Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

CMD79

Hi All Debt Free Wanabees....

Well, this is certainly no surprise to me, and probably wouldn't surprise anyone else....but I have fallen spectacularly off the wagon! I got sidetracked by the war in Ukraine and forgot really about my own little battles going on inside my head.

We are now a family of 5, with the addition of a mother and child from Kyiv moving in about 11 weeks ago, plus 2 cats (currently in home quarentine) and 2 hamsters. 

I've mostly forgotten what I was doing to reduce my debt, so I'm starting again and going to get back into the habit. I'll try to make it last, but honestly... I don't think I will. 

My outgoings are definitely, 100% now more than my incomings. My poor, long-suffering husband has asked me to contribute to the household more, which unbeknown to him, has really tipped me over the edge. We've been talking about divorcing, and honestly, everything would be so much simpler to call it a day. I would feel less guilty, the splitting of our house would pay my debt off, and maybe I could be a normal person. But, I know myself. I think if I did take the easy way out, left to my own devices, a £20k debt would get paid off and suddenly I'd have a £40k debt with a hairbrained scheme. And I know my daughter would be better with him, and I'm not ready to make that decision, so I need to try, at least, to carry on.

It's 8th July, and I have already run out of money. Well, I have £60 left, but a £65 DD comes out in a few days!! So eeek!! I've made £1.70 in surveys today, so I might just have enough for that to leave my account successfully!  I've signed up for a few mystery shops in the next few days, but they'll take a couple of weeks to payout, so I going to have a proper rummage to see what I can sell tomorrow and if I need to try to earn a few pounds a day with the surveys to get to pay day, that will be very painful!

Anyway, hope everyone is keeping well. I'm fine, in good humour - just totally out of cash!

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry you lost focus and hope you manage to get back on track. 

Taking on a Ukranian family is brave and  I suppose it helps put a different perspective on things.  They have lost their homes, families, livelihoods  and in some cases their lives.

For your daughters sake I hope you sort things out with your husband. 

GeorgianaCavendish

Sorry to hear that things are so tough. It’s hugely generous of you and your family to host the Ukrainian refugees and a very lovely & brave thing to do. 

Have you discussed the debt with your husband? I know that earlier in your diary you were determined not to, but if the debt is eating up so much of your income it is not sustainable to keep it secret for much longer. And part of asking you to contribute to the household more might be because he doesn’t know that a large chunk of your money is already spoken for in debt repayments. It’s a huge thing to deal with by yourself, along with the additional financial stress of supporting your guests and the cost of living rises. But consider that with these extra expenses your husband is also feeling the consequences but does not know the full picture. I can imagine it will be a difficult conversation and is likely cause emotional fallout, but it may be one that is worth having to clear the air and find a way forward that doesn’t leave you over the edge. 

Best of luck & I’m glad you are back posting 

Aimingforthegoodlife

You have so much going on at the moment, might be worth taking some time to evaluate what is happening and what it is you want, it seems a good sign that you are talking with your hubby, there must be something holding you both back from going ahead with a divorce 

CMD79

It's Sunday... I'm very hot and bothered, but I have done something huge this week. My poor husband has been very ill in bed since last Monday and so I have been run ragged trying to keep everything together whilst he is out of action, for which he has been very appreciative. So, I took the opportunity to broach the subject of my money. We didn't need to tot it all up and tell him the total (he is good with maths anyway) but I did tell him how much I'm paying just to service my debts and how long it would go on for if I paid on time every month and didn't continue to use the credit. I asked him if I could give him control of my money basically, so I hand everything above my debt repayments to him to manage so I have to think about what I'm buying, and hopefully anything left, I can pay extra off. But more importantly, I can't spend anything on credit. It's a huge relief to me and it really does feel like a fresh start. I was massively relieved he didn't ask me to tell him the total amount, but he has worked it out give or take a few grand of interest! But of course the best part is, I don't have to continue hiding this mammoth secret debt.

So, just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has gently encouraged me to be truthful without too much judgement. I always knew it was the right thing to do, I was just worried I wasn't strong enough to deal with the consequences if he couldn't forgive me for it.

Oh, PS - I'm £2.83 short of my BT direct debit tomorrow, so I'm desperately trying to find some surveys before morning!! eek!! 

Thanks again to everyone who has offered me advice, support and encouragement. I had no idea I could be in such a different place just a few months on when I originally signed up to this forum. I felt like it was just a matter of time before it would get much worse....

enthusiasticsaver

That is huge and well done. Hiding debt from your partner is difficult over the long term. Much better to work together to get your finances on a more sustainable footing. 

rachel6188

CMD79 said:

theoretica said:

So, what is your plan for next Christmas?  Because it reads like you need one!

Good luck - do you still have the craft things? Because selling them as supplies might work.

Yep!! I do have a plan!! My husband has encouraged me to get to the doctor and get treatment for depression. I stopped taking anti-depressants before because after a while on them, I started to have various symptoms of menopause (without wanting to go into too much detail there!) But in January when my money situation suddenly got really real, my depression was so bad that I had to tell him I was thinking about suicide. Not suicidal in that I was thinking about committing suicide, but that I wondered if I would live my whole life without becoming suicidal in the future really.

