Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

Brie

Wow!

Zopa: £6780
Barclaycard: £6201
Tescobank: £3472
Very: £1423
Next: £657
Fluid: £366

Maybe I'll show you my debts and then you'd have something to worry about!! 

But seriously....if not telling your husband helps you get through this then I say that's what you need to do.  Maybe once you get this into the tiddly region you can mention it at least in part to help set things right.  I say that as someone who knows there's only so much my OH could handle and so can only give a filtered version which focuses on the positive.  Is that the way a marriage should be?  Many will say no.  Is that the way many marriages actually work?  I suspect the answer would be yes - even if it's minor things like not sticking to a diet.  I knew one vegetarian couple where one of them would secretly get a bacon bap at work each week.  

As for the practical stuff obviously the quicker you hit the Very debt at 49.9% the better.  And you've done great to get rid of £1500 in a fairly short time.  My vote would be to nuke the Fluid first just to get rid of one payment - and cancel the account.  Then give Very a right smacking.  And cancel the account!  My guess is that Next probably has the next worst rate and again being small will give you a good boost to cross it off AND CANCEL THE ACCOUNT!!!  sorry went a bit shouty there but I'm sure you get my drift.  

For the big 3 is there any mileage in ringing them and asking for an interest holiday or something?  Obviously this may get flagged on your credit record but that will only matter if you plan on taking out more credit.  But with those 3 lingering almost any credit request may be likely to fail so maybe it would be a good move.

 Anyways - good luck with it all, post regularly for moral support or ideas, don't forget to stop shopping except for essentials.  If the OH asks why you haven't bought any new clothes or whatever there's lots of good valid reasons but mine currently is "I'm waiting until I lose a bit more weight so I can buy something new as a reward!" 

CMD79

theoretica said:

So, what is your plan for next Christmas?  Because it reads like you need one!

Good luck - do you still have the craft things? Because selling them as supplies might work.

Yep!! I do have a plan!! My husband has encouraged me to get to the doctor and get treatment for depression. I stopped taking anti-depressants before because after a while on them, I started to have various symptoms of menopause (without wanting to go into too much detail there!) But in January when my money situation suddenly got really real, my depression was so bad that I had to tell him I was thinking about suicide. Not suicidal in that I was thinking about committing suicide, but that I wondered if I would live my whole life without becoming suicidal in the future really.

So my plan is to live with the side-affects, give up on the idea that I might have a second child (which is devasting to me, but I have to accept that) take the anti-depressants so that I can continue in work, hopefully succeed in work so I can progress - Although working with ADHD can make me a nightmare in many ways, I do also come with a lot of good stuff - and that will keep my head clear to get the money sorted.

My husband joked that my one job for this year is to still be employed for Christmas, and I know that can only be achieved by continueing with the anti-depressants, sorting my money out so that once that burden is off my mind, I can stop lying, stop hating myself and live like a normal person.

I did actually sell some of the crafts this Christmas and have gotten them ready to list for Mothers Day now, so hoping I can recoup some there, and whatever is left, I am going to sell as a job-lot.

I have also started a £1 per day savings so not to stick a load of stuff back on a credit card for Christmas 22.

Amber1980

If you needed to take meds for any other reason you would so don’t be worried about that,do what you need to feel your best x

IntoTheForest

No judgement from me OP. Do what you need to do to keep you and your child safe and secure. 

It might be worth completing a SOA when you feel up to it. Posters on these boards have great advice on how to cut back on expenses and make the pennies stretch. 

Having a plan for Xmas is a massive accomplishment and will change your life. Xmas feels different when you have saved for it and don't have the stress, guilt and shame anymore. 

doingitanyway

You do have choices here. You know your life and the people in it best. I don't have any advice but a SOA as @IntoTheForest suggests might be a good place to start. Sending you a hug.

Brie

Can any of your craft stuff be used as Christmas presents?  Some people love to get a hand made whatever particularly if its make personally for them.  It might save you some ££ and clear a bit of space at home too!

CMD79

MalMonroe said:

CMD79 said:

Grumpelstiltskin said:

Yes I will tell you to tell him.

How many lies are you going to have to tell him?

You are happy with lying to him X number of times over the next few years?

In my mind not the way a married couple should behave.

Hi Grumpelstiltskin,

It's difficult to get across the level of shame and guilt I feel and I suffer long periods of self-loathing, so I don't expect anyone to understand my lying and keeping it from him. But to try to explain it, the strain my marriage has been under because of my mental health has been quite intense, and if I tell him, he would not be able to forgive me. My biggest fear in my life is my daughter being like me, so I know that if my marriage breaks down (and I'm sobbing my heart out as I'm writing this) but I know she'd have a much better chance of having a good life staying with him. 

