Joining lives in our 30s

sheena36

elsien said:

What about some sort of deed of trust so that any money you put in is recognised? Although that would then beg the question as to how he would repay you without selling the house if it did ever come to it.

Thanks elsien, is this something that needs to have legal consultation?

sammyjammy

Have you discussed the financial arrangements once you are both living in the house?  

For me  I would sell my house (you really don't want to be a landlord) and move in but I wouldn't give him any funds for the house, I would tie my money up in ISAs and use the fact that I no longer pay a mortgage to save as much as I can.

If things work out you can put the house in both names and you'll have lots of savings.

Currently he is getting everything he wants and you are getting nothing, just giving.  If he is the man you say he is then surely after a serious conversation he will see that, he should want to protect you as well.

Sistergold

sheena36 said:

@Sistergold no offence taken at all and I do appreciate the opinion, sounds like you have had a rough time in the past. I do think that you hear a lot more from the people who it went wrong for than the people who it worked out for though! 

I guess I'm hoping for suggestions as to how to navigate the best to middling case scenario as that is what I'm aiming for! (Whilst also being mindful of the worst case ofc).

You are right @sheena36 bad experience indeed. In as much as 50% fail it means 50% succeed. It’s not all doom and gloom. 🥰

elsien

sheena36 said:

elsien said:

What about some sort of deed of trust so that any money you put in is recognised? Although that would then beg the question as to how he would repay you without selling the house if it did ever come to it.

Thanks elsien, is this something that needs to have legal consultation?

That would probably be wise, so they can raise scenarios that you may not have thought of. Such as what happens if you need the money back and he can't afford to give it without selling up, which he's not going to want to do.  
I do think you both need to consider why you are putting 15K in, and whether the hassle of getting it formalised outweighs the benefits. Does he really need that money at the moment?   

saajan_12

IF you are determined to go ahead, there are ways you can protect yourself while still allowing the possibility its not automatically the worst case, BUT I'd suggest two key things:

1. Get a loan agreement written up for the £15k you put into the renovations. Place this as a 2nd charge on the house, so you get your money back if he ever sells the house. If you do get married / added to the property, you can revise the loan at that stage. 
2. What do you mean by profits on your home? If its sale proceeds on your house after paying off your mortgage, that's YOUR EQUITY, ie exactly what would gain on his home by adding your name. To make this not one sided, protect your money by either adding the money to the loan document above, or adding your name to his property as tenants in common with your share equal to the proportion you contributed. 
3. If you share mortgage / bills / maintenance costs going forward, then agree upfront what happens to any equity if you split up. 

All these points are not to be negative - if you do end up together for life, then his and yours distinctions can be ignored. If not, then you should have a fair split, not an unfair one. 

Mojisola

sheena36 said:

My partner (38) and I (34) have been together 2.5 years and are struggling to work out how to best amalgamate our lives. 

After a discussion he doesn't feel that my name will go on his house until we are married.

I'll be putting £15k+ of savings into the renovations

I trust him completely but I'm also aware we need to make very sound and realistic financial decisions. I'm concerned that in the unlikely event that it did go south I would be homeless and my money would be wrapped in his house.

So he's happy to use your savings to improve his property but not give you any share of the house?

In that case, I'd want the £15k+ to be documented as a loan so that it's repaid if you break up.

Indigo_and_Violet

I agree it's a very tricky situation. You want to show your trust and love for your new partner, but you also need to protect yourself. In your shoes, I would not be putting my house on the market immediately. Instead, I'd probably opt for moving in with your other half with a set review date (somewhere between 6 months and a year). During that period your options would be to rent out your house (either on a proper tenancy or something like AirBnB) to make a bit of extra cash or just leave it empty* since that's no worse than your current financial situation. At the end of that review period you need to decide either you're both all in (and therefore moving down to one property, be it his or a new one) or, realistically, if marriage is something that is important to you both**, if you're not ready to get married at that point when will you be? And if you're on different pages about that then it's time for a long hard think about your relationship.

I agree with others that I wouldn't be putting any money into his house renovations without some sort of written agreement.

In terms of talking to him, I know I sometimes express myself poorly when I'm a bit nervous. I would try to frame the conversation as that he has made a really sensible choice in deciding not to put you on his house title yet. You both think you're on the road to long term commitment but you want to try living together at his first. Therefore you think just like it's a really good idea for him to have his house in his name, you'd like to keep yours and not put any money into his until you're both ready to take that step together. 

Then, in a year, if you decide you do want to get married and jointly own a property you can discuss whether you want it to default to 50/50 ownership regardless of funds put in or if you want to draw up a pre-nup saying something different. 

*Leaving your house empty will likely have insurance and maybe council tax implications, so you might need to consider stay there once a week. Or you could look at something like the host a refugee scheme or something else like renting at a low rate to a friend. These boards have lots of advice about different rental options. 
** For some people marriage isn't important. My other half and I aren't married, it's not important to us and we jointly own a property (that he has paid far more for but I own 50% of) and we've come to that arrangement through gradual negotiation of our finances over time as we have built our lives together. I'm only recommended a marriage or split deal here because it seems marriage is important to your other half (i.e. he is willing to meld your finances but only when you're married).  

MysteryMe

There are three people in this financial relationship, you, him and his dad. So when you move in, it's not just you and him it's his dad who is also putting money in the house. It does not sound like any wishes you may regarding living in that house or even moving are going to be entertained.  

I would be very wary, from the outside looking in he has done very well out of you financially. He's not going to be anything but lovely whilst he's still getting everything his way.  It seems like a case of what is yours is both yours and his and what is his, is his.  

Bendy_House

After a discussion he doesn't feel that my name will go on his house until we are married. Fair do's - it ain't your house. Yet. Until you are married.

I would foresee the earnings from my house to be joint earnings. Before you are married? I see. You're a bit nuts then?!

I'll be putting £15k+ of savings into the renovations outwith any profit from the house but that's a drop in the ocean for the total amount. Whatevs - that sort of amount ain't a killer, but DO make sure it has a paper trail.

I trust him completely but I'm also aware we need to make very sound and realistic financial decisions. I'm concerned that in the unlikely event that it did go south I would be homeless and my money would be wrapped in his house. Of course you trust him - I'd hope you wouldn't be with him otherwise. I'm sure he trusts you too. But things can, and do, change. So you MUST protect yourself against this unlikely possibility.

In addition, I'm not in love with his house!!!! it doesn't feel like it's mine and I just don't have that emotional connection. Hmm, that's a different issue, and one you'll likely both need to tackle some time down the line. At the moment, you can consider HIS house - for that is what it is - an investment for your joint future

He isn't out to get me or trying to get more out of me. I just don't think he has thought it through enough to notice that it puts me in a more vulnerable position. Ah, so he's the stupid one?! Or perhaps a bit thoughtless? A touch lacking in understanding? Empathy?

But I'm not sure I would ever describe this guy as shrewd! If things do change - and I hope they won't - you may find out just how shrewd he is.

In essence, until you are married, you need to have either a house of your own, or the value of that house kept safely separate.

A good way to look at this situation is to imagine it in reverse. You have the 'big' house, are doing it up, living in your partner's 'small' house. Would you suggest he sells it? If so, what would you suggest he does with the proceeds?

buythedip

These threads always amaze me. He sounds like a tool.