Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

Wimbledonwomble

You have done so well and are such an inspiration ,particularly for those of us who have emotional,learning .or mental health issues. 

I have always had a difficult relationship with money. Even when I had some ,I would find myself mentally compiling lists of things I " needed" or shopping online until I was exhausted.  I would be desperate to find that one item that would stop the feeling of emptiness. Nothing did for long.

I was discussing money with some colleagues . I never told anyone I was in debt . One colleague said her earliest memory was of her parents doing accounts. Another said her mother would make everything and was very thrifty. Mine was of my parents ( both kind but reckless with money ) sitting in the kitchen with our lodgers and some friends . The kitchen was full of cigarette smoke. We were awaiting the arrival of a relative who always appeared comfortably off. The people in the kitchen were laughing about her ,saying she was mean .When she had been there a while someone asked her to lend them some money . I was quite young but remember a disagreement breaking out over the lack of cigarettes.  The relative got up to leave abruptly and I was asked to walk her to the bus stop as it was getting dark (!!) She made a point of giving me some money and  gave me a 10 shilling note ( a large amount for a child at the time). I left it on the table ,under the salt and pepper pots.  .On the way back from the bus stop I was planning that tomorrow I would buy  sweets, a book or dolls clothes! I must have been about 10 years old.Of course my money was gone . There were plenty of cigarettes. After all these years I still remember my tears . 

If I have money I spend it . I actually feel relieved ( or I did ) when it was gone. Now I'm feeling agitated that I'm not saving enough. One obsession has replaced the other . 

You have inspired me to look at my relationship with money and how to cope with it. I think I still see it as an enemy .

Hope things continue to improve and that you have a lovely Christmas.  

CMD79

Keedie said:

You know what, life happens. Is it an ideal situation to be back in debt after clearing it? No. But is that the reality of how life sometimes goes? Yes.

Forgive yourself, and that's all you need to do. It's not the end of the world to have debt. Life is for living and your focus needs to be on your mental health and having a balance.

If you can comfortably meet your debt repayments then you're already in a very strong position. What you need now, is a look at your budget and where you can realistically think of what you need to save to handle unexpected events or to prepare for things that you know are going to happen like birthdays and Christmas. I think if you can build up an emergency fund whilst clearing the debt, and have maybe one sinking fund goal, such as car maintenance, Christmas, birthdays or whatever you need/want, then you'll be more prepared and can still enjoy life whilst getting rid of the debt.

I've been more or less debt free and then relapsed on several occasions and I am still a work in progress as my mental health has a direct correlation with my spending habits. So I understand. The best thing you can do is be kind to yourself and definitely get back involved with the debt free challenges and start PADding again and things like that. We're so close to the end of the year and you'll be able to put 2023 behind you. So start thinking of what you want 2024 to look like, and as you will be focussing on being debt free by October 2024, think of how you'll do that, and what your plan will be. But don't make your budget too restrictive to punish yourself as ultimately, you'll just feel hard done by and rebel against it and undo your hard work (and yes, I speak from experience about that). 

I think if you find some savings challenges online or create some, you can track what you're doing and make it more fun, and that will help to take the pressure off you and go some way towards removing the shame and guilt. Be kind to yourself and take care. It's good to see you back on here, and you've done the hard part. Now, just keep consistent and we've all got your back. x

Thanks so much Keedie. I really appreciate your comment and has given me food for thought....

CMD79

Humdinger1 said:

dawnybabes said:

No one’s here to beat you up with a stick, we’re all here for the same reasons ! We all ‘know’ what to do but if it was that simple we’d all be size 10 with money in the bank 🤣🤣🤣

That made me laugh @dawnybabes! @CMD79, we are certainly not here to beat you with a stick as @Keedie says.  Lots of good advice here; keep going, you are doing brilliantly though difficult to see when you're in the thick of it.   Love Humdinger xx 

That made me laugh too! Though, because I have so little available to spend on groceries, I'm a size 8! All the treats disappeared about 2 years ago - husband thinks it's because I want to be a size 8, when actually, I want the Kit Kats and Wagon Wheels but by grocery budget is only £45 a week!

Hollie_Hobbie

Hello @cmd79 - you've been missed xx

As has already been said, forgive yourself. Something that's so easy to say but hard to do - amazing how cruel we can be to ourselves, saying things we wouldn't dream of saying to someone else. You're so positive to everyone else on these boards so I hope you can channel some of that positivity to yourself xx

CMD79

Hi fellow DFWs and other various loiterers....

I've spent the whole day reading other peoples' diaries, refreshing my memory and catching up with the many of you who had previously been great sources of inspiration and support. I have also taken the time to consider previous advice and add in a few parts that others have successfully adopted. But before I come to that, I think I will try to explain where I have been at the last months....

