Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

stymied

PS - How can bi monthly mean both twice a month or every two months! Has anyone else ever noticed that. So actually, bimonthly can mean exactly the same in time as biweekly!! Weird, eh?! 

Yes! It always confuses me and I end up just guessing.

Sainsburys own brand fish fingers are fine. Our daughter also loves their chicken bake so no need to buy Greggs.

Coop fill your freezer for £6/(£5 if a member) is sometimes good for easy food.

CMD79

Yes, good point. I shouldn't mess with it and I don't think it would work out that I would be able to reduce my shopping to £40 - It just wouldn't. I have occasionally bought the Coop deal, but we never eat all the items on the list so have a random selection of aging desserts in the freezer that I should probably throw away. Though price wise, even with that waste, it's still good value!

joedenise

@CMD79 - if you do buy the deals and there's something you won't use just pass it on to the customer in the queue behind you!  It's what I did when Iceland had a deal like that which included frozen carrots and neither DH nor I like them.  There's usually someone there who can make use of whatever it is you don't want!  Better than throwing it away!

Hazelnutty

Have you spoken to DH about christmas presents for each other? Could you maybe just get each other a meaningful token present to open on the day (plus a lovely handmade card with a heartfelt message?) and then agree a small spend on something you'll enjoy together? My OH is disabled and can't work, so I'll get a token gift then we pool a small amount of money for a run to the paradise that is the Wait of Rose cheese counter as our Christmas present to each other I know that's a different situation from you but I genuinely wouldn't want them to spend money they can't really afford on me - I'd far rather we enjoy an experience or a treat together

CMD79

Yes, and actually I know everyone in the Coop quite well because I do a lot of volunteering in the community, so I could easily ask them to pass any items on if that were to happen again. Although, MatyMoo's point about adding extra temptation in adding shops in when my current spend is £45 is probably what I need to remember. Although as I'm typing this there's a little  in the back of my head saying, yeah but XXX!

Hazelnutty, that is so lovely; a wonderful reminder that it's not all about materialistic things, it's about enjoying life together. I actually drew a couple of pictures for him for his birthday of our first house and our current "forever" house, and you're right. I have already completed my Christmas shopping, the only thing I haven't done is bought things for myself for other people to gift me. This has added to my payday anxiety levels and I can't quite describe the pressure it puts on me as someone who just wants stuff. (I have rarely bought myself stuff in the last few years - my money goes on other people, more so) I think I just need to get mine bought today and so my head can rest and not continue looking at things I might like and hating myself. But back to your point, he is desperate to add the finishing touches like "artwork" around the house. So, I saw some print when we were at a Christmas market last week and another when we were at his family's. Rather than buy the expensive framed prints, I ordered the digital prints from the artists' websites afterwards and have got some nice frames for them. He'll really like them I think. One, I got a big print of the seaside town where his family are from which is quite contemporary and he'll especially love. The other 2 are for the WC that are references to our time in Sheffield, which was where we were really happy, and where my daughter was born. That made me quite emotional just thinking about that, but I have always said, I wished we'd never left Sheffield. 

Today is all about using up the £100s of decorating stuff I have in the garage and trying to get some projects completed. Tomorrow will be more of the same. So, hope you all have peaceful weekends, and if they're not peaceful, hopefully fun! xx

CMD79

LadyWithAPlan said:

Just read through your diary and I have to say I am hugely impressed that you are keeping going and focused despite all the issues you face 

I think your drive to have a better life for you and your daughter somehow picks you up and keeps going when many would have just run backwards and given up 
please don’t ever get too down on yourself  - you are inspiring many on here and sometimes just keeping going is a huge  victory.  

Keep posting on your journey - daily - it will keep the focus - when we all disappear from here generally that’s when the spending goes awry! 

You obviously need a big focus to keep your attention - as do I - so the paying down the cards was a great focus point - maybe you can get as focused on saving as well once you get your Debt down. I have many annual saving pots (virtual bank ones for the most part but used to do cash ones )  so putting each month I put money into clothing, future tech, bulk food stores, annual bill pots etc so when big bills come or I need to replace things most of the money is already there . It gives me peace and focus 

On the relationship if he is unwilling to do counselling at present maybe you should get some on your own 

I also am a practising Buddhist - ( think you go to church) and we start with the premise that we have to change ourselves and our responses first to win in life  - our own human revolution- where we strive to be better even incrementally each day - which you have been doing - is the start point for winning / we chant but maybe you can pray /meditate for the wisdom to see what next steps are needed 

Tina turner (yes that Tina turner) wrote a book Happiness Become You - a guide to changing your life for good - about her struggles and winning 
- maybe a Xmas gift to read 

also Dr John Deloney had a YTube channel - he is part of the Dave Ramsey people and he has lots of callers dealing with issues inc marital problems or overspending, addictions etc so might be worth you listening to a few to find one that mirrors your situation 

Maybe it’s worth asking yourself what little things you can do to make him feel appreciated and loved on a daily basis and what you can do for yourself - maybe start daily gratitude lists for yourself and having him in your life 

 also think on  what makes you feel appreciated.. and maybe ask for that 
he has been v supportive on the debt issue so he obviously does still really care . The more you can clear this debt and start focusing on saving for the big  expenses the better you will feel also about yourself and your family will have more harmony 

best wishes for your epic journey you really are incredibly strong! 

Thank you for you ideas here Ladywithplan - I have read and reread as there's a lot here I'm going to use/try/think about, so thank you.

I don't regularly go to church, but enjoy going occasionally. I love the idea of consciously striving to be better every day. (I actually used this as a suggestion in a school governors' meeting Thursday night and the Head thanked me for my valuable contributions at the end of the meeting!) I do feel like meditation would work for me. I am generally very contemplative and I'm definitely open to trying this.

I also took your advice about what I can do to make him feel loved. I started small admittedly, but adding a jar of Jalapeños to the shopping was noticed! 

Thanks again to everyone who has offered suggestions, wisdom and encouragement - I am taking it all onboard. xx

Crazycatlady2

I would also say if what you do with food shops works dont change it. I find Iceland to tempting tbh so always spend more than intended. The cheap range I find no better than supermarket own range tbh 

CMD79

Crazycatlady2 said:

I would also say if what you do with food shops works dont change it. I find Iceland to tempting tbh so always spend more than intended. The cheap range I find no better than supermarket own range tbh 

Yes, you're absolutely right. The reason my shopping has been working is that I'm buying just the things I need rather than stockpiling stuff on deals that future me might need....

That said, when the coffee OH likes is on Nectar Prices, I buy two rather than just one, and then the next week, I'll be buying no coffee but add two of something else that is on offer etc. So I do factor in deals to a certain extent, but old me would spend £80-90 per week thinking I was taking advantage of the deals to bring my monthly or maybe annual shopping down, but then it never was down! I was spending more every every week because the next deal was on...

Hazelnutty

I love your idea of framing the drawings and prints