Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

GeorgianaCavendish

Firstly, you've done amazingly well in the time since you've started this diary. You've done so well in paying off a massive amount yourself and addressing a lot of the triggers for spending. And it is really fortunate that your husband has been able to help you out. 
But I understand why you feel the way you feel. While your husband has saved you money on interest, it is maybe that you've skipped ahead to the end of the journey in debt-terms while your emotions haven't caught up? Addressing the reasons for the debt and what triggers the spending binges takes time and energy - often in a way that outlasts the debt. 
I agree with what others have said about closing the accounts (which you've done) but also close/delete your shopping profiles on the other websites, unsubscribe to all mailing lists, and delete the apps and clear your browser history. If you do end up browsing or window shopping, tell yourself that this is a list for later - you are not buying anything today, or even this week.

This time of year is really stressful (even if you are someone that 100% enjoys Christmas), and it can be easy to fall into the trap of spending unnecessarily and feeling like a bad person if you don't buy a certain amount of things. But keep reminding yourself that isn't true and that you don't need to spend anything. If you do think of something that is "needed", write it on a list and try to give yourself permission to forget about it for a few weeks.  

Have you ever considered getting counselling for the spending issues? I've had a lot of therapy in the past and as part of that I was able to tackle my issues with money and spending and it was really beneficial for me. I also read /listened to a lot of books about money, the two that I really liked were 'The Soul of Money' by Lynne Twist and 'Lost and Found' by Geneen Roth. 

You could also look around the DFW Challenges for some new things to join, like the thread about saving for Christmas 2023. And set yourself some targets for savings during 2023, the H2B account is a good one but are there other smaller things that you'd like to save for? 

annetheman

It is a tough time of year @CMD79 but you have been such an inspiration and you are so encouraging for me. Do you think you could spend the time you do filling up online baskets (and I'm so glad you discard them!) helping people in debt, maybe doing some voluntary work?

There is no better distraction than other people's problems and you would know exactly how they got there; you are already helping and engaging with so many other DFWs here, maybe you could turn it into more formal voluntary work? 

It sounds ghoulish to say but seeing other people's debt and how bad it gets and trying to help them 100% helps me stay away from adding more debt and staying the path. Just an idea!

CMD79

Well, I don't know where to start this update - I've been absent for so long.

I might need to skip a few chapters rather than try to catch everybody up - And I'm not sure I could fill in the gap very well anyway, so having needed to come back for some time and not felt able to because I just didn't know what to say for myself.... I'll just say this: Current debt £11,587.52.

And one other really important thing. Thank you to each and every person who in my absence has sent me best wishes, continued support and cheering on. I suffer sometimes very badly with mental health and don't know how to respond to people when I'm low. So thank you for sending kind messages and helping me to appreciate how much I need this community to keep me afloat and out of trouble.

Oh, and true to form. Christmas. My nemesis. Zero lessons learned. Maybe I'll fill in the blanks tomorrow, now that I have ripped the plaster off. 

Keedie

Welcome back @CMD79. I know all too well how poor mental health can impact responding to people and I also get absent from time to time. Share as much or as little as you want, but well done for ripping off the plaster, that's the hardest bit. x

mr_stripey

welcome back and well done for checking in. It's really hard when the mental health issues kick in and even though you kind of know you should be reaching out to people, you just kind of can't do it (speaking from my own experience).

In this context even a tiny step is a massive step forward x

CMD79

annetheman said:

It is a tough time of year @CMD79 but you have been such an inspiration and you are so encouraging for me. Do you think you could spend the time you do filling up online baskets (and I'm so glad you discard them!) helping people in debt, maybe doing some voluntary work?

There is no better distraction than other people's problems and you would know exactly how they got there; you are already helping and engaging with so many other DFWs here, maybe you could turn it into more formal voluntary work? 

It sounds ghoulish to say but seeing other people's debt and how bad it gets and trying to help them 100% helps me stay away from adding more debt and staying the path. Just an idea!

Sorry for the delayed reply - I've had my head up my butt for a while, but now I've retrieved it, I have taken your advice and spent the afternoon/evening reading other peoples' diaries as well as re-reading the last few pages of my own.

You are/were right - My issue is completely manageable, although when I first started it wasn't, so I have at least got a problem that I can work through now, and keeping in touch with how others are dealing with far bigger problems I think will help remind me why I need to keep on the straight and narrow.

Thank you for this advice.

CMD79

Okay, HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

For my own sake, I'm going to try to fill in the blanks. It's probably wise that I try to reflect on just what has happened.

So, last time I wrote, I had told my husband about my debt. I never gave him the total figure, I gave him the monthly outgoings that serviced the debt. He then helped me with a £10,000 loan from our Help 2 Buy savings pot. Having read back over the last few entries from me, I said I was fearful, anxious and felt tormented.