So my plan is to live with the side-affects, give up on the idea that I might have a second child (which is devasting to me, but I have to accept that) take the anti-depressants so that I can continue in work, hopefully succeed in work so I can progress - Although working with ADHD can make me a nightmare in many ways, I do also come with a lot of good stuff - and that will keep my head clear to get the money sorted.

My husband joked that my one job for this year is to still be employed for Christmas, and I know that can only be achieved by continueing with the anti-depressants, sorting my money out so that once that burden is off my mind, I can stop lying, stop hating myself and live like a normal person.

I did actually sell some of the crafts this Christmas and have gotten them ready to list for Mothers Day now, so hoping I can recoup some there, and whatever is left, I am going to sell as a job-lot.

I have also started a £1 per day savings so not to stick a load of stuff back on a credit card for Christmas 22.

There is antidepressants you can have that are safe during pregnancy huni. I wish you luck and love x

GeorgianaCavendish

I'm really glad that you discussed it and that you've got a plan for going forward - that must be a big weight off your mind!  

CMD79

Hi Everyone,

Hoe you are all surviving in the heat?! I'm having a great week. I feel like a new person with this out in the open. Yesterday my husband suggested taking our daughter to McDs for dinner to enjoy some air conditioning, and last weeks' me would have gone and put the food on my credit card and pretended that was all good.... this weeks' me, sheepishly admitted I didn't have any money left and BTW had a DD that was about to be returned because I was 30p short, so he transferred me £15.30 and we sat in there for 2 hours keeping cool and he didn't mind at all! Tonight we've got free tickets to see a Talent Show in town with the Ukrainian visitors in this area which might be fun, but air conditioned for sure so even if the acts are terrible...

So now, I'm trying to do some more surveys this week so I can get ahead for the summer holidays....

CMD79

Yesterday was a really bad day. A lady posted on Facebook that she needed help cleaning a house sh'ed got bought and asked if anyone could help £12ph. She lives miles away, but I thought, well, I need the money, I'm off work and I'd run out of cash days ago, so yeah! I thought I had just about enough diesel for the return journey....you know where this is going now, right? I have removed temptation by disposing of my credit cards, so usually, when I've got an 'emergency' I put it on whichever credit card can take it, but this is no longer an option. So, the fuel gauge says 20 miles, the journey is 38. The lady asked if I wanted cash or bank transfer, and I said (stupidly!) 'oh, whatever is easiest for you!' Bank transfer then. She said she'd do it as soon as she got home, so I drove a little way (out of sight) to wait for it... I waited, and waited, and waited. Then thought, oh this is daft and called my husband and explained. He didn't sound happy, so I just asked for £15 to literally put enough to get the fuel warning light to go off! He transferred £15. I looked at my account, and some subsription I'd forgotten to cancel had taken me £12 overdrawn! So I only had £4.11 in there!!! I didn't feel like I could call back, so I scratched around the car, the bag etc and found £2.30 in loose change. Oh, the humiliation. I put 3 litres in, and sheepishly went into the kiosk. I apologised and said, "I've just out of money, so can I pay this much and this much." He didn't even flinch. He looked like a man who was well used to this happening. 

The worst thing though, I looked back at the fuel gauge to see how much further 3 litres would get me, and it didn't even register anything had been put in. So I parked next the petrol station and waiting again, constantly checking my phone to see if it'd been paid in. After 3 hours, of all this, I tried to ring my husband again. No answer. I text. No reply. I called and called and called. He didnt' answer. So I started to sob. I'd been cleaning all day from 08:00am until 17:00 with barely a break, and little to eat. It was now after 20:00pm, I'd had no dinner and I was parked 38 miles from home with 14 miles showing. A tanker pulled in and I was in his way, so I needed to move, and saw a McDonalds. I gasping for a drink, so I parked in there to continue the wait, and then I saw my husband had transferred £50. I got a tea and cheesburger, and headed back to put some fuel in, still sobbing. I got home at 21:30, having left at 07:00am, and the lady had asked me to go back the following day to do a bit more.

So factoring the fuel, I made about +£110, but it was a very baaaad day. Still, I now have cash to survive the week (and first week of school hols!). Tomorrow, I have free tickets to a soft play, so I can take her and her little pal out for a cheap morning there and then we're going to take our Ukrainian friends to a Sunflower farm in the afternoon. It's a pound a stem, so I'll end up spending about £15 altogether for a full day out I think. I have fuel now obvoiusly!! 

I was making quite good progress before my Tilly Tidying and Making a Payment a Day. I haven't done since I've picked back up, because I was living one day at a time by doing surveys to stay in the black! With my extra money now in my bank, I'm going to see how much I can achieve in the last week until payday by continueing with the surveys and scratching around, but also TTing and PADing religiously.

I have £7.20 just ready to payout from Topcashback, and have £4.47 in my Stop Being a Prat account from TTing and my account saving the change, so that's £11.67 I can pay off my Very account. I've also just changed my bank to HSBC for £150, so I don't know how long it takes to payout, but, that will spur me on to resume the Make £10 a Day. I still have old handsets to sell, so I might have already got enough to tick August off, so I might try to achieve £20 a Day whilst I have some leave over the summer.

That's me, ready for bed now! Hope everyone is doing okay! xx