Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

CMD79

teaandcupcakesplease said:

Morning CMS just catching up.  just my thoughts;

Don't tell your husband if you don't want to. People on here don't know your husband, how he will react, how your marriage is etc so if you feel you cant tell him don't. I would however encourage you to speak to someone, Family , a trusted friend, step change etc.

I would also if you can, speak to a Dr some of the things you have said lead me to think you may be depressed - just a though i am no doctor.

It concerns my that you say you would leave and visit your daughter etc. Debt really isnt that bad, yes the amount is scary but its not that bad. 

I just want to give you a hug, everything will be ok, you have started well by posting your story. We are not here to judge or force you do anything, what we can do its help you work with whatever decision you feel is best for you.  I will be supporting you throughout and i just know you can do this!

Best of luck Tea xx

Thank you for the support. It is greatly appreciated and that is really what I need. I am very depressed at the moment (I am addressing with the GP - so no need for anyone to worry, and I should also say, my husband is very good at supporting me in this regard). I am expecting a really difficult few weeks, but with starting to take some medication to help prop me back up a bit, I know that in a few weeks time, maybe a couple of months, I will be through the worst of it. Especially because now I've taken the steps to put my problem out there, I feel immense motivation to get it in order and look at every single £1 as an important piece of my 20500 piece puzzle. 

Thank you again xx

CMD79

Well done for taking the plunge and starting your diary, you’ve taken one of the hardest steps already. You can get there! 

I appreciate that telling your husband may not be something that feels possible right now but he probably already knows that something is wrong - even if he doesn’t know the specifics of exactly what it is. Don’t put unreasonable pressure on yourself to do this all perfectly and alone.  

Thank you! I read quite a bit of your diary last week; well done on your incredible journey; I'm really inspired by the huge mountain you have climbed. 

Yes, absolutely, he is very aware of the problem, just not the extent of it. I am starting to come around to the idea of telling him and accepting the consequences because that is the right thing to do. But I think I need to get myself in a position where I'll cope with the consequences first.

xx

CMD79

mr_stripey said:

As someone who has been through the whole "hidden debt" thing, I do understand exactly what you are going through. It is a lonely old place, as it is not really the sort of thing we can talk to friends and family about. It is a horrible, shameful experience - I used to wake up in the night with dread thinking about it.

I would echo what others have said. It may be that you feel you cannot tell your husband yet but it is of course possible for these things to come out in the wash anyway.

I had about the same amount of debt hidden from my wife. Although it was me who allowed it to happen, the root cause really was our joint failure to budget properly, meaning that Christmas and holidays would go on credit cards (unbeknown to her) and it just kept building. In the end her desire to have a new kitchen and therefore remortgage meant that I knew I was going to have to come clean. It wasn't very nice, but actually not as bad as I feared and we did get through it - for a while.

I'd can't sugar coat it, unfortunately a couple of years later our marriage ended - not as a direct result of the money, but I am sure it was a contributing factor.

Now we are divorced, but we are both in a much better place and our kids are pretty well adjusted to the situation.

If you really think you can clear the debt down to an acceptable level (i.e. what your husband believes it to be) in a couple of years without him finding out then I would say go for it. But if you are not/have not addressed the reasons for building the debt up in the first place then it will be very difficult. I tried for years to try and pay it down, but it is difficult when the finances are hidden. It was hard for me to squirrel away a few quid to pay extra on the credit card when we were having to pay our for normal stuff.

I am not passing judgement in any way - like I say, I've been there. I wish you all the luck in the world, but please don't be too hard on yourself. 

Thanks MR Stripey!

A lot of my problem has been trying to keep up with him and not being able to afford it. I don't spend money on myself typically actually, it's things like trying to make Christmas extra special for him and my daughter and the families (we are very lucky to have 4 sets of grandparents between us!) that I get in trouble with. I've probably made it sound like I don't want to stay married to him, but that's not the case. He's an incredible father and husband, so a lot of my 'frivilous' spending will be buying him a nice takeaway treat (on the card because I don't have the cash) or booking a night in a hotel to try to spend some quality time together (on the card).

I'm going to see what I can do in the next few months to try to take the edge off the problem and then I am going to tell him.

Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one. Glad you're all okay now.

CMD79

Four_Seasons said:

Sending you hugs, will be cheering you on x

Thank you! I needed that hug!

CMD79

A little diary update from me..

I've had an emotional few days, but I'm feeling good. All of my direct debits have now exited the current account, I have a couple of hundred left in there, I have moved £150 into an emergency pot, I found - when cashing out of TopCashback an £85 Sainsburys voucher, I had an unspent £60 voucher in there too! (No idea how I hadn't noticed that!!) but I have a further £115 in confirmed in TopCashback so that'll arrive any day which means....I'm likely going to survive the month. 

