keedie 2023 (yes I am referring to myself in the third person 🫣), will just be so happy with a fridge for now. 

Once I get Christmas out of the way, I'll be able to have a better think about what I am doing debt and savings wise, and by then I should also have a plan for off setting and reducing my monthly bills.

Cherryfudge

Hi Keedie, you explain it beautifully and I can understand why you choose to remain where you are, at least until you've given it another try. Proofreading is something I've seriously considered as well. My husband thinks I would have difficulty getting myself started on projects (he may be right, it's the ADHD) and I think I'd find it hard touting for custom, but they are just skills to learn. I could see you doing well at it and it would be an income stream.

I wonder it it would help to get your CV together in a form that you can pull out chunks to cut and paste (why do employers always want slightly different details?) You could tackle that as and when, and I think it could be an empowering project as you clearly have valuable work skills. And don't forget the soft skills! You may not need it, if the situation improves at your workplace, and your occupational health may also be on your side, by restricting pressures on you, but it puts you in a stronger position to know what you are worth. You could even have a secret sub-folder to it of 'things I won't accept' and 'skills and abilities I'd like but don't have'!)

Re the fridge, it may be worth googling for grants for white goods. After all you have health issues and an under-18 year old living with you. They vary from area to area but it can't hurt to try. And a good working fridge is a step towards peace of mind in itself. (Actually, the only thing I'd add to your friend's advice is to search for anything else you may be entitled to).

Aimingforthegoodlife

Hi Keedie,

It has been a while and as always, I am blown away by your progress and mindset! You are incredible! I totally get what you mean re: work = worth. My hubby ended up with Depression and Anxiety when taking some time out to look at working for himself, we realised, it was brought about by the fact he could only see his value as a worker. It is so hard when we are told our whole lives that work is the only measurement of value. When in reality, our worth is so much more than our jobs! Iweigh (Jameela Jamil) talks about what we 'weigh' that isn't our weight, and I think this is similar. I can see so much value in you, wonderful mum, thoughtful, generous, a fighter, resourceful etc, I could go on and as I don't know you in real life, this is just pulled from reading this diary! Do whatever you need to do, to look after you. I think you were spot on about others not noticing how hard you struggle to do what others do, that becomes their norm so they forget the struggle it takes to function!

Oh, may be worth looking at a refurb place, we have a local centre which takes in all sorts of furniture and white goods, sorts it out, and sells them on with a warranty, not new but in good nick!

Keedie

I like the idea of a 'things I won't accept' and a 'skills and abilities that I'd like but I don't have' list @Cherryfudge! That would actually make all the difference if I break it down like that. It's quite overwhelming to think of it as an overall change that is required, but if for smaller things, then it's helpful to do this. The occupational health department is very supportive and helpful, and I'll need to speak to them again in the new year or in the run up to Christmas.

People always ask me to proofread or rewrite their work or essays etc, so I know that I would find that type of work much more interesting that working in HR. But I'm quite self conscious about trying to get clients, especially as it's a whole new career and line of work. But thanks for the vote of confidence about my skillset Cherryfudge and @Aimingforthegoodlife, you're both very kind and I find your support invaluable. I do find life very difficult most of the time, but this is the hand I have been dealt, and so I just try to do the best that I can. But it's very touching to know that people although we've never met in real life, still think I'm a nice person. 

I'll have a look into white goods grants and refurbished items. When I got my first flat, I had just come off income support and so I qualified for a referral to a second hand furniture warehouse and I got my bookshelves and sofa from there for really cheap. I'd forgotten about that as it was 16 years ago, but thanks for the reminder.

I went to the bank yesterday and deposited all of the coins that I had at home and it came up to £78.33. I'd initially put it all towards my son's 18th, but then I changed my mind and put the equivalent of all of the £2 coins which was £40 in total towards my Debt Buster pot. So that's going to slowly build up and I'll make an overpayment when it reaches £250. 

I can see that my £300 cost of living payment is due to arrive on Tuesday as Monzo shows you payments coming in and out of the account up to 4 days in advance. I think I've worked out what will help me the most in the coming weeks/months so that I use it wisely and don't frit it away.

* £50 towards my Octopus credit (£250 remaining) as the central heating is on for longer and longer each week and there's £541.93 credit but it won't last the winter. I'm also using the electric blanket on my bed and the heated throw all the time. Usually by December I have the heating on from morning to until the evening and then by January it's on 24/7. I like to keep my costs low in the summer months whilst still paying the same amount so that I start the winter with as much credit as I can.

* £50 aside for Christmas food (£200 remaining) as it hadn't occurred to me to budget for that 🤦🏾‍♀️.

* £30 towards birthdays (£170 remaining) as I have 5 family members with birthdays all in a 4 week period from January to February and I've been trying to deal with Christmas and pretending that they're not coming up fast.

* £20 towards a slow cooker (£150 remaining) as everyone swears by slow cookers for hassle free cooking which I really need to get on top of.

* £150 towards the fridge/emergency fund, so that once I get the fridge, I'll still have some back up money in the emergency fund as I'm planning on using that to replace the fridge freezer. If by some miracle there are really good Black Friday or Boxing Day sales, then I might be able to replace the cooker as well as the oven is not working properly and takes a very long time to cook things.