You're absolutely right in what you're saying - it's not how a married couple of should behave, but I wouldn't have much to live for without my daughter, so that's my way of trying to survive.

I'm really hoping for some encouragement to pay my debt because I don't want my daughter to suffer because I'm such a failure.

xxx

Hi, whilst I agree with others about telling your husband - in an ideal marriage you support and help each other no matter what - I do understand your plight. You really have taken the first step by coming here. You are NOT a failure at all.

You are not the only person who has struggled with mental health issues and what seems like insurmountable debt. Embarrassment, disgust and shame are familiar feelings when you're in debt but you really shouldn't beat yourself up.
If you contact one of the free debt help agencies and talk to an advisor, that's the second step to sorting your problems.

I was in a very similar situation and at the end of my tether about 9 years ago and contacted StepChange, who really helped me. The advisor was friendly and helpful and most importantly, non-judgemental. She recommended a DRO and that may be the way forward for you too. She helped me every step of the way. There are other free agencies and I've given some links below.

https://www.stepchange.org/
https://nationaldebtline.org/
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/help-with-debt/

You are NOT a bad person. Please do contact one of the helpful agencies - your life will change for the better. Many of us on this site have been in a similar situation to you and we have survived. You will too.  All the best to you.    x

Thank you. I'm going to call Stepchange on Monday and see what they suggest. Thanks for the support xx

theoretica

Good luck - and do talk to your doctor about side effects too!

CMD79

Brie said:

Wow!

Zopa: £6780
Barclaycard: £6201
Tescobank: £3472
Very: £1423
Next: £657
Fluid: £366

Maybe I'll show you my debts and then you'd have something to worry about!! 

But seriously....if not telling your husband helps you get through this then I say that's what you need to do.  Maybe once you get this into the tiddly region you can mention it at least in part to help set things right.  I say that as someone who knows there's only so much my OH could handle and so can only give a filtered version which focuses on the positive.  Is that the way a marriage should be?  Many will say no.  Is that the way many marriages actually work?  I suspect the answer would be yes - even if it's minor things like not sticking to a diet.  I knew one vegetarian couple where one of them would secretly get a bacon bap at work each week.  

As for the practical stuff obviously the quicker you hit the Very debt at 49.9% the better.  And you've done great to get rid of £1500 in a fairly short time.  My vote would be to nuke the Fluid first just to get rid of one payment - and cancel the account.  Then give Very a right smacking.  And cancel the account!  My guess is that Next probably has the next worst rate and again being small will give you a good boost to cross it off AND CANCEL THE ACCOUNT!!!  sorry went a bit shouty there but I'm sure you get my drift.  

For the big 3 is there any mileage in ringing them and asking for an interest holiday or something?  Obviously this may get flagged on your credit record but that will only matter if you plan on taking out more credit.  But with those 3 lingering almost any credit request may be likely to fail so maybe it would be a good move.

 Anyways - good luck with it all, post regularly for moral support or ideas, don't forget to stop shopping except for essentials.  If the OH asks why you haven't bought any new clothes or whatever there's lots of good valid reasons but mine currently is "I'm waiting until I lose a bit more weight so I can buy something new as a reward!" 

I don't know if it's okay to say, "Oh, good I'm glad someone's got it worse that I do?!?!?" I was reading lots of posts yesterday and people have £3k, 5k, 6k, and I was thinking, oh god I miss those days when I only had £10k to worry about. 

Seriously though, thank you for the words of encouragement, and yes, I do feel that mentally, getting rid of the Fluid will spur me on. I am going to contact Barclaycard and ask because they have already identified that I'm in perpetual debt and put my minimum payment up. That would be very helpful to end my perpetual debt if that was my only debt!! But it was actually that that has really taken me over the edge of not being able to make my minimum payments and pay for my part of the household stuff. I don't think it could make the credit rating much worse than it already is. Everything is maxed out, though I've not got a bad payment record surprisingly.

Thank you again,

C x

Grumpelstiltskin

You must be careful with your spending over the next few months as EVERYTHING is going up in price all the time so you must make provision for that, your budget must take this into account.

Have you looked at the Old Style Board?
Old Style MoneySaving — MoneySavingExpert Forum

They are experts in making your money stretch as far as you can.