Joining lives in our 30s

74jax

If dad is gifting him money, where will you both go / what will you both do, if the dad needs to go in a home and social services require the money back (DoA)?  Is gifting the money the best way forward? The whole scenario has so many questions. Are you all getting individual advice? 

Angelica123

I always find these threads so informative - hearing other people's experiences.

At the end of the day, no one wants the worst-case scenario to happen. And everyone thinks they have an above-average chance of the worst-case scenario not happening to them. In this situation, worst-case scenarios aren't just about what happens to the relationship, but if anything were to happen to either of you. As it stands, with your current agreement, if something were to happen - he would be no worst off  (just talking purely from a material POV) whereas you would be a in a worst position. This concerns me. 

What concerns me too is a) he seems pretty dismissive of your concerns. I think it would be one thing for him to have the attitude of "don't be so negative" if he was the one taking the risk. But as has already been pointed out - he is the one benefitting the most from this current set-up. It comes across as he is mainly thinking of himself.  That doesn't make him a bad person but it is a surprising attitude given that you are not casually dating and talking about marriage. 

sheena36 said:

His dad is a part of this but is also giving this as an advance on his inheritance so the house is in my fella's name etc. I am offering to contribute as this will ultimately be our home. So i have picked the kitchen, bought bathroom suite etc. 

I find it interesting that you talk about this house ultimately being your home - and yet it is a house, that HE has chosen, you have mentioned that you dislike, his dad has contributed to, and that your name won't be on. To me, it doesn't sound like your home at all. It sounds like his home that you are a lodger in. Again, that's not necessarily a bad thing - but I think you both have to be honest with each other as it doesn't seem like you are on the same page. Either this house is both of yours - you put money in and have your name on it... Or it is his house until you guys are ready to be fully committed (which by his definition is marriage) - in which case, you don't put any money in (no rent, no 15k). And I think that's the real crux of the issue.