Issues with 18 year old at home

theatretony

itzmee said:

OP did your son have a child trust fund?  If so then the old statements should show his NI no. on them as his unique reference number.  My 19 year old son discovered this when he checked his CTF statement, we had had his NI no since he was a baby without realising it!

They do have one and they had all the information given to them, but they lost it.  Have told them how to find it and where to go but still waiting!!

RogerBareford said:

This is the biggest issue here you need to sit down and go through how much money you both get and work out a proper budget. It shouldn't be you paying all the bills from your wages and her deciding that all the benefit money is "hers", if you work and live together as a couple then it will be a joint claim so the benefits will be both your money surely?.

You've dropped the ball big time with your financial situation and let your partner and children walk all over you.

You need to sit down with your partner and sort out a budget ASAP.

I have done some sums, and as we are, we can manage, but I am going to tell her to give me £250 from her 'income' every month - which means after the bills/debt, I will have £250 for me per month which I will probably save some and then treat myself to some theatre shows every now and then.

Just working the courage to tell her this, without her getting upset, as I do not think she realised she has a gambling problem and she needs to cut down.  I am happy for her to play online bingo, just not to the extent she currently is.

Spendless

theatretony said:

itzmee said:

OP did your son have a child trust fund?  If so then the old statements should show his NI no. on them as his unique reference number.  My 19 year old son discovered this when he checked his CTF statement, we had had his NI no since he was a baby without realising it!

They do have one and they had all the information given to them, but they lost it.  Have told them how to find it and where to go but still waiting!!

RogerBareford said:

This is the biggest issue here you need to sit down and go through how much money you both get and work out a proper budget. It shouldn't be you paying all the bills from your wages and her deciding that all the benefit money is "hers", if you work and live together as a couple then it will be a joint claim so the benefits will be both your money surely?.

You've dropped the ball big time with your financial situation and let your partner and children walk all over you.

You need to sit down with your partner and sort out a budget ASAP.

I have done some sums, and as we are, we can manage, but I am going to tell her to give me £250 from her 'income' every month - which means after the bills/debt, I will have £250 for me per month which I will probably save some and then treat myself to some theatre shows every now and then.

Just working the courage to tell her this, without her getting upset, as I do not think she realised she has a gambling problem and she needs to cut down.  I am happy for her to play online bingo, just not to the extent she currently is.

But by your own admission your child has MH issues that could possibly affect reasoning. Saying you don't need your NI number to start a job you can look later (not always true) or how to find a lost CTF possibly isn't enough support they currently need.

Eg I'm pretty certain my 19yo has overpaid tax in the last year, especially as she was working 2 overlapping jobs last summer. To just say you claim it back, it's on this website wouldn't be sufficient. She'd get confused.  What her Dad has said is I need you coming to me with some details and we'll look at this together to see if we can get you some money back. Now that doesn't mean she's useless at everything, she's done her own UCAS  and applications 2 years running, unlike her older brother did at the same age but he'd understand a tax rebate better. 

Put some more involvement in. You don't have to do it for them. You don't have to just leave them to it. You could guide them. 

theatretony

Spendless said:

Put some more involvement in. You don't have to do it for them. You don't have to just leave them to it. You could guide them. 

I have guided them, I have told then which bank to go to get the CTF and where it is, as they are in the city centre more than I am, and their college is in the city centre so they can go there straight after college.  Where they need to go to get the NI Number, including maps and what they need to do, sent them details and direct numbers to get the NI number if they want to phone. They did call but got bored of waiting after 20 minutes... I have done everything possible to make it as easy as possible, but they would rather just do nothing and stay in their room. I have done as much as I can without actually doing it myself.
We know the 18 year old is lazy and would rather everyone else do things for them, and I know they can sort it out themselves MH or not.

Mojisola

theatretony said:

I have done everything possible to make it as easy as possible, but they would rather just do nothing and stay in their room. I have done as much as I can without actually doing it myself.
We know the 18 year old is lazy and would rather everyone else do things for them, and I know they can sort it out themselves MH or not.

But they can only do that because the parents are enabling them - food, washing, cleaning, phone paid for, internet paid for, etc.

You are in a very difficult situation because your wife is working against you - the only way out of this is for you to put yourself first for once and let the other two sink or swim.

The chances are that once your wife finds life isn't so comfortable when you stop paying all the bills, she won't be so easy on your child.

london21

theatretony said:

Ok, so we have an 18 year old living at home. Spends 99% of time upstairs in their room playing Xbox and goes to college (when they feel like it, and if they do they are always late) and from conversations has no interest in getting a job. Will eat loads (had a full tea last night, then had a huge bowl of cereal after and then took more snacks upstairs) and wants cash for things

Issues I am having is my other half gives no support for this.  I keep explaining to them that they either attend college all the time or get a job. My other half then says, that as we are getting child benefit for them we should not push them into doing things.  My other half likes the 'easy life', but I want to teach life skills, but always get kicked back whenever I try to instil some rules.

I work and pay for everything, but my other half gets the CB and other benefits, all my salary goes on mortgage and bills, food debts and bus tickets for 18 year old to get to college. I pay all mobile bills for eldest as well, so I never have any cash to do anything I like despite being on a good salary.  I think I spend about £5-10 a month on things I like, and my other half wastes all her money on other stuff (which is another issue).

How can I get my child to start taking responsibility and getting my other half on board as I hit a brick wall whenever I try to talk to partner about this, she will not change and I do not think she realises what issues she is causing the eldest by allowing them free reign of everything. Bit of a moan, but I feel like anything I do is ignored and I feel I am only there for the money IYSYIM..

