Joining lives in our 30s

sheena36

My partner (38) and I (34) have been together 2.5 years and are struggling to work out how to best amalgamate our lives. 

We both have our own houses but he has been living with me for over a year while his house is being renovated by him and his dad. We will be due to move into his when they're done. 

We have talked about selling my house as the rental income won't be huge and we aren't sure we want to be landlords at this point. 

What we do next is the issue. After a discussion he doesn't feel that my name will go on his house until we are married. I would foresee the earnings from my house to be joint earnings. His house is worth 3x more than mine and his dad is investing in it also so it's not a straightforward solution. I would never just demand my name gets put on anything but i need to protect myself too. I'll be putting £15k+ of savings into the renovations outwith any profit from the house but that's a drop in the ocean for the total amount.

I trust him completely but I'm also aware we need to make very sound and realistic financial decisions. I'm concerned that in the unlikely event that it did go south I would be homeless and my money would be wrapped in his house.

We are both all in on the relationship and figuring out how work out our financial future. In addition, I'm not in love with his house!!!! it doesn't feel like it's mine and I just don't have that emotional connection. 

Any advice would be appreciated!

anaspiringhobbit

You’ve been providing him with free(?) accommodation for half of your relationship, while he renovates his house? Which he also wants you to pay money into doing, but doesn’t want your name on it?

Why not sell both houses, and buy somewhere new together?
Please don’t pay money to do up a house that’s not in your name.

hazyjo

Please don't put any money into his house! He's mad to want you to anyway as it may entitle you to a claim if you split up.

Either live with him and pay half the bills (not mortgage or renovations), or buy equally together.

If you buy, he could pay his dad off and it would be in both your names. If that still leaves him with spare cash, great. He can invest it elsewhere.

sheena36

Thanks for the replies. He cares a lot about the house. It means a lot to him and I do want to support his dreams. I hear what you are saying, I do. But at some point I do need to commit to it! I have said I will give it a go for up to 5 years. It would  have been my preference to buy somewhere together but we are here now. It doesn't currently make sense - the house would need fixed up. It is in one of the most sought after areas in Northern Ireland so most people would think I'm mad for turning my nose up at it.

To be clear, yes free accommodation, but we have also been paying on two houses. Ie Two individual mortgages, two council taxes, two insurance policies etc etc. 

I've made it clear I won't be putting all the profits from my house sale into his house. 

There's no silver bullet, it's just awkward. He just thinks I'm being negative! 

sheena36

Thanks, just in the process of deleting the other one as I think it would be more appropriate here

Deedoodee

Not criticising, just trying to understand- if he hasn’t given you any money for accommodation and his house wouldn’t be yours at all, and living there isn’t your preferred option,  why are you expected to pay for his renovation at all? And why would any of the profits from your house sale be shared? 

anaspiringhobbit

sheena36 said:

Thanks for the replies. He cares a lot about the house. It means a lot to him and I do want to support his dreams. I hear what you are saying, I do. But at some point I do need to commit to it! I have said I will give it a go for up to 5 years. It would  have been my preference to buy somewhere together but we are here now. It doesn't currently make sense - the house would need fixed up. It is in one of the most sought after areas in Northern Ireland so most people would think I'm mad for turning my nose up at it.

To be clear, yes free accommodation, but we have also been paying on two houses. Ie Two individual mortgages, two council taxes, two insurance policies etc etc. 

I've made it clear I won't be putting all the profits from my house sale into his house. 

There's no silver bullet, it's just awkward. He just thinks I'm being negative! 

Still, nope.

It might be a sought after area, but you’ve said you don’t actually like the house. He can sell the house without fixing it up.

You balance the amount you might put in against how much the house might be worth - ‘a drop in the ocean’. Is the idea for the 3(?) of you to put money into the renovations, and then sell the house to split the money? Or are you just going to be living there and hope that it all works out and that you don’t end up splitting up and being left with nothing?

It’s not ‘being negative’ that you’re having doubt about putting money into a property that you have zero claim over. His calling you ‘negative’ is a red flag. Again, please do not put money into something which doesn’t have your name on it. You can support his dreams without giving him your cash - how did he plan to renovate the house before you? He can do that instead.

hazyjo

sheena36 said:

...But at some point I do need to commit to it! I have said I will give it a go for up to 5 years. It would  have been my preference to buy somewhere together but we are here now. It doesn't currently make sense - the house would need fixed up. It is in one of the most sought after areas in Northern Ireland so most people would think I'm mad for turning my nose up at it.

You seem to be contradicting yourself.

It doesn't sound like he wants you to commit to it. I wouldn't want your name on the paperwork in his shoes either, but then I most certainly wouldn't be taking a penny off you for renovations to MY house. What will he be charging you once you move in?

Spiderroo

sheena36 said:

Thanks for the replies. He cares a lot about the house. It means a lot to him and I do want to support his dreams. I hear what you are saying, I do. But at some point I do need to commit to it! I have said I will give it a go for up to 5 years. It would  have been my preference to buy somewhere together but we are here now. It doesn't currently make sense - the house would need fixed up. It is in one of the most sought after areas in Northern Ireland so most people would think I'm mad for turning my nose up at it.

To be clear, yes free accommodation, but we have also been paying on two houses. Ie Two individual mortgages, two council taxes, two insurance policies etc etc. 

I've made it clear I won't be putting all the profits from my house sale into his house. 

There's no silver bullet, it's just awkward. He just thinks I'm being negative! 

If he couldn’t live with you he would either have to pay the mortgage AND rent or live with his parents. You’ve both been paying mortgages but he’s also had his living situation while renovating massively improved by you. 

Have you talked about the timeline for getting married or what will happen if you split up? My partner and I are looking for a house to buy now - our mortgage will be in his name but I’m putting in towards renovations/furniture and will pay half the mortgage. We have a timeline for getting married and a clear agreement of what will happen if we sadly split, plus a solicitor who will set that agreement out in a legal document when we get closer to buying. 

Dismissing your desire to protect your money as ‘negative’ doesn’t fill me with confidence that your partner is taking your legitimate concerns seriously. Like you say you have a lot to lose but he will be absolutely fine. 

Lavendyr

Having his cake and eating it seems appropriate. 

Either keep your finances separate (including the proceeds of sale from your house, which would belong to you wholly) or have your name on the deeds and contribute. 

Deedoodee

Has he given any other explanation for why this works?  

Calling you negative is a massive alarm bell for me. Not saying this is the same because I have no idea about your situation. I have a friend whose partner dismissed her concerns about their joint finances and told her she was being ‘negative’, and why didn’t she have faith in the relationship?, didn’t she trust him? etc. He’d made her believe she had commitment issues and he was helping her through them. It was really manipulative and emotionally abusive. 

When my partner and I moved in together, we discussed openly what the finances would be, including how to account for him having less security because in the event of a split, he’d have to move out.