Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

CMD79

Hi everyone,

The house is freezing! I've got 3 pairs of socks on and a woolly hat. The heating will go on in 3 minutes, and I'm tempted to go and sit in the WC to thaw out; it warms up in seconds and stays warm for hours in there.

This morning, I made the mistake of looking through littles ones clothes. She likes to wear leggings, and if they come a bit above the ankle, that's what she likes, which is a good job because she has longs legs, and her collection of leggings are mostly 5-6 years. She's 7 now, but in the leg, age 8. Her boots from last year that were a bit too big last winter, do still fit her, but inside the lining has come away and gave her a horrendous blister and I don't think it's repairable when I had a look. AND, she's still wearing a 2-1 summer coat, so it's waterproof and has a little, thin inner bomber jacket type thing, so I'm going to have to spend some money to kit her out for winter. Which of course, next years' me will have budgeted for, this years' me.... not so much. And she's come home with a broken water bottle. Another child threw it on the floor apparently.

Looking online I found a Trespass coat reduced to £24.99 which is waterproof and lined, but weirdly I found an almost identical but much nicer Fat Face one. I can't tell you the difference, but it's much nicer and also looks much warmer. That's £70 though, so I got the cheaper one and a pair of boots for school too. I've put them on credit because she came in freezing today, but I've got a day of mystery shopping tomorrow worth £110, and all with Tern who will pay me on Monday if I upload everything over the weekend and will pay it straight off. Anyone reading this who needs to make £10 A Day to keep them going through the month, Tern is brilliant. If you write up a shop on a Sunday even, you'll still get the money on the Monday. 

I'm going to a comedy night today with my book club friends. I don't really have any close friends anymore as we've moved around quite a lot with my husband's work, so for £10 and a couple of drinks, I'm going to go because at some point, I would like to be able to say to someone, "Are you available for a coffee?" when I feel like I need someone. I tend to go quiet rather than asking someone for support, but maybe if I worked on building better friendships, that could change and the ladies are all lovely and worth getting to know. I'd also like it if someone felt they could come to me when they needed support too. A lady at work did book a coffee appointment with me today when I sent my condolences after the death of her father and I added that I'm available if she'd like a coffee, so maybe I'm already getting there. Anyway, that'll probably end up about £25 spent tonight, but I do have enough in my bank for that and I really need it....

CMD79

Good morning all!

Thankful it's Saturday. Though it will be a very busy day, but still....

I had a very long day of mystery shopping yesterday to pay for the little ones winter stuff. It didn't go entirely to plan, but still, I made enough to cover the coat and boots, a Christmas gift for my sister who doesn't really speak to me, but I'll continue to try, and it will cover the fuel and my night out last week, so it was a total pain, and I hated it, but I needed to do it, and now it's done. 

I really enjoyed my evening out last week. It was a comedy night and the line-up were just locals having a go. Some were really funny....some were, well, they had the balls to get up and have a go, and all credit to them for taking themselves out of their comfort zones and getting up there for charity. One lady was really critical of them, and that actually really annoyed me, so I clapped really hard, laughed really loud and drank really quickly to compensate for her. I only spend £22 and share a bottle of wine with one of the other ladies, and that was nice. I don't usually drink, not to save money, I just don't. But it was fun for one night, and I did enjoy getting to know some new friends more.

My plans for the day are to get the decorating done whilst my daughter has a play date and my husband is going for a day out with his new friends. I am also going to try to get the house cleaned this weekend as well as looking through my craft stashes to try to make a few ££ at the school Christmas fayre. I have some easy things to make up quickly, but most importantly, I have everything I'd need already so no money should be going out today or tomorrow.

On money news, I have recalculated and not sure where it went awry, but, but the total is actually £10,806.75. I feel like I should add some sort of celebratory, it's only £10,806.75... but it's nearly £11k. There's no "only" or well done me, I owe £11k. 

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend in some way, even it's just to survive it and not get into more trouble, some days I think that's what I really need to focus on. Survive each day and don't make things worse. Repeat. 

CMD79

I've just had another reminder of the importance of me sorting my relationship with money out, beyond the immediate issue of having this debt that I shouldn't have. I told my husband a few weeks ago that I was hanging on to this relationship by my fingernails, I'm so unhappy. Now, my husband is a very decent man; he's generally very nice, though has a bit of a nasty streak when you argue with him, but that's not a usual trait, but for various reasons, we've not been happy and now we don't know how, or perhaps do ;t have the inclination anymore to try to make each other happy.

If it weren't for my daughter I would be gone, and the only reason I'm staying is because I know she'd do far better in life if she stayed with him rather than me and that's a really difficult thing, because obviously, I don't want to be without her. I do wonder if I could figure out how to manage my time and how to manage money if that would be different, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to be that person. On my own, I'd live in complete chaos and I don't want her to live like that, or to be like that herself because I'm her role model. So, I'm very upset tonight. And more than just thinking about my current money woes, I'm thinking about whether I could afford to survive on my own if we agreed joint custody and I'm going to dream tonight about living in peace. I could get a little one bedroom flat just around the corner, and I'd need very little and then she could stay in the house and not have to change school etc.

All that said, having fallen asleep before pressing the post button - if anyone has any tips on how to repair a marriage when you've both pretty much checked out already?

