Where to focus - mortgage, renovations etc?

shellstar

Thanks all, I agree, much easier to take the hit and move on. Completely galling in the first instance, but hopefully I won't even care in the greater scheme of things. 

Still not 100% sure if ex-DP is coming this weekend. I am assuming he is. My DS did really well with his key worker the weekend just gone as I had to be online all day Saturday to finish my course. He went in without a backward glance and was really happy when I picked him up. I really hope though that his Dad does agree to have him for 2 hours before and after the childminder for me on those study weekends as otherwise it's such a long day for him.

So my foundation course is done and I'm now all set to start the main course in October. GULP! I find the whole thing a bit of an emotional roller coaster. All that time away from my DS, in the hope that once qualified I will have more time with him. All that money to transition to a career where I will likely earn less, but I'll earn more per hour and it will give me that time I need and want with my son. Guilt, excitement, trepidation. I just hope when my son is older he will forgive and understand. Plus it's clear he had a wonderful time with key worker and her son is the closest thing he has to a best friend so I try to think of it as time that is also good for him, and super fun as well.  

My therapist had to cancel our session this week but on the plus side - I've repurposed the money and hit my emergency fund target for the month. Whoo hoo! 

shellstar

Some biggish news. The weekend was fairly horrific with behaviour I genuinely never even dreamed the ex-DP would ever exhibit. He rocked up after a month, went straight to the pub without seeing his DS, came back at 11pm wasted and almost waking DS, crying about all the things he's upset about but won't get help for. I told him that whilst I care, I have to put DS and myself first now, and he can't behave this way around us. So the next day Ex-DP agreed to officially move out and also to drop the price. He had previously been adamant he wouldn't do that. He's only agreed to drop it at the end of the month but still, that is progress. He hasn't agreed to get help. There is nothing I can do for him there and I have to put DS first. He can't lay all of this down in the place his son sleeps. It is a very sad situation. It honestly spins my head when I think about how we began and where we were now. Look after your mental health folks. 

So we'll be dropping it to what we paid for it 4 years ago. I'm seeing a lot of houses drop their prices, and also withdraw from the market and so I know I can afford what I need still. However, below that price I definitely can't and we have agreed we will keep the house, I'll do the work (once a deed of trust is signed) and we'd revisit once DS has finished primary school. Of course, that is definitely not Plan A. Fingers crossed it actually sells. We need a clean break. 

The other good outcome is he's also agreed to pay child support from now on. Despite not being here much, he previously refused because we were still 'co-habiting'. At the time, it wasn't a huge problem because with bills and childcare, most months he was probably paying more than child support would be and this was his choice. However, now my son qualifies for the 30 free hours that is definitely not the case. So I am taking over all the bills, and he is going to pay child support and his half of the mortgage. This means most months I should be better off, apart from during the school summer holidays when DS won't get the free hours. I can plan ahead for those though. I've also applied for the single person discount on the council tax. I'm hoping that comes through in time for us to move to this new arrangement financially in October. 

It's been a draining weekend. It sometimes feels like death by a thousand cuts. Even though I'm 100% set on my path, it's still upsetting to have him finally go, and still upsetting to just be slowly losing the life I thought I was building, even if I know my future will be just as bright. I am wiped and the thought of getting the house ready for more viewings again is a little overwhelming, not least because I have some more work travel coming up and I always find it difficult to be away from DS. Still - forward momentum. Finally my home is my own without a black cloud descending every other weekend (he's still coming, but just to see DS, hopefully take him out to the park or something and more importantly, he'll be leaving as soon as my son is asleep. Hopefully that time will now be of a higher quality than he's previously given him). 

So this week I need to get ready for the trip, and honestly focus on some self care. 

debtfreewannabe321

Firstly good luck with starting the main course I think you'll be fabulous at it 💪🏻.
And secondly I'm sorry your ex DP has put you in that awkward position. But at least he's agreed to move out now and pay halves on the mortgage and CS too. That's more than a lot will voluntarily offer. 
I hope the house at it's reduced price will sell and you get that clean break you're after 🤞🏻.

shellstar

@debtfreewannabe321 thank you. I'm looking forward to taking my first steps towards the future. 

Sadly I think you are right. Isn't it crazy that I should consider myself lucky that ex-DP is willing to contribute to his contractual obligation on a shared asset, and meet his legal (and moral) responsibility to make minimum payment to contribute to the needs of his actual child. It doesn't even cover half the costs it takes to look after him (which is ok for me, as I have a good income and can make up the shortfall. For those where that isn't the case, I'm so sorry. It's disgusting if they can and don't contribute.  

shellstar

First month under the new regime. I am paying all bills and Ex-DP is paying half the mortgage and child support. Took a while to agree the amount. He didn't realise it would include ALL income (including from his rental property) and be based on gross pay. 'The system is designed by a single mum'. If it was, you wouldn't be able to outsource your responsibilities, I silently thought! 

