Joining lives in our 30s

theoretica

I would also suggest you keep your money out of his house - if he doesn't want you putting your name on it, he also won't want you putting a claim to it.  If your money is necessary, then clearly document it as a loan to be repaid (+ % increase in house value?) if you break up.

One issue to look at if he keeps the property in his name, is that your own finances also increase as the house increases in value.  Either through owning and renting out property or through putting money into savings and investments - and not letting your money get all spent on life, holidays or his house.  He has the enforced savings of paying off a mortgage, you need to give equal importance to your own investments.  So no - if you rent out your house it would not be joint earnings, until his house and everything is joint.

ironlady2022

This sounds like a massive red flag to me in terms of your relationship. I would not be committing to that house at all. He's got it his way and you don't see it. 

Sistergold

Firstly you don’t need to trust him at all when it comes to money. Money and trust are two very things which don’t go hand in hand. 

My heart started weeping when I read your post. Please please don’t sell your house. Don’t worry that the rent is little. He is already very shrewd and protecting his own interest. He is shrewd in that he is allowing you to spend money on his house before you are married and will only add your name to his house when you are married. Why not refuse your money too until you are married? He is shrewd in asking you to sell your own house. Love starts with the best intentions but 50% of the time it does go south and pretty quickly especially when all the renovations are now done and he takes his sweet time to do the paperwork. Basically once you conclude your own end he will now drag his feet to meet his own end of the arrangements. If you become a walkover now you will never recover from it and you will definitely become homeless and penniless. With the housing market the way it is in this country you will quickly be priced out. 

The good thing is alarm bells have rung in your head before you put all your eggs in this foolish basket and thank God you posted for strangers who are not emotionally invested to help you see some sense. Don’t do it even if it costs you the relationship! Please! 

The only way he will play ball is when he knows you still have your own legs to stand on. If you are all in in his house to be honest you are done! 

mobileron

Get married solve a lot of your issues.

babyblade41

Run , don't walk . This is a very one sided agreement & enter into it at your peril.

It will niggle away at the back of your mind constantly 

sheena36

Thanks for all the comments. I do think a lot of them have jumped to worst case scenario, which knowing both of our characters and our relationship I really don't think is going to happen. 

I know there is always a chance though, which is why I'm asking questions. 

He isn't out to get me or trying to get more out of me. I just don't think he has thought it through enough to notice that it puts me in a more vulnerable position. 

I do agree that I need to make my position more clear and potentially stop any further involvement until we are both in agreement of a partnership or "whats yours is mine" when we are ready. But I'm not sure I would ever describe this guy as shrewd! 

babyblade41

You are glossing it over to convince yourself... been there , done it & got the T.shirt.   

I would have written the same 30 years ago..ended up skint & starting again . The other person was just a sweetie too & so convincing ..but oh the devil eyes come out after a few years  until it was too late 

Don't make the same mistake , nothing worse than a relationship failing  but failing & being left financially done is no joke 

Sistergold

sheena36 said:

Thanks for all the comments. I do think a lot of them have jumped to worst case scenario, which knowing both of our characters and our relationship I really don't think is going to happen. 

I know there is always a chance though, which is why I'm asking questions. 

He isn't out to get me or trying to get more out of me. I just don't think he has thought it through enough to notice that it puts me in a more vulnerable position. 

I do agree that I need to make my position more clear and potentially stop any further involvement until we are both in agreement of a partnership or "whats yours is mine" when we are ready. But I'm not sure I would ever describe this guy as shrewd! 

I am really sorry if it sounded like I was offending you. That was not my intention. I just felt for you, been there done it have the T shirt for it. When you carry on on this path at least take heart knowing many of us have been on the same path only we can now tell you on hindsight what we should have done differently. In any case experience is the best teacher. In all this just remember the only person you really know is yourself, as for him there are so many sides/versions of him which can manifest at any time given the right conditions. So for now you are working well with him and he is going to be the sweetest person, but if for instance he feels infact things are not working quite well for him let’s say you don’t behave well for instance he will remember that it’s his house your name is not there you need to move out. 

All the posts here are for your benefit. The good case scenario is not to be worried about but the worst case scenario is is the one we are trying to address. 

There is really nothing new under the sun. 

As for “being out to get you” are you sure he is not already getting you? He is not out to get you but he is infact getting you, staying in your house, you putting your money to renovate his house, you selling your house and moving into his renovated house, him not allowing you to be on the title of his house until you are married if you should get married. Also even being married is not protection enough and that’s why I am commenting on the worst case. You are already 34 and by the time this all plays out who knows how old you will be. All I am commenting about is that you will need a roof over your head. Also marriage does not mean you sacrifice everything. 

The so called worst case scenario happens to most of us. I had to start all over again at 47 and 4 children later. In all my foolishness though I did have my eyes open to safeguard my interest when it came to money otherwise I would have been screwed completely. 

When we were buying our house abroad he suggested that he puts his name only on the title deeds after all we are married, I said no if that the case and one name has to be there let it be mine, of cause he said no and so both names when on. When buying here he said let’s put one name I said no unless my money does not go into it then that’s fine. He wanted to start a project wanted me to borrow the money I said no your project you borrow. In all this to be honest I never really thought he could screw me and he had always been someone of great character we lived 20plus years together. He said if ever we divorced he will not remarry, he will give me all the money so I can live with the children. This was all talk as he did not think we will divorce. When it came to it though 4 children later it was a different story he took everything he could take but thank God my name was also all over the paperwork so I also got my half of our sweat and blood. 

By the way I don’t see anything wrong with him staying in your house as I take it you are both enjoying the arrangement and some elements in a relationship are priceless but it all the other bits about your savings and house that needs a careful consideration. 

elsien

What about some sort of deed of trust so that any money you put in is recognised? Although that would then beg the question as to how he would repay you without selling the house if it did ever come to it.

sheena36

@Sistergold no offence taken at all and I do appreciate the opinion, sounds like you have had a rough time in the past. I do think that you hear a lot more from the people who it went wrong for than the people who it worked out for though! 

I guess I'm hoping for suggestions as to how to navigate the best to middling case scenario as that is what I'm aiming for! (Whilst also being mindful of the worst case ofc).