Humdinger1

@CMD79 I think it can hel0 if you find things you both enjoy doing? It can help you connect at a deeper level without making it painful though some angst is inevitable  in my view.  I'd suggest counselling together as it can really help to have a third party to act as a sounding board.  Sending love Humdinger xx

CMD79

Thanks @Humdinger1 - I have suggested counselling, and I think it would be particularly useful following my autism diagnosis, bearing in mind he didn't think I was autistic before the assessment. And actually I think I lot of our issues stem from this. We've not been on the same page, and I haven't realised that I've misunderstood for example. He's refusing this as it stands but I think I will try to bring it up again. xx

greenbee

Maybe talk to him about counselling as getting someone to help you both understand better how to communicate with each other now you know that there is a reason for your miscommunication. 

Mortgage_Minimiser

I just wanted to drop by and say I have read your entire journey over the last few days, I have found you so inspirational and wish you so much luck getting back on track. You can definitely do it  and I am rooting for you. Also thanks for the 'Tern' recommendation - I have signed up this morning.

I will keep following. 

MMx

LadyWithAPlan

Just read through your diary and I have to say I am hugely impressed that you are keeping going and focused despite all the issues you face 

I think your drive to have a better life for you and your daughter somehow picks you up and keeps going when many would have just run backwards and given up 
please don’t ever get too down on yourself  - you are inspiring many on here and sometimes just keeping going is a huge  victory.  

Keep posting on your journey - daily - it will keep the focus - when we all disappear from here generally that’s when the spending goes awry! 

You obviously need a big focus to keep your attention - as do I - so the paying down the cards was a great focus point - maybe you can get as focused on saving as well once you get your Debt down. I have many annual saving pots (virtual bank ones for the most part but used to do cash ones )  so putting each month I put money into clothing, future tech, bulk food stores, annual bill pots etc so when big bills come or I need to replace things most of the money is already there . It gives me peace and focus 

On the relationship if he is unwilling to do counselling at present maybe you should get some on your own 

I also am a practising Buddhist - ( think you go to church) and we start with the premise that we have to change ourselves and our responses first to win in life  - our own human revolution- where we strive to be better even incrementally each day - which you have been doing - is the start point for winning / we chant but maybe you can pray /meditate for the wisdom to see what next steps are needed 

Tina turner (yes that Tina turner) wrote a book Happiness Become You - a guide to changing your life for good - about her struggles and winning 
- maybe a Xmas gift to read 

also Dr John Deloney had a YTube channel - he is part of the Dave Ramsey people and he has lots of callers dealing with issues inc marital problems or overspending, addictions etc so might be worth you listening to a few to find one that mirrors your situation 

Maybe it’s worth asking yourself what little things you can do to make him feel appreciated and loved on a daily basis and what you can do for yourself - maybe start daily gratitude lists for yourself and having him in your life 

 also think on  what makes you feel appreciated.. and maybe ask for that 
he has been v supportive on the debt issue so he obviously does still really care . The more you can clear this debt and start focusing on saving for the big  expenses the better you will feel also about yourself and your family will have more harmony 

best wishes for your epic journey you really are incredibly strong! 

CMD79

Thank everyone.

Today has been very hard. Pay slip arrived for tomorrow's pay day and I'm twitching like a barn owl in McDonald's car park. Those who have read along the way will be aware, Christmas is where it hots up for me. I don't know what it is - I just love Christmas and I love gifting people, and making things special. So, I'm having full-on panic attacks and have been for about 48 hours. 

I looked at my payslip, and sure enough, it says exactly the same as the previous 3 or 4 payslips. The amount on my Excel spreadsheet remains the same as I had forecast. I am getting £2289.72. So, as per my spending forecast, I know that I have exactly £150 in the budget to spare, plus my daily allowance (to myself) of £5 which I will try to avoid spending and counting NSDs.

My Christmas shopping is done. I have something for everyone and the only thing left is for me to provide those who get me something some clues, and this is probably where I'm now really struggling. I keep seeing things and having notions. I think, well, my husband said I can choose something up to £200, but I've seen this thing that's £240, so I'll just tell him it's £200 and put in the extra £40. But I don't have the extra £40, and it isn't just that one thing for £240.

I have so far managed to avoid doing one stupid thing though. I was convinced I could figure out how to take us all to Lapland (£3000 +) I've been looking at it for about 10 months, and for 10 months I have had so much available credit that I could very well have just done it, and very much wanted to because it might be the last Christmas little one believes. But I haven't done it. And I'm not going to spend £240 on a box of makeup either and hopefully my heart will stop beating outside of my chest and I'll stop twitching any second now!


SEND HELP! I know I'm not the only one doing this, right???

On a more positive note, I've just discovered Iceland! I tend to make meals from scratch, but occasionally do like to give little one fish fingers or something easy. With my £45 a week budget, I need to think a little about this. My strategy for food shopping is to split my food budget across 5 more or less equal shops. So in total it averages £200 per month and then I take Topcashback in Sainsburys vouchers, and add in my Nectar points to top it up a bit. Doing this has hugely helped me keep my shopping consistently between £42-48 every shop, and because it works out that I shop every 6 days I have found it less temping to add things that would take me over when they are offer, because they are usually still on offer the following shop when I might have room in that week's shop. It's also hugely helped with reducing waste because I am planning much better. So, I might need to add on a bimonthly £40 Iceland budget on payday and then try to reduce my regular shop to £40, I dunno!

PS - How can bi monthly mean both twice a month or every two months! Has anyone else ever noticed that. So actually, bimonthly can mean exactly the same in time as biweekly!! Weird, eh?!

MatyMoo

I’m guessing that you never got taken to Lapland and it hasn’t taken away your love of Christmas or your belief in Santa 😉

If all you are planning  to buy from Iceland is Fish Fingers is it worth adding in an extra shop to tempt you? If the way you currently  shop works for you do you need to change it?