Still, the money does mean there is a surplus I can save. I also got cashback from the house insurance I renewed in July and so I transferred £71.99 from Qu1dc0 to the emergency fund. My bank account is also paying cashback  monthly (£5) and interest on the money in the account throughout the month (£6.03). I also changed my ISA to a higher interest one and that got me an extra £116.39 this month. Sadly, the premium bonds didn't pay out this month. First time in ages actually, I usually get something. I've applied for the single person discount at the council and I'm told that is in place but it wasn't applied for this month. Fingers crossed for next. 

So overall I saved £448.52 to my various pots - new glasses fund, retraining fund, moving fund, emergency fund, future new mobile (won't need one for a couple of years but might as well start) and the holiday fund. I don't know if we will go on holiday next year but the childminder will take some annual leave at some point and it will be good to have the option, or money to go out and about a bit more. It's clear I do need to find ways to reduce my outgoings though. Overall, I do need the child support to cover essential costs and that isn't a great place to be. I guess once DS is in school and I don't have full time childcare to pay for, things will be better aligned. 

Although Ex-DP has now agreed to move out (though no sign he'll be removing any of his belongings any time soon) he has backtracked on reducing the price of the house. I've made clear I won't be paying for any of the work needed unless we're keeping the house and we have a deed of trust in place. There is a viewing today, so maybe we will get lucky and sell after all, but I'm not convinced. At least I do like living here, but I've also pointed out that this is my full time reality, I'm not dipping in and out of here and being in limbo is a horrible place to leave someone. It was clear he hadn't given that any thought at all, and did agree that was less than ideal for me. I've agreed to keep the house on the market whilst there is this trickle of viewings but if we get 2 weeks with none, we'll take it off. We'll then try again in the spring (he thinks the problem is the time of year) and if it doesn't sell by June, we will keep the house. I will live here with DS, we'll get a deed of trust, we'll do the work and then sell once DS finishes primary school. This is not my favourite plan as I think we'd struggle to agree how to do the work needed. For example, he thinks we just need new cupboard doors in the kitchen, when in reality there are layout issues, the fridge freezer is in the utility, the work surfaces are warped and most of the carcasses are broken in one way or another. 

I hope it doesn't come to that. I also hope he does stick to that plan if that's the way things go, although I still think it would be better to drop the price and have a clean break. I'm not convinced his military career has too much further to go (due to physical and mental health problems) and whilst he can reduce his child support, he can't reduce his mortgage contribution if his income falls. 

Oh well. My therapist has invited me to live more in the 'What is' than the 'What if'. Not my strong suit, as I'm sure you can tell. I have my two bestest friends from university coming to visit tonight, staying until Sunday. They are leaving their kids behind, so it's just the 3 of us, a two year old and dog. It's going to be lovely. 

shellstar

Quick money saving Q - I've just paid for the boiler service. I'm not on a plan of any kind and it was £99. I'm in Oxfordshire. Is that reasonable? Should I be looking to reduce that for next year, or entering some kind of plan? Thoughts welcome, or let me know which Board or article I should research this on.

Working_Mum

It sounds like you're making progress on many fronts shellstar - keep on trucking and you'll be amazed at how far you'll travel!

Your therapist talks sense - do your utmost to reprogramme your thinking. Your future self will be very grateful.

I paid £90 for a boiler service recently and I am in the East Yorkshire.

I hope you know how well you doing, you should be proud on many levels.

((hugs))

WM

shellstar

Nothing to add money wise in particular. It's been a slightly spendy month because I saw the gift I was planning to get DS for Christmas on sale, but I had planned to get it in the black Friday sales so I got it any way (it was a very good offer) and will have to re-configure the budget to absorb the extra spend. Should iron out as I'll no longer be spending that in November. 

Biggest thing is that tomorrow is the start of my course! DS is threatening to come down with something and I feel like I'm fighting something off but hopefully we'll both stay healthy enough - really don't want to miss the first weekend. He woke up at 4.20am this morning and was very fractious for a while. At one point he was crying but when I looked on the monitor, he was just frustrated with the position of his pillow and as soon as he sorted it (which did take a few mins to be fair) he was fine. We both went back to sleep eventually.

Fingers crossed for a solid, uninterrupted sleep! I've got night before the first day of school vibes. I've packed DSs bag for the weekend and tonight I'll be making my packed lunch.

shellstar

Pay day was last week but bills and child support etc. come on the 1st so I tend to do most of my planning then. 

I got a whopping £625 from the premium bonds, way more than I've ever had before so that was nice and I've put it all into savings. I put most of it against my new glasses pot so that is now full (I have bad eyesight, so I need the thinned lenses and varifocals etc so they cost a bomb). As that is now fully funded I will likely get new ones next year or whenever DS finally manages to break these ones. Grabbing mummy's glasses is both fun and what he sometimes tries to do if he's cross with me. Charming.

I've also been aware for a while that there is a big surplus building up with my energy provider. I submitted new readings (I have a smart meter installed - it has never worked across two providers. Apparently the targets are about installation, not effectiveness). That meant the surplus shot up to £858.44!! I asked ChatGPT to help me work out a reasonable buffer for the time of year, my future payments etc. and it recommended a refund of £600, so that is what I've asked for. I will split that between the home moving and the home renovation pot. So I'm actually doing really well. 

We've dropped the price by 2% to hit the algorithms. It was the compromise with ex-DP. it has so far led to two viewing, both of whom have said the house is too small. I would have thought the size of the house would be clear on the floor plan but maybe not everybody checks that. I don't go on photos cos they always use those wide angle lenses to make things look bigger. 

Anyway, nothing since then. I am not expecting anything until maybe after the budget now. We shall see. 

I've done some big rejigging of my savings pots. I decided that as my biggest priority (and the thing I can most control and therefore is more likely to happen) is career transition, focusing on that is the main thing. I suspect there will be a period where I am not earning much or work is uncertain, so I want to have a years worth of expenses set aside. I've based this on full childcare and a mortgage of £1900 per month. In reality, I probably can't transition until my son is in school as I won't qualify before, and also I don't plan to have a house that is costing me that much per month, but you never know, so that is the target. I therefore took all of the money I set aside for moving and put it against this transition fund. This greatly reduces my house budget, but then that also means the mortgage would be smaller so that's something I can live with. Smaller house - easier to clean. If I even get to move. Who knows. 

So, current pots are: 

New glasses - £450. Fully funded
New phone - £10. Not sure what I'm aiming for here but good to have something
Psychotherapy course - £25485,95. Fully funded based on current course prices for the 5 years.
Emergency/Career transition fund - £47,634.13. Fully funded. 1 year of expenses
Home buying/moving fund - £300. From the energy refund. Doing big, worst case scenario handfuls I estimate I need £32,500 to cover ALL moving costs, including stamp duty, EA fees etc. In reality, most of this will come from the sale but good to have a goal
Home renovation fund - £8,542.95 - for this house if I have to stay. Ex-DP will be responsible for half of any work done as well. We do need more to finish the house if I am staying, but that can be dealt with later. 

So well done me. Not a bad spot to be in. I do get super frustrated being stuck here and not being able to have the clean break from Ex-DP in terms of finances, but things could be a lot, lot worse and I'm very grateful that it was clear so early on that Ex-DP was not going to be present. I went straight into frugal mode at the beginning of my maternity leave and this, plus the redundancy money meant that despite being out of work for 5 months, I've been able to keep things so stable and actually build up such big pots. Once I've transitioned career my next goal will be to get expenses down to a level where I don't need the child support to be able to save. As I said before, I think there is a risk that money could go one day so I don't want to be reliant on it. Not really possible whilst DS is in childcare though. 

shellstar

We had an offer on the house! Unfortunately, it is waaaaay below the asking price (like, hugely!), which surprised me because we are listed as offers over and the offer is a lot less than we even paid for the house. I can't believe the market has fallen so far since we bought the place 4 years ago, when you consider we have actually done a lot of the work, even if it's not finished. What we paid is also something easy to google and something I personally usually do before I even view a house so I'm not sure what they were expecting. I do wonder if the EA has told them its a separation and so maybe they think we are desperate and it's a chance for a cheeky offer/bargain hunt? Who knows. 

I rejected it because to be honest, at that offer it would be cheaper to do the work and then sell the place for what we paid, which the EA agreed with. Fingers crossed it was an opening gambit and they come back with something more sensible but we shall see. I've never received an offer so much lower than the asking before. I was really taken aback. Also, these people viewed before and said the house needed too much work and was also too small, so I'm not sure why they are back. Agent says they have sold their house now and have kept coming back to my house because of it's location. I can absolutely understand that. The location is wonderful. I love living here - and I paid to do so! At least at the moment there are no other houses on the market in the village even vaguely in this price range. The rest are either small retirement properties (there is a lovely retirement village in the heart - I hope one day I can come back and retire there) or well over £1million, and even then there aren't that many for sale. The other similar properties have all withdrawn without sale, which I guess is why these people are making a cheeky offer. To be honest though, if the sale means I can't afford something for DS and I, then I will happily stay. Now Ex-DP has moved out, it will be easier to live here I think. 

He was due to visit at the weekend and when I contacted to ask when to expect his arrival, turned out he'd forgotten. He just replied 'Sorry, I f'ed up there'. Nothing else. No 'I'm on my way now' or 'I'll come tomorrow or next weekend instead'. Nothing further. 

I'm going to stop telling my DS when Daddy is coming. He doesn't really understand the concept of Daddy and he didn't seem bothered that I said he was coming or that I said he wasn't later. Too young I guess. It amazes me how disinterested someone can be to their own child, that they spent years going through expensive, stressful and emotional infertility treatment for.