Parents being too 'Tight'

KxMx

Sea_Shell said:

Pollycat said:

Northern_Tribe said:

Pollycat said:

Northern_Tribe said:

Pollycat said:

SteveVy said:

Hi Folks,

Sorry for the delayed response my folks are their early 60's so not too old.

Anyway I've given up trying...they've had multiple people come out to provide quotes for various things and when I ask what's happening they just say "we are thinking about it"....so I've given up now...

It upsets me as from when I made this original post they could of had at least some of this work done!

I also don't think its good to waste people's time and just collect quotes for the sake of it...

It's really not about the money as my parents have a more than enough funds to cover all the work required.

My Aunt and Uncle have just had their entire house refurbished and wow it looks stunning! When I mentioned to my parents how good their house looks and how we could do something similar they didn't seem to interested.

So I've just left them to it..

'we could have'?
It's not your house.
It's your parents' house.
Maybe they are reticent to have work done because they think you are far too involved.
I would back off before you really upset them.

I did think they were possibly in their late 70s or 80s when you first posted.
Early 60s?
I'm in my late 60s and would tell any child of mine who wants to revamp my house to mind then own business.

I hope when I am in my early 60s if my house is in such a poor condition that,

1) Water leaking through roof

2) Rendering falling off

3) Driveway Cracked

4) Windows not fitted correctly

5) Mould in every room

6) Kitchen seriously dated and some appliances no longer work such as oven

7) Paint peeling inside in almost every room

8) Bathroom cupboards warped due to being in constant contact with water

9) Door locks broken

my adult children offer to assist me in getting the work done. I probably won't take them up on the offer but I think I am unlikely to tell them to mind their own business.

But the OP's parents clearly don't want help.
How much clearer can they make it?
They clearly feel that the OP is getting involved in stuff they don't feel is his business.
You might offer to help your parents but if they don't want your help...do you back off or continue to try to convince them you are right?

I'm not sure if your questions are addressed to me.  I agree the OP's parents are unwilling or unable to accept their help or organise the repairs themselves. That was not the point of my post, it was to point out that, although you would tell your child to mind their own business, at least one person (me) would welcome an offer of assistance in similar circumstances and would not tell my child(ren) to mind own business, even if I did not accept their help. 

Well, I quoted your post so yes, my post was addressed to you.
The OP's parents have made it clear that they don't welcome an offer of assistance so maybe telling him to mind his own business would be the only way to get through to him.
As it is, he's decided to step back. 

On a separate point, I still don't understand why the OP feels embarrassed about the state of a house that he doesn't own.

I can.    Especially if there are other friends or family that think the reason that the house is in such a poor state because the OP has somehow let it happen.    Embarrassment usually stems from the perception of what other people think of you.


We had friends come and help us clear out our grandparent's house when they passed....it was in similar condition to the OP, for similar reasons, and yes it was embarrassing to have them see what state we had "allowed" in to get into.     We found ourselves saying "sorry about the mess" more than once!

Personally I'd have had no qualms about agreeing it was a mess, and saying it was a shame that they had chosen to live like that, despite many previous offers of help 🙂

While my Mum is alive anything that is said to me about her house is going to get a similar response. Her choice, not my responsibility, she knows where I am if she wants help. 

diystarter7

No offence OP, but why can't people mind their own business?
Some people chose to live like that and as long as they have the capacity
to make informed decisions, people must let them live as they wish.
Sure, have a word but when it is clear they chose to live like that, it is their choice.

We all have different standards of everything and that is a fact of life.
The parents have done well and are doing well asset-wise.

People may be "embarrassed" how their family lives but it is their choice and not yours to pester them.

Maskface

diystarter7 said:

OP
Judging by your post and your parents properties, they must be doing something right so leave them to it.
Their house may not be up to your standards but it is their house, their life.

Well to be fair it doesn't paint the best picture of the condition their rental properties must be in... Or perhaps they spend a fortune on getting proper tradesmen in to make sure their portfolio is maintained to the highest standards and it's just their own home that's falling apart, but I can't imagine someone so reluctant to spend money on their own dwelling will be spending a great deal on their other properties either. You'd understand it if they didn't have the money to spend but that's not the case here by the sound of it.

SteveVy

Thanks for the replies...I can confirm the rental properties they own are actually in a better standard than their own house...

Also, I am in no way putting pressure on them, I tried to help them...they refused to go ahead with the quotes I got for them and I've left them to it...I don't want to waste any more of my time or various traders if they have no intention of getting any of the work done.

As other have mentioned I am struggling with the embarassment of the situation. This stems from the family side of things...if their house looks bad it can/may reflect on me as people may think I've done nothing to help the situation and if this is how they live I must live the same...

As I've said previously its the worst looking house on the street with massive amounts of paint peeling off and I've openly had members of my family mutter things me when the visit like:

"The house could definitely do with some TLC",

"The house is looking really tired'

I've simply replied saying its not my house...and I can't force to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Thanks for all your advice!

diystarter7

Maskface said:

diystarter7 said:

OP
Judging by your post and your parents properties, they must be doing something right so leave them to it.
Their house may not be up to your standards but it is their house, their life.

Well to be fair it doesn't paint the best picture of the condition their rental properties must be in... Or perhaps they spend a fortune on getting proper tradesmen in to make sure their portfolio is maintained to the highest standards and it's just their own home that's falling apart, but I can't imagine someone so reluctant to spend money on their own dwelling will be spending a great deal on their other properties either. You'd understand it if they didn't have the money to spend but that's not the case here by the sound of it.

Thanks. We are all different and often not understanding why someone else/family is doing that is hard to understand.

diystarter7

SteveVy said:

Thanks for the replies...I can confirm the rental properties they own are actually in a better standard than their own house...

Also, I am in no way putting pressure on them, I tried to help them...they refused to go ahead with the quotes I got for them and I've left them to it...I don't want to waste any more of my time or various traders if they have no intention of getting any of the work done.

As other have mentioned I am struggling with the embarassment of the situation. This stems from the family side of things...if their house looks bad it can/may reflect on me as people may think I've done nothing to help the situation and if this is how they live I must live the same...

As I've said previously its the worst looking house on the street with massive amounts of paint peeling off and I've openly had members of my family mutter things me when the visit like:

"The house could definitely do with some TLC",

"The house is looking really tired'

I've simply replied saying its not my house...and I can't force to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Thanks for all your advice!

Hey Steve

You are a good son and something that most children would say.
It's easy for people like me to get on our high horse but if I was in your shoes, I'd end up saying the same. Apologies for being a hypocrite as its easier said than done.

You've done your bit, now just leave them to it as they are truly entrenched in their way of life.

Brie

I'd be concerned about the amount of mould affecting their health.  Maybe that's a line to take (sorry if this has already been suggested - didn't read it all)

Or joke about "wow this is going to be a pain for me to deal with after you're dead!!" (I'm very very blunt....)

Savvy_Sue

SteveVy said:

As I've said previously its the worst looking house on the street with massive amounts of paint peeling off and I've openly had members of my family mutter things me when the visit like:

"The house could definitely do with some TLC",

"The house is looking really tired'

I've simply replied saying its not my house...and I can't force to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Thanks for all your advice!

And I might add to that: "Feel free to speak them about this yourself". Because it's possible that if someone other than you says something, they will take notice. I know this isn't your situation, but I was routinely ignored if I suggested that X, Y or Z needed attention, whereas one word from one of my siblings and the matter was immediately put in hand. 

SteveVy

Hi Folks just to update on you,

My father finally decided to have some work done on his house, he decided to have new windows installed (despite all the other jobs not progressing at all) 

Again, he went around the houses collected many many quotes, annoyed a lot of tradesman by constantly calling them back out.  He asked me to help him decide on what design to have so I gave my input which was quickly ignored.

£19,500 later he had all new windows installed that looks exactly the same before ( I kid you not, you cannot tell the windows have even been changed!) ...some of the window's don't seem to be fitted correctly and when I raised this with the fitter he said 'they are within tolerance'.

I guess the main thing is my father is happy with the job even though it could appears to some that the fitter just took out the old windows and put them straight back in...as there is no visual difference which I personally find quite upsetting. IMO I don't understand why you would spend so much money to have everything exactly the same as before. 

My father has now asked me to help with some other jobs around the house and when I've asked him what he wants to have done, he replied 'I want everything removed and replaced exactly the same'.

I've refused to help...I am no longer getting involved as he constantly calls people out to provides quotes / never gets back to them / seems to pick the worst options / designs (again my in view) 

I just keep telling my self 'as long as they are happy spending their money this way, its nothing to do with me '

HampshireH

Why wouldn't windows look the same? 

It's their energy efficiency where the gains will be made not in their appearance 

Just leave them to it. They obviously like their house as it is