The £10,000 covered the vast majority of my debts, not all, but most of it. This had the positive effect of my credit score improving..... you see where this is going now......

So, in the months I have been missing, I have managed to repay every single penny that my husband lent me from the Help 2 Buy and several thousand besides whilst simultaneously thinking I'm a genius for taking a 0% credit card to cover the outstanding part, but 1 didn't quite give me enough to cover all of it, so got another.....  Then had unexpected car stuff that needed paying for, then needed surgery and.... I'd gone without things for so long that I just needed things!

Hate myself. Again. Long period of remorse, depression, then Christmas is coming and sure enough I'm at it again. Fortunately, I've caught myself before it got unmanageable. I've totted everything up, I've got everything covered now on 0% cards so at least there's no interest accruing, and I can afford, very comfortably, the repayments. BUT, and this is where I have come unstuck before, nothing left for the things I should be able to afford.

When I think back over all the advice I have been given, most of it has been pretty good advice. Some of it has been slightly hurtful, but still good advice. The one single thing I wish I had understood better was, I think, from Georgiana, who told me to be careful about overstretching my payments, and with this in mind, here is my new plan, bearing in mind, my OG debt free date was December 2024, which I had managed to get forward to October 2023 before my husband's bailout, and now, that I've blown my bailout, I'm still hoping for a DEBT FREE DATE: OCTOBER 2024. 

1) I have recalculated all my finances and worked through my accounts for the last 3 months 

2) I have 0% interest on absolutely everything 

3) I have closed all accounts that I had paid off with the 0% interest

4) I had already bought all the Christmas presents when I had my new light bulb, so Christmas is done!

5) I have worked out my repayments and set my direct debits for the minimum so that I'm not running out and adding more on at the end of each month - I will pay extra off by returning to the challenges such Payment a Day, Make and Extra £10 a Day, Tilly Tidying etc as this worked for me before and gave me something to obsess over, which I think I need, but mostly I need to have a realistic budget that allows for responsible spending on the things I need, like hair cuts occasionally, new tires etc.

Anyway, I know I'm a nightmare, so anyone inclined to make me feel bad, no need, I can do that bit myself. To everyone else, thank you, again, for the support and sharing that helps us carry on. Hopefully, I can make it to the end of this journey and climb out relatively unscathed after 26 years of being a money catastrophe. 

Keedie

You know what, life happens. Is it an ideal situation to be back in debt after clearing it? No. But is that the reality of how life sometimes goes? Yes.

Forgive yourself, and that's all you need to do. It's not the end of the world to have debt. Life is for living and your focus needs to be on your mental health and having a balance.

If you can comfortably meet your debt repayments then you're already in a very strong position. What you need now, is a look at your budget and where you can realistically think of what you need to save to handle unexpected events or to prepare for things that you know are going to happen like birthdays and Christmas. I think if you can build up an emergency fund whilst clearing the debt, and have maybe one sinking fund goal, such as car maintenance, Christmas, birthdays or whatever you need/want, then you'll be more prepared and can still enjoy life whilst getting rid of the debt.

I've been more or less debt free and then relapsed on several occasions and I am still a work in progress as my mental health has a direct correlation with my spending habits. So I understand. The best thing you can do is be kind to yourself and definitely get back involved with the debt free challenges and start PADding again and things like that. We're so close to the end of the year and you'll be able to put 2023 behind you. So start thinking of what you want 2024 to look like, and as you will be focussing on being debt free by October 2024, think of how you'll do that, and what your plan will be. But don't make your budget too restrictive to punish yourself as ultimately, you'll just feel hard done by and rebel against it and undo your hard work (and yes, I speak from experience about that). 

I think if you find some savings challenges online or create some, you can track what you're doing and make it more fun, and that will help to take the pressure off you and go some way towards removing the shame and guilt. Be kind to yourself and take care. It's good to see you back on here, and you've done the hard part. Now, just keep consistent and we've all got your back. x

dawnybabes

No one’s here to beat you up with a stick, we’re all here for the same reasons ! We all ‘know’ what to do but if it was that simple we’d all be size 10 with money in the bank 🤣🤣🤣

Humdinger1

dawnybabes said:

No one’s here to beat you up with a stick, we’re all here for the same reasons ! We all ‘know’ what to do but if it was that simple we’d all be size 10 with money in the bank 🤣🤣🤣

That made me laugh @dawnybabes! @CMD79, we are certainly not here to beat you with a stick as @Keedie says.  Lots of good advice here; keep going, you are doing brilliantly though difficult to see when you're in the thick of it.   Love Humdinger xx