Issues with 18 year old at home

RAS

Does you OH understand where the money is going? At present, you are being the responsible one and she's abdicating responsibility. 

Are your debt's joint? If any are hers, I'd suggest making her sort it out.

Set up your own bank account and only pay in a set amount to any joint account to which she has access?

Mojisola

theatretony said:

Ok, so we have an 18 year old living at home. Spends 99% of time upstairs in their room playing Xbox and goes to college (when they feel like it, and if they do they are always late) and from conversations has no interest in getting a job. Will eat loads (had a full tea last night, then had a huge bowl of cereal after and then took more snacks upstairs) and wants cash for things

Issues I am having is my other half gives no support for this. 

It's not a problem with the 18 year old - the problem is your OH.

She is doing exactly what she wants with the money she has while you pay all the bills and your 18 year old has learnt that life can be easy and is following her example.

If she won't change and take responsibility, I can't see a future for the relationship.

Penguin_

I agree with the above, you say you OH is wasting money on bingo sites but that's only because you're paying for everything else.

TBagpuss

The real issue is with your OH.

I think that you need to sit down with them and dsicuss the family budget - try to agree on what they will contribute- e.g. y making paymentsd diretly towrds bills etc when they eceive their money.

Are they working?Do you have younger childnre as well as the 18 y.o.?

If they can't or won't discuss finacial issue with you then you are going to hav to decide whether you are willing to cntinue if things fon't chanfe, or whethr you ned to start thinking about whether the relationship has run it's course.

If yourOH s leaving you dealing wit hthe budget and covering bills , then look at how you can cut thoes to free up some money for yourself.

If you want help, post a SOA on the debt free board and people there will have suggestions about wherte you could make savings .
IDeall you and your partne would be looking at the budget together, agree what each of you will contribute and what ach of you will retain for your personal use, so you both feel it is fair, and also agree on what you will or won't pay for for your 18 yo (and if you SO then wants to pay for other things for 18 out of their own personal idscretionary spending moneym they can)

You could also try to talk directly to your 18 - treat it as an ult conversation, not ou trying to scold them ot tell them waht to do. BE open about your finacial position and the fact that you can't sibsidise them to the degree you have up until now. Be open about the debt and explain that you want to help them develop better money skills so they fon't have to learn the hard way as you have, and if you are setting boudaries such as making clear that you won't renew thei phone contract / pay for more than £xx for leisure etc, be clear and then be consistent - don't nag,just givethem whatever you've decides is th appropriate amount ad nleave it at that.

IF your partner won't discuss the finanabces and won't greee to curtain their psneding then maybe yu need to review the bank account and consider having an account in your sole name rather than joint names, and making it more difficult for your partner to over spend  on non-essentials.

Ditzy_Mitzy

It's hard to tell: is the eighteen year old your child?  I suspect not from the tone thus far, but could be wrong.  If you aren't, it's difficult because he will say 'you aren't my dad, you can't tell me what to do', or is likely to anyway.  Would his mother support him if he did say something like that?

As others have said, you seem to be in the position of cash cow.  The gambling needs to stop, of course.

Pollycat

Ditzy_Mitzy said:

It's hard to tell: is the eighteen year old your child?  I suspect not from the tone thus far, but could be wrong.  If you aren't, it's difficult because he will say 'you aren't my dad, you can't tell me what to do', or is likely to anyway.  Would his mother support him if he did say something like that?

As others have said, you seem to be in the position of cash cow.  The gambling needs to stop, of course.

I wondered the same.
Everybody seems to be having a nice life. Apart from the OP.
There seems to be no fairness in financial matters in this family.
Unless the OP takes action and puts his foot down about shared finances, it will only get worse after child benefit stops.

Spendless

Is 18yo about to enter exam season? I'm not sure from your previous post. If they are I'd not push them into finding something for the next few weeks. Do you know when their college closes for the summer? It's possibly next month. Can you go for supporting them to find a job eg helping them create a CV rather than just telling them to find one. Sometimes they do need a shove in the right direction (even if the law says they're an adult!). I've told several teens inc my own where I'd seen  vacancies  advertised and thought it would suit them and then they applied and got the job, but left to it, they'd have not noticed in the first place! 

Re - eating too much. That can be common in growing teens/young adults. My DS once invited 2 Uni mates home and between them they ate my full weeks grocery shop in 1 day! I was less than impressed, so with help on another part of this site, I changed strategies. I don't know what your 'full tea' was but I started bulking out my meals with cheap veg (onion, carrot) or la handful of lentils and upped the sides served. That and taking away the hand to mouth snacks solved it. Instead I put in place snacks that needed putting together. If they wanted more they'd do it, if they couldn't be bothered (most of the time!) they left it. It was the difference between eating because they were still hungry or for 'something to do' 

gwynlas

You could seek counselling via relate who will see one half of a couple. Your problem is with your wife not contributing to the household and supporting your adult child in being helpless. It sounds as though you are scared to confront her with the truth of the situation The college year must be coming to an end soon and course outcomes known. I do not know where you live but there are jobs in tourism and retail on offer here all the time and so most any 18 year old could get some kind of paid employment. 

Lavendyr

I don't think the "child" (who is now a fully grown adult) is the problem here. 

You need to talk to your OH. 

Keep_pedalling

I have have to agree with the others, the problem is your partner not your daughter. Time to get tough, open a sole bank account and have your wages payed into it. Get rid of any credit cards in your name that your partner has a second card she can use. Move all essential DDs to your sole account and just transfer a set amount into your joint account for household bills. Give your daughter a fixed allowance, but tell her it ends in 6 months unless she starts taking college seriously and puts some effort in.

If your partner uses up her household budget with online bingo, do not bail her out, you can always get a takeaway for one if the food runs out 😀