Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

enthusiasticsaver

I think if your mental health means you are liable to spend again on credit if your mood spirals then getting rid of the cards out of your purse is the way to go and maybe split your additional earnings and any savings you make between Very which is an extortionate interest rate and saving for emergencies.  I won't labour the point about telling your OH as all has already been said and you know him best.  I do hope you get on top of this soon for your own sake and your marriage though.  Going forward it might be best for you not to use credit at all. 

CMD79

enthusiasticsaver said:

I think if your mental health means you are liable to spend again on credit if your mood spirals then getting rid of the cards out of your purse is the way to go and maybe split your additional earnings and any savings you make between Very which is an extortionate interest rate and saving for emergencies.  I won't labour the point about telling your OH as all has already been said and you know him best.  I do hope you get on top of this soon for your own sake and your marriage though.  Going forward it might be best for you not to use credit at all. 

Yes, I have cut up 2 of the 3 cards. I feel like I need to keep one for emergencies and for car-hire and things where they require a CC rather than Debit, but have removed it from my wallet. I do not know the security cose on the back and won't look at it so I can't use it unless have to. 

Thank you. I have decided that I am going to work really hard to bring it down to a manageable amount and then I will tell him. At the moment, because it's just about to become unmanageable it'd be unforgiveable. If I can show him I've got it under control when I tell him, I think he could cope with it. I am going to speak to Step Change tomorrow and see what they suggest and go from there.

Thank you for the advice.

CMD79

LeeXenon said:

CMD, just popping in to wish you the best of luck. My overall debt was originally around the ~£20k mark, albeit now a little less.
The bizarre part is that I am also targeting to clear my debt by around April 2024.

My niche so to speak or tool of choice has been Microsoft Excel.
I've edited these to omit personal information, although one will show a monthly budget planner (Heavily edited) and a "Months to go until debt free" display for a little bit of monthly motivation. I have one of these each for every month.

I've found Excel to be extremely useful in monthly planning!

Most importantly, good luck with your goal and reaching your target!

I will also add that my other half only knows about probably half of the debt, although I intend to explain everything come the time most of the debt is paid.

Further edit; pay no attention to the "pay" figure here, I worked for a month straight on overtime for this example, poor selection on my part.

Amazing! Thanks for sharing!! I've hit Excel hard this weekend myself!! Every penny is now accounted for.

Good luck on your journey too. I have decided I have 2 real choices. I either leave and take my crappy debt with me and visit my daughter at weekends, or I try to get it in hand and break the news to him. I'm too fragile to take the chance now, but once this is under control, I think I should let him decide what's best. I can't continue to carry the burden for 2 more years without telling him.

Thanks for the support. Have you got any mad challenges/schemes to try to pay it off quicker or are you doing it by budgeting?

Claire

poppy811

why do you envisage losing your daughter.  I was told many years ago that you only have to be a “ good enough mum “ not a perfect one.  Really wishing you all the best but hope you get some professional help.

theoretica

One thing you can do with a card you want to own, but not use, is seal it in an envelope and write a note to yourself on the outside.  Or two envelopes if you want to keep the note private!

enthusiasticsaver

CMD79 said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

I think if your mental health means you are liable to spend again on credit if your mood spirals then getting rid of the cards out of your purse is the way to go and maybe split your additional earnings and any savings you make between Very which is an extortionate interest rate and saving for emergencies.  I won't labour the point about telling your OH as all has already been said and you know him best.  I do hope you get on top of this soon for your own sake and your marriage though.  Going forward it might be best for you not to use credit at all. 

Yes, I have cut up 2 of the 3 cards. I feel like I need to keep one for emergencies and for car-hire and things where they require a CC rather than Debit, but have removed it from my wallet. I do not know the security cose on the back and won't look at it so I can't use it unless have to. 

Thank you. I have decided that I am going to work really hard to bring it down to a manageable amount and then I will tell him. At the moment, because it's just about to become unmanageable it'd be unforgiveable. If I can show him I've got it under control when I tell him, I think he could cope with it. I am going to speak to Step Change tomorrow and see what they suggest and go from there.

Thank you for the advice.

If your outgoings are more than your income and the interest rates are very high then no doubt a DMP will be the suggestion from stepchange although as you have not put up an soa obviously I cannot say definitively that is what they will recommend.  That will have the advantage of freezing the interest and setting an affordable monthly repayment to be split between your creditors.  However you will need to default on the debts and that will show on your credit record so you need to be aware this will affect your OH too as he will be financially linked to you if you have a joint current or mortgage account so any credit applications he makes may flag up your debt problems.  

You sound very focused and once you have a plan I am sure you will feel less stressed.  I hope the phone call to Step Change helps you. 

teaandcupcakesplease

Morning CMS just catching up.  just my thoughts;

Don't tell your husband if you don't want to. People on here don't know your husband, how he will react, how your marriage is etc so if you feel you cant tell him don't. I would however encourage you to speak to someone, Family , a trusted friend, step change etc.

I would also if you can, speak to a Dr some of the things you have said lead me to think you may be depressed - just a though i am no doctor.

It concerns my that you say you would leave and visit your daughter etc. Debt really isnt that bad, yes the amount is scary but its not that bad. 

I just want to give you a hug, everything will be ok, you have started well by posting your story. We are not here to judge or force you do anything, what we can do its help you work with whatever decision you feel is best for you.  I will be supporting you throughout and i just know you can do this!

Best of luck Tea xx

GeorgianaCavendish

Well done for taking the plunge and starting your diary, you’ve taken one of the hardest steps already. You can get there! 

I appreciate that telling your husband may not be something that feels possible right now but he probably already knows that something is wrong - even if he doesn’t know the specifics of exactly what it is. Don’t put unreasonable pressure on yourself to do this all perfectly and alone.  

mr_stripey

As someone who has been through the whole "hidden debt" thing, I do understand exactly what you are going through. It is a lonely old place, as it is not really the sort of thing we can talk to friends and family about. It is a horrible, shameful experience - I used to wake up in the night with dread thinking about it.

I would echo what others have said. It may be that you feel you cannot tell your husband yet but it is of course possible for these things to come out in the wash anyway.

I had about the same amount of debt hidden from my wife. Although it was me who allowed it to happen, the root cause really was our joint failure to budget properly, meaning that Christmas and holidays would go on credit cards (unbeknown to her) and it just kept building. In the end her desire to have a new kitchen and therefore remortgage meant that I knew I was going to have to come clean. It wasn't very nice, but actually not as bad as I feared and we did get through it - for a while.

I'd can't sugar coat it, unfortunately a couple of years later our marriage ended - not as a direct result of the money, but I am sure it was a contributing factor.

Now we are divorced, but we are both in a much better place and our kids are pretty well adjusted to the situation.

If you really think you can clear the debt down to an acceptable level (i.e. what your husband believes it to be) in a couple of years without him finding out then I would say go for it. But if you are not/have not addressed the reasons for building the debt up in the first place then it will be very difficult. I tried for years to try and pay it down, but it is difficult when the finances are hidden. It was hard for me to squirrel away a few quid to pay extra on the credit card when we were having to pay our for normal stuff.

I am not passing judgement in any way - like I say, I've been there. I wish you all the luck in the world, but please don't be too hard on yourself. 

Four_Seasons

Sending you hugs, will be cheering you on x