As I think I mentioned previously, I have been on an NHS waiting list for some years for an ADHD assessment. When my GP first mentioned ADHD to me, I thought she had given me the wrong form to fill in, but for s#!ts and giggles I thought I'd fill it in anyway. And, ticked all but 2 of the boxes. And then started waiting for an actual assessment. And waited some more, and three years later, the time I stopped checking in, I got a phone call to say I had an assessment for Autism Sprectrum Disorder - I ticked most of those boxes too. I asked, but what about the ADHD because I can live with p!ssing everyone off and people finding me weird, what I need is the support for ADHD. I was told that I needed the ASD assessment first and they would make a further referral if they felt it required for ADHD.

2 weeks before my assessment, my husband had said, catagoryically, I did not have Autism. I thought I probably did, but in a very minor way and it doesn't affect my life. Until, one day at work I needed to call IT. I described my issue, and I was asked some questions, and as I responded I could hear her getting annoyed with me. So I asked her, "I seem to have irritated you, I'm not meaning to be irritating, I'm just trying to answer the questions." And, I can't really explain the impact of her response, but she said, "You're just taking everything I'm saying so literally!" She was really annoyed! Now, a debrief with my boss did help me to stop sobbing as she highlighted when asked a direct question, "When you come to work and login to a terminal onsite, what system do you use?" (or something like that). And I said, "I have a laptop though." I obviously wasn't being funny, I was being factual!!! But anyway, from that, a few days later some bully who doesn't usually work in our office at work sat in my seat and when I arrived, he had temporarily vacated to get a coffee, and I asked my colleagues, "Oh, who is sitting here? I need my 2 screens today." They all said, "Oh, it's Pete, just move his stuff." So I did. Next thing I know, he's looming over me asking me what the F'ing problem is. I went off sick. For weeeeeeeks. It was like all my life I knew I just annoyed people. I just irritated people. People just found be a bit weird, and here I was, not bothered about at Autism diagnoses and yet 2 weeks before the assessment I was confronted with the realisation of what it is that just P!sses people off. And sadly, it's just me. I just p!ss people off; always have always will. 

Had the assessment, had the diognoses. The clinician said I clearly have ADHD but his company had only been contracted for the ASD assessment, so despite him being qualified and being there in front of me, I'd be referred back to another NHS waiting list for the ADHD assessment. My husband also had to go through a series and questions with someone else simultaneously, and he said that from thinking I definitely didn't have autism, question 1, I wish I could remember what it was, but he said, as soon as she asked question 1, he thought, Oh yeah - she probably is autistic! I can't remember what it was, but it made me laugh my head off at the time.

So, from there, every conversation I had, I came home thinking, "I said this to that person then. I should have said this, or that". I definitely didn't need to tell the local vicar that my husband's an atheist. It came up in conversation! And then I entered a very deep and very dark depression. I didn't want to speak to anyone at all for months. 

When I went back to work, my lovely boss at the time was fantastic. Except for one thing. She kept tilted her head and asking if I was okay, and giving me light duties so not to stress me out. What I needed was to feel like I was needed and capable and exceptional at what I do (because I am!) and so I made the mental decision to change jobs, go to a different organisation and not tell them I have autism and ADHD so that I behave like a normal person, don't let myself have the excuses and stretch my myself beyond my capabilities. 

It's paid off. My last job I was one of many of a large team doing similar things, I'm just me and I have an administrator to support me here. So firstly, I feel more significant but secondly, my boss keeps telling me how impressed she is. I keep tackling things at least 2 pay grades above my pay grade, and whilst I go through periods of self-loathing, the things that come along with my ADHD and being disorganised, lots of daydreaming, cooking up schemes etc, comes ideas, new ideas, an attitude so positive because I have no genuine awareness of my limitations! (lol!) And they are impressed. I'm a complete F*ck up most of the time, but here, I'm really valued because of  how my brain works rather than despite it.

And now that I'm not hating myself, I'm able to get back to getting myself sorted and unfortunately that minor relapse on the money problem. But rather than go hell for leather and not be able to keep up, I've devised a new plan; one where I can enjoy my life, make memories with my daughter, and make sure it's sustainable so I can make good habits and change my relationship with money for good. I'll post that separately and would value any input on that! 

I hope that makes sense, I can't be doing with proof reading before I post!! Thanks for reading and again, the kindness, support, camaraderie! 

dawnybabes

My son has autism and adhd and I love his quirky take on life ! 

It generally runs in families and at his diagnosis it was pointed out that I too had Adhd - most females with it are ‘under the radar’ and are involved In lots of things, on committees, organising stuff generally never stop and I am happiest when I’ve lots to juggle! 

CMD79

My plan of attack!