Hope that makes sense...

You will have to put your feet down and change because he will think you will always save him.

He would have to change his ways.

Either in full time employment or start work.

Has he always been like this or did something change?

thegreenone

Your other half needs to give your 18y/o the Child Benefit every week/month as their allowance to pay for phone, bus fares etc.  That's what it is for. 

You stop paying any extras and then a deep breath and talk to your partner about "rearranging household finances particularly in light of the increase in energy bills".  Set up a joint 'house' account into which you both pay to cover all the bills.  If she wishes to give extra money to 18y/o that comes out of her personal account.

Another deep breath to be prepared that partner has gambling debts.

Spendless

theatretony said:

Spendless said:

Put some more involvement in. You don't have to do it for them. You don't have to just leave them to it. You could guide them. 

I have guided them, I have told then which bank to go to get the CTF and where it is, as they are in the city centre more than I am, and their college is in the city centre so they can go there straight after college.  Where they need to go to get the NI Number, including maps and what they need to do, sent them details and direct numbers to get the NI number if they want to phone. They did call but got bored of waiting after 20 minutes... I have done everything possible to make it as easy as possible, but they would rather just do nothing and stay in their room. I have done as much as I can without actually doing it myself.
We know the 18 year old is lazy and would rather everyone else do things for them, and I know they can sort it out themselves MH or not.

Spend some time with them, not just verbally or on-line  telling them how to do it.  It's not working. You can't change anyone else just yourself.  Try a different approach. Take some time from work meet them after college, go for something to eat/drink and pop in at the same time to the bank together. You child will have to speak up at that point because it's their account. . Access to their CTF will help them.

Tbh I'd have also hung up the phone after waiting 20 minutes on a call.  Though a quick look tells me that NI numbers are not given over the phone, so I'm unsure what info you gave your son.

https://www.gov.uk/lost-national-insurance-number

This weekend, say to him, let's spend some time together and go through these things to help you. . 

RogerBareford

Spendless said:

theatretony said:

Spendless said:

Put some more involvement in. You don't have to do it for them. You don't have to just leave them to it. You could guide them. 

I have guided them, I have told then which bank to go to get the CTF and where it is, as they are in the city centre more than I am, and their college is in the city centre so they can go there straight after college.  Where they need to go to get the NI Number, including maps and what they need to do, sent them details and direct numbers to get the NI number if they want to phone. They did call but got bored of waiting after 20 minutes... I have done everything possible to make it as easy as possible, but they would rather just do nothing and stay in their room. I have done as much as I can without actually doing it myself.
We know the 18 year old is lazy and would rather everyone else do things for them, and I know they can sort it out themselves MH or not.

Spend some time with them, not just verbally or on-line  telling them how to do it.  It's not working. You can't change anyone else just yourself.  Try a different approach. Take some time from work meet them after college, go for something to eat/drink and pop in at the same time to the bank together. You child will have to speak up at that point because it's their account. . Access to their CTF will help them.

Tbh I'd have also hung up the phone after waiting 20 minutes on a call.  Though a quick look tells me that NI numbers are not given over the phone, so I'm unsure what info you gave your son.

https://www.gov.uk/lost-national-insurance-number

This weekend, say to him, let's spend some time together and go through these things to help you. . 

Why would you hand up after a 20 minute wait? You just put the phone on loudspeaker and carry on with what your doing until they answer. 20 minutes isn't that long.

Maskface

theatretony said:

itzmee said:

OP did your son have a child trust fund?  If so then the old statements should show his NI no. on them as his unique reference number.  My 19 year old son discovered this when he checked his CTF statement, we had had his NI no since he was a baby without realising it!

They do have one and they had all the information given to them, but they lost it.  Have told them how to find it and where to go but still waiting!!

RogerBareford said:

This is the biggest issue here you need to sit down and go through how much money you both get and work out a proper budget. It shouldn't be you paying all the bills from your wages and her deciding that all the benefit money is "hers", if you work and live together as a couple then it will be a joint claim so the benefits will be both your money surely?.

You've dropped the ball big time with your financial situation and let your partner and children walk all over you.

You need to sit down with your partner and sort out a budget ASAP.

I have done some sums, and as we are, we can manage, but I am going to tell her to give me £250 from her 'income' every month - which means after the bills/debt, I will have £250 for me per month which I will probably save some and then treat myself to some theatre shows every now and then.

Just working the courage to tell her this, without her getting upset, as I do not think she realised she has a gambling problem and she needs to cut down.  I am happy for her to play online bingo, just not to the extent she currently is.

Im afraid gambling addiction doesn't work like that.

diystarter7

It's a very difficult situation and one that results in a marriage break-up.
You are not alone.
You need your OH onn your side unless you are wrong which I doubt from what you have posted.
It is hard to kick out a child/adult child these days.
More worryingly they may refuse to leave.
Best to be very hard now and try not to get angry or upset.
Why is your OH not supportive, are they detached from family life and possibly looking somewhere elese?

Gambling, a new danger in recent years (online) on top of drink, drugs and crime.

Sit down and tell your child how you feel and its making you ill and will have no option but to remove them from your home.
Goes without saying that you know of the risks of kicking them out and the trouble or worse they may get into.

My wife has always insisted from the age of 16 our children worked for the extras but I was a fool and argue with her at that point but soon realised she was right. Thankfully they have worked for everything since the age of 16 unless we want to give them a present/etc. 

It's easy be soft/nice to your children but many take advanatage.