Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

CMD79

mr_stripey said:

Keep posting CMD79! It is a really tough place to be as many of us know from experience. This forum may be your only place to lay it all out there. In my situation I had family and friends but no one I could talk to about it.

What was worse is when we'd be out with friends and everyone would be discussing plans for holidays, new cars, new kitchens etc and I was just dying inside because I knew we couldn't afford any of it (but of course my wife was oblivious so would talk excitedly about spending plans which I knew were a pipe dream)

Anyway, this isn't about me - it's about you. Just wanted to encourage you to keep talking x

Yes, and laying it all out there has helped me feel so much better. I feel such relief the last few days because I'm hiding behind my computer, we're all strangers, but I can finally talk about it. 

It's actually really helpful to hear from your previous experience because there are a lot of similarities. We're going to Barbados next month, and am I excited??? Not a bit. I'm frightened. We're going for my husband's 40th Birthday. I paid for the flights a long time ago on the Barclaycard, and his family paid for the accommodation - they're coming too. My husband had some consultancy work, so he has the spending money available and put aside, but where I get into trouble is the little things that add up to a lot. It's that, that I need to be worried about and because we're going with his family, I am worried that I will not be able to keep up in terms of buying drinks at the airport, getting the ice creams, the little things that cost very little each time, but times that by twice a day and I've got a £500 problem. My real worry is that because I'm anxious about the money, I'll be aggitated and moody. Again, this is why I need to get my debt sorted out, because I shouldn't be living like this and my husband deserves an amazing holiday without me ruining it because of problem I've kept secret from him....

Thanks for sharing your experience. It really helps to know that someone understands and has survived this scenario.

xx

mr_stripey

CMD79 said:

mr_stripey said:

Keep posting CMD79! It is a really tough place to be as many of us know from experience. This forum may be your only place to lay it all out there. In my situation I had family and friends but no one I could talk to about it.

What was worse is when we'd be out with friends and everyone would be discussing plans for holidays, new cars, new kitchens etc and I was just dying inside because I knew we couldn't afford any of it (but of course my wife was oblivious so would talk excitedly about spending plans which I knew were a pipe dream)

Anyway, this isn't about me - it's about you. Just wanted to encourage you to keep talking x

Yes, and laying it all out there has helped me feel so much better. I feel such relief the last few days because I'm hiding behind my computer, we're all strangers, but I can finally talk about it. 

It's actually really helpful to hear from your previous experience because there are a lot of similarities. We're going to Barbados next month, and am I excited??? Not a bit. I'm frightened. We're going for my husband's 40th Birthday. I paid for the flights a long time ago on the Barclaycard, and his family paid for the accommodation - they're coming too. My husband had some consultancy work, so he has the spending money available and put aside, but where I get into trouble is the little things that add up to a lot. It's that, that I need to be worried about and because we're going with his family, I am worried that I will not be able to keep up in terms of buying drinks at the airport, getting the ice creams, the little things that cost very little each time, but times that by twice a day and I've got a £500 problem. My real worry is that because I'm anxious about the money, I'll be aggitated and moody. Again, this is why I need to get my debt sorted out, because I shouldn't be living like this and my husband deserves an amazing holiday without me ruining it because of problem I've kept secret from him....

Thanks for sharing your experience. It really helps to know that someone understands and has survived this scenario.

xx

This is part of the problem of course, but maybe that's for further down the line. It is your collective failure to budget properly which is has driven you to spend. 

I had a similar experience; we went to New York for my wife's 40th. We paid for the flights and hotel but we went way over budget on spending money so the credit card got hit, but as far as she was concerned, we were on budget because she wasn't really counting. I should of course have stood up and said "we can't afford it" or whatever but it was easier just to hide it on credit. You get to a point where you tell yourself "another £500 when I'm £20000 in the hole doesn't make any difference"

Result was I spend what should have been a wonderful weekend stressed, moody and a little bit dying inside.

You both deserve a nice holiday - not just him. This doesn't seem like you've been splurging all this money on yourself, so there is an element of culpability on his side as well (even if he doesn't realise it at the moment)

GeorgianaCavendish

TopCashBack can keep money at the "Confirmed" stage for ages (its been many weeks for me in some cases), so just a word of warning there not too expect it to move too quickly. 

One other note about TopCashBack, make sure that you are on the Classic membership not Premium/Plus. With Premium, I think there are small incentives or ways to make a bit more cash back, but there is an annual charge that they take out of your cashback. My husband kept being caught out with this on his account, and finally made the change a couple of weeks ago (but not before having to pay £10 for his backdated Premium membership fees). I switched from Plus to Classic a couple of years ago and honestly can't see that it made any negative impact on my earnings. 

I think with survey sites you have to balance the time vs rewards. I can only keep up with a few of them (Prolific, Ipsos I-Say and YouGov), the others I've tried just stress me out but these ones have been ok. You might find others work better for you.  I find it hard to count on the income from these sites because they all go through fits and spurts, but making sure my demographic info is up-to-date is helpful. I tend to direct the rewards towards one of my saving pots with the feeling that any amount added there from surveys is a bonus, at the moment it's making a microscopic dent in the new roof fund  

BlueJ94

@GeorgianaCavendish that's odd about topcashback. Mine was confirmed and paid same day 

GeorgianaCavendish

I think it depends on the retailer @BlueJ94 - some seem to move quicker than others. 

theoretica

CMD79 said:

 My husband had some consultancy work, so he has the spending money available and put aside, but where I get into trouble is the little things that add up to a lot. It's that, that I need to be worried about and because we're going with his family, I am worried that I will not be able to keep up in terms of buying drinks at the airport, getting the ice creams, the little things that cost very little each time, but times that by twice a day and I've got a £500 problem. My real worry is that because I'm anxious about the money, I'll be aggitated and moody. Again, this is why I need to get my debt sorted out, because I shouldn't be living like this and my husband deserves an amazing holiday without me ruining it because of problem I've kept secret from him....

Is this something you could discuss with him?  He knows you have been out of work a lot and have some debt, so it shouldn't be beyond him to deduce you don't have much money at the moment.  Saying you are happy to have the cheapest thing yourself or give it a miss sometimes but asking his help to keep your spending from adding up. 

Aimingforthegoodlife

Just wanted to pop on and say, as others have, that being in debt and struggling with money management doesn't make you a bad person, you are very hard on yourself and you come across as a very thoughtful and caring person when it comes to others, try and reflect that a little on yourself Also, I don't know if you have discussed medications for ADHD, but there are some options out there which may make a big difference in how you feel, I would request a referral to the local community mental health team to see the Consultant for a chat, this would also be beneficial with regards to the Depression aspect. There are lots of meds out there and it is worth looking at them and discussing them in detail to see which may be beneficial in the long run, I have seen some amazing results with people getting the correct ADHD medication, not that it changes the person, but the world is a little less fast if that makes sense!

I wish you all the best and will be popping in to see your amazing progress, sending hugs

CMD79

GeorgianaCavendish said:

TopCashBack can keep money at the "Confirmed" stage for ages (its been many weeks for me in some cases), so just a word of warning there not too expect it to move too quickly. 

One other note about TopCashBack, make sure that you are on the Classic membership not Premium/Plus. With Premium, I think there are small incentives or ways to make a bit more cash back, but there is an annual charge that they take out of your cashback. My husband kept being caught out with this on his account, and finally made the change a couple of weeks ago (but not before having to pay £10 for his backdated Premium membership fees). I switched from Plus to Classic a couple of years ago and honestly can't see that it made any negative impact on my earnings. 

I think with survey sites you have to balance the time vs rewards. I can only keep up with a few of them (Prolific, Ipsos I-Say and YouGov), the others I've tried just stress me out but these ones have been ok. You might find others work better for you.  I find it hard to count on the income from these sites because they all go through fits and spurts, but making sure my demographic info is up-to-date is helpful. I tend to direct the rewards towards one of my saving pots with the feeling that any amount added there from surveys is a bonus, at the moment it's making a microscopic dent in the new roof fund  

Ah, thanks! Yes, I have had it before where it's say there for ages. I'll look at Ipsos. I have signed up for something with them...I've lost track but they sent me a £20 voucher and said they're sending one every month - I just had to download some weird extension to my iPhone and laptop and leave it there indefinitely.... No idea what it is! Might invest in renewing my McAfee now though!! (half joking!)

Aaaahhhh. Savings. That's the dream. One day, I'm going to have savings......

CMD79

Aimingforthegoodlife said:

Just wanted to pop on and say, as others have, that being in debt and struggling with money management doesn't make you a bad person, you are very hard on yourself and you come across as a very thoughtful and caring person when it comes to others, try and reflect that a little on yourself Also, I don't know if you have discussed medications for ADHD, but there are some options out there which may make a big difference in how you feel, I would request a referral to the local community mental health team to see the Consultant for a chat, this would also be beneficial with regards to the Depression aspect. There are lots of meds out there and it is worth looking at them and discussing them in detail to see which may be beneficial in the long run, I have seen some amazing results with people getting the correct ADHD medication, not that it changes the person, but the world is a little less fast if that makes sense!

I wish you all the best and will be popping in to see your amazing progress, sending hugs

Thank you for the message! As it stands, I have been on a waiting list to have an actual diagnoses of ADHD for 3.5 years. 3.5 years ago, I was in a very bad way mentally, and my GP at the time probably saved my life. I knew something was wrong with me in my funny little ways, but when she gave me an assessment for ADHD I thought it was in error and only filled it in because I enjoy quizzes! Then I ticked every single box barr one. I don't typically interrupt people when they're talking. That's the only thing I don't do that people with ADHD often do! I've since read quite a lot of articles, but until I get an actual diagnoses, I can't get any help. I did manage to complete a degree that year though, thanks to my GP who kept writing me notes explaining why my assignments were late for each module!! I got the office decorated during my dissertation because I thought painting the office would encourage me to write something. The Pharmacist at my surgery a few days ago did say she'd speak to the Mental Health nurse to see if they are able to refer me too.... someone or something! 

Thanks for the hug

CMD79

theoretica said:

CMD79 said:

 My husband had some consultancy work, so he has the spending money available and put aside, but where I get into trouble is the little things that add up to a lot. It's that, that I need to be worried about and because we're going with his family, I am worried that I will not be able to keep up in terms of buying drinks at the airport, getting the ice creams, the little things that cost very little each time, but times that by twice a day and I've got a £500 problem. My real worry is that because I'm anxious about the money, I'll be aggitated and moody. Again, this is why I need to get my debt sorted out, because I shouldn't be living like this and my husband deserves an amazing holiday without me ruining it because of problem I've kept secret from him....

Is this something you could discuss with him?  He knows you have been out of work a lot and have some debt, so it shouldn't be beyond him to deduce you don't have much money at the moment.  Saying you are happy to have the cheapest thing yourself or give it a miss sometimes but asking his help to keep your spending from adding up. 

Yes, good plan. This is definitely the way to go. I'm going to be upfront with him and my inlaws and say where I am. I'll give him the money I have managed to put aside (hopefully I won't run out of money this month and need to spend it - I'm also putting half my grocery and fuel money in next month because we will be away). So, I'll say to him, this is my contribution to the spending, I don't want to put anything on my credit card, so can you sort the money out so I don't get carried away. I think he'll be very happy with that. xx