Issues with 18 year old at home

theatretony

RAS said:

Does you OH understand where the money is going? At present, you are being the responsible one and she's abdicating responsibility. 

Are your debt's joint? If any are hers, I'd suggest making her sort it out.

Set up your own bank account and only pay in a set amount to any joint account to which she has access?

She knows we are always running out of money by the end of the month, and she knows we are in debt even though it is something we have built up, she only pays £50 a month DD and even then sometimes forgets she has to pay that.

We are not married, but been together for 20 years, so both kids are ours together. We do not have a shared account, and I used to have access to her bingo account and bank (I set them up, she is not very techy), but she changed them when I told her to calm down on bingo as she was spending too much on it. She always moans we never have enough money to go away, but if she stopped spending we could go away for a weekend EVERY month. Our last holiday was 6 years ago.

The eldest will not do anything unless it benefits them, he still does not have a bank account, as I have told him he needs to take responsibility for himself and start making his own decisions, he always blames his mental health on things, but he knows what strings to pull with his mother to get her to give in. No matter what I say, I am over-ruled.

He was with CAHMS and GIDS, but never turned up to meetings and them blames other people if things go wrong. Says he has back trouble (probably from sitting in the same position playing Xbox), but refuses to book an appointment with the doctors to sort it. He has a good relationship with his mum because of how laid back she can be, but strained with me as I 'lay down the rules' and only gets on with me when he wants something.

He is sitting exams today and rest of the week, so I am assuming college will end soon. Said he is going to get a job when he finds his NI number as he has lost it! Told him you do not need it to get a job as it can bot got later. I even got him a few application forms for jobs nearby, but he never even bothered filling them in.

I personally do not like confrontation, hence why I keep quiet to her, like an easy life!! 

On going out, I went to the theatre to see a show and only went because the prices were lowered to £20 as I felt guilty spending that amount, that could have gone on food or bills. Whereas £20 for her can be gone on 30 minutes.

Mojisola

theatretony said:

No matter what I say, I am over-ruled.

I personally do not like confrontation, hence why I keep quiet to her, like an easy life!! 

On going out, I went to the theatre to see a show and only went because the prices were lowered to £20 as I felt guilty spending that amount, that could have gone on food or bills. Whereas £20 for her can be gone on 30 minutes.

To be honest, the problem isn't really your partner or your child, it's you.

That might seem harsh but while you continue behaving this way, they will continue because you are enabling them.

I would forget about couples counselling and get some individual sessions for yourself - it's not healthy for you be under this stress.  If you can't make changes, nothing will change and you will eventually become sick. 

Prioritise the money for counselling - if that means the other members of the family have to work out how to get food and pay for phones, etc, leave them to do it.

Is there anyone you could stay with for a break so that you have a chance to clear your mind and relieve the constant stress?

pinkshoes

What do you actually get from your relationship with your OH? Sounds to me like she is walking all over you, and you are letting her.

Write down money in and money out (food, bills, rent etc...) then TELL her what her share is so that you are both left with a similar amount left over. If she wants to then waste her share on bingo or your 18 year old then that's her choice.

Tell the 18 year old he will get £X allowance which will be paid into a bank account every month and is enough to pay for bus and phone too. The money will stop each month if he doesn't attend college.

If you're not willing to sort this out the  you either need to put up with this for the rest of your life or leave.

Personally if your OH and 18 year old don't agree with the above then I'd consider leaving as your partner clearly doesn't respect you.

sammyjammy

I think it would be a really good idea to find someone in real life that you can confide in, its great to have this forum but nothing beats sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone that knows you.  

Spendless

theatretony said:

RAS said:

Does you OH understand where the money is going? At present, you are being the responsible one and she's abdicating responsibility. 

Are your debt's joint? If any are hers, I'd suggest making her sort it out.

Set up your own bank account and only pay in a set amount to any joint account to which she has access?

She knows we are always running out of money by the end of the month, and she knows we are in debt even though it is something we have built up, she only pays £50 a month DD and even then sometimes forgets she has to pay that.

We are not married, but been together for 20 years, so both kids are ours together. We do not have a shared account, and I used to have access to her bingo account and bank (I set them up, she is not very techy), but she changed them when I told her to calm down on bingo as she was spending too much on it. She always moans we never have enough money to go away, but if she stopped spending we could go away for a weekend EVERY month. Our last holiday was 6 years ago.

The eldest will not do anything unless it benefits them, he still does not have a bank account, as I have told him he needs to take responsibility for himself and start making his own decisions, he always blames his mental health on things, but he knows what strings to pull with his mother to get her to give in. No matter what I say, I am over-ruled.

