Issues with 18 year old at home

theatretony

Ok, so we have an 18 year old living at home. Spends 99% of time upstairs in their room playing Xbox and goes to college (when they feel like it, and if they do they are always late) and from conversations has no interest in getting a job. Will eat loads (had a full tea last night, then had a huge bowl of cereal after and then took more snacks upstairs) and wants cash for things

Issues I am having is my other half gives no support for this.  I keep explaining to them that they either attend college all the time or get a job. My other half then says, that as we are getting child benefit for them we should not push them into doing things.  My other half likes the 'easy life', but I want to teach life skills, but always get kicked back whenever I try to instil some rules.

I work and pay for everything, but my other half gets the CB and other benefits, all my salary goes on mortgage and bills, food debts and bus tickets for 18 year old to get to college. I pay all mobile bills for eldest as well, so I never have any cash to do anything I like despite being on a good salary.  I think I spend about £5-10 a month on things I like, and my other half wastes all her money on other stuff (which is another issue).

How can I get my child to start taking responsibility and getting my other half on board as I hit a brick wall whenever I try to talk to partner about this, she will not change and I do not think she realises what issues she is causing the eldest by allowing them free reign of everything. Bit of a moan, but I feel like anything I do is ignored and I feel I am only there for the money IYSYIM..

Hope that makes sense...

BrassicWoman

Nothing will change unless you change first.

Stop being there for the money.

theoretica

When do they graduate?  Personally, I think it is only fair to give people warning in advance that things will change, and follow through.  But it sounds as though you may need to make it all about the things which you personally control.

Once child benefit stops...

When this phone contract is over...

From the term after you graduate...

Penguin_

Get firm & make them realise that things have to change. When they graduate from college they need to find a job.

Is their phone contract coming to a end soon?

theatretony

BrassicWoman said:

Stop being there for the money.

I do not give any money, my other half gives in and gives it to them. I have to pay for the bus fare otherwise they have no way of getting to college.

theoretica said:

When do they graduate?  

When this phone contract is over...

From the term after you graduate...

This is the second year (as they failed basic Maths/English before), doing an Art Diploma - but cannot see what they can do with it and we never see any work completed or any course work. From what I gather, they just meet friends and chat.

I would love for the college to remove them from the course for lacking attendance, but I do not think they will do that as the college would lose the fees they get from the government.

RAS

I'd suggest that you need to look at the relationship with OH. Get away together, have a long hard talk (not out of the blue) and suggest couple's counselling.

No-one tells you how hard parenting is and that it doesn't necessarily get easier as they get older. A lot of teens have got used to being on-line. But if you are going to deal with the lack of motivation (for the things you value), then you and OH have to work in tandem.

Alternatively, given the current economics, ask OH to sit down with you to go through your current budget and see where you can work smarter. 

SOA Calculator (lemonfool.co.uk)

You'll both need 6 months bank statements and at least a day. That might expose any imbalance in spending and any areas that are particularly demanding financially. Plan for when you no longer have CB as well.

Phoenix_35

I would start giving the 18yr old a monthly allowance. This is to cover their travel to college and a little bit extra for food, treats or whatever. Stipulate that this is all they will get for the month so they need to work out how to balance it. If they run out they need to come up with a solution to obtain more. (odd jobs around college classes, selling old unwanted items etc). I would keep paying their mobile bill for now, you don't want to end up that cutting off when they may need to contact you. 
The problem is your partner is enabling your 18yr old, this may cause friction at first and your partner may end up giving them extra but stay true to course. The 18yr old will eventually thank you when they have their own independence.

Oh, and make sure you ring fence some disposable cash for yourself. Even if it goes into a savings account for a bigger purchase down the road. It's not fair that others in the household get to spend as they please and your left out.

theatretony

Penguin_ said:

Get firm & make them realise that things have to change. 

I am firm, but my other half gives in and there is no talking them round to get them to see things from my way - I feel like I am on a losing battle as there is no support from my partner.

Penguin_

In that case, I would get a prepaid card & load an amount on there & let them know this is everything they have for a month.

I can't help in terms of your OH as I left my OH when I was in a similar situation in terms not being supported etc. Maybe you & your OH need to step back & you really need to let them know how much this is affecting you & that you're not happy. 

theatretony

RAS said:

You'll both need 6 months bank statements and at least a day. That might expose any imbalance in spending and any areas that are particularly demanding financially. Plan for when you no longer have CB as well.

I know EXACTLY where the money is going (had some really bad debt, which I am paying back for both of us at around £400 a month), my other half spends most on bingo sites - cannot get her out of the loop, and she refuses to accept she has a problem (I never see the money she gets but I know it is about £600-700 a month), some of that goes on cigarettes for her and maybe £100 towards the house, and the rest - I have no idea.  

After all my bills/debts - I practically have nothing spare.

I think there are other issues I also need to sort, but feel alone.  None of my family know the issues I am having, as they all love my other half and know nothing about things going on.  Although most are on my side when it comes to the 18 year old that they need to 'man up'

BrassicWoman

I can only go on exactly what you said in your first post...you feel you are there only for the money.

Give less grocery money, cut off the phone contract, let OH feel the impact.

Something has to change. It has to start with you.