I tried a little stint at surverys today - it's hard work and totally not worth it when you lose out on so many, but needs must and perhaps I should look at it as being my penance. 4 hours effort = £6.66 which , via Paypal is now cashed out. Anyway, I've had an "NSP" day, I've "Tillied" a few quid, and so have a total of £17.27 in my "Stop Being a Prat" account which I'm about to "Payment a Day" off my Very account.

Zopa: £7,500 / £6780     
Barclaycard: £6400 / £6201   
Tescobank: £3500 / £3472   now £3362.45
Very: £1900 / £1423   now £1385.22
Next: £750 / £657   
Fluid: £450 / £366

Total: £20512 / £18899  now £18,751.67

I've paid off around £1750 in the last 6 weeks by some miracle! I know I read in other diaries that when you first start you find the big wins and it settles into the scratching around after the inital push, but I've not ebayed all my worldly possessions, sold my previous mobile handsets or started my sidehustles yet, so I'm really happy with this.

Thanks lovely people of DFWs for the encouragement and advice so far...

Claire xx

BlueJ94

In regards to surveys, what sites are you using? Last year I made over 1k in surveys. I have a list of some here.. Personally I like curious cat and prolific the best

Surveys;

Prolific £5 minimum cash out

Panelbase £10 minimum I think

Surveybods £15 cash out

Yoursaypays (not sure on cash out)

I-say (again not sure)

Research panels

Research Opinions (Mainly Zooms)

iPoint Research (Mainly zooms occasionally studies)

Clicks Research (product tests)

QMR (zooms)

Bunnyfield (studies and zooms)

Angelfish (app testing, zooms and studies)

Swift Research (product tests)

Boots Tester Panel 

FlavorWiki (test products for cashback)

enthusiasticsaver

Paying off £1750 in 6 weeks is awesome.  Is it worth you posting an soa to see if we can suggest ways of cutting back further? Did you ring stepchange? 

jimpwarsop

CMD79 said:

A little diary update from me..


I've paid off around £1750 in the last 6 weeks by some miracle! I know I read in other diaries that when you first start you find the big wins and it settles into the scratching around after the inital push, but I've not ebayed all my worldly possessions, sold my previous mobile handsets or started my sidehustles yet, so I'm really happy with this.

Thanks lovely people of DFWs for the encouragement and advice so far...

Claire xx

£1750 ? Nearly £300 a week.  Half that would be brilliant.

Have you calculated how much interest you wont pay on that £1750 ? That is more money you have "earned" to pay down more debt, to "earn" more, to pay down more.  Get my drift ?

Well done.

CMD79

BlueJ94 said:

In regards to surveys, what sites are you using? Last year I made over 1k in surveys. I have a list of some here.. Personally I like curious cat and prolific the best

Surveys;

Prolific £5 minimum cash out

Panelbase £10 minimum I think

Surveybods £15 cash out

Yoursaypays (not sure on cash out)

I-say (again not sure)

Research panels

Research Opinions (Mainly Zooms)

iPoint Research (Mainly zooms occasionally studies)

Clicks Research (product tests)

QMR (zooms)

Bunnyfield (studies and zooms)

Angelfish (app testing, zooms and studies)

Swift Research (product tests)

Boots Tester Panel 

FlavorWiki (test products for cashback)

Brilliant! thanks for the list - that's really helpful. It was actually your diary that prompted me to to start a diary. I can't remember what I Googled now, but it took me to you and I found loads of useful information from reading through. :0)

I tried to sign up to Prolific but they have a waitlist to sign up! I'll try some of the others you've suggested. The one that I've managed to start is Qmee. I've made 77p today (eeek) so probaby not going to continue. I'll see what it brings over the next few days and once I've looked at these you've mentioned.

Definitely going to look at the research panels; I've been doing a bit of mystery shopping too and that seems okay for me, although some are just too much effort for my weird head space right now.

Thanks again for the info!!

xx

CMD79

CMD79 said:

A little diary update from me..


I've paid off around £1750 in the last 6 weeks by some miracle! I know I read in other diaries that when you first start you find the big wins and it settles into the scratching around after the inital push, but I've not ebayed all my worldly possessions, sold my previous mobile handsets or started my sidehustles yet, so I'm really happy with this.

Thanks lovely people of DFWs for the encouragement and advice so far...

Claire xx

£1750 ? Nearly £300 a week.  Half that would be brilliant.

Have you calculated how much interest you wont pay on that £1750 ? That is more money you have "earned" to pay down more debt, to "earn" more, to pay down more.  Get my drift ?

Well done.

I know!! IT's because I've been (uncharacteristally) lucky with money the last few week! I have a tax rebate, found over £200 in Topcashback, found an unused Sainsburys voucher in my TopCashback reward wallet for £60, got mobile phone handsets to sell and I didn;t take my outgrown clothes to the charity shop like my husband wanted me too... I've listed it all!

So, it's worked out well because I was close to the edge and my good fortune has made quite a decent start and motivated me to carry on looking for more money I can pay off. I haven't worked it out, but I would imagine it's a few hundred pounds. In time to serve, it's reduced my sentance by around 6 months!!

Thank you :0)