Money Moral Dilemma: Should we leave our friend out of rounds at the pub?

bikaga

When I first moved here, I was pulled into rounds at work drinks by people who drank WAY more and faster than me. I asked them not to buy me drinks because I couldn't keep up, yet they insisted, then complained when I was "too slow to buy the round" because I wasn't even half through my drink yet and had (OH MY GOD) forgotten to check if someone at the table was approaching empty on their Stella. Round culture can be super pushy and not always fair.
Having said that, I don't know if anyone's pushed a drink on your friend or if they're taking advantage. As others have said, best to talk to them 1:1 in case there's something you don't know. If not, I'd leave them out of the rounds.

Marvel1

Wait until he comes back.

KaelaLee88

I would discuss it privately with the group to gauge their feelings and then address the issue privately (take another person he is close to, to witness/support) and broach the issue directly. This doesn't have to be a big deal, just find out his thoughts and establish a boundary. It's his choice whether he wishes to come along in the future or not but let him know he is welcome. If he is having financial difficulty, perhaps you would be the ideal person to walk with him into some debt help x

Mrs_Pigley

Friendships come in many shapes and sizes. From the very best friends that you would trust them to save your life, to someone who is sociable in whatever setting you regularly find yourself with them. You need to establish where on this continuum this person sits. The chances are the life saver is very close and you’ll know their personal circumstances. The socialite on the other hand you will not. The life saver would willingly accept you pointing out the situation and do something about it. The socialite perhaps needs to be spoken to in a private moment. If the person is a friend, albeit a socialite, you can help them in the most supportive way, which may mean you explain to the others, when the socialite absents themselves what the issues are and all agree a strategy to help. 

FreedomBringsPeace

Hi yes he may have debt problems. But to drink rounds then get up and leave is selfish and cunning. He could choose to socialuse and buy himself a coke. Unless hes buying the first round im sorry im not doing it. Or for a few weeks everyone buy their own drinks. See how that pans out. 

phillw

I had the same problem as he does, but at work events (so not exactly friends). My drinks were cheap, I would only want one soft drink for the entire time. While they would be drinking a lot of alcohol.

If I said I just wanted to buy my own, they would make fun of me and then "go on, let me buy you a drink".

Eventually I let them, to shut them up, and then had to put up with them moaning I never bought a round. But I'm not going to spend £100 on a round just to get one drink.

If you don't know if your friend can afford to buy drinks, then you're not their friend.

He obviously isn't comfortable doing rounds and frankly, I have no idea why anybody is.

gettingtheresometime

I have a similar dilemma to phillw.....I've been going out with a group of people & for  various reasons, it's been decided that we'll have a kitty.

this is all very well but the others are drinking pints & I'm on soft drinks....I know I can't even try arriving late as i tried that, when we were buying rounds, & someone had a drink ready & waiting for me.

MalMonroe

As a single parent I could never afford to buy rounds for my friends and also I had to drive to the venue so never drank alcohol. I just loved to (still do) meet up with my pals. They would have a kitty but after I'd explained my position - struggling as a single mum and driving - they understood and I was never expected to participate. It didn't spoil anyone's enjoyment of a good night out. They'd get my bottle of mineral water separately and sometimes just paid for it anyway but I never expected that.

Men always appear to like being 'blokey' and getting rounds in for each other and criticise those who don't participate but sometimes it's not possible. Has anyone ever had a quiet word, asked him if there are any problems and told him that it's not fair for him to dodge his turn IF he isn't struggling? If he can't tell his mates he's got a problem it's a pretty poor do, though.

If you've asked him nicely and he hasn't been able to tell you why he won't participate in your round-buying, then you should just say it's not fair and he'll have to get his own drinks from now on. Just talk to him. Properly. 

I think it's a daft custom anyway.

NSJ9

In most cases in my experience of similar situations, these people/friends are "mean" and not broke and often do not respond to any kind of pressure or encouragement. Staying friends is ok, but after a while I would probably exclude them from gatherings were they can exploit the goodwill and fairness of others (eg night out at the pub). 

neilmorgan

canaldumidi said:

He's either mean/tight, or broke/hard up.

If the former, you need to force the issue.

If the latter you need todecide what 'friendship' means and maybe just accept that his visits to the loo are his embarrassed way to avoid spending what he does not have.

I remember as a student being unable to physicaly keep up with rounds of pints. I used to always drink halves, and felt there was a certain unfairness that when it was my round I bought everyone a pint, but for the sake of fitting in I went along with it.

Nowadays I'd probably just buy my own drinks, but peer pressure, and youth, can make that hard.

Like you, I only drank halves but even then I only drank a pint in the whole evening so I just explained I don't drink much and didn't join the rounds. On one occasion someone decided, after I was already on my second half, that I should drink more and bought a pint which he put in front of me. I didn't drink it and never went to a pub with him again, though we did meet up elsewhere including each other's homes.

At work I just gave up going on social events for many years because of relentless attempts at peer pressure. The driving laws eventually changed things and I simply said I was driving even when I wasn't.

Years later I worked with mainly women who invited me initially on a "girls night out" and never pressured me to drink and when we went out for meals they usually split the wine bill between them and the food bill between all of us.

Peer pressure can be an awful thing and, especially with alcohol, people don't even realise how selfish they are being whilst they think you are doing something wrong. Peer pressure is often a form of bullying.