He was with CAHMS and GIDS, but never turned up to meetings and them blames other people if things go wrong. Says he has back trouble (probably from sitting in the same position playing Xbox), but refuses to book an appointment with the doctors to sort it. He has a good relationship with his mum because of how laid back she can be, but strained with me as I 'lay down the rules' and only gets on with me when he wants something.

He is sitting exams today and rest of the week, so I am assuming college will end soon. Said he is going to get a job when he finds his NI number as he has lost it! Told him you do not need it to get a job as it can bot got later. I even got him a few application forms for jobs nearby, but he never even bothered filling them in.

I personally do not like confrontation, hence why I keep quiet to her, like an easy life!! 

On going out, I went to the theatre to see a show and only went because the prices were lowered to £20 as I felt guilty spending that amount, that could have gone on food or bills. Whereas £20 for her can be gone on 30 minutes.

Then there's quite possibly additional needs that weren't diagnosed/addressed when younger or other issues or MH problems. Take another approach than find a job, you don't need your NI number (often required PRIOR to starting work if offered anything along with photo ID). Help him. Ask him to go for a Dad and son drink. Chat to him, come up with a plan. 

HRH_MUngo

Whilst I feel sorry for you in your situation, the only person whose behaviour you can change is you.
I agree with others, give your wife and son a fair allowance, then if they spend it all on fripperies and have nothing left, tough.

Go for a drink or a meal with your son, have a 'dads and lads' time with him, talk to him about how you feel about  his college and why it is important, and what his allowance is supposed to cover.  Talk to him man to man, don't get cross, just let him know what is expected.  Ask him if he has any concerns, and then listen to him.  Have a discussion.

I hope you manage to get something sorted out.  Remember, if you act like a doormat, you will be treated as one.

itzmee

OP did your son have a child trust fund?  If so then the old statements should show his NI no. on them as his unique reference number.  My 19 year old son discovered this when he checked his CTF statement, we had had his NI no since he was a baby without realising it!

Slinky

In all of this mess, what is happening to your second child? Are they being led down the same pointless, routeless paths your partner and son are on? I'd be disconnecting the broadband and cutting off the partner's phone contract if it were me.

Maskface

You do sound stuck in a rut. This isn't going to change all the time the enabling continues and I do wonder if it's time to walk away. You aren't married so stop parenting your other half. You say you set up the bingo accounts because she's not tech savvy, why can't you close the accounts if it was set up by you? Get a password reminder and either change the password or shut them down. But that's only a symptom of the problem, the real problem is your relationship I think. You do seem to have become an enabler in an unhealthy dynamic. Perhaps work on yourself so that you can get yourself out of this cycle and are no longer trapped. You tend to find people don't take responsibility if there's always someone in the background they can manipulate into taking responsibility for them. She is taking responsibility for him, and you are taking responsibility for her, there's a role going on there involving you as an enabler. Remove yourself from the equation, perhaps this isn't the right person to be in a relationship with anymore. You can still be a parent without having to parent you other half as well. From experience if he still hasn't shown an interest in finding his own way by now, he probably isn't going to. Who actually bought the Xbox anyway? Maybe time to cancel the internet and let them pay for their own, her for the bingo and him for the Xbox.

RogerBareford

theatretony said:

RAS said:

You'll both need 6 months bank statements and at least a day. That might expose any imbalance in spending and any areas that are particularly demanding financially. Plan for when you no longer have CB as well.

I know EXACTLY where the money is going (had some really bad debt, which I am paying back for both of us at around £400 a month), my other half spends most on bingo sites - cannot get her out of the loop, and she refuses to accept she has a problem (I never see the money she gets but I know it is about £600-700 a month), some of that goes on cigarettes for her and maybe £100 towards the house, and the rest - I have no idea.  

After all my bills/debts - I practically have nothing spare.

I think there are other issues I also need to sort, but feel alone.  None of my family know the issues I am having, as they all love my other half and know nothing about things going on.  Although most are on my side when it comes to the 18 year old that they need to 'man up'

This is the biggest issue here you need to sit down and go through how much money you both get and work out a proper budget. It shouldn't be you paying all the bills from your wages and her deciding that all the benefit money is "hers", if you work and live together as a couple then it will be a joint claim so the benefits will be both your money surely?.

You've dropped the ball big time with your financial situation and let your partner and children walk all over you.

You need to sit down with your partner and sort out a budget ASAP.