As I said yesterday, I'm able to manage my repayments without too much scrimping, but I wasn't able to enjoy life, get the things I need for me, and when I needed things for daughter....well, the credit issue crept back into play and then Christmas came. Last year, I actually saved £600 for Christmas by participating in the challenges, and I know because I respond to games, and challenges and getting onboard with activities, I think that is key for me. Some months I was making well over £1000 in the Make £10 Extra a Day challenge! But Minimum i ever made on that I think was £600/700!! 

I have now gotten all my credit onto 0% interest deals, so given I'm not going to get any interest changes, my priority is to pay everything at a steady pace, with just enough speed to avoid the interest later on, so I'm ignoring the urge to madly pay it all off my next October. On paper yes, but the reality is, I will come unstuck again, and as usual, I'll need to start again...again!! So, no. This time, I'm factoring in buffers, savings, contingencies and challenges to make overpayments if I can.

Income 
£2385.72 nett

Outgoings 
£238.57 to savings (10% of my income for emergencies, buffer, whatever!)
£500 to cashback card (this covers £45pw food, £30pw fuel and £150 spending money)
£750 H2B savings (this has already more than paid the money back husband lent me from this account previously)
£623.19 debt repayments
£104.73 household bills (mobiles, subscriptions, broadband)
£155 to give me a bit of a monthly buffer of £5 per day

In addition to this, I will return to the forum DFW challenges to help me pay off debts a bit quicker, save for Christmas and give me the money focus I need every day to not relapse.

No Spend Day - and for each no spend day I will send £5 to a pot as that's my buffer money not spent!
Make An Extra £10 A Day - and this will all be kept in a separate pot
Tilly Tidy - into separate pot

I'll then use this pot to join Payment A Day and 52 Week Sealed Cash Stash or whatever it's called. The amounts will vary depending on what I achieve above.

Before anyone asks, yes I do do my weekly shop for £45 and I shop in Sainsburys!! No Kit Kats or Wagon Wheels. That's the secret. There's only three of us, no pets and my husband buys his treats and a couple of beers in the Co-Op on a Friday after work as he doesn't have treats except the weekend. This usually includes a chocolate éclair or pack of doughnuts for me too. I do use all my money from TopCashback every few months to buy loads of dishwasher tablet, toilet rolls, washing detergent etc, so that's not completely accurate really. But to guess, I'd say an extra £60 from vouchers/nectar points every 3-4 months roughly. 

CMD79

Hollie_Hobbie said:

Hello @cmd79 - you've been missed xx

As has already been said, forgive yourself. Something that's so easy to say but hard to do - amazing how cruel we can be to ourselves, saying things we wouldn't dream of saying to someone else. You're so positive to everyone else on these boards so I hope you can channel some of that positivity to yourself xx

Thanks Hollie! I have missed everyone!

CMD79

dawnybabes said:

My son has autism and adhd and I love his quirky take on life ! 

It generally runs in families and at his diagnosis it was pointed out that I too had Adhd - most females with it are ‘under the radar’ and are involved In lots of things, on committees, organising stuff generally never stop and I am happiest when I’ve lots to juggle! 

Ha! Yep!! EVERY committee until I get depressed and let everyone down. Then I pick myself up and add more than I had in the first place!

CMD79

Wimbledonwomble said:

You have done so well and are such an inspiration ,particularly for those of us who have emotional,learning .or mental health issues. 

I have always had a difficult relationship with money. Even when I had some ,I would find myself mentally compiling lists of things I " needed" or shopping online until I was exhausted.  I would be desperate to find that one item that would stop the feeling of emptiness. Nothing did for long.

I was discussing money with some colleagues . I never told anyone I was in debt . One colleague said her earliest memory was of her parents doing accounts. Another said her mother would make everything and was very thrifty. Mine was of my parents ( both kind but reckless with money ) sitting in the kitchen with our lodgers and some friends . The kitchen was full of cigarette smoke. We were awaiting the arrival of a relative who always appeared comfortably off. The people in the kitchen were laughing about her ,saying she was mean .When she had been there a while someone asked her to lend them some money . I was quite young but remember a disagreement breaking out over the lack of cigarettes.  The relative got up to leave abruptly and I was asked to walk her to the bus stop as it was getting dark (!!) She made a point of giving me some money and  gave me a 10 shilling note ( a large amount for a child at the time). I left it on the table ,under the salt and pepper pots.  .On the way back from the bus stop I was planning that tomorrow I would buy  sweets, a book or dolls clothes! I must have been about 10 years old.Of course my money was gone . There were plenty of cigarettes. After all these years I still remember my tears . 

If I have money I spend it . I actually feel relieved ( or I did ) when it was gone. Now I'm feeling agitated that I'm not saving enough. One obsession has replaced the other . 

You have inspired me to look at my relationship with money and how to cope with it. I think I still see it as an enemy .

Hope things continue to improve and that you have a lovely Christmas.  

Thank you WW for the lovely comment. Your story made my heart hurt; I hate thinking about children being sad. xx