Parents being too 'Tight'

SteveVy

Hi Folks,

Not sure if this is the right forum to post as the site is primarily about money saving but here it goes...

My parents have a 6 bedroom detached house that is seriously falling apart, issues include (but not limited to);

1) Water leaking through roof

2) Rendering falling off

3) Driveway Cracked

4) Windows not fitted correctly

5) Mould in every room

6) Kitchen seriously dated and some appliances no longer work such as oven

7) Paint peeling inside in almost every room

8) Bathroom cupboards warped due to being in constant contact with water

9) Door locks broken

I have been trying to help my parents by finding companies that can help us complete the above work however my father has decided he wants to find people himself.

The issue is the people he is finding are not 'approved / insured / recommended ' etc. he is finding random people from the internet and only wants to go with them as they are cheap!

An example is we recently had a quote to install a new kitchen from a mid size company. The company have been trading 15 year + and have over 300 reviews on google including some negative ones! I was glad they had some negative as it shows they are not deleting these and in my eyes shows a 'real' company.
We had a quote to complete the work that came to around £15,000 this sounded about right to me based on the size of the kitchen and the amount of work required. My dad immediately told the sales guy I can get the whole job done for £6K...which definitely did not sound right!

The sales guy said can you show me the quote? My dad said 'oh I cant show it you' after when I asked my dad he said 'The guy said it will take 1 month for the quote'

I immediately thought this guy my dad is using is going to get ex-showroom or customer returns and use these to complete the job or even worse old units taken out of someones house. I asked my dad with the quote he is getting, what guarantee do you have on the work? will all rubbish be removed from site? will any damage that takes place during the install be corrected? my dad could not answer any of these.

My dad seems to have a passion to collect quotes from people and then takes forever to get back to people, by the time he gets back to them they are no longer interested in doing the work. My dad asked me in the past to provide him with an electrician, one of my mates went over and took a look at the job he was there for 2-3 hours going through all the wiring and pricing up the job. At the end my dad says 'leave it with me' and never got back to him.

My parents are very well off, with a portfolio of rental properties and a six figure amount in the bank.

I am now at my wits end trying to help my parents, they don't seem to want my input or help with anything. I am quite dissapointed to see the state their house is in and I feel quite embarrassed it is the worst looking house in the area!

I've tried to sit my parents down and ask them why they are being so tight with their money and these are the common responses I get;

1) We had a bad experience in the past so we don't want to hire anyone to do any work

2) There is no point spending money on the house as it won't increase the value

3) There is nothing wrong with the house

4) When I mention how bad the house is and how embarrassed I feel they laugh this off and say do you think people really care what our house looks like? 

5) We are going to move house soon (They have been saying this for the last 25 years and have no real intention to move)

We are planning to hold a number of events at the house this year such as get togethers and I feel like telling all the guests to come to my house instead.

I am really not sure what else I can do to help them, I now feel I should just 'leave them to it' and just see what happens if they ever do anything!

breaking_free

SteveVy said:

 I now feel I should just 'leave them to it' and just see what happens if they ever do anything!

^ This. You can lead a horse to water...
As galling as it is to let them wallow in squalor (apologies if that sounds harsh) they're obviously comfortable with letting off steam but doing now't to resolve their house issues. My dad is the same. Hard as it is you'll just have to ignore it as best as possible. And yes, perhaps invite the guests to your place instead if you have the space. Good luck!

MEM62

Your parents have the right to live their lives any way they see fit - even if the upkeep of their house is not to the standards that you would like.  You have said your piece and they have not taken it on board.  Time to let it go.    

Pollycat

I agree with the 2 posts above.

It is they who are living in the house. Not you.
You've made it clear that it's not a financial problem that they are not getting the work done.
You can't make them have any work done and you can't make them use tradespeople that you have chosen.
As long as they are aware that they may be ripped off by using someone who is cheap, that's all you can do.

Sea_Shell

It's not your problem...yet!

You could find in the future that it very much becomes your "problem".

One day that property will probably need to sold.

Depending on the circumstances, that might mean selling it quickly to developers for "peanuts" (relatively), or you having to organise all the works so as to maximize its value.

Have they granted you (someone) POA yet?

[Deleted User]

This is tough isn't it. Because ultimately I don't think you can necessarily get involved because you think it looks the worst in the street / embarrassment etc. But - the fact is that there are bigger elements with this kind of disrepair because if basic maintenance / necessary upgrades and repairs aren't happening then bigger, more expensive problems with appear and that's obviously not what they want. And if they ever (or you ever) need to sell the property then these will need to be addressed regardless. It also sounds like there are some things that could affect their health long term (mould / dampness etc).

My dad is exactly the same as you describe in terms of his attitude to people doing work. Thinks everyone is there to rip him off. Eventually he will go for the cheapest option if absolutely necessary and then complains that they've done a terrible job! Typical. They are really house proud though so different things with that. But he's almost 80 and now getting more and more that he needs to do everything himself instead of paying anyone! So climbing ladders, trying to hang wallpaper, clearing gutters, cutting trees back. Anything he can do to avoid paying really - and like your situation, then could pay someone to do it.

Could you perhaps help them to get some of the urgent maintenance side fixed / repaint etc so that it starts them off and also 'saves' them some money and then try and encourage them to invest fully where they need to?

london21

You can't change people, you have given them advice but their choice if to take it. 

Focus on your own life which is all you really have control over. 

They are adults, let them make their decision. 

DairyQueen

Last year we bought a house from an elderly couple. In their decade of ownership they undertook zero house maintenance. The house now needs; new soffits, fascias, guttering, windows and doors - including garage. Extensive render repairs and complete exterior decoration. Replacement kitchen, utility, bathrooms, cloakroom, and internal redecoration. We are also extending the kitchen/diner, replacing the boiler, landscaping the neglected garden, and improving insulation, amongst other works.

The house would have been worth circa £650k in good condition. We paid £475k. The couple obviously considered their neglect to be worth £175k.

Their life, their choice.

Until they reached their 80s my parents had rooms decorated in rotation each year. Now, they address structural issues but see no need for any other improvements. The kitchen and bathrooms are very dated but serviceable. I anticipate that this will be the status quo until the survivor of them leaves the house or dies. My MiL was the same. 

Elderly people are facing mortality. Their perspective is short-term so what point spending money when 'this will see me out'. I suspect that this may be contributing to OP's parents attitude.

I agree with other posters. Leave them to it. They are independent adults and have the right to live (and spend) as they please. You will save yourself much frustration and time if you ignore the neglected house and concentrate on quality time as a family.

Ms_Chocaholic

Yes I agree, leave them to it but I'd be interested in what your mum has to say.

In terms of the upcoming get togethers, who is attending these events? Depends on what you say I'd say go ahead and hold them at your parents home, someone else might be able to convince them that they need to improve their home.

gazebo

This is a difficult one. Have been going through a very similar process with my own folks over a number of years. Sadly, there is very little you can do to force the issue as it could feel like personal attacks towards your parents. It is difficult, but taking a step back and leaving them to live their own lives but assisting when they actually ask could be the path to take.

Whatever you actually end up doing, tread carefully as you don't wish to strain relations. This is especially more important when there could hypothetically come a point where you find yourself facing these conversations with a recently bereaved parent and the repairs suddenly become more urgent.

One question I would ask though is - when you say you've been trying to help them by obtaining quotes - have they actually asked you to help them? 

Keep_pedalling

It is very difficult, the main reason for building up your savings through your lifetime is to make your old age comfortable, but for some people moving from the savings stage to the spend it stage never happens and just hanging on to your wealth becomes more important than comfort and living life to the full. 

A few houses in our street are now in a terrible state because the elderly owners either don’t have the money or won’t spend the money on basic maintenance. Asset rich but living in squalor is no way to spend you final years. 

Unfortunately there is little you can do to change their reluctance to spend, so you